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Anonymous #1

a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath
    #13999885 - 02/21/11 08:10 AM (13 years, 12 days ago)

as i look back upon life, all i see is a permanent state of wandering. traversing through these quandaries of life, i seemed to have picked up a trend. this awful habit has been deeply woven into my very fabric of reality. i have a tendency of warping what society deem's a normal social life, the storybook "best-friends-forever" ideology. simply put, i'm a wanderer.

i find solace in comfort. i like the feeling of being safe, so i build my own sheltering environment. i forge my own temporary "little worlds" in which i may live in to hide my inner being and true self. then, i abandon my old "virtual reality" for a new one. this means i must keep my identity safe by losing one. this is a difficult task only refined through long-term experience, which eventually digs the grave deeper and deeper. alas, such an occupation requires some personality traits: deceitfulness, apathy, deliberation, and observance. just the right mixture will concoct a human being with such depth one could drown in its deepness, including himself. he may seem good-natured, friendly, or nice, but his only purpose is to manipulate. his intent may be subconscious, which severely worsens its nature.

many times have i lied. in my eyes, lies are like drugs. each lie is a "virtual reality" thrill, inducing a high of false grandeur and glamour. and if each lie was worth a dollar, i'd be making a comfortable 9-to-5 living. sometimes i lie with intent, sometimes i just lie to lie. i consider this habit a self-inflicting, cyclical illness because it has yet to cease its parasitic parade of overtaking my life. it is a lonely road, my illusory path of life. i keep the "friends" i need until they're of no use to me, moving along to a new set like a change in season. these aren't conscious decisions i'm making, rather a projection of my intrinsic albedo. deeper within me, i am stricken by perpetual forces of good and evil, waging wars upon each other daily, battle-by-battle. their seeming symbiosis is actually parasitic, consisting of an inner identity as the host and an outer identity as the parasite.

in detail, the outer identity is a manipulative projection of the inner identity. it uses deceit as its main form of protection. with systematic deceit, it creates a character portrayed with fitting mannerisms and a suitable personality, deceiving the audience into accepting the character as reality. by creating this falsified projection of one's true identity, one can produce "disposable-reality" complexes, like if a hermit crab could develop its own shells. with time, each "shell" may lose its comfortability, consequently that "shell" would be abandoned and a new one constructed. this particular step requires a little more apathy than others because one must be able to truly actualize their personal and emotional ties and then willingly abandon them in order to be successfully executed. furthermore, habitual practice will lead to a complete emotional numbness.

in comparison, the inner identity is the underlying decision-maker. once it has overly indulged in its sickness, it begins to lose control of its reality and must abide by the laws it itself created, living in its own hallucinations. but, its biggest downfall is that it consciously continues the cycle by indulging in its addiction. it becomes accustomed to the pampered life of "virtual reality," losing sight of what is true. eventually, the inner identity becomes crazed. it no longer knows its true identity. by acting out characters, it puts on a show in order to maintain a social life, since no relationship is ever formed with honesty. this feeds the outer identity and gives it power. but together, they maintain the workings of my personality.

after many seasons, my addiction became apparent. its effects took form at a slow progression. with the abandonment of each character, my soul slowly died. i could no longer love and i began to see people as mere objects. i felt no remorse. specifically, i began manipulating women for sex and affection. i preyed upon the easiest ones, usually innocent and vulnerable girls who have never felt a day of heartbreak. first, i convinced them to believe the portrayal of my character. then, i would cultivate the relationship until there was a definite bond. then, i would fall in love with them. because they are innocent, they naively believe the act and fall into my trap. this is when i really indulged. i would begin treating these girls like girlfriends, but only when i needed them around. this was fairly easy to do because i truly fell in love with each of them. but, this love was conditional. it was only there when i felt lonely. i would relive each romantic fantasy out as a method of pacifying my loneliness. it made me feel loved, important, human.

but, none of it was real. by deceiving others, i have deceived myself. i created a black hole that slowly replaced the existence of my soul. i no longer felt human. my sociopathic personality had become my virtual reality simulator, and life became a game. and this game started to feel better than the real thing. i was hooked. and there's no coming back from signing your soul to the devil.







The Hollow Man

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OfflineXpatriot
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Registered: 07/30/08
Posts: 149
Last seen: 11 years, 2 months
Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14003793 - 02/21/11 08:37 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

A great post about the inner workings of the mind. Im not a sociopath, but can identify to some lesser degree with whats said here. Im starting to be able to understand my reality as a construction within my mind, glimpses of the outside are frightening. The outside being beyond my current perception, the outside being objectivity. It seems as if I got a grasp of that outside that one of two things would happen, I would lose it. Or two, I would be able to manipulate myself as is stated here, it seems within grasp. This too would lead to ruin, it always does, the only happy reality is that of genuine connection with others, so I believe. Perhaps you can heal yourself,Ive been to hell and back, and am learning to control the world inside my head, its possible, you can train your self. It may take years, but trying and failing is better than living a life devoid of real human interaction.

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Anonymous #1

Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Xpatriot]
    #14004761 - 02/21/11 11:22 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

understanding my condition allows me to gain control. now that i can differentiate between what is a product of myself and what is a product of the environment that i created for myself, i can choose whether or not to indulge. with earnest, i can eventually heal myself. that is my ultimate goal. and by publicly admitting my own evils (even if it is anonymous), i begin my first step.
:sun:

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OfflinesysD
this side up.

Registered: 08/03/06
Posts: 384
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14016552 - 02/23/11 09:24 PM (13 years, 10 days ago)

pm me plz


--------------------
repeat after me: "i am a strong black woman"

"awwwww, shucky-ducky!"

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Anonymous #1

Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: sysD]
    #14020576 - 02/24/11 03:24 PM (13 years, 9 days ago)

about what exactly?

sorry, but i'd rather not expose my identity unless i knew it was for a good cause.

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Offlinemarmarwoohoo
Male

Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 495
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14034856 - 02/27/11 09:00 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

This is one of the more insightful things I have read in a long time.  But as sad as the story is I would say a lot of us live that way and not just the ones labeled sociopaths. The fact that you recognize this behavior says a lot about you. Of course you may just be manipulating all of us still to make us think you are wise and trying to change your ways. Who knows!?

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Anonymous #1

Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: marmarwoohoo]
    #14040071 - 02/28/11 12:53 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

there is no reason for your approval of my own personal acknowledgements. :stoned: i originally posted this thread during an amphetamine binge. it was a way to solidify my personal reflections during my temporary self-destructive mental state of utter "goopiness." hopefully, others can somewhat identify with what i have gone through in the past and realize what i needed to understand about myself in order to change. in retrospect, this was only meant to spark provocative thoughts rather than to amuse myself.

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OfflinejivJaN
yes
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Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14046805 - 03/01/11 03:23 AM (13 years, 4 days ago)

Cool story.
I can relate.

Which is why i know that you're glorifying this.
I've been through a stage where it felt like a cool thing to be this pretty boy with sinister intentions underneath. Then the next cool thing was to be the good guy that found the little boy in him.

I'm not trying to belittle you. I know for a fact that it would make you upset. You might see it as a challenge.

I just want you to agree with me.
Admit it.

You see through your own story. You don't entirely believe it.

And it doesn't mean that you're a sociopath. It means that ur human.
We all do this shit.
I hooked up with a virgin girl.. stayed with her for a couple months and broke up with her on christmas eve.

I know what its like not to care about others and use them.
But this is no disorder that will make you dark and interesting if you use fancy words to explain it. Its the result of a very common trait we all share as  humans.
We want what we can't have.
We get bored with what we do have.


--------------------



---------------------

All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional.
They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively.
I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life  and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal.
If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..

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Anonymous #1

Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: jivJaN]
    #14052321 - 03/02/11 12:19 AM (13 years, 4 days ago)

your personal insights are somewhat interesting, but they don't really relate to me. i don't see any point in trying to be the sinister pretty boy. just because you try to be "cool" doesn't mean we all do. to try being something is different than truly being something. i've given up on trying. that's why i wrote this story. and i meant to portray it as a story, not necessarily a descriptive autobiography. so naturally there are some grandiose properties to it.
btw, it usually isn't so fruitful trying to assume things. your eager attempt at trying to relate to me, or possibly to strike an emotional response in me, just made you look like a smart-ass, and a bit pretentious.

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OfflinejivJaN
yes
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Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
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Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14052606 - 03/02/11 02:05 AM (13 years, 4 days ago)

Quote:

i meant to portray it as a story, not necessarily a descriptive autobiography. so naturally there are some grandiose properties to it.






Thaaanx

Everything else you said was ridiculous and you misunderstood my intentions.

you didn't stop trying to be someone.
you're just trying to be the guy/girl that stopped.
and i caught you doing it.

Quote:

in comparison, the inner identity is the underlying decision-maker.





What if that inner identity doesn't exist ?
How can it ever be  something that wont be what it really isn't ?
How can you ever be the real you.. if you don't even exist ?
:dancer:

Many have pushed the limits of the psyche and found the paradoxes of identity.

Life before the discovery seems unsatisfying in contrast. Lacking substance.
This appears to be a new change now instead an artificial one orchestrated by the machinations of the mind.
We sense as though we have "wandered" around never fully experiencing life itself but a mind made version of it we continuously project from our ever changing contrived sense of self.
Now its different.
Now we can see through our own actions and we can hear the mind speaking.
We question the mind and while the answer is found in the echoing of the question we wonder who it is doing all the talking.
A frightening BANG ! and a psychotic grin to great you with the  realization that it doesn't matter. Whoever is doing the talking is a slave to that mind, for it never truly stops speaking.


Likewise.. the false identity never disappears it is continuously replaced with a new one.


Quote:

just because you try to be "cool" doesn't mean we all do.




yes you do.


--------------------



---------------------

All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional.
They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively.
I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life  and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal.
If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..

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InvisibleAsante
Mage
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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 87,085
Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14052918 - 03/02/11 05:44 AM (13 years, 3 days ago)

Thank you for sharing this insight in your inner processes, though I trust you forgive me for looking directly at what you intend to gain from this, and aside from realizing its a hard road to be walking, actually feeling more empathy for the people you screwed over along the way.

jivJaN, no need to get emotional, he isnt.


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here

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OfflinejivJaN
yes
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Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Asante]
    #14054537 - 03/02/11 01:10 PM (13 years, 3 days ago)

Quote:

jivJaN, no need to get emotional, he isnt.




:rolleyes:


--------------------



---------------------

All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional.
They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively.
I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life  and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal.
If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..

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Anonymous #1

Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Asante]
    #14057576 - 03/02/11 11:01 PM (13 years, 3 days ago)

Quote:

Wiccan_Seeker said:
Thank you for sharing this insight in your inner processes, though I trust you forgive me for looking directly at what you intend to gain from this, and aside from realizing its a hard road to be walking, actually feeling more empathy for the people you screwed over along the way.





i assume you know who i am. :undecided:

although the peak of my addiction was years ago, a habit is a habit, so there will always be deeply involved remnants of my own mania. as i look back at it now, i realize that it was mainly caused by my inability to accept myself. it scares me that i could be so selfish and manipulative. in spite of this, such a feeling of remorse can only remind me of my sanity, and that i am only human. but honestly, i wasn't able to feel any empathy for my victims until i became a victim of myself. due to my excessive indulgence, i lost the only person i had ever truly loved, my ex-girlfriend. such pain and agony forced me to reevaluate myself as i spiraled into emotional decay. imo, sometimes it's best to leave yourself in ruins so you can build yourself up again.

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InvisibleAsante
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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 87,085
Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14059612 - 03/03/11 12:02 PM (13 years, 2 days ago)

Quote:


i assume you know who i am. :undecided:





I didnt look, theres no point to it. Sociopathy is very common, you probably are or arent on the sizable number of members I suspect to be, but given the nature of messageboard interaction, it really isnt important to find out for me.

Its good to know this of yourself as self-insight is usually quite lacking in sociopaths, and its precisely selfinsight that can help you to get a better grip over yourself, avoiding pitfalls and setting yourself up for failure.

Your road to recovery has to be deeply founded in selfinterest, or its doomed to fail.

If theres some actual empathy or remorse left you might have an angle from there and get your moral compass back online - and with it a far richer palette of human experiences becomes available to you again. A lot of that will be unpleasant to deal with but its gonna be linked to a lot of positive other experiences very much worth having.

I disagree that sociopathy is a form of insanity, sociopaths typically lack in morals and emotions, not as much brightness and consistency.

Did you have friends as a kid, that you considered friends and not means to a goal?


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here

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Anonymous #1

Re: a wanderer's allegory: the hallucinations of a sociopath [Re: Asante]
    #14061476 - 03/03/11 05:10 PM (13 years, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Wiccan_Seeker said:
Quote:


i assume you know who i am. :undecided:





I didnt look, theres no point to it. Sociopathy is very common, you probably are or arent on the sizable number of members I suspect to be, but given the nature of messageboard interaction, it really isnt important to find out for me.

Its good to know this of yourself as self-insight is usually quite lacking in sociopaths, and its precisely selfinsight that can help you to get a better grip over yourself, avoiding pitfalls and setting yourself up for failure.

Your road to recovery has to be deeply founded in selfinterest, or its doomed to fail.

If theres some actual empathy or remorse left you might have an angle from there and get your moral compass back online - and with it a far richer palette of human experiences becomes available to you again. A lot of that will be unpleasant to deal with but its gonna be linked to a lot of positive other experiences very much worth having.

I disagree that sociopathy is a form of insanity, sociopaths typically lack in morals and emotions, not as much brightness and consistency.

Did you have friends as a kid, that you considered friends and not means to a goal?





wow. that was a reassuring and insightful post indeed.

yes, as a kid, i had a real set of friends, but only one of which was truly considered my "friend." but once "popularity" became a schoolyard commodity, i saw firsthand how easily they could dispose of me for something "cooler." I don't hold these things against them because i eventually did the same. i left them for a "better" group of friends as a way to prove to them, and eventually myself, that i didn't need them.

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