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Anonymous #1

Just narcissism?
    #13972165 - 02/16/11 04:53 AM (13 years, 18 days ago)

Lately I've been trying to get to the root of my moderate social anxiety and I've come to a horrible conclusion. The type of thing no one with any humility would like to say, the type of thing perfect for an anonymous posting feature.

Now, bear with me. Any claims I make about myself are not necessarily true, as with anything.

I believe my social anxiety is caused by too much empathy. Now this is where it sounds horrible: I think I am afraid of making others feel inferior about themselves, by way of my handsomeness, intelligence, and other factors. I know, I know. :whatever: I am NOT perfect, not nearly, and I do not try to give off that impression, but I suppose I have no obvious, identifiable flaw. Whenever people end up talking about themselves and flaws or something horrendous that's happened to them, I usually feel completely unable to relate.

Even a flaw that should be apparent, such as my social anxiety, can be COMPLETELY misinterpreted by people! Both in high school and more recently in college (I am 18), I've had teachers/professors comment about how utterly CONFIDENT I seem, pretty much ONLY due to factors such as my appearance, especially my loud, booming, deep, unique voice (paradoxically I have a VERY confident voice, and people tell me very often that I could achieve success in voice overs, acting, even singing), and my natural grasp on language which allows me to speak and process words quickly enough to stumble very little (a nervous trait often).

I often find myself noticing the masturbatory tendencies that the ego forces people into carrying out (such as people's tendencies to compare and brag even when they are not aware of it), so I am the first to simply tell myself that it's all in my head, that I just have an inflated sense of self, the same as pretty much any other human on earth. This would work out well except I usually can't go a day (a day where I venture outside for longer than 20 minutes, that is) without someone telling me that I should be a model, or that I am brilliant, or creative (occasionally I pretend to be a bad artist), or funny (some people can't even go more than a minute around me without cracking up, most of the time I'm not really even attempting a joke, perhaps it is my serious voice making it seem like a deadpan joke). It was nice to hear for awhile, but now it's driving me insane!

The compliments on my physical appearance (body and face) were actually quite the new experience for awhile, as I was pretty chubby/fat (not immobile fat or completely spherical fat) all throughout my childhood until about age 13, when I got into exercise/lifting/combat sports. As a result I went from chubby to pretty buff! Especially so for a teenager. I barely knew it but I'm a naturally strong/generally athletic sunnovabitch (so much so that professional MMA was a dream of mine). I can lift more than the size of my muscles would indicate. I was doing pushups in sets of 80 (not max) at 16. Again, more compliments. The ego monster grew rapidly, and I would say I actually was quite narcissistic for awhile but psychedelics helped soften that considerably, as they tend to do. :smile:

Going back to childhood, and probably where the root of this problem began, are compliments on my intelligence, which, unlike appearance, were never a new experience for me. I was always that kid (out of 1-3 max in an average classroom) that shot his hand up right after the teacher finished asking the question, never giving anyone else a chance. Even as a child, I could sense their burning jealousy, as children haven't yet learned to mask such ugly emotions like most adults can. The nifty thing with children, as well as with "lower" animals, is that you can observe psychological processes (such as jealousy) in a much more simplified and less veiled form. Because I could sense their hostility, even as a small child I attempted to mask my intelligence behind clownish antics, even ones that got me into "trouble." For some reason or another, the type of insult that most gets to people is an insult on their intelligence, and this can be done with absolutely NO hostile words from the more intelligent party (by the way, I hate the term intelligence and most views on it, it is an ambiguous definition and pretty much impossible to meaningfully quantify). Even today, in college, I still hesitate to answer questions out loud, even if I have a proper response/answer (~90% of the time). If I even speak up, I usually wait to see if anybody has it first.

I am a very calm, content person in most situations. A lot of people seem to think I appear depressed or lifeless, while I am merely usually at peace, not stressing at all about daily life. If my mind is grinding itself over a subject it is usually something existential and barely, if at all, expressible in words. In comparison I find most people overly dramatic, trapped in a constant state of conflict and worry. While I may appear dull or lifeless (this may also have to do with my habitual marijuana use and preferred permastone, as stoned people can look quite lifeless, even if your mind is on the THCoaster), on the inside I believe I am much happier than the dramatic "fiery" people. I try to live honestly and that includes not forcing anything, including smiles and a lot of social bullshit that most people have grown accustomed to faking, so much so that they can't even distinguish it from genuine emotion and interest anymore.

I feel douchey enough writing this much about myself, as I am usually withdrawn about such internal struggles. However, add to it the excessive :whatever: :whatever: and I'm just about physically sick from writing. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. Advice of some sort, of course. How to end the social anxiety, perhaps? Maybe somebody can relate in general. Maybe it's all just narcissism. Surely, somebody's likely to ask me "what's the problem?" and it certainly isn't a lack of self-value. :lol: Maybe I just need to stop caring. Or maybe I need to realize more clearly that most people believe they are #1 anyway, despite jealousies.

Thank you to all who took the time to read.

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Offlinegodisanastronaut
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13972184 - 02/16/11 05:07 AM (13 years, 18 days ago)

not sure if i understand the problem. but its interesting. what is the main problem here, the social anxiety
(being a psychology minor, i'd say you exaggerate here. you sound more like shy, at maximum, which is a trait that
40% of the normal (in a sense of not clinical social disturbed) people have) or the narcissism (which you clearly
are not in a "disturbed" way, you are yet far away of)? but other than that, i totally get you. i find myself
bored with people all the time, and talking with ppl at a party or something is mostly nothing i enjoy - simply
because i keep thinking "there's nothing interesting going on here, keep going!" :P

so anyway, have you tried talking to friends (you got real friends, right?) about this issue? social contact
is a huge factor in most psychic things going on. talking should always be the first step in getting on with such stuff.


--------------------


All things are true. God's an Astronaut. Oz is Over the Rainbow, and Midian is where the monsters live.

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Offlinedshow
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: godisanastronaut]
    #13972957 - 02/16/11 10:27 AM (13 years, 17 days ago)

A little confusing.

Guy above me said talk to friends, real friends. which is a great idea.

Besides that go to the gym and get swole so your ego is even bigger. Everyone else IS inferior to you. Hook up with as many hot smokin women as possible. Message me when tasks have been completed, i shall grade you on your work.:thumbup:

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Anonymous #1

Re: Just narcissism? [Re: dshow]
    #13974981 - 02/16/11 05:54 PM (13 years, 17 days ago)

Hmm, wow, I barely explained the social anxiety. I missed a lot of things. It was 3 AM, I was stoned and had been stoned all day since starting school at 9 AM. My apologies. :lol:

My shyness can actually be quite crippling. I find it much harder to talk to (romantically interesting) women than men. (Otherwise women can be more pleasant to have a real discussion with, as I find their egos to typically be softer and allow more open discussion.) Even so, if I want to strike up a relationship of any sort (friendship also), I find it much harder to get myself to approach people, in comparison to formal/emotionally uninvolved purposes. I think something about the intention gives me anxiety. A lot of the times when I find myself trying to approach somebody, my heart beats so loud that it half drowns out everything I hear. Usually only if I find it an awkward situation...such as a really cute bitch. So in a way I lack assertiveness.

I have very little friends. I pretty much hang out with one friend regularly, the other 2-3 on a much more inconsistent basis. Sad as it sounds, I don't think I could ever tell any of them something like the contents of this thread. I probably wouldn't even be able to say it. I'd feel like way too much of an asshole.

One of those other more inconsistent friends is also a girl I was in love with all throughout highschool. :sad: Despite how I look, I've only had that one girlfriend and we never even had sex. I'm still a virgin. While she is a good, compassionate person, I believe that the relationship between us only hurt my confidence in relationship type affairs. She was the first girl I liked (not just merely found physically attractive) and I pretty much hardcore fell in love from 9th grade on. :lol: I'm an idiot. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I now know the danger of recklessly letting feelings like that build. I don't want to sound like a stalker; we talked pretty much everyday for years, often hours a day (mostly online...lol, we saw each other almost everyday though due to school). Pretty much this whole time I was solidly friendzoned. She genuinely liked me, but not nearly physically (and trust me, I DID try). In all of highschool, we only were actually together for about 2 months in 12th grade. I tried to distance myself from her as early as 9-10th grade to try to extinguish my intense feelings but she seemed rather obsessed with me. Again, not in a romantic way. But she would refuse to let me disappear from her life. I even tried to explain to her various times the pain this was causing me, being so close to something I unimaginably desire but never being able to really have it. Of course, she didn't really get it. Of course, I let her win and continue to friendzone me. That's another problem I have: I can be a major doormat. I'm way too nice sometimes, just in an effort to avoid inconveniencing or emotionally hurting others. Anyway, this pretty much prevented me from getting into any other relationships in highschool. What can I say? I'm a bit of a romantic. :shrug: I still love her, but only because I can't see these feelings ever really completely ending.

I don't go to parties or other social outlets besides school very much. I don't think I've ever been to a prototypical teenager party, with beer, bad music and loose vagina. This is in part because I've always found it nearly impossible to relate with people my age. Also, on that note, usually only older women hit on me. Not old, just 20-40. It's not a bad thing but man is it intimidating. On top of that, I usually find the cute, innocent girls to be more attractive. To be honest, I quite accurately fit the profile for "love-shyness."

Guilt also plays a probably small role in this. On a whole I sometimes just feel guilty for being me, having everything I have (not counting money as I am just middle class, but I really care very little for money so I don't count it against me...you can become rich, you can't become beautiful (naturally) or intelligent). Usually I only feel guilty when I think that I make others feel inferior, which feels much worse.

Motivation can also play a part when it comes to becoming more socially dynamic. Generally speaking, the amount of effort I usually have to put in to succeed is tiny. This goes as far back to elementary school where I would literally draw all day and not pay attention to the class, and then still receive marks so high on standardized tests (all categories) that every year they would mail my family invitations to several "gifted" programs. I would score very high on English tests as far back as 1-2nd grade, at a time when I had only been really exposed to English for 2-3 years. I am Brazilian. I was born there and moved to the US at 3. I seemed to have learned enough Portuguese in those years to remain pretty fluent but it is nowhere near my English nowadays. My mom never enrolled me in any of those programs but I'm sure she barely even knew what they were, not being from the US.

I also believe, in more recent years, that I've benefited a lot from the so called "halo effect," where people will treat you preferably or see other characteristics of you as greater only because you appear physically attractive. Even something like my voice can influence people into believing I am self-assured to the max. This has also been bad for my motivation. If people just assume that I'm so great at stuff, where's my motivation to improve at anything? :confused:

I can also be afraid to succeed, or I handicap myself often. This was especially prevalent as a kid, when I would never do my classwork or homework, constantly being an underachiever despite my actual tendencies to perfectionism. Again, this is related to the guilt incurred by people's jealousy. A lot of these characteristics have unfortunately been ingrained, meaning I find it very difficult to NOT procrastinate and underachieve nowadays. Even in most videogames, usually ones that involve sheer skill such as 2D fighting games, I have to usually let my friends win. I still win most rounds but more often than not I very subtly throw matches (I've become an expert, after all). For one, this encourages them to keep playing. Most people quit playing after you win 3-4 in a row. Some people go to 6-7 but then they just start getting pissed (I myself usually take losing pretty well...it's just a game!!). So secondly, I also don't want to hurt any feelings. This can be applied to a lot of areas in life, but this is just an obvious example.

Part of this post is just me continuing to further self-diagnose mentally. I've thrown up a lot of possibilities over the last few years in an attempt to find something to "explain" me. I've come to the conclusion that most of these "diseases" are psuedo-scientific bullshit designed to sell meds. Also that people are much more complex than a diagnosis. Nonetheless, I've found some that are applicable to myself. I've bounced around autism and schizophrenia but I find these only barely relate to me. At one time during my earlier teenage years, I even feared becoming a psychopath. I felt horrible that I might snap one day and cause people so much completely unnecessary pain. I felt emotionally dulled throughout a lot of those years, so I took that as a "warning sign" of becoming a psycho with no regard for others. Of course, when my knowledge of psychopathy deepened I realized just the mere fact that I can feel horrible at the prospect of hurting others makes me completely illegible. If anything I'm pretty sure I have ADD/ADHD and have since I was a little kid, but I'm sure as hell not going to be taking meds for it, at least nothing more than coffee. In the meanwhile I'm just trying to naturally train my focus. There's other diagnoses I have pondered before but I can't recall anymore at the moment. Mild-moderate social anxiety and love-shyness is a given.

I'm not even sure what I'm babbling about anymore. I think I'm just mainly trying to get this stuff written down, as I do not usually document my thoughts, which is admittedly a bad habit. The thing is I recognize plenty of flaws in myself, just others don't. Also, if it helps add to the picture, I was made fun of a lot as a kid, for being fat/weird/smart/annoying, so there's probably some tinge of a self-esteem and trust problem in here. I feel a strange type of regret writing this as well as the last post, so I'm going to submit it before I delete it.

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Offlinedshow
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13976638 - 02/16/11 10:56 PM (13 years, 17 days ago)

If you have very little friends and are shy. Guess what? you dont stick out above the rest. Your are not superior. You  might be smart, but thats it.

Not saying popularity is means your all this and that. But it shows for something.

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Offlinecircastes
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: dshow]
    #13977714 - 02/17/11 06:52 AM (13 years, 16 days ago)

You're quite intelligent, but just be careful not to fire off too many thoughts and associations between those thoughts into that blind mental space in there. I'm very guilty of doing that. It amounts to 'mental masturbation', and it can be very unhelpful at times, making you think you are progressing somewhere psychologically or philosophically when in fact you're not.

The only real progress you can make is to become selfless and rest in Tao.


--------------------
My solitude...
My shield...
My armour...

TESTED
WITH
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FORCE

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Anonymous #1

Re: Just narcissism? [Re: circastes]
    #13983109 - 02/18/11 03:36 AM (13 years, 16 days ago)

Quote:

dshow said:
If you have very little friends and are shy. Guess what? you dont stick out above the rest. Your are not superior. You  might be smart, but thats it.

Not saying popularity is means your all this and that. But it shows for something.



:lol:

I came to this thread proclaiming that as my very problem. I don't believe I am superior. I don't believe anyone is. Maybe you and I just have differing philosophical views on that. That's another thing. It might be paranoia but I believe everything has a balance, maybe not everyday things but everything as a whole. So my (unsuccessful) attempts at self-diagnosis are partially fueled by that. But who knows? Kids in sub-Saharan Africa rarely reach adulthood and there's millions born into disgusting wealth so maybe "personal" balance isn't feasible.

About popularity: people like me, I'm just socially withdrawn. Most friendships I get into don't get very far; they tend to stay shallow. This kinda bothers me. My good friends right now were all made at the beginning of high school.

I feel like people's immediate perceptions about me, even if positive, are getting in the way of me establishing meaningful connections.

But thanks. You've been helpful, even in declaring that I'm not special.

Quote:

circastes said:
You're quite intelligent, but just be careful not to fire off too many thoughts and associations between those thoughts into that blind mental space in there. I'm very guilty of doing that. It amounts to 'mental masturbation', and it can be very unhelpful at times, making you think you are progressing somewhere psychologically or philosophically when in fact you're not.

The only real progress you can make is to become selfless and rest in Tao.



My mind fires off associations on very unrelated but connected tangents. It can be annoying but I have a good deal of mental control, with the exception of focusing on boring/menial tasks or classes. I believe I used to "mentally masturbate" a lot but lately I feel like I've reached "the end" of philosophy, although I haven't explored all the routes.

Thank you. I'm still battling the ego.

Edited by Anonymous (02/18/11 03:43 AM)

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Offlinedshow
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13984299 - 02/18/11 12:04 PM (13 years, 15 days ago)

break ya down so you can get back up:wink:

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OfflineThe Todd
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: dshow]
    #13984668 - 02/18/11 01:17 PM (13 years, 15 days ago)

That was a lot to read. But it was interesting. I have some of the same issues, sometimes feeling ashamed that things come easily for me while others struggle, my looks, and attention I get.

But I'm still very withdrawn and not very social. It was in college that I started to think I had a problem with forming meaningful relationships (something to do with maslow I believe). So I started trying to be more open, get to really know people and let them get to know me.

Though it causes a lot of problems, and I'm trying to be a little less open with most people now, I feel it was a very good experiment. U learn so much, and ur experiences are a lot more meaningful  when u allow urself to be vulnerable.

I dunno if there is an easy solution to our social anxiety, but I think its good to try and figure things out. Just keep an open mind and try new things.

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Invisibleowls
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: The Todd]
    #13985676 - 02/18/11 04:47 PM (13 years, 15 days ago)

i can relate a whole lot. or i used to be able to at least. unfortunately i couldn't bring myself to read anymore after i got about half way through :thumbdown:

wish you the best :heart:

edit: maybe stop thinking so hard. practice meditation. you're obviously a pathological liar. ask yourself what you're really afraid of.. i think you already answered your own question. kill the ego man.. that's all it is. i think you'll be a very capable person with the ability to help a great number of people once you kill the ego off. perhaps work on spirituality

you're just afraid of letting go


--------------------
i love you ♥

you are beautiful! :rockon:



COME TOGETHER, JOIN THE PARTY!!

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Edited by owls (02/18/11 05:04 PM)

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Anonymous #1

Re: Just narcissism? [Re: owls]
    #13988646 - 02/19/11 03:36 AM (13 years, 15 days ago)

Quote:

The Todd said:
That was a lot to read. But it was interesting. I have some of the same issues, sometimes feeling ashamed that things come easily for me while others struggle, my looks, and attention I get.

But I'm still very withdrawn and not very social. It was in college that I started to think I had a problem with forming meaningful relationships (something to do with maslow I believe). So I started trying to be more open, get to really know people and let them get to know me.

Though it causes a lot of problems, and I'm trying to be a little less open with most people now, I feel it was a very good experiment. U learn so much, and ur experiences are a lot more meaningful  when u allow urself to be vulnerable.

I dunno if there is an easy solution to our social anxiety, but I think its good to try and figure things out. Just keep an open mind and try new things.



I hear ya on that first paragraph. I always get the impression that others feel that way about me too, but only people that know me well. But I can be very lazy.

I think just trying to be more open with others will help me. I don't expect an easy solution since I've had it pretty much all my life. Thanks.

Quote:

owls said:
i can relate a whole lot. or i used to be able to at least. unfortunately i couldn't bring myself to read anymore after i got about half way through :thumbdown:

wish you the best :heart:

edit: maybe stop thinking so hard. practice meditation. you're obviously a pathological liar. ask yourself what you're really afraid of.. i think you already answered your own question. kill the ego man.. that's all it is. i think you'll be a very capable person with the ability to help a great number of people once you kill the ego off. perhaps work on spirituality

you're just afraid of letting go



I really want to start meditation but I find it hard to initiate things. I've recently gotten tired of thinking and have tried to limit my thought, with some success, such as a more relaxed state. I am interested as to why you label me a pathological liar. I am not denying it or defending myself, as it is silly to ask for advice and then get defensive.

Thank you!

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OfflineDoDahDay
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13989922 - 02/19/11 12:55 PM (13 years, 14 days ago)

Sounds like you have too much going on in your head. Take the meditation recommendation and initiate it. Dont make excuses, just do it.  You are creating a circle that you will never get out of. Though I am not a psychology major, I believe that this circling is what may be causing a lot of your problems. And they are creating a lot of dead ends. You want to do one thing, but you do something else. You will turn yourself mad like you have already stated about yourself.

Social anxiety, for me, was an easy thing to fix. Understand that you will make mistakes and look stupid sometimes. I dont learn by someone talking to me, I must fall on my face to know that it hurts.  If you stand next to someone for more than 30 sec, say something to them. "Sure is beautiful out today?", "Are those shoes comfortable?", "I think the guy in front of us farted". Whatever. I work in sales and manage a business and do this every single day. I told this to a group of recovering addicts and all they could say was "What if the person never shuts up?". One out of 100,000 is going to keep you from helping yourself? By the way this almost never happens. People love for you to take interest in them. Or to let them know that you care. Do you like standing silently next to someone for a long time? You feel awkward, intimidated, threatened, like you dont belong. Human nature, buddy. Most of us are not lone wolves and you sound no different. I acted the same way you are. Shadowed, to myself, quiet. Lay off the weed for a little bit(note: I LOVE SMOKING GANJA so dont think Im preaching) that may be part of you anxiety(depending on strain). Then try this exercise. It makes my heart warm to have someone engage in a conversation with me when all would have done had I been quiet was feel the above.

The comment about the Tao, Supreme Ultimate, Point of non-ado, is a key to a whole new world of thinking. The Tao Teh Ching has been my "bible" for many years and will forever be that way. It answers the most complex questions in such a simple way. Almost makes me feel stupid some times. A VERY good read and glad that someone brought it up.

So to close, less talk, more doing. Love that girl you talk about and be friends with her. I think that true love has more standing room in a friendship than in a relationship. Dont be ashamed about the way you feel. More friends are not always better friends. One good friend to talk to is plenty. Be content, non-ado. Do that exercise, it works! Be true to yourself, because I dont think you are. What you write contradicts itself on some things. And keep talking about your feelings. Bottles are good to micro brews and soda, not emotions. Even if its anonymously, though I dont believe that works to your benefit, continue. I will listen.

Constructive criticism.


--------------------
"I fart in your general direction!  Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

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Offlineandroid313
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: DoDahDay]
    #13990338 - 02/19/11 02:44 PM (13 years, 14 days ago)

I believe if anything, the OP is very rational. Do we agree /shroomery?

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Anonymous #1

Re: Just narcissism? [Re: android313]
    #13996348 - 02/20/11 03:56 PM (13 years, 13 days ago)

DoDahDay: Thank you so much! A very helpful response indeed...

Let me clarify on meditation. I see the value in meditation. This is undeniable. I also view meditation as a form of mental discipline, and I have already begun working on that. Albeit, in the form of developing my mind's eye, motivation, organization, and being more social. However, soon I will start meditating, as per your advice.

The circling makes sense. The problem is I'm often very...ambivalent. I often see choices as about equal in value. This makes me lazy and content because change is directly opposed to ambivalence and whatnot. Also, thanks to this I still can't even decide a major. So you can see how I would wind up stuck in these cycles. But I've had enough and want to break them now.

I agree that it is awkward to be around people while being silent. I even end up talking to strangers standing next to me, putting out a remark before my mind even realizes it. When I WANT to start a conversation, when I start overthinking it is when I start to have problems. I will admit that I often do get negative thoughts ("they probably don't want to talk to me, or they would" etc.), despite that people generally like being talked to. I think I just have to start going for it and get used to it.

Is the Tao really still that amazing? I know some basics about it, also as well that Terrence McKenna based the timewave zero formula on it. I will look into the mighty Tao. I believe one of the causes of my problems, especially in regard to my directionless path in life, is not ever really having a mentor or guide of any sort. Ever since I was about 13 I basically felt like an adult, deciding things for my own (mentally). I don't want to be anything like my father, or my stepfather. My mom, a wonderful person, is in ways a role model (in terms of selflessness and kindness), but she never really offered me any motivational/directional advice.

Also, in relation to that: I feel kinda...old at times. I suppose this can be attributed to my psychedelic use (not abuse at all). I often feel much older than 18, mentally. I find myself being cynical towards things, or finding them childish. Many times I find myself recounting a lot of my thoughts and I think "....18??!" It's kind of crushing to know this is only the sum of, really, less than 18 years of thought. I often have a sense of "been there seen that." Inception didn't blow my mind at all. I find most people's dramatic behavior infantile, people older or much older than me. I really dislike elitism so I've been trying to purge it from myself. It was much worse a year or two ago, though. Because of this I often get along much better with older people. I'd say the person I conversed most with this week is a French Canadian guy in his 60s (I was working for his sister, it's not something creepy :lol: ).

I need less thought and more doing. I also need to be more selfish, as bad as that sounds. Everybody's out for themselves and you get trampled if you're not. I find my life to be more dominated by others' problems than my own. I suppose you're right that I'm not being true to myself, but I'm trying. It's not easy.

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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14004359 - 02/21/11 10:18 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

my parents have always told me that i sometimes come off as over confident and it intimidates people, or rubs them the wrong way, but i have no idea what their talking about because i haven't felt that confident or intimidating since basically middle school. And because of this advice I have found myself a lot of the time making sure I don't do anything to make people feel uncomfortable and such.

I can relate so much to all of this, and came on this site to actually make a post and ask for help as you have. I feel i am parallel to your situation in many ways, hard to explain though, almost impossible. I have been analyzing my thoughts so much and seemingly am just coming to worse and worse conclusions that aren't helpful but I feel I cant stop until i reach a final conclusion. I'm just tired of it, I dont want to think anymore and couldn't put it all down if I tried. So instead i'll try to give responses to what sticks out to me in what you said. And im sorry if my relations to you do not help you much, I am also trying to work through something about myself at the same time.

"Now, bear with me. Any claims I make about myself are not necessarily true, as with anything." 

lol, thanks for this, I have slowly been realizing this but it's a very good thing to remember: just because you believe something about yourself doesn't make it so. That one has been problematic for me as when I tell myself something about myself, I have fear I can subconsciously trick myself into becoming whatever that something was. Example: recently I jabbed at my inner peace (which i seem to do so often) by "figuring out" I was gay through trivial "evidence" I can't even remember. before that I tug o war'd with myself on my sanity following the weeks after a bad trip.  I still am having issues with these, and I assure you I am neither gay nor insane.

"I believe my social anxiety is caused by too much empathy. Now this is where it sounds horrible: I think I am afraid of making others feel inferior about themselves, by way of my handsomeness, intelligence, and other factors."

True it sounds horrible, but your not alone, I have came to this conclusion before, although it was never as present as it seems to be in your case and this occurred much more often a few years ago when I truly believed myself to be THAT amazing.  I very often wish I can go back to believing that strongly in my abilities as now I feel the opposite.

"or that I am brilliant, or creative (occasionally I pretend to be a bad artist), or funny (some people can't even go more than a minute around me without cracking up, most of the time I'm not really even attempting a joke, perhaps it is my serious voice making it seem like a deadpan joke)"

I left out the attractive part because although i wouldn't consider myself ugly I am not quite a model lol. Again, not to say this isn't a very pressing stress on you, but I used to be this way and have since been trying to figure out what happened to me and how I could go back. After a few years without this kind of approval and acknowledgment I have begun to crave it so. If i were you I would focus on enjoying laughter you can give to the people you care for, and use that brilliance for something on your own terms like some sort of passion that can help you really feel like you deserve it. Maybe slap a bitch next time they compliment you? lol

"Going back to childhood, and probably where the root of this problem began, are compliments on my intelligence, which, unlike appearance, were never a new experience for me. I was always that kid (out of 1-3 max in an average classroom) that shot his hand up right after the teacher finished asking the question, never giving anyone else a chance. Even as a child, I could sense their burning jealousy, as children haven't yet learned to mask such ugly emotions like most adults can. The nifty thing with children, as well as with "lower" animals, is that you can observe psychological processes (such as jealousy) in a much more simplified and less veiled form. Because I could sense their hostility, even as a small child I attempted to mask my intelligence behind clownish antics, even ones that got me into "trouble." (by the way, I hate the term intelligence and most views on it, it is an ambiguous definition and pretty much impossible to meaningfully quantify)."

Yes and yes. I was the same way as a child, although I would never say I was ashamed of being smart (I actually flaunted it probably way to much), I incorporated those clownish antics into my personality. I think I did so much so that by the end of middle school most people just thought I was stupid until a reason to be smart appeared.

"I am a very calm, content person in most situations. A lot of people seem to think I appear depressed or lifeless, while I am merely usually at peace, not stressing at all about daily life. While I may appear dull or lifeless (this may also have to do with my habitual marijuana use and preferred permastone, as stoned people can look quite lifeless, even if your mind is on the THCoaster), on the inside I believe I am much happier than the dramatic "fiery" people. I try to live honestly and that includes not forcing anything, including smiles and a lot of social bullshit that most people have grown accustomed to faking, so much so that they can't even distinguish it from genuine emotion and interest anymore."

Again, hello younger me lol (not in a patronizing way). In middle school I was very cynical about everything, social bullshit included, and I adopted most of these views.  Although through my cynicism was always happy, generally good to people who deserved it (though I admit I could be quite the bully), and almost everyone thought I was awesome. I quickly figured out these views were gonna cause problems in high school, but instead of changing with the crowd I tried hard within myself to stay true (probably just making myself more isolated than needed). Through out high school people would always ask me what was the matter when usually I was just fine. I disliked forced/faked social bonds and emotions, etc.  Through out high school i actually lost most of my cynicism and am not sure what replaced it.  Summer after highschool I started attending a lot of parties and events trying to be the social butterfly I felt I always was but never got to show people because of my principals. I did alright, making a lot more friends than I did through out all of highschool, but most were very shallow friendships and I still have not really been able to find a way past this even with some fakeness added to the mix. (crazy to think being more fake would help you get to know people more genuinely right? o well)    But now I wish I could more often be at ease in social situations, as now I have become much more social anxious.

"My shyness can actually be quite crippling. I find it much harder to talk to (romantically interesting) women than men. (Otherwise women can be more pleasant to have a real discussion with, as I find their egos to typically be softer and allow more open discussion.) Even so, if I want to strike up a relationship of any sort (friendship also), I find it much harder to get myself to approach people, in comparison to formal/emotionally uninvolved purposes. I think something about the intention gives me anxiety."

While in the past I wouldn't admit to being shy, because I guess I felt it was a weakness, yes I am pretty shy and it is quite crippling as you say. Back to middle school, I was 100 percent with any girl and owned every situation.. leading me to believe I had my pick with practically any girl I deemed fit (making them all romantically interesting in a way). And I agree there is something very unnerving about there being a real intention behind your words.  Through out all of high school I had no good friends who were girls because I saw them all as my potential chick and I had too much anxiety to even get to know them. (Not to be mean but I was much more involved as friends with uglier girls as I had no real intention with them, though i would never allow myself to date them or really even be much of a friend).  I have no help for you here as I still face this problem.

"I also believe, in more recent years, that I've benefited a lot from the so called "halo effect," where people will treat you preferably or see other characteristics of you as greater only because you appear physically attractive. Even something like my voice can influence people into believing I am self-assured to the max. This has also been bad for my motivation. If people just assume that I'm so great at stuff, where's my motivation to improve at anything?"

I see how this would be a problem. I lack motivation for most things because other people used to tell me how great I was, and then I think I started telling myself how great I was.  Even after realizing I wasn't that great I still don't have much motivation probably because being motivated would kind of be like me admitting to myself im not that great.  Stupid i know, as i just admitted it so I should be able to get over it.. actually that is the first time i said that so maybe i can get over it now haha. this is very helpful.

"I can also be afraid to succeed, or I handicap myself often. This was especially prevalent as a kid, when I would never do my classwork or homework, constantly being an underachiever despite my actual tendencies to perfectionism. Again, this is related to the guilt incurred by people's jealousy. A lot of these characteristics have unfortunately been ingrained, meaning I find it very difficult to NOT procrastinate and underachieve nowadays."

I never have found the root of my problem in this area as you have (the guilt), but i fit the bold to a T.  Most of the time I do not realize it myself but I never allow myself to succeed, even though I have always been something of a perfectionist and I very much want to succeed.  After a while I have just gotten so used to not succeeding that I feel the inner me has just given up on my perfectionist qualities that help me succeed, plus it is really hard trying to be perfect.

"Part of this post is just me continuing to further self-diagnose mentally. I've thrown up a lot of possibilities over the last few years in an attempt to find something to "explain" me. I've come to the conclusion that most of these "diseases" are psuedo-scientific bullshit designed to sell meds. Also that people are much more complex than a diagnosis. Nonetheless, I've found some that are applicable to myself. I've bounced around autism and schizophrenia but I find these only barely relate to me. At one time during my earlier teenage years, I even feared becoming a psychopath. I felt horrible that I might snap one day and cause people so much completely unnecessary pain. I felt emotionally dulled throughout a lot of those years, so I took that as a "warning sign" of becoming a psycho with no regard for others. Of course, when my knowledge of psychopathy deepened I realized just the mere fact that I can feel horrible at the prospect of hurting others makes me completely illegible. If anything I'm pretty sure I have ADD/ADHD and have since I was a little kid"

This is actually what I have been doing most recently. I have always assumed there was something about me, but when i was younger I just accepted it and felt, only so often, that it was this unkown that kept me unique, sharp, and going in the right direction (intuition?) and it always worked out great.  Since i have been pretty depressed in the last few months from my dad suffering the end stages of a fetal disease, and ESPECIALLY since a bad trip I had on 2CI about two months ago; I have been searching for that thing to "explain me" as you put it, as I feel I have lost it for the most part. I was positive I had acute ADD or ADHD, but since accepted I have always had this or it is just a symptom of my depression.  Schizophrenia has been a big (irrational) fear of mine for a few years, but it was never really that pressing until that bad trip a few months ago when the following week I felt I had to have been going insane.  I came home from college and told my parents much more about myself than I think I really ever have, hoping they could explain why i was becoming this way.   

Interestingly my dad had similar episodes in his life (although he never used drugs) and said that I probably have some form of free floating anxiety that attaches itself to many different things and you have to kind of mentally manage your life.  I was okay with that explanation and felt really great for a few days but eventually went back to my search. And i really don't know what i mean by that..

"I'm not even sure what I'm babbling about anymore. I think I'm just mainly trying to get this stuff written down, as I do not usually document my thoughts, which is admittedly a bad habit."

Keep going, I have found it very helpful to get these ideas out of our heads. Because a lot of the time we do not realize how little sense they actually make until we look at them without our brains impairing these thoughts.

"Let me clarify on meditation. I see the value in meditation. This is undeniable. I also view meditation as a form of mental discipline, and I have already begun working on that. Albeit, in the form of developing my mind's eye, motivation, organization, and being more social. However, soon I will start meditating, as per your advice."

I got this advice before, I did it for two days and a few times after that and stopped.  It was really hard to keep my mind still.  But I think now I'll start again if your trying it. I believe it could help you and me both a lot. Im glad i stumbled upon this to get myself re motivated for mediation. 

"The circling makes sense. Also, thanks to this I still can't even decide a major. So you can see how I would wind up stuck in these cycles. But I've had enough and want to break them now."

I dread choosing my major too, im still undecided. It is tough to make choices as there are generally many pros and cons to both, and whose to say one pro or con is better or worse than another.  It all depends on perspective.  I know you want to find your own perspective/assertiveness to be able to choose things easier, just as i do, but know that your hesitation in choosing the wrong decision is also a strength along with a weakness.  The trick is to use that hesitation to not get pulled along by a seemingly sound reason when it could very well have holes, but do not over analyze at the same time and create your own holes.  "Procedure in case of fire: stop, drop, hesitate. Did evidence begot the thinking or did thinking rot the evidence."

"I think I just have to start going for it and get used to it."

Me too, defiantly this is for the best.  Cant get comfortable with it until you put it into practice.

"Also, in relation to that: I feel kinda...old at times. I suppose this can be attributed to my psychedelic use (not abuse at all). I often feel much older than 18, mentally. I find myself being cynical towards things, or finding them childish. Many times I find myself recounting a lot of my thoughts and I think "....18??!" It's kind of crushing to know this is only the sum of, really, less than 18 years of thought. I often have a sense of "been there seen that." Inception didn't blow my mind at all. I find most people's dramatic behavior infantile, people older or much older than me. I really dislike elitism so I've been trying to purge it from myself. It was much worse a year or two ago, though. Because of this I often get along much better with older people."

Back to middle school/early high school me, I felt the exact same way.  It was ridiculous that I wasn't older. Graduating middle school I was practically best friends with a guy graduating high school and was in disbelief I couldn't be moving on into life with him (i felt old enough).
I kinda feel I have the opposite extreme though when it comes to dealing with people from different ages. I often find myself too childish (not necessarily immature), even when unwanted, and I generally have a very hard time relating to people who are older and conversing with them (as I feel I have to censor myself around them more than I would with a little kid). This might be from me trying to keep my innocence with my parents or something, who have always been very "good people" and oblivious to a lot of things; kind of like a child would be.

"I need less thought and more doing. I also need to be more selfish, as bad as that sounds. Everybody's out for themselves and you get trampled if you're not. I find my life to be more dominated by others' problems than my own. I suppose you're right that I'm not being true to myself, but I'm trying. It's not easy."

Few things are ever easy, i know. But the bold is probably your best bet to solve all your problems.  Not that you should stop yourself from thinking (that always just ends with me feeling dumb lol), just get more action from yourself that you feel is truly for the betterment of you.

Question for my curiosity: is your best friend you have known for most of your life somehow involved in this distress?  Is your idea of being more selfish because they take too much or something? Or is it just people in your life in general?

Edited by dageo18 (02/21/11 11:01 PM)

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OfflineSnicklefritz
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: dageo18]
    #14011622 - 02/23/11 01:37 AM (13 years, 11 days ago)

Hey OP I have a question for you. Are you a Libra?

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Anonymous #1

Re: Just narcissism? [Re: dageo18]
    #14017697 - 02/24/11 12:52 AM (13 years, 10 days ago)

Quote:

dageo18 said:
my parents have always told me that i sometimes come off as over confident and it intimidates people, or rubs them the wrong way, but i have no idea what their talking about because i haven't felt that confident or intimidating since basically middle school. And because of this advice I have found myself a lot of the time making sure I don't do anything to make people feel uncomfortable and such.

I can relate so much to all of this, and came on this site to actually make a post and ask for help as you have. I feel i am parallel to your situation in many ways, hard to explain though, almost impossible. I have been analyzing my thoughts so much and seemingly am just coming to worse and worse conclusions that aren't helpful but I feel I cant stop until i reach a final conclusion. I'm just tired of it, I dont want to think anymore and couldn't put it all down if I tried. So instead i'll try to give responses to what sticks out to me in what you said. And im sorry if my relations to you do not help you much, I am also trying to work through something about myself at the same time.



Haha, interesting. My parents have never told me anything of the sort, but a good friend/ex has. I've gotten the same thoughts as you have, of not wanting to think anymore. It's a very depressing thought, considering you're only going to stop thinking when you're dead. :lol: Just know this, something I've been coming to terms with: there is no "final conclusion." Everything, everything is multifaceted and based on perspective. There can never be one solution, one way of looking at something, one reality, one ultimate anything. Not trying to be elitist, but I very much doubt someone could comprehend this idea, in all its freedom and simultaneous horror, without having had some psychedelic experience. So just look at your problems as having many sides and angles to improve upon. The downside to this is that there's no possibility of an easy, one shot solution.

"Now, bear with me. Any claims I make about myself are not necessarily true, as with anything." 

Quote:

lol, thanks for this, I have slowly been realizing this but it's a very good thing to remember: just because you believe something about yourself doesn't make it so. That one has been problematic for me as when I tell myself something about myself, I have fear I can subconsciously trick myself into becoming whatever that something was. Example: recently I jabbed at my inner peace (which i seem to do so often) by "figuring out" I was gay through trivial "evidence" I can't even remember. before that I tug o war'd with myself on my sanity following the weeks after a bad trip.  I still am having issues with these, and I assure you I am neither gay nor insane.



Hmm, the problem is the power of suggestion IS very strong. Maybe you should hold on to some of that fear. People can drive themselves insane by believing they're becoming insane, or because a quack told them they are crazy. No worries, I've had similar thoughts. I don't believe I am gay or insane, either. Actually, the more I try to diagnose myself, the more I see that I am painfully sane.

Quote:

True it sounds horrible, but your not alone, I have came to this conclusion before, although it was never as present as it seems to be in your case and this occurred much more often a few years ago when I truly believed myself to be THAT amazing.  I very often wish I can go back to believing that strongly in my abilities as now I feel the opposite.

I left out the attractive part because although i wouldn't consider myself ugly I am not quite a model lol. Again, not to say this isn't a very pressing stress on you, but I used to be this way and have since been trying to figure out what happened to me and how I could go back. After a few years without this kind of approval and acknowledgment I have begun to crave it so. If i were you I would focus on enjoying laughter you can give to the people you care for, and use that brilliance for something on your own terms like some sort of passion that can help you really feel like you deserve it. Maybe slap a bitch next time they compliment you? lol



I definitely felt more egotistical/sure of myself in highschool than I do now. I used to have lots of delusions of grandeur, with ridiculous goals/fantasies that actually seemed possible. The thing is, I really don't feel that amazing, which is even part of the problem. Other people shove these impressions on me, several of which I believe to be completely incorrect (the confidence issue, for one). Then again, I do kind of have "high standards." It's hard to explain, and only applicable to certain subjects, usually aesthetically related. A lot of things that impress other people don't impress me, or I'll think something is mediocre while others think it's amazing.

I usually grow out my hair (it is curlyish, shoulder length ATM) and facial hair in an attempt to hide my face a bit. :lol: I've been pretty clean shaven lately, though, for two reasons. One, everybody complains and tells me to shave when I do have a beard, and two, more importantly, I've been trying to get a job (I just had one but it was temporary). Some people also tell me to cut my hair, but meh. I have it short sometimes. I probably look better that way but I just find it to be too much attention. Not that my hair looks bad...I quite like it, plus it's soft. Soft things are awesome.

Believe me, man, I'm trying to find my passion. I'm just interested in a lot of things and I can get overwhelmed on where to start. I feel like I used to be funnier, but I'm sure I'm about the same, I just talk less now. Is it weird that black people find me disproportionately hilarious? :lol: I once went to one of my good friend's Birthday party at an Italian restaurant. He is black, and everybody there, mostly his family, was black. I was the only white/mixed (very light skin tone) person there, and I only knew my friend and his half-brother. I had the whole table cracking up in laughter the whole time. I never felt more funny or social. This was about 2 years ago.

Quote:

Yes and yes. I was the same way as a child, although I would never say I was ashamed of being smart (I actually flaunted it probably way to much), I incorporated those clownish antics into my personality. I think I did so much so that by the end of middle school most people just thought I was stupid until a reason to be smart appeared.



Perhaps I wasn't ashamed, per se, but I definitely felt the hostility displayed towards intelligent people from an early age. I think it's pretty consistent throughout history that the smart people are usually hated, ridiculed, or even considered stupid until after their time. How sad. Makes it seem like more of a benefit to others and a burden on the one possessing it.

Quote:

Again, hello younger me lol (not in a patronizing way). In middle school I was very cynical about everything, social bullshit included, and I adopted most of these views.  Although through my cynicism was always happy, generally good to people who deserved it (though I admit I could be quite the bully), and almost everyone thought I was awesome. I quickly figured out these views were gonna cause problems in high school, but instead of changing with the crowd I tried hard within myself to stay true (probably just making myself more isolated than needed). Through out high school people would always ask me what was the matter when usually I was just fine. I disliked forced/faked social bonds and emotions, etc.  Through out high school i actually lost most of my cynicism and am not sure what replaced it.  Summer after highschool I started attending a lot of parties and events trying to be the social butterfly I felt I always was but never got to show people because of my principals. I did alright, making a lot more friends than I did through out all of highschool, but most were very shallow friendships and I still have not really been able to find a way past this even with some fakeness added to the mix. (crazy to think being more fake would help you get to know people more genuinely right? o well)    But now I wish I could more often be at ease in social situations, as now I have become much more social anxious.



We seem to have an inability to go with the grain, so to speak. It's interesting that you felt that way in middle school, as I felt horrible. I did grades 6 and 7 in NYC and grade 8 in LA. They were dull and I kind of just awkwardly shuffled around in 8th grade with barely anyone to talk to. I was more cynical in highschool, now I am just less cynical, but I still believe it to be too much. Negativity just blows and I was so negative in my teen school years. I didn't enjoy high school at all, pretty much. I was definitely "depressed" during a few of those times. Your situation seems to have worsened since those years and mine seems to have improved, although now I see the downsides to my situation improving, and I still have a long way to go.

Quote:

While in the past I wouldn't admit to being shy, because I guess I felt it was a weakness, yes I am pretty shy and it is quite crippling as you say. Back to middle school, I was 100 percent with any girl and owned every situation.. leading me to believe I had my pick with practically any girl I deemed fit (making them all romantically interesting in a way). And I agree there is something very unnerving about there being a real intention behind your words.  Through out all of high school I had no good friends who were girls because I saw them all as my potential chick and I had too much anxiety to even get to know them. (Not to be mean but I was much more involved as friends with uglier girls as I had no real intention with them, though i would never allow myself to date them or really even be much of a friend).  I have no help for you here as I still face this problem.



I used to be too embarrassed to admit shyness as well, but I'm getting over it. I don't usually tell people in real life, but I have, and it's much easier online. I've seen women somewhat similarly, but I'm not sure why. I kinda find it hard to believe that an attractive guy and girl can remain close friends with no feelings developing unless they're both in a committed relationship.

Quote:

I see how this would be a problem. I lack motivation for most things because other people used to tell me how great I was, and then I think I started telling myself how great I was.  Even after realizing I wasn't that great I still don't have much motivation probably because being motivated would kind of be like me admitting to myself im not that great.  Stupid i know, as i just admitted it so I should be able to get over it.. actually that is the first time i said that so maybe i can get over it now haha. this is very helpful.



Hah, interesting theory. I'll give that some thought.

Quote:

I never have found the root of my problem in this area as you have (the guilt), but i fit the bold to a T.  Most of the time I do not realize it myself but I never allow myself to succeed, even though I have always been something of a perfectionist and I very much want to succeed.  After a while I have just gotten so used to not succeeding that I feel the inner me has just given up on my perfectionist qualities that help me succeed, plus it is really hard trying to be perfect.



I'm not even sure I've found the "root" of my problem, if one can be isolated. But glad to know this helps. I can relate to that last line...sometimes I think of all the hard work that goes into a successful life and I feel crushed.

Quote:

This is actually what I have been doing most recently. I have always assumed there was something about me, but when i was younger I just accepted it and felt, only so often, that it was this unkown that kept me unique, sharp, and going in the right direction (intuition?) and it always worked out great.  Since i have been pretty depressed in the last few months from my dad suffering the end stages of a fetal disease, and ESPECIALLY since a bad trip I had on 2CI about two months ago; I have been searching for that thing to "explain me" as you put it, as I feel I have lost it for the most part. I was positive I had acute ADD or ADHD, but since accepted I have always had this or it is just a symptom of my depression.  Schizophrenia has been a big (irrational) fear of mine for a few years, but it was never really that pressing until that bad trip a few months ago when the following week I felt I had to have been going insane.  I came home from college and told my parents much more about myself than I think I really ever have, hoping they could explain why i was becoming this way.



Sorry to hear about your dad, that's awful. If you're anything like me, you're unlikely to find any proper diagnosis, so stop trying to pigeonhole yourself. That's for others to do, not yourself. This is advice I'm trying to follow as well. 

Quote:

Keep going, I have found it very helpful to get these ideas out of our heads. Because a lot of the time we do not realize how little sense they actually make until we look at them without our brains impairing these thoughts.



It is very helpful, even if the ideas are still crude and make little sense at this point.

Quote:

I dread choosing my major too, im still undecided. It is tough to make choices as there are generally many pros and cons to both, and whose to say one pro or con is better or worse than another.  It all depends on perspective.  I know you want to find your own perspective/assertiveness to be able to choose things easier, just as i do, but know that your hesitation in choosing the wrong decision is also a strength along with a weakness.  The trick is to use that hesitation to not get pulled along by a seemingly sound reason when it could very well have holes, but do not over analyze at the same time and create your own holes.  "Procedure in case of fire: stop, drop, hesitate. Did evidence begot the thinking or did thinking rot the evidence."



I feel the same way about choices. Perhaps they should have never told me to weigh the pros and cons of every decision in school because I tend to see things as about even when I do. I find my hesitation to choose is also related to my skepticism, which I do find healthy. The brilliant McKenna solidified my belief in skepticism (:lol:). The problem is you do eventually have to make a choice in a lot of life's practical matters, and that choice will eventually start to seem wrong if you dwell on it. I believe we are plagued by excessive self doubt.

Quote:

few things are ever easy, i know. But the bold is probably your best bet to solve all your problems.  Not that you should stop yourself from thinking (that always just ends with me feeling dumb lol), just get more action from yourself that you feel is truly for the betterment of you.

Question for my curiosity: is your best friend you have known for most of your life somehow involved in this distress?  Is your idea of being more selfish because they take too much or something? Or is it just people in your life in general?



Thanks for your response, man. We truly do relate on a lot of things. I didn't quote everything, like the bit with how you relate to older people, as I can't really relate to that. This is probably due to the difference in our parents, as I never viewed my parents as "innocent." For example, my dad has been/probably still is addicted to a lot of drugs and could never stay faithful to my mom. I don't feel that I'm very close to my dad in personality, though (he's not a bad guy, by most measures).

And I believe you misinterpreted that. I don't have any best friend I've been close with most of my life, since I moved from NYC to LA between 7th and 8th grade. I've known my current "best" friend (a guy) since 8th grade only. So, no, no one in particular, just people in general. :O

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Anonymous #1

Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Snicklefritz]
    #14017716 - 02/24/11 12:56 AM (13 years, 10 days ago)

Quote:

Snicklefritz said:
Hey OP I have a question for you. Are you a Libra?



I am a Leo under the old zodiac and I think still a Leo or a Cancer under the newer one (8/10). Also, no offense, but I have zero belief in astrology. :shrug:

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Anonymous #2

Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14024176 - 02/25/11 06:57 AM (13 years, 8 days ago)

I feel exactly the same as you for the most part.

I think a lot of my social anxiety stems from similar roots. Whenever I have conversations with people I don't know well (people outside of my best friends and family) it barely ever amounts to anything but small talk. It's not that I don't have anything to say, I am afraid that speaking to people I don't know will result in them being embarrassed/jealous. I always find myself dumbing my vocabulary down to make sure I don't make them feel weak and I avoid bringing up anything you could consider an accomplishment. I go far out of my way to keep people thinking I'm pretty average because frankly I get embarrassed when people find out I'm not.

I wasn't always this way. Back in highschool I would act "normal" and it worked out with some people. Others became hostile and I found out people would talk about me behind my back. They believed I felt that I was above them in some way. Even some I counted as friends felt the same. I had no idea how I was making them feel and was mortified when I found out. I confronted -not really confronted, I don't do much of that. More like brought it up in a non-confrontational manner- the friends and told them I really only ever thought of them as equals(and I did), but to this day there is still a certain awkwardness there between us.

Now Im the quiet one. Im usually content either listening and analyzing or thinking and analyzing. Don't get me wrong, I still add things to conversations, but I prefer to let those who feel the need to fight for the spotlight have it. I constantly find myself in 3+ way conversations with something totally relevant and interesting to say, but I don't say it. And by the time I convince myself it's a good idea the conversation has gone too far away from the thought to be smoothly integrated into the conversation.

As for advice? I don't really have any. In fact if anything my condition is getting worse and I don't really know how to stop it. I used to have low self esteem because I thought I was ugly and whenever someone complimented me I thought they were just being nice. Now Im beginning to realize that I'm actually pretty good looking. I've started to notice girls are always shooting me glances and doing that thing where you kind of misstep and lightly drag a foot on the ground when they walk past(does this actually mean something? I just find that sometimes I do that when I'm walking past an especially pretty girl and want her to notice me and get all self-conscious and do the footdrag thing accidentally).

I wish I could tell you I think you should just live with what you've got because it's a pretty great thing, but then that would be a lie. I've got a friend who I'm very much alike to apart from a few key aspects. Basically, were both smart, good looking and funny. The difference is I want people to think I'm dumber than I really am and he wants people to think he's smarter than he really is. But I'm not saying I'm smarter than him, you know? He is extremely outgoing and can be the life of any social occasion if he so chooses. We used to be equal in our less than social tendencies, but in the past few years he has overcome it somehow. He is able to put on a guise of extreme apathy to what people think of him and this enables his carefree attitude. Unfortunately this transition has also caused him to develop some very antisocial attributes. I don't believe this is the answer because beneath his mask there is much sorrow that only the people he is relatively close to can see.

I guess my point here is that you can pretend to be something you're not and on the outside you may appear that way, but unless you really change from within yourself you probably won't be happy with what you end up with. But I think you already knew that.

What exactly do you guys mean by meditation?

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Offlinedageo18
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Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 57
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Re: Just narcissism? [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #14077880 - 03/06/11 08:48 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Now Im the quiet one. Im usually content either listening and analyzing or thinking and analyzing. Don't get me wrong, I still add things to conversations, but I prefer to let those who feel the need to fight for the spotlight have it. I constantly find myself in 3+ way conversations with something totally relevant and interesting to say, but I don't say it. And by the time I convince myself it's a good idea the conversation has gone too far away from the thought to be smoothly integrated into the conversation.



This one happens to me all the time.  I want to get back to the words coming out of my mouth instead of the words going into my head, getting edited, then analyzed, then re edited, THEN coming out of my mouth.  When things just came out of my mouth it always seemed to work better.. well not always :laugh:

And the friend thing is very relatable to me as well

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