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Anonymous #1
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 Childhood memories 
#1398292 - 03/21/03 11:06 AM (21 years, 1 month ago) |
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Whenever I think back to my childhood, it's really depressing. I've spent most of my life since high school (I'm 21 now) trying to forget everything I can about it. I've done this so well that it's hard to recall more than a handful of any memories before the age of 14. Now, as a kid, I was never abused or molested or anything like that, but I was very "different" from most kids. I was very shy and anxious constantly, not very social ...you know, the kind of person who grows up to trip on shrooms to discover more meaning in life. 
So my childhood wasn't "bad" in any way, but I'm just very unhappy with how it turned out. I feel like I missed out on a lot of social oppurtunities and the fact that I have never, once in my life, fit in a social clique of any kind.
I've been afraid to ask anyone until now... is it normal to want to block out your earliest memories like this? Do most people do this? Or should I seek help for some deeply rooted psychological problems??
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 FreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
 
Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada
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 Re: Childhood memories [Re: ]
#1398325 - 03/21/03 11:19 AM (21 years, 1 month ago) |
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I feel like I missed out on a lot of social oppurtunities and the fact that I have never, once in my life, fit in a social clique of any kind."
i don't feel at all qualified to answer any of the questions you asked in the last part of your post, there are many more qualified than myself to do so. May i suggest you listen to "Quadrephenia" by the Who(1973) for what I feel/think to be the most well articulated musical view of what it's like to be that "eternal reject"....i should know, i am one. But i don't mean that in a negative way.........there's nothing wrong with "not fitting in" btw, a special thankyou for your honest response to my "what if eternity is a jest" thread in S & P .....take care
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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"
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Captain Jack
i [heart] you
Registered: 01/23/00
Posts: 4,113
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gotta live for the present.....
don't worry about the past. it's behind you, it's over, for better or worse
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Captain Jack has been hailed as a brilliant scholar, discredited as a brilliant fraud, and mistaken for a much taller man on several occasions.
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 MarkostheGnostic
Elder
Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
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 Re: Childhood memories [Re: ]
#1399699 - 03/22/03 03:51 AM (21 years, 30 days ago) |
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You're correct...people who were shy and anxious did look for more - beneath the social level of Reality - and discovered mushrooms (psychedelics). My junior and senior high existence was one of trying to fit into cliques. First there were only two - 'hoods' and 'frats,' characterized, like today's thugs and preppies, hoods by pointy-toed shoes, high roll collared shirts, and thigh-length black leather jackets. They were also characterized by stupidity and fighting. I tried to dress the part, leaving the penny-loafered, Levis, and Madras plaid shirted frats behind, who were jock-oriented. A bit later, the Mods appeared (early Carnaby-Street London psychedelic movement), which I also bought into more successfully. By high school, the Heads had appeared. Dope smokers for the most part. A few fringe trippers and junk-users. Through all of this, I had never even kissed a girl. Fortunately, going away to college allowed me to begin anew, and so I did.
I have now been to three high school reunions - my 10, 20, and 30 year reunions! In 2001 I confronted the main bully of my junior high (especially 7th grade) experience. He was shrivelled, and literally wrung his hands while apologizing. He was drunk, and I instructed his wife who was present to remind him of the encounter. Next, I professed the incredible love and desire for the goddess of my high school years. An astute psychology teacher in my 12th grade year put us together in the same group, so I got to know this beauty as a friend. But I was just a boy, and she was a voluptuous woman amidst girls - a Sophia Loren facsimile to me. Little did I know that her marriage was failing 10 years earlier, and that my own marriage would fail a year after our last meeting. Ten years ago she was still gorgeous, and this time I was with my Lady who bested her. Nevertheless, I spilled my heart to her, and she actually e mailed me later to see, I suppose, if I was still interested, because now, in the full stature of male adulthood - she was pursuing me!
The bottom line is that I am now finished with the karmic loose ends from childhood. I made peace with my antagonist, and revealed my love and admiration for the girl who befriended this love-sick boy, even to going out with me on a New Years Eve (but so frustrated by my shyness, I had her drop me off in a blizzard in the middle of the night, to walk home)! The idea my friend is not to escape your pain, but to embrace it as the wounded part of yourself - which it is. Embrace your life-experiences and proceed with healthy transformation. Get whole, then when you are strong - even if it takes decades - pursue forgiveness and love, not vengeance or mere avoidance. I would not be me without the painful experiences that I have suffered and overcome. Same thing for you.
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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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Cracka_X
Spiritual Dirt Worshipper
Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 8,808
Loc: Swamp
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Re: Childhood memories [Re: ]
#1403934 - 03/23/03 04:05 PM (21 years, 29 days ago) |
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I feel where you're comin from. I went through the same thing as you did except I rolled and discovered that I have to live my life more. Then shrooms came into my life and gave me more support on the idea of living it up. I was a quiet kid too when young and still am but not as much. I fell on my head when really young and thought that had something to do with my social problems, all while having a bad trip on 5 hits of cid. I'm good now, I'm 18 and regret not taking all those windows of opportunity in my life.
Live your life, you've only got one to live
Cracka_X
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The best way to live
is to be like water
For water benefits all things
and goes against none of them
It provides for all people
and even cleanses those places
a man is loath to go
In this way it is just like Tao ~Daodejing
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diggitydankman
No longer aCannabisConnoisseur
Registered: 12/10/02
Posts: 479
Loc: Michgan
Last seen: 21 years, 3 hours
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Re: Childhood memories [Re: ]
#1404942 - 03/24/03 04:19 AM (21 years, 28 days ago) |
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When I was very young my parents divorced, two years later my mom remarried, a wonderful guy who would be more a dad than my actually father and for this I owe him much but at the time he was the devil. I do not remember anything about my dad living with me and hardly remember much before fifth-sixth grade. He was a very quiet person and still is to this day. Unfortunately I inherited my dads addictive personality and anti-social behavior and found myself wandering through life lost and grasping to anything that would accept me. When I was a freshman I found drugs and this became my escape. I did not give up my goals like so many of my friends and spread the drugs to the rest of my brainy friends. I was a loner. I did not and do not like people, most are ingnorant or naive and this irritates me to the point of screaming at times. When I found drugs I became more mellow. I liked myself better, I fit in better. I had no group but the one that I smoked with. To this day I still do not. This is a major fault, but was not realized till college. I graduated high school as saluatorian, and was one of the largest potheads in my class. (4 of 5) Top students in my class all had rather abusive tendancies towards marijuana and it was quite funny when all of us would go burn one in the lots and come back to class high and all the rest of the students would just laugh. Marijuana will not dumb you. It will make you lythargic which has been my demise at college. I am seeking some general counseling to help with my emotional instabilities and anyone with no one to genuinely talk to without lying or not telling all needs a counselor. I feel better talkin and she helps me see some strange things I would never have expected.
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"It's only wrong if you get caught.
If consequences dictate
my course of action
I should play GOD."
Maynard James Keenan, Tool
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trev
comming out of retirement
Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 871
Loc: Aussie
Last seen: 12 years, 11 months
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You want a book ?
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Anonymous #14
[quote]There are billions of people on this planet. The world does not revolve around the united states, moron. I hope terrorists crash their collective cocks into your asshole. [/quote]
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RedNucleus
Causal Observer
Registered: 02/26/01
Posts: 4,103
Loc: The Seahorse Valley
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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Re: Childhood memories [Re: ]
#1686646 - 07/04/03 03:10 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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a good friend of mine was tormented by his classmates in school and remembers far less than the rest of us about it. I always thought this was an interesting effect of that kind of treatment.
I was a very quiet guy too. didnt fit in- all that crap.
You're just not meant to, who cares? Because people are popular does not mean they have things figured out. I know you know that.
You would fit in my clique just fine, you nut.
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 Namaste
Edited by RedNukleus (07/04/03 03:16 PM)
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Dreamer987
The VerbalHerman Munster
Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 5,326
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 16 years, 3 months
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 Re: Childhood memories [Re: ]
#1693063 - 07/07/03 12:38 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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I was pretty deppresed from 4th to 7th grade. I activley tried to block most of that period out, and it worked very effectivly. its now only been a few years and it seems like a past life. I'll probly regret it in the future
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neutralizer
Spiritual beinghaving a Humanexperience
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 635
Loc: This Planet Earth
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Childhood memories [Re: Dreamer987]
#1725060 - 07/17/03 03:04 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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I know I haven't posted much around here, but I'd like to say that I definately know what you're going through, including some avoidance, and the supressing memories. Personally I've found that to really overcome those memories I have to dig them up and remember them - and if I can't recall the memory totally, then at least I need to make myself feel the emotions and feelings I felt at the time. You know the whole "overcoming through confrontation" thing. It's worked for me.
MarkostheGnostic said it best.
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There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison
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Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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I have really fond memories of frienship in grade school.
Then everything crumbled beneath my feet in highschool. I felt like a total alien, I felt like nothing... an empty worthless thing that could only get better if I was accepted by someone else...
It took me a few years to get over a big inferiority complex that developed from highschool. I always looked at every single other person as having some 'thing' that I didn't have. Everyone else seemed to be living their life and I missing some quality that let me do that.
It's really weird to remember that feeling actually. Damn.
Anyways, now it seems pretty simple to me... You can either let go of the past and dictate where your life goes from now on, or you can remain lost in some doubtful illusory self-image.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Childhood memories [Re: Grav]
#1726607 - 07/17/03 11:33 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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It took me a few years to get over a big inferiority complex that developed from highschool. I always looked at every single other person as having some 'thing' that I didn't have. Everyone else seemed to be living their life and I missing some quality that let me do that.
Wow. That's how I felt in high school, but that's not what the 'wow' is for. I was thinking about my first (and only) shroom trip and this strange feeling I had while coming up. I kept getting this strange feeling about other people and the inferior feeling of missing something you described. I now realize that this was stuck in my subconscious since then and that it was resurfacing as my trip was coming on. I remember thinking about all the people that I considered better than me, how they seemed to have such wonderful lives but I was missing something that made me inferior to them. But this time the feeling was different. It was like the shrooms were showing me that these people were just like me, or that I was just like them, that we were all human. It's just that they were living life differently than I was, and that I shouldn't see one way of life as inferior or superior. After my trip that inferior feeling had completely disappeared, so it was like the shrooms healed that part of me and gave me closure. Thanks for making that post Grav, this had been bugging me since my trip and I didn't figure it out until now.
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Dreamer987
The VerbalHerman Munster
Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 5,326
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 16 years, 3 months
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Re: Childhood memories [Re: ]
#1726971 - 07/18/03 03:07 AM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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I know exactly what you mean. They kinda act as an equalizer don't they? You start to understand that everybody is just as good as everybody else. Were all in it together.
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Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: Childhood memories [Re: Dreamer987]
#1727779 - 07/18/03 01:55 PM (20 years, 8 months ago) |
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Glad I could help, max.
I had a similar experience the first time I did acid.
pm me if you ever wanna talk about that shiet.
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