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MunchiFever
Stranger

Registered: 11/26/10
Posts: 8
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know.
#13976767 - 02/16/11 11:23 PM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. And while that what goes on in my life plays a role in my depression, I get depressed for no reason at all.
I have always been a good kid (I still think I am on the inside, but idk anymore...) but in the last 12 months I have gotten into a good bit of trouble. I got on probation for something I won't say. I then was cought with marijuana. I swore to everyone I was going to be a good person now. Well I got caught smoking on campus and got suspended.
This... Eventhough wasn't a terrible thing I did, I felt like I let everyone down majorly. So I SWORE to my mom I was going to get my act together and be the son she remembers. ONE week later I get suspended for buying pills. I blamed doing them on my depression, which is somewhat true.
So here is where I need advice... On a few things.
My mom has always loved me unconditionally, and has thought the world of me.
And It seems the first 2, even 3 times I F*#ked up, of course she didn't like it, but she understood. And she defended me, saying I only did those things because I was curious and was still a great person. She said that to everyone.... And how I even managed to screw that up makes me want to cry. But recently I've become emotionless....
The last time I messed up (Yesterday). I feel I have now lost that connection with my "mommy" 
For the first time I told her I was depressed, I felt happy to get that off my chest. But then she said, not in these exact words, but this is what she meant, "You're lieing, your not super depressed".
Her not being able to understand shattered me...
Here is what I need help on.
1. She said that we are going to talk every night, and I'm going to tell her why I'm depressed. Other than a few small-slightly large issues that make me sad and depressed, I really don't know why! How can I explain this to her? I believe shethinkz that either A. I do have some problems I need to talk about. Or B. I'm just full of sh*t making excuses.
2. I have been contemplating suicide for a while now. I said the one thing that stops me is having my mom. Now I don't. So what's stopping me? And all the things I've done will keep me from graduating from a decent college and get the ideal job I want. (Phychology, ironic right?...)
Honestly, do NOT say things will get better anytime soon. (as a matter of fact it won't for another year 1/2 for sure.
But thanks for taking the time to read this.
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Big Worm
Perf



Registered: 04/20/09
Posts: 7,642
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: MunchiFever]
#13976819 - 02/16/11 11:34 PM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm kind of the same way man. I don't really remember the last time i thought to myself, "I am really happy right now," or even if I am, it doesn't last long. I feel like the last time I was happy and was actually living life was with my last girlfriend, but it's been a couple years now since then. It's been a rollercoaster. But what I can say is, don't kill yourself man. I mean, there must be people important to in your life that you wouldn't want to let go of, or have them go through the pain of losing you. I mean, i am a total stranger to you and I am sharing with you my story and giving you compassion and understanding. Even though I don't know you, I wouldn't even want you doing that. I am the type of person though where it is hard to talk about my problems. I just keep them hidden and hoping they will go away, but that's my style ha. I'm not in the best section of my life either, but there is something out there that will make you happy, it is just a matter of finding it. No reason to give up on life so early. It will always be a challenge, but you have to proof that you're strong enough to overcome problems, and it builds you into a better person so you can share your experiences with other people to help them grow as well.
We are all in this together.
Much Love
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Anthony917
why dont we do it in the road



Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 3,243
Loc: Earth
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: MunchiFever]
#13977324 - 02/17/11 01:52 AM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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Don't live your life to make the people around you happy. Live it to make yourself happy. I quit caring about whether or not I'd be fulfilling my parents dreams they had for me, and started caring about what I wanted.
Quote:
MunchiFever said: "I then was cought with marijuana. I swore to everyone I was going to be a good person now. Well I got caught smoking on campus and got suspended."
So you associate smoking weed with being a "bad" person. Buying pills...that makes you a "bad" person? Says who? I smoke weed all the time and if I based my decisions on whether or not they would make my mom & dad happy...well I'd probably be confused as depressed as you are.
It sounds to me like you've never talked to your mom about being depressed, which is probably why she dismissed the idea when you first brought it up. I will say that nobody just gets depressed for no reason. There IS a reason behind your depression, you just gotta figure out what it is so you can try and do something about it.
Suicide? Are your problems so bad that your existence is worse than death? I can't imagine they are.
Quote:
MunchiFever said: Honestly, do NOT say things will get better anytime soon. (as a matter of fact it won't for another year 1/2 for sure.
"things" are all in your head. Things will get better if you take steps to make them better.
Idk man, I don't know why you're having these problems, and really, you're the only one who can do anything about it. GL
-------------------- Prisoner#1 said: I got my ass kicked by a 9yo when I was 17 Trippin? Click Me
What is life? I'm tired of life...
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Mufungo
Coming at ya


Registered: 04/03/07
Posts: 2,743
Loc: Knowhere
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: MunchiFever]
#13977557 - 02/17/11 04:47 AM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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Don't do #1... it'll only increase the depression. Knowing "the reason" for depression has never fixed depression, it only makes one feel they are more knowledgeable about why they're fucked up. Asking "why am I depressed" also presupposes that you're depressed even when you might not be anymore, and the more you ask it the more you remind yourself of a set of feelings and thoughts that are exactly what you wanted to change/replace in the first place. Begin to ask yourself better questions and you'll begin to feel better.
If your mum is asking you to do this, ask her what she hopes to achieve by getting you to answer her questions. She probably has good intentions, even if you don't like them. So if she is getting you to do it because she's trying to help, then ask what her qualifications are and how many other people she's helped with depression. If the answer is none, then you've got to ask yourself, would you get brain surgery from an electrician? The answer should be "no", so don't get therapy from someone who isn't a therapist.
Now. Asking yourself better questions to make yourself feel better is quite easy. First, think of what you want, do you know yet? Let's say you want "X", where X is possibly happiness or a better relationship with mum or joy or laughter or a blowjob or whatever else might tickle your fancy. Then ask yourself, "How can I get X today/this week/this year?" and "How can I make X happen today/this week/this year?" and "What can I do today/this week/this year to make myself feel X or make X happen?" or some variation of that sort of question where you focus on what you want rather than what you didn't want.. and keep asking those sorts of questions all day every day. Third, lower your expectations for "the perfect" answer and allow the space for any and all answers to bubble up from your unconscious in whatever way they do. Forth, then don't just think it like a pussy, actually do what you think will get you what you want. Then if needed, repeat this process from one to four again and again on every single thing you want. Eventually you will change your old pattern of thinking automatically so that you'll begin to think more constructively and be happier without needing to be conscious of it.
Next, I assume you're an adult and hence why you're on this website, either way, flick the switch in your mind and be a man. I'll explain what I mean by "be a man". To me, a man doesn't need to rely on his mummy, but instead has to rely on himself even when shit gets really tough. A man can respect his mother even while disagreeing with her opinion. A child finally breaking away from the security of mum can be scary, emotional, sad, etc, but then again, what's the alternative. That doesn't mean we can't use support given by family, but there's a difference between that and expecting that their support is necessary to get on with life. Life isn't always easy, it can be fucking terrible at times, but the sooner you suck it up, face the music, and just do what you have to do to make a better life for yourself, the sooner you'll begin to really enjoy your life.
Finally, "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got. If you want something different, then do something different." Don't get sucked into thinking you are who you've always been and that can't change. That's just nonsense. You've been changing throughout your whole life. It's an illusion to think something can't change. So...
All the best in now figuring out a way to make yourself feel better. Peace.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: MunchiFever]
#13989279 - 02/19/11 10:02 AM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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Edited by Anonymous (03/07/20 02:53 PM)
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bigmike7104
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 1,395
Loc: USA
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#13990003 - 02/19/11 01:21 PM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Knowing "the reason" for depression has never fixed depression
that's not true at all. it doesn't automatically mean your going to get over it because you know the reason, but your much more likely to get over it over time.
maybe tell your mom you want to go to therapy which will show her your being serious. it's probably something in your subconscious that your depressed about so your not really aware why, and a good therapist will be able to bring it out and teach you steps to get over it. it takes time and effort though it's not just a short term thing.
also try some mindfulness meditation and see what thoughts and feelings come up during the session and it might reveal why, with the added benefit meditation has in treating depression.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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Irishdrunk
Democracy? We Deliver!!!

Registered: 09/12/03
Posts: 24,201
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: bigmike7104]
#13994184 - 02/20/11 04:21 AM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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Try different anti depressants, they work awesome for me, and valium......steady supply of valium from dr feelgood.
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Spooge
The Nutter
Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 5,189
Loc: Ice patches that last for...
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: Anthony917]
#14004328 - 02/21/11 10:12 PM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Don't live your life to make the people around you happy.
I disagree with this. I think it's quite noble to sacrifice one's own happiness to give others around them happiness.
Maybe it's a flawed ideal
...but the thoughts nice no? 
I try to think i'm doing a good deed on this planet by doing this.
as you can tell, i'm very uncertain it's the right thing...it hasn't gave me the greatest results
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dageo18
Stranger

Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 57
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: Irishdrunk]
#14004472 - 02/21/11 10:38 PM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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I truly understand man. Out of three brothers I have always been the one who got good grades, and just generally did things right. I have been pretty close to my mom.
Junior year of high school I got suspended for going to a dance drunk, then that summer I was having "im 18 now syndrome" over a girl and moved out of my house for a couple weeks.
Senior year of high school I got in trouble for a rap song on facebook which started with suspension then escalated to expulsion for the same song (dont let me start on how stupid the school district was). The same time my mom told me that when i was leaving the house in the previous summer my dad was diagnosed with ALS leaving him about a year to live, and I wasn't told.
The end of senior year I got bad grades, and then that summer I almost got kicked out for drinking in the house again and my parents started testing me for weed. This one time my mom went through my phone when i missed dinner after i told them i got lost, and she found out that i was actually smoking at a friends house. She was so upset she said almost balling as she went to her room "you are such an asshole" or something like that (cant even remember now).
But long story short, i felt like the biggest fuck up, a failure, a bad person, someone whose mom doesn't even think they are worth anything. It was crushing. I lost my mommy.
But think about this, none of this made me a bad person, none of your situation makes you a truly bad person. Your mom trying to help you through this is proof she loves you. Just accept that fact, and if you are still depressed just do not be afraid to talk to her about things, anything! Keep a positive outlook on life, I know it is far to easy to let things get out of perspective.
I've thought about suicide twice with some seriousness. Once as a cynical middle schooler realizing the world really didn't have much point to it (without any real depressions in my life besides homework lol), and once when anxiety was just building up to an extreme.
The first time I rationalized my way out of it, that although the world has no point, might as well live through it with all the other pointless beings. If they could do it so could I.
Second time I went home from college and tried to explain so many things at once while crying to my parents it didn't make any sense at all, and although i was scared to hell that they would think i was crazy they just sat with me and listened. Their advice and acceptance was tranquil, just because they were saying it.
You'll be okay man, time gives a perspective on things you cant imagine, you just have to let that time pass.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: Spooge]
#14016702 - 02/23/11 09:47 PM (12 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
ZoooftheMoon said:
Quote:
Don't live your life to make the people around you happy.
I disagree with this. I think it's quite noble to sacrifice one's own happiness to give others around them happiness.
Maybe it's a flawed ideal
...but the thoughts nice no? 
I try to think i'm doing a good deed on this planet by doing this.
as you can tell, i'm very uncertain it's the right thing...it hasn't gave me the greatest results
careful with this.... martyr syndrome.
this is how many people in my family behave. basically my family consists of narcicisstic parasites and those who enable and cater to them. without the martyrs, the narcicissts might (gasp) be forced to change. however their servile ways are so ingrained that this will not likely occur.
you'll be constantly used by others if you live this way. if you dig that sort of thing, ok, sure. go for it. but ive been used like that for most of my life, and i know the damage it can do to a person
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ShamenWarrior
The one within



Registered: 08/30/11
Posts: 165
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: MunchiFever]
#18390923 - 06/09/13 01:34 AM (10 years, 7 months ago) |
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I have no advice, but I know what your going through. I just don't understand my problems, my doctors cant cure them, and not even faith in God has helped me. I keep messing it all up somehow. Im starting to think I may be possessed by something evil. Thats the only thing I can think of right now. Go see an exorcist.
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usulpsychonaut


Registered: 05/12/08
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Loc: Northland, New Zealand.
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: MunchiFever]
#18391266 - 06/09/13 05:10 AM (10 years, 7 months ago) |
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Most people with depression would have no idea why. I don't know why, it makes no fucking sense at all, why I am depressed.
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boblablah
What? I don't even...


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 4
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: usulpsychonaut]
#18391384 - 06/09/13 07:00 AM (10 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hey man, its just part of being depressed. The best thing you can do or say, is honestly "I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just depressed." And don't feel too broken up about your mom not getting it - if you're not depressed, or if you haven't been very recently, it's pretty much impossible to understand.
When I was depressed, nobody really got it. They just kept on giving me advice for "getting out of that funk". They'd do shit like tell me to do yoga, or go for a jog, or whatever. And that I should wait it out, because it gets better. My mom didn't understand, and didn't get that I was "that" depressed, even when I did try to kill myself.
Your brain is just kinda fucked up right now. Lay off the pills, pot, whatever, start eating a balanced diet, and start exercising daily. It won't fix shit, but it can help take the edge off. It's hard to get motivated, but... things won't get better till you fix them.
-------------------- "I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversation with anybody." - Holden Caufield
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boblablah
What? I don't even...


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 4
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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Re: How will I explain why I'm depressed when I fully don't even know. [Re: boblablah]
#18391486 - 06/09/13 08:11 AM (10 years, 7 months ago) |
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Aaaand I just realized this post is two years old.
-------------------- "I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversation with anybody." - Holden Caufield
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