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Anonymous #1
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Changing my Social Life
#14051745 - 03/01/11 10:40 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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I'll make this as short and simple as I possibly can.
I have a moderate anxiety issue. I've had anxiety my whole life, but it was so minor to the point where I would mistake it for a feeling called "nervous". My childhood years were really easy. I was energetic and had lots to say, and I made a nice circle of friends. Fulfilling childhood, lots of fun at school, great.
I get in to junior high and, as we all know, that's when the hormones start hormoning us. Kids got big and mean, but I didn't. My elementary friends turned out not so friendly and they moved on to more "popular" things while I chose to be myself. "Myself", however, had changed into an introvert. Someone who doesn't seem to have much to say. As my classmates are making social advances with their "popularity" type of stuff, I get left behind with my elementary type (plus some maturity) of outlook on life. As I try making new friends I get myself in to many, many awkward situations that get me burned to the ground. This has happened something like, gee I don't know, fifty times.
I would blame those years as the root of my anxiety. A lot of the kids just made me reluctant and somewhat outcasted and I couldn't progress from there. I was lucky to have even made a few friends in high school, and only because I wanted to try pot.
I'm twenty years old now and haven't really experienced a lot of social things. I am nearly scared to get out of my "comfort zone". This is especially inconvenient because I've moved to Colorado (wonderful state, at least the Boulder is), and I can't seem to make a damn friend out here. It's not that I feel incapable of doing it, I'm just too... nervous... Too inexperienced, I feel, to make the time even worth it. And even when I do get out of my comfort zone... the anxiety sticks, and I get tense, then I get awkward and thus I'm unable to really make any progress there.
I know there's people out there who have anxiety just as bad, if not worse, than me. Yet, they get their social needs fulfilled.
I was able to write this post because I took a benzodiazepine earlier today for an airplane flight :p but I'm still making this anonymous. So what should I do here? I've thought about seeing a therapist, and getting anti-anxiety pills... but what social skills can an anxious guy develop to make him not so anxious?
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circastes
Big Questions Small Head


Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 8,781
Loc: straya
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Anxiety sucks, I feel yer.
It will take a lot of the pressure off you if you realise a growing portion of us are really fucked up. And then most of us don't even get to see much of life, or we just fight our hunger the whole time only to die miserably. This place is hardcore. Don't get hung up on where you're at, just try to find out who you are and how this relates to everything else. Then, just enjoy what it gives you. You don't have much time here anyway...
-------------------- My solitude... My shield... My armour... TESTED WITH FULL FORCE
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XUL
OTD Janitor



Registered: 03/16/05
Posts: 28,261
Loc: America
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
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You could get some meds. If you really needed too I would get meds as needed and work on other ways around the issue.
I myself had and have spurts of extreme social anxiety. It makes my life tough. It makes dating hard. It makes being in confined areas with peers tough.
A long time ago I had anxiety so bad that I remember my friend inviting me into a circle of girls standing outside the doorms. I got red, i got nervous, I got panicky and I couldnt pull my head up to look anyone in th eye. I got scared and quickly retreated from the circle of people.
I still have issues but I have foud ways around it.
First I admitted it. I didnt care who knew I had anxiety.
I asked myself what was the root of my fear? It was peers. I was essentially afraid of them. Women and bigger men really.
I started working out and now im not a small guy anymore. It gives me confidence to know I made progress in the gym and that I can stand up to any other man. It also gave me confidence with women.
I used to slouch and be afraid of women. When I got bigger and learned how to keep my posture I had more success with women. They like nice bodies and they like men who stand up straight. I know this from experience.
You should find friends no matter what. I dont seek any specific friends but somehow I always find friends who are just like me. We have similar problems but we always fight through together and have good times. Friends saved my life numerous times.
I joined the fire company to help other people. That made me feel great. It gave me more confidence.
Dont get me wrong. I still have anxiety. Fuck, when my ex broke with me I could barely function. I had anxiety so bad that I thought I was going to die. I went to see a therapist and I couldnt even look her in the eye because I was so fucking anxious. Our therapy sessions would consist of me sitting there nervous as hell, mind flaring 100 miles per hour, sweating, ready to get the fuck out. I usually just told her I couldnt do this now and left.
I would walk into the dinning hall and try to eat by myself. Surrounded by the mass of crowds I would have panick attacks and be unable to eat. To fix this problem I ate with my best friends or I ate at times when there were less people in the dinning hall.
The most important part about all this is... Its who you are and you can not be ashamed of that. If you need help then go see a therapist. If you end up taking medications then dont be ashamed. We do what we have to do to live.
One thing I would say is though... I would stray away from taking any addictive medication on a daily basis. I think as needed is the best way to go. But hey, im no doctor.
Edited by XUL (03/02/11 11:01 AM)
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nglsnv
Becoming



Registered: 08/31/10
Posts: 782
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you have to stop giving so many fucks, as they say. when you are engaged in conversation try not to over-analyze what is happening. think to yourself, what is happening? i am being asked how my day was, so then all you have to do is say something about your day. when you over-think the situation you introduce more and more problems like wondering why the person even cares, what to say next, if your day sounds lame, etc. etc.
if you feel that something is wrong in such a situation, like the person you are talking to is obviously disinterested, why worry over this? leave it at that, the fact that they are disinterested. you have no obligation to be interesting. with the knowledge that they are disinterested you could then move the conversation into some other area that maybe they find interesting, by asking them about their day, for example.
people freak out over nothing wayyy too much. i used to be guilty of this too because i would constantly make speculations about the other person's thoughts/intentions/feelings/etc. that i couldnt possibly prove or would not even think about trying to discover if they were true -- because usually they were negative assumptions about the situation (i.e. this guy thinks i'm dumb as shit).
practice keeping this in mind the next time you find yourself in a situation that could make you nervous. make no assumptions other than those needed for your input into the conversation and don't get caught up on the awkward parts of the conversation -- these happen, they are normal, just accept them and move on.
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bigmike7104
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 1,395
Loc: USA
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Re: Changing my Social Life [Re: nglsnv]
#14054702 - 03/02/11 01:40 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
It's not that I feel incapable of doing it, I'm just too... nervous... Too inexperienced, I feel, to make the time even worth it. And even when I do get out of my comfort zone... the anxiety sticks, and I get tense, then I get awkward and thus I'm unable to really make any progress there.
don't fear that you are going to get nervous, just because you are doesn't automatically mean you'll look stupid or not make any progress. so just accept that your afraid and just do it anyways, then over time you'll get less and less nervous and it will start getting easier. optimism and confidence is key and it will influence how things go.
also only go on meds for short term. therapies good too and helps to get at the root. anybody can get over it with the effort which is a lot healthier, it just takes time.
Quote:
And then most of us don't even get to see much of life, or we just fight our hunger the whole time only to die miserably.
the power of the mind is pretty strong, so whether you believe you can't you won't but the same goes for the opposite. realize it's just a habit in the way you think and break out of that habit like any other one, I know first hand it's hard, but that's no excuse.
Quote:
You don't have much time here anyway...
exactly why you have you get mad and say fuck anxiety im here to live life, im going to enjoy my limited time here and not let fear keep me from doing so. in the end it doesn't matter whether that one little situation years ago was awkward, or that situation might turn out awkward, be here in the now
which leads me to recommend mindfulness meditation and to do your best to bring that practice into your daily life.
good luck 
Edited by bigmike7104 (03/02/11 02:13 PM)
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic


Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Anxiety plagues me everyday just about, and its something that's been part of my life ever since I started college. That was 4 yrs ago.
I decided to go to college in a bordering state where I basically knew no one. I joined a sorority (read as: paid for friends, i thought that was the route to take to get to the "in" crowd) and just started having random sex. I've always been a bit on the eccentric side, but the social rules within the greek system freaked me the fuck out to say the least, and I became severely withdrawn and eventually dropped out after wasting 2 yrs of trying to fit in somewhere I wasn't comfortable.
I would rarely talk in class, some professors even commented on it. I had little to no friends of my own (a few left over greeks and some from classes). I never greeted anyone at work, just sat in my cubicle for hours. I shared a house with an ex-greek, and pretty much shared her social circle or went out by myself. After a year, I moved into a studio and started living alone. That's when things got out of control.
I got content to being alone for long periods of time. I'd smoke lots of weed and surf the net. All artistic pursuits (besides my painting class, because I was forced to go or fail) floundered. I tried dating, but I wasn't physically attracted to the people I picked up, and so nothing ever lasted long or was fulfilling. Social interactions consisted in me sitting in one spot and not saying anything, just looking around. My eating disorder came back. I cried a lot. I was an emotional wreck.
I'm still dealing with this shit. I finally met some people who live in my apartment complex, and now when in class I've made a rule to try and chime in at least once. I've seen a therapist a few times before, and that was helpful, even as just someone who'll listen (I wasn't prescribed anything, but smoke weed every now and then, and get drunk too often). From my personal experience, the best advice I can give you is just to relax. People are usually nice. Just say 'hello' to the ones you encounter, there's no expectation of a conversation. Go do something for yourself one day, like run or bike or paint, and enjoy it!
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full blown human
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dageo18
Stranger


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 57
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
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Proffessor Tibbs advice is pretty solid I think, along with all the posts above me. I make way to many negative assumptions. Remember to assume just makes an ASS out out U and Me. Toggle optimistic goggles.
I'd say I am in the same boat as you, only high school is where the problems started not middle school. All the way through out junior high I was VERY energetic and had more to say than most people, I didn't have a comfort zone. I actually thrived on what people would call awkwardness and had a strange talent for building up people's uncomfortability and using the situation to do something funny or say something interesting. I could break down anyone's walls, I knew no fear. I had a few different good groups of close friends and was "friends" which pretty much everyone else no matter if I knew them that well or not.
High school is when I crashed and my expectations of staying extremely outgoing proved false. For some reason, unknown to me at the time, I was too anxious to be my rambunctious self. I had a complete an utter shut down of confidence, which previously had been so overflown the Hover Dam couldn't have stopped it. And until recently, 5 years later, I hadn't even realized I have been experiencing anxiety. I couldn't admit I had such thing as a fault. I just wrote off my social anxiety as a little nervousness, or created an agenda in my head where I didn't want to be friends with the people around me. I became an outcast, something I wasn't too familiar with.
Now with entering college, I had the expectations that I would redeem myself and again become the social butterfly I was meant to be. But get this, it didn't work. Possibly even compounded my anxiety. I didn't talk to a single person in my dorm. After a few weeks I became so anxious just sitting in my room, fearful and ashamed every time I heard people in other rooms laughing and having fun. I moved out of my dorm room back into my parents house.
That was actually the beginning of this semester, so I still haven't faced my problem and probably don't have much advice for you. Just letting you know that this is such a common problem, don't feel like a crazy. Your not alone in this, most other people don't have it together either.
I think all you can really do is work on making yourself do things, like facing any fear you might have. Keep it in mind. If you are standing at a bus stop alone with someone, and you have the fear flash through your head- "cant talk to them, no reason, never going to see them again, what if something bad happens, etc."- start a conversation. Doesn't matter what you say, maybe hello how are you would do. Just face your fear, I feel like that is something that is currently helping me.
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