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OfflineSynesthetic
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Nearly nightly panic attacks
    #14090870 - 03/09/11 04:34 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Are getting fucking unmanageable. I can't find a job so I can't afford my meds anymore, and now that I've been off them since the end of December, my nightly nightmares and nearly nightly panic attacks have come back with a vengeance.

I went without them for so long that I forgot how they felt...I can't fucking handle this shit and it's taking all my willpower not to do something stupid like I'm prone to do when it gets overwhelming.

I'm not one for "woe is me" type shit, usually when I post fucked up things that happen around me it's more because I know a lot of people are interested in such things, but just this once, I could use some cheering up or some sort of good advice.

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Invisiblevirus1824
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090881 - 03/09/11 04:39 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

mm good advice. Emigrate? Thats the sucky thing about a country which doesn't have well organized social health care.


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InvisibleI_was_the_walrus
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090889 - 03/09/11 04:41 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Well Im in the boat of these dreams have something behind them. Youre torturing yourself. Something is on your mind....

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InvisibleI_was_the_walrus
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090893 - 03/09/11 04:43 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Also...are you really in tooele? I was born and raised in northern utah. Good to see some locals here...

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OfflineSynesthetic
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: virus1824]
    #14090897 - 03/09/11 04:44 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I have no job, no money, and what little assets I have (laptop, keyboard, speakers, basses) are the only things keeping me sane. I want to move to Canada for the socialized medicine among other things, but I have no way up there, and even if I did, I'd be leaving all the people I love behind.

If there was a way I could spend some time up there, look for a job, look in to dual citizenship, etc. I would in a heartbeat, but it just doesn't seem like a viable option.

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OfflineSynesthetic
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: I_was_the_walrus]
    #14090904 - 03/09/11 04:48 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

I_was_the_walrus said:
Well Im in the boat of these dreams have something behind them. Youre torturing yourself. Something is on your mind....




Same nightmares I've always had...a neverending playlist of apocalypses, wars, deaths, torture, illnesses, and hell. When I'm on my meds I don't dream at all most nights, but being off them awhile they're coming back.

And the panic attacks are usually centered around what the fuck am I doing with my life and fear of death even though I experience it so much in my dreams. But, once I start having the random panic attacks, almost any stress can set one off.

And yeah, I really live in Tooele. Kind of surprised anyone here knew about this one-horse town XD

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Invisibleirie.one
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090914 - 03/09/11 04:53 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Have you tried marijuana? Some people report that it makes them more anxious but many others find that it eases anxiety. If you're experienced with the substance you'll probably know how it affects you, but if you're not it might be worth a try. The other reason I recommend it to you is because it's harder to have/remember dreams (or nightmares) since it puts you in such a deep sleep. On nights when I don't smoke before bed I always have very vivid memorable dreams.


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gettin' high to balance out the lows

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OfflineSynesthetic
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: irie.one]
    #14090917 - 03/09/11 04:55 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

irie.one said:
Have you tried marijuana? Some people report that it makes them more anxious but many others find that it eases anxiety. If you're experienced with the substance you'll probably know how it affects you, but if you're not it might be worth a try. The other reason I recommend it to you is because it's harder to have/remember dreams (or nightmares) since it puts you in such a deep sleep. On nights when I don't smoke before bed I always have very vivid memorable dreams.




In high school, I took a break from smoking because I momentarily ran out of cash for a few months. Ever since, smoking even a little has always given me bad panic attacks just like when I first started smoking. I look back fondly on my smoking days, but I only got over the paranoia after months of smoking alone at night locked away safely in my room sometimes talking to my sworn brother, whom I still miss greatly.

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InvisibleI_was_the_walrus
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090920 - 03/09/11 04:56 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Yeah I know tooele. I actually went on a ghost hunt there at the old hospital. Fucking crazy. I pretty much grew up in ogden. Just barely hit the road. Im in las vegas now trying to travel around, but utah is always home. Good to see a local :thumbup:

Anyhow, for your dreams I have this:

Advice is an answer you already know, but want to hear from somebody else. You may be uncomfortable with something in your life, and I think somewhere you know what it is. I cant really give you advice on things like this, and I doubt anybody here can. Things like this go deeper than general advice...

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Invisibleirie.one
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090926 - 03/09/11 05:01 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Fair enough, I'm glad you gave it an attempt at least. I understand medical insurance isn't really an option at the moment, but do you have access to any sort of therapist? Most universities have a counseling center on campus that is free to students. I'd suggest using benzodiazepines (which is what I'm guessing you're prescribed) to help you find deep sleep and easing anxiety, but this would also be difficult to obtain without insurance. I'm sure you're frustrated, hang in there.


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gettin' high to balance out the lows

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OfflineSynesthetic
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: I_was_the_walrus]
    #14090927 - 03/09/11 05:02 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Most of me is just saying "Find a way to get the fuck back on your meds before you do something really stupid".

I know that's weak of me to say, but years of therapy pretty much only made me strong enough to recognize when I'm close to spiraling out of control. My therapist and I agreed that it was likely as far as I was going to get, since my issues are too deeply rooted to "fix" completely.

Oh, and the rest of me is feeling weak and pathetic that I become so overwhelmed by things inside my head.

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InvisibleMisterMuscaria
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090928 - 03/09/11 05:03 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I get pretty bad panic attacks myself. I can barely go much of anywhere anymore. It's not as bad as when I smoked pot though. When I smoked pot it got so bad I had to be alone and couldnt even go on the internet.

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OfflineSynesthetic
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090931 - 03/09/11 05:05 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Just to clarify, I'm usually prescribed an antipsychotic for the manic episodes and panic attacks (diagnosed bipolar, which tends to come with a lot of anxiety), which doubles as an epilepsy med, klonopin for panic attacks that slip past the antipsychotic, and an SSRI for depression.

By the way, I criticize SSRIs a lot, but when I'm actually on the full battery of meds, life always seems so much more manageable.

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InvisibleMisterMuscaria
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090935 - 03/09/11 05:06 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Im also diagnosed bipolar. Not on any med though...I only plan on taking them if it gets too difficult to cope with life.

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Invisibleirie.one
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090955 - 03/09/11 05:15 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Synesthetic said:
I know that's weak of me to say, but years of therapy pretty much only made me strong enough to recognize when I'm close to spiraling out of control. My therapist and I agreed that it was likely as far as I was going to get, since my issues are too deeply rooted to "fix" completely.




That's not weak to say, that's just accepting the reality of the situation. I'm sorry that you didn't have a therapist who would not give up on you so easily, any issues should have been explored in therapy, even the deep ones, in order to give a shot at helping you. I'll agree that SSRIs make life easier to think positively about, and it sounds like they could help you out. Is there any program available locally (Since you're in Utah, possibly an LDS program) that helps low-income patients get insurance or prescriptions?


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OfflineSynesthetic
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Registered: 12/11/08
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: irie.one]
    #14090974 - 03/09/11 05:25 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

irie.one said:
Quote:

Synesthetic said:
I know that's weak of me to say, but years of therapy pretty much only made me strong enough to recognize when I'm close to spiraling out of control. My therapist and I agreed that it was likely as far as I was going to get, since my issues are too deeply rooted to "fix" completely.




That's not weak to say, that's just accepting the reality of the situation. I'm sorry that you didn't have a therapist who would not give up on you so easily, any issues should have been explored in therapy, even the deep ones, in order to give a shot at helping you. I'll agree that SSRIs make life easier to think positively about, and it sounds like they could help you out. Is there any program available locally (Since you're in Utah, possibly an LDS program) that helps low-income patients get insurance or prescriptions?




We explored all of my issues, and I uncovered more during the course of my drug use. There's just nothing I can do about them because they've shaped almost every bit of who I am, good and bad.

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OfflineSynesthetic
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090976 - 03/09/11 05:26 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

What'd really help is if I could find my long lost sworn brother. He just disappeared one day in '07 or so and I haven't heard anything from him since.

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Invisibleirie.one
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090982 - 03/09/11 05:29 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Synesthetic said:
What'd really help is if I could find my long lost sworn brother. He just disappeared one day in '07 or so and I haven't heard anything from him since.




Have you looked into locating him online or anything? Checked newspapers for crime or obituary reports? He's probably traceable, unless he's one of the off-the-grid types and doesn't want to be found. If you truly feel that him being there would help with your depression and anxiety I say pursue that quickly.


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OfflineSynesthetic
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: irie.one]
    #14090986 - 03/09/11 05:33 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I've been trying for an hour, but Adam Martinez is such a fucking common name and I don't have a clue what web name he might be using now.

He used to live in/around Boulder CO, I think, but last I remember talking to him he was expecting a kid.

Shit, knowing him, he could be in prison for all I know.

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InvisibleLobsterSauceDiscord
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Re: Nearly nightly panic attacks [Re: Synesthetic]
    #14090987 - 03/09/11 05:35 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Not that I'd advocate something I know nothing about but have you tried meditation? Seems like a viable route to finding some inner calm or at least that's what many people here make it out to be. I've given a couple minutes to it but didn't really go all in...


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