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OfflineHajnal
(ノ´ヮ´)ノ*:・゚✧


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/22/10
Posts: 2,071
Loc: New Eden
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Hakim0777]
    #14943027 - 08/18/11 02:56 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

my god that was fantastic xD


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Hajnal ['hɒjnɒl] - An elegant mixture of blood and circuitry; sorrow and love fill your systems, like the stars and black holes encompass the ∞.

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OfflineHakim0777
aka RACKBONE!!!
Male User Gallery


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Registered: 08/25/06
Posts: 8,071
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Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Hajnal] * 1
    #14943114 - 08/18/11 03:11 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

you read it in their voices huh? :datass:


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Offlineakira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Hakim0777]
    #14943524 - 08/18/11 04:43 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

yes. i know i did.

LOL

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OfflineThe Ecstatic
Chilldog Extraordinaire


Registered: 11/11/09
Posts: 33,752
Loc: 'Merica Flag
Last seen: 12 minutes, 48 seconds
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: akira_akuma]
    #14943557 - 08/18/11 04:53 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

carlos!

:lmafo:


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InvisibleLobsterSauceDiscord
 User Gallery

Registered: 11/09/08
Posts: 19,884
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: The Ecstatic]
    #14943669 - 08/18/11 05:27 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Spacious Studio Apartment
Posted at: 2011-02-10 14:39:39 | 386 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thans
From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey,

I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.

Regards,

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long can is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?

From Me to Ari ******:

March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.

Mike

Attachments:


From Ari ****** to Me:

Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.

From Me to Ari ******:

Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep?

From Me to Ari ******:

I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.

Showering? You don't need to shower - you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off.

Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10.

I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to shit in my sink and sleep in a goddamn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!

From Me to Ari ******:

You don't have to shit in the sink, it is just an option. You can also shit out the window, or shit in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like shit down there.

At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A FUCKING POOL.

Why am I arguing with you? This is fucking ridiculous. Conversation over.

From Me to Ari ******:

Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know.

From Ari ****** to Me:

Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool!

A few excellent ones there
http://dontevenreply.com/


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Offlinenumonkei
Back! From thedigestive tractof dave theiguana!

Registered: 04/12/06
Posts: 2,500
Loc: A Tree
Last seen: 7 years, 15 days
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Hakim0777]
    #14943812 - 08/18/11 06:00 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

josh1 said:
Quote:

The Ecstatic said:
Dont know where else to put this, so its going here.

Quote:

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.







Unless the monkey tells the other one why and so on and so forth.




No, I disagree, and I'm the numonkei!




~Monk(maybe about to be overthrown, but Monk, nonetheless)

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OfflineImaginingEmotions
SkyjumpingDude


Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1,489
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: numonkei]
    #14943920 - 08/18/11 06:29 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)



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Offlinehecticpicnic
Lurk you long time..


Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 806
Loc: The River Delta Flag
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14944001 - 08/18/11 06:48 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

:ilold:
I feel bad for laughing now cat probably broke a rib or something.

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InvisiblePeterPanda209
Who has BitCoins?
Male User Gallery


Registered: 06/29/11
Posts: 6,016
Loc: •FrEsH CoAsT Flag
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: LobsterSauce]
    #14944039 - 08/18/11 06:57 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Jimtown said:
A few excellent ones there
http://dontevenreply.com/





Five shrooms for that, read the first couple and can't breath lol

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Invisibleiliketripping
\m/ Lamb Of God \m/
Male


Registered: 07/23/11
Posts: 389
Loc: Tx Flag
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: hecticpicnic]
    #14944052 - 08/18/11 07:01 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Cats don't always land on their feet, but it did use one of its nine lives.

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InvisibleSimplepowa
In Pursuit of Knowledge


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 4,310
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: PeterPanda209]
    #14944114 - 08/18/11 07:16 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

http://dontevenreply.com/

I'M CRYING FROM LAUGHTER LOL

:lol:


--------------------
Carl Sagan - "Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people."

---

Robert Pirsig - "When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."

---

Brian Cox - "[One] problem with today’s world is that everyone believes they have the right to express their opinion AND have others listen to it. The correct statement of individual rights is that everyone has the right to an opinion, but crucially, that opinion can be roundly ignored and even made fun of, particularly if it is demonstrably nonsense."

Edited by Simplepowa (08/18/11 07:17 PM)

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OfflineFungal-one
Kneegrow
Male User Gallery


Registered: 07/14/10
Posts: 5,356
Loc: No fuckin tellin
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Simplepowa]
    #14944342 - 08/18/11 08:20 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)




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Never judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. But, by that time you're a mile away and you got his shoes, so fuck em.

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OfflineCosmicFool
Psychoholic
 User Gallery


Registered: 05/14/06
Posts: 9,581
Loc: 203 Flag
Last seen: 23 days, 17 hours
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Fungal-one] * 1
    #14944408 - 08/18/11 08:34 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

uhhh... they are making a sequel to Luigi's Mansion  :nerd:


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OfflineFungal-one
Kneegrow
Male User Gallery


Registered: 07/14/10
Posts: 5,356
Loc: No fuckin tellin
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: CosmicFool]
    #14944563 - 08/18/11 09:04 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

:ifyoucanawe:


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Never judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. But, by that time you're a mile away and you got his shoes, so fuck em.

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OfflineHajnal
(ノ´ヮ´)ノ*:・゚✧


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/22/10
Posts: 2,071
Loc: New Eden
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Fungal-one]
    #14944568 - 08/18/11 09:07 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Fungal-one said:
:ifyoucanawe:




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Hajnal ['hɒjnɒl] - An elegant mixture of blood and circuitry; sorrow and love fill your systems, like the stars and black holes encompass the ∞.

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InvisibleSalomon
ಠ︵ಠ balance ಠ_ಠ weaver ಠ‿ಠ
Male
Registered: 01/17/09
Posts: 25,128
Loc: America, FUCK YEAH Flag
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Hajnal]
    #14944632 - 08/18/11 09:25 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Hajnal said:
Quote:

Fungal-one said:
:ifyoucanawe:






:sheepfucker:


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EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BECOMES A DESERT


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Invisibleuber_aj
Goodbye Shroomery!
Male

Registered: 11/13/05
Posts: 4,486
Loc: Much love to you all
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: Salomon]
    #14944822 - 08/18/11 09:58 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Original ad:
New church in need of an LCD projector for our Sunday services. We do not have tax exempt status but the donation should be out of the goodness of your heart.

From me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there! Are you still looking for a projector?

Mike

From Maria ******** to Me:

Yes.

From Me to Maria ********:

Well Maria, get ready to completely change the way your churchgoers go to church! What I am offering is a Multimedia Home Theater Projector system by JVC. It projects a beautiful 1920 x 1080 high-definition picture that will show the big game as if it was projected by the eyes of the lord. You can project on a screen as big as 16 feet, which comes in handy for those old folks in the back of the church that are still trying to watch the game. Powered by a 200W UHP lamp, it will be like the image was projected by the blinding light of salvation. Comes with HDMI inputs so you can hook it right up to a hi-def box!

Personally, I think it is about goddamn time you guys started showing the game during mass. I can't tell you how many Eagles games I missed as a kid when my parents made me go to church.

Let me know if you are interested in this badass projector, or if you want to hear any more specs.

Mike

From Maria ******** to Me:

The projector is not for football. We need to project our morning worship service to our silent room for people with infants.

Are you donating this projector?

From Me to Maria ********:

No, this isn't exactly a donation. Who are you kidding, though? You guys don't even have tax exempt status. Why would anyone donate?

Don't worry. I have come up with a plan that will have this projector in your church in no time. I am asking for $2500 for the projector. This should be very easy to pay off if you use the collection money for mass this Sunday. I have to imagine you guys pull in at least that much each service. When people find out you will be showing the games, I bet you will draw in an even larger audience, and more donations. This projector will practically pay for itself almost immediately.

From all the money you will be raking in, I believe it can help turn your church into something awesome. I am also offering a 1000 watt surround sound system that you can install in the church. Every play will be heard in deafening sound as if it was told from the lord. Your churchgoers will feel like they are actually at the game!

If that isn't enough, you can use the new found collection money to replace all of your benches with leather recliners. The possibilities are endless. We can even install some kegs at the front of the church.

Thou shall not pass up on this HD projector and sound system!

Mike

From Maria ******** to Me:

Shame on you for expecting me to abuse the church collections. Mass is a time to celebrate the divine sacrifice, not football. The thought of abusing the collections for such a purpose is disgusting and downright offensive. We will not be needing a projector from you, thank you.

From Me to Maria ********:

I wouldn't consider it "abusing" the collections. I would consider it a small investment to boost donations in the long run. You will get a shitload more donations if people knew it was going for a good cause, like a HD projector and recliners for the games on Sunday. I would much rather donate for that instead of having my donation money used in an out-of-court settlement for a child molestation lawsuit.

From Maria ******** to Me:

How dare you! You've got some nerve. This conversation is over.




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OfflineBothHands
Dog Coffee
Female User Gallery


Registered: 10/28/09
Posts: 13,177
Loc: Flag
Last seen: 5 years, 24 days
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: PeterPanda209]
    #14944861 - 08/18/11 10:06 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

PeterPanda209 said:
Quote:

Jimtown said:
A few excellent ones there
http://dontevenreply.com/





Five shrooms for that, read the first couple and can't breath lol




Oh shit, they added new ones!  I forgot all about that site.  The pool one is old though, and has already been posted in the thread.  But I'm loving the new ones. :lol:

Duckface :awesome:




This is a repost, but well worth it:

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OfflineImaginingEmotions
SkyjumpingDude


Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1,489
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: BothHands]
    #14944891 - 08/18/11 10:15 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


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OfflineThe Ecstatic
Chilldog Extraordinaire


Registered: 11/11/09
Posts: 33,752
Loc: 'Merica Flag
Last seen: 12 minutes, 48 seconds
Re: Can we has a funnies thread? [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14944940 - 08/18/11 10:31 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)











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