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Offlinesmaerd
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Registered: 03/11/08
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PTSD
    #14022568 - 02/24/11 09:28 PM (13 years, 8 days ago)

Well for a large duration of time I thought I was a paranoid schizophrenic... Then a friend on another forum said you sure it's not PTSD. So I did some research and it fit the profile, and I realized I never shared my truama's with the psyche's or dealt with them. Just buried them with drugs etc.

Here I am now drug-free, dealing with PTSD in a big way... Guess I'm looking for some more support on here. Can't pay for another psyche visit/misdiagnosis. I joined a PTSD forum and they agree... PTSD is the culprit.

I was sexually assaulted, had a gun against my heart-beat, my parents abandoned me, in a six month period then had to eat 38 hits of acid(after being pulled over by the cops eating what was left of a half sheet) and was left alone essentially for two days until a friend brought over seraquel so I could sleep. Those are my multiple traumas...

And yea some people think "if someone wants to kill you, you probably deserve it", the truth is, I was just selling weight... Never robbed anyone or fucked up anyones money. Just had something other people valued more than my life... No one deserves that shit...

In some ways its a blessing to know that it can be treated and this life won't end in delusions and a padded room(para. schiz). In other's it's hell, like it's a lot to deal with. It'd be easier to just be crazy...

If anyone has any tips on how to deal with hypervigilence or other symptoms please feel free to share. I don't mind talking about it so if you think you can help feel free to ask questions.

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OfflinesysD
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Registered: 08/03/06
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Re: PTSD *DELETED* [Re: smaerd]
    #14022929 - 02/24/11 10:33 PM (13 years, 8 days ago)

Post deleted by sysD

Reason for deletion: 5



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repeat after me: "i am a strong black woman"

"awwwww, shucky-ducky!"

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Offlinesmaerd
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Re: PTSD [Re: sysD]
    #14035629 - 02/27/11 12:11 PM (13 years, 6 days ago)

Thanks for the advice.

I found a pretty good forum for it and joined up a little bit ago. It's really helpful to see all the other people to feel the same and get advice from them. Yea meds are bunk, I only take a benzo(or 4) whenever it's too much to deal with.

Thanks for the kind offer it means a lot. I might take you up on that, but in the mean-time I'm gonna work through some of this stuff.

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OfflinesysD
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Registered: 08/03/06
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Re: PTSD *DELETED* [Re: smaerd]
    #14037293 - 02/27/11 05:48 PM (13 years, 6 days ago)

Post deleted by sysD

Reason for deletion: 36



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repeat after me: "i am a strong black woman"

"awwwww, shucky-ducky!"

Edited by ZippoZ (02/27/11 09:11 PM)

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Offlinesmaerd
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Re: PTSD [Re: sysD]
    #14062874 - 03/03/11 08:45 PM (13 years, 1 day ago)

I WANT TO BREAK FUCKING EVERYTHING
:onfire:

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OfflinesysD
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Registered: 08/03/06
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Re: PTSD *DELETED* [Re: smaerd]
    #14092675 - 03/09/11 01:48 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Post deleted by sysD

Reason for deletion: +



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repeat after me: "i am a strong black woman"

"awwwww, shucky-ducky!"

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Offlineshroom-jitsu
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Re: PTSD [Re: sysD]
    #14119974 - 03/14/11 03:35 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Man, for real, you have your work cut out for you.  Repetition is the key.  You literally have to reprogram yourself.  I don't know how much you've read up on the amygdala, but it's basically a spy cam in your brain that gets the info from your senses before your thinking brain does.  It has the ability to instantly overrule, or rather, preempt the normal process of recognition and rationale.  Aka, you freak the fuck out.

The only way to "fix" it is continuous repetition of conscience choice in the face of triggers, rather than the reactionary.  In other words, you'll probably fuck up a lot and get really frustrated, but it is very doable if you are a strong person.  Just don't be overly hard on yourself and communicate what's happening to anyone and everyone close to you.  This, coupled with GOOD therapy is your best bet.

It's tough, but people succeed at this every day.

Best of Luck!

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Offlinesmaerd
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Re: PTSD [Re: shroom-jitsu]
    #14128463 - 03/16/11 12:22 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Shroomjitsu good tip on the amygdala. Science and math are the only grounding things in my life right now. Your so right though, it is all about reprogramming. It does get really frustrating.

Things are better but it can all reset so fast it isn't much fun. Perfect day, then someone will misspell something and 'trigger', perfect day and someone behind me is wearing sunglasses in their car 'trigger', etc. It's cool though being aware of this now though is helping piece by piece.

I've prevented some 'episodes' lately, but I've lost a lot of good friends/people just from losing my mind. if they can't handle me, I can't blame them. It's probably better off this way anyways.

Had my first baby-steps of 'exposure therapy' and didn't run away.:thumbup:


Good call on smashing some plates sysD lol. Luckily I'm on break right now from school, it's really given me a chance to unwind and get back to a more normal state. Get to visit some old friends that I know and trust completely soon, seriously can't wait :smile:.

Sorry for such a bummerish unresponsive thread. Trying not to spread this shit out onto other people so much, but rather share what I'm figuring out/working on.

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Offlineshroom-jitsu
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Re: PTSD [Re: smaerd]
    #14132132 - 03/16/11 04:40 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Hey man, coincidence or what?  Look what I came across today:

http://www.emdr.com/q&a.htm#q1


Looks promising.

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OfflineAzure Essence
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Re: PTSD [Re: shroom-jitsu]
    #14132368 - 03/16/11 05:22 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Look into NLP. There are a lot of memory techniques people use in therapy with great success. If you can handle getting into those memories, and accessing them, start to look at other qualities of the memory

how far away is it? is it clear, or blurry? distorted in any way? black and white or colour? 'where' is it? 3D or flat?

IF you can change some of these qualities of these memories, it can change the way you perceive them.

Another technique is making a memory like a snapshot that sums it up or represents it, and putting it into a frame, and imagine pushing that frame onto a wall with other pictures, possible other snapshots of your life, or just things you enjoy, or abstract impressionist art. Try to stan back and see it as just an observer in a museum.


Or imagine this is your timeline:


__________________|__._________|_____________________________

Now, the bracket itself is like the 'present time', the dot is your obstacle. Now this may be stupid, but seriously, stand up and go to the other end of the room and look at the line. Really, it'll be 2 seconds, just do it.

Bet you couldnt see the dot, could you? You could barely see the bracket, but you certainly saw the line. Now try this in your head, and really see and feel the timeline as the totality of your existence. The trick here is understanding WHAT this obstacle is for. It's akin to the trick of saying, "I Will run a mile in 5 mintues flat" and "I will Try to run a mile in 5 minutes"

Trying implies not succeeding. By realizing what this obstacle is for, you have a better grasp on the situation and how you may go about dealing with it. Change the sub-modalities(shape, size, texture, etc) of the memories and they might actually be perceived by the brain in different ways, and give you moments where you  can place your own emotional tag to what it is.

Another technique I like is taking the image in your head and making it just dark, and gray, and then making it smaller and farther away until I cant see it. Do this a few times. Take an image of something that conjures up love and confidance, and blow it up. Make it loud and clear, and shiny.

Why do you think people love celebrities when they are some of the most retarded people on earth? Big screens and surround sound is why.

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OfflinesysD
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Registered: 08/03/06
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Re: PTSD *DELETED* [Re: Azure Essence]
    #14150097 - 03/19/11 07:09 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Post deleted by sysD

Reason for deletion: 5



--------------------
repeat after me: "i am a strong black woman"

"awwwww, shucky-ducky!"

Edited by sysD (03/19/11 07:09 PM)

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Offline1tokeovrtheline
life=painfully beautiful
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Re: PTSD [Re: sysD]
    #14150648 - 03/19/11 08:53 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

just so you know a lot of things technically are PTSD because they are environmental responses. For instance the person who has social anxiety disorder often has developed it because of some experience of abuse, so it is post traumatic stress disorder, but more specific. Its always important to know that psychological things like that are behavioral, I mean yeah there is stuff on the neurochemistry for some things, but for the most part its not like a disease where you can pinpoint "oh here's the tumor", and A LOTTTTTT of psychological issues have very similar symptoms, so it really is very important to get it checked out by a professional if you think you have a problem

I just say this because my brother has some social issues and was too nervous to go to a psychologist so he spent an entire year looking up stuff on his issues, and I mean he really went very in-depth and it sounded like he knew what he knew what he was talking about. He thought he was all sorts of shit, but through all this research came completely convinced he had a genetic psychological issue that couldn't be cured and attempted suicide because he thought that would be the only way out.

the psychologist found that all of his self diagnoses were wrong, even though all the symptoms matched up in books and online, and he only had depression. After a few months of therapy he was fine.




I just don't want that to be the case with anyone else, so if you are having significant issues go see a good psychologist. Good luck


--------------------


Music, business as usual
Mi' spliff and Guiness as usual
Highgrade we puffin as usual
Fight down the system as usual
The system fight we down as usual
The cops dem a watch we as usual
And a we a watch the cops as usual

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OfflinesysD
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Registered: 08/03/06
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Re: PTSD *DELETED* [Re: 1tokeovrtheline]
    #14160009 - 03/21/11 03:49 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Post deleted by sysD

Reason for deletion: 6



--------------------
repeat after me: "i am a strong black woman"

"awwwww, shucky-ducky!"

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Offlineshimishimiman
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Re: PTSD [Re: sysD]
    #14160399 - 03/21/11 05:10 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I personally would like to hear about how that 38 hit acid trip went...


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Offlinesmaerd
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Re: PTSD [Re: shimishimiman]
    #14179024 - 03/24/11 10:13 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Sorry that my responses are delayed here. I have been working on this, and awareness of 'my' position in it seems to delay 'progress'.

Shroom-jitsu fascinating and very in sync discovery there :smile:. Thank you for sharing I did some preliminary research on it. Does look promising.

Azure essence - what a beautiful and well thought out post. Yes a lot of the memories of trauma almost seem to be third person not visually but emotionally. Like it wasn't this body, this mind, that was there. Which is probably form the years of repression.

That technique that you're mentioning is sort of what has been transpired. Perspective shifts of the events, rewiring the associations.  I love the time-line thing I tried it and it's so true.  Lot's to think about/practice there :smile:.

SysD - Thanks for that :smile:. "Experience and forgiveness breed wisdom", now that is a mantra! Friends come and friends go, it's okay, just another lesson(or 1,000 little lessons leading to one big one heh).

1tokeovertheline - I was originally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression when I was I think 13. Then after all of this stuff happened I saw a psychiatrist who told me I was paranoid schizophrenic. Which the symptoms match in places but in other's they don't. Time-line fits, etc. I'm not to hung up on the diagnosis here's why.

My delusions are pretty directly linked to the trauma's and hypervigilence. When I'm not 'triggered' I do NOT have them. Sleep issues, etc. I still know who I am and whats going on, and visual hallucinations have only happened on rare ocassions or HPPD type stuff(these are easy to spot :smile:). HPPD ones will be like patterns shifting(carpet), the sky turning into the ground, pink ribbons and funky glitter floating when a pretty girl ties her shoes. While the other trauma ones are, one time I saw a secret service agent no one else did, reading spelling mistakes and 'between the lines' to receive menacing threats(when they are not there), etc.

So essentially I can see why they would think I was a paranoid schizophrenic, because I believed it for 2-3 years as well(I never spoke about the traumas to the psyche ever because I was still repressing them). Though by working on things as if I had PTSD things have become FAR more managable. See your friend thought he had something that couldn't be cured with no diagnosis. While I 'have' a diagnosis for something that can't be cured but actually have something that can be helped with therapy(Para. schitz. is more of an endless battle that the person always seems to lose).

So there's no harm in essentially trying this on, especially because it is working. I truly appreciate your concern, it came from the heart. So glad your friend is still alive today to share his experience. If it's wrong, then I'm wrong, and I'm crazy for life anyways hehe. Though this is actually right, :smile:.

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Offlinesmaerd
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Re: PTSD [Re: smaerd]
    #14179187 - 03/24/11 10:44 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I do agree with what you guys are saying though. It's hard if not completely impossible to diagnose oneself accurately. Though paranoid schizophrenia did me no good at all. All it did was justified me to act out on trauma triggers, get frusterated and helpless, etc. Now I can work on these things and I've been making good progress :smile:. For example, a lane and two cars behind me was a gov't licensed vehicle. I kept singing the song I was listening too, and smiling. I literally stopped for maybe a half second about to trigger but extinguished the fire when it was still a spark. So all this work is actually moving me forward.

I also smoked weed in public and didn't stress over it, alone(just started smoking here and there for the first time in months). Normally I like blow hits through paper towels and within a minute have my pipe cleaned(rubbing alcohol) with residue in the toilet. Then STILL worry about the police, the cia, etc. Lol it's crazy I know... Triggers are why I had to stop smoking, but I didn't know that at the time.

shimishimiman - The trip started by being pulled over sitting passenger while me and a friend were smoking while driving(not cool I know). I had what was left of a half sheet(12 hits gone). No hesitation dropped it(thankfully not an RC!).

I was sweating bullets slopping gels down my throat and licking my teeth while the cop searched the car. That was all the weed we had thankfully but man I couldn't describe the fear BEFORE it even hit(never ate more then like a 10 strip of kinda weak L with a tolerance before this).

On the ride home it was like already the beginning of the end it felt like. kept trying to clear my head but I was just stuck and my friend literally dropped me off at my apartment, didn't stay and hang or anything. The rest of it was ridden out essentially in an unfinished basement(my room). A lot of the trip was blacked out.

I never really hallucinated I mean don't get me wrong I've seen a lot of shit and been overtaken by light and the fractals and shapes etc from acid. Though this trip I can vividly remember flying through the 'sky'(not sky looking) and looking down as 'earth' got further and further away. It was all pixelated and abstracted but FAST and thats like what "I" became for that part. Until I was just nothing farther and farther away from anything with just impossible geometrical noise. Where my eyes open or closed? No clue.

I remember shaking really hard and rocking back and forth a lot when I could tube in. It never ended really like sometimes it feels like that is still happening. I had some bad junkie karma back then. It felt like it would never end and every-time I could even think to try and correct that thought the next couple thoughts would loop right back to that. "This isn't - normal" -> "STOP STOP" -> "I'm dead", etc.

Coming down was honestly the best part because I couldn't sleep for two days and a friend gave me seraquel and I finally past out. Don't get me wrong I was still feeling high when I woke up after that, just like acid can kind of burn that perspective into your head. Or at least it has done with me.

For like two months or so I was just like a philosopher, kind of roaming around thinking about the big topics, etc. Cliche burn-out skate-bum.

Sorry if this is like really confusing? and kind of messy, that's like the most linear I think I can make it. Like that was sadly the tipping point for me I think. Don't get me wrong some good did come out of it, though it really stressed me out bad. Started reallly doing hard drugs after. Though after all that crap happening in a year then having nearly 48 hours of mostly alone time tripping face in a basement after almost getting arrested it just piled up. Maybe I was just a sensitive little bitch but at the time, either way I couldn't cope or surrender.

Some of the good things that came out of it where there were moments of that like pure LSD bliss, cosmic comfort, etc. Then once my head could work again blam it would just pinch it's own nipples.

It's pretty dissociating trying to think about it.

edit - LSD is a wonderful substance, don't let this like scare you away from it(anyone). Just be cautious with it and don't carry more than you can eat. Bad trips are often a choice honestly, this one probably was too. It's hard to open your head up. I still don't regret it. It's helped me to be who I am today, and being able to feel the LSD perspective(on command) is a great and important gift that I'm very thankful for even after this.

Edited by smaerd (03/24/11 11:02 PM)

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OfflineThe Inner Eye
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Re: PTSD [Re: smaerd]
    #14179374 - 03/24/11 11:22 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

This may sound weird, but the band TOOL has helped me through some hard times,  As well with other music.  Music seems to be therapy for me... then again everyone is different.  Just thought i'd share.  Good luck bro.


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Offlinesmaerd
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Re: PTSD [Re: The Inner Eye]
    #14179395 - 03/24/11 11:28 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Been on a big Tool kick lately my friend :smile:. See things are syncing up again :laugh:.

Tool's gotten me through so many hard times. Reflection kicks things into place even if only for the moment.



Thanks for dropping by and saying hi.

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OfflineThe Inner Eye
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Re: PTSD [Re: smaerd]
    #14179442 - 03/24/11 11:37 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

One of the best Tool songs ever.  Such a great feeling of oneness in that song.  Always happy to stop by and say whaaazzzzzuuuupppp!  :smile:


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