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Fred's son

Registered: 10/19/00
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The wit and wisdom of P.J. O'Rourke
    #1332613 - 02/24/03 08:22 PM (18 years, 7 months ago)

Sometimes this forum gets so serious! Sometimes? Well... not more than 99% of the time, I guess.

Time for a break. Roll up your sleeves, spark a phattie, and chuckle along with my favorite political humorist of all time, P.J. O'Rourke, one of the Founding Fathers of National Lampoon Magazine (or at least one of its most prolific contributors in the first few years of its existence, back when it was still funny).

Here's P.J.

"You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have. Government contains impure ingredients - as anybody who's looked at Congress can tell you. On the basis of Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign promises, I think we can say government practices deceptive advertising. And the merest glance at the federal budget is enough to convict the government of perjury, extortion, and fraud. There, ladies and gentlemen, you have the Cato Institute's program in a nutshell: government should be against the law. Term limits aren't enough. We need jail."

"The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? Or maybe the people in Texas were attacked because of child abuse. But, if child abuse was the issue, why didn't Janet Reno tear-gas Woody Allen?"

"The great religions (and conservatives are known for approving of God) teach salvation as an individual matter. There are no group discounts in the Ten Commandments, Christ was not a committee, and Allah does not welcome believers into Paradise saying, "You weren't much good yourself, but you were standing near some good people." That we are individuals - unique, disparate and willful - is something we understand instinctively from an early age. No child ever wrote to Santa: 'Bring me -- and a bunch of kids I've never met -- a pony, and we'll share.' "

"There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he'll do good with his own money -- if a gun is held to his head."

"Collectivism doesn't work because it's based on a faulty economic premise. There is no such thing as a person's 'fair share' of wealth. The gross national product is not a pizza that must be carefully divided because if I get too many slices, you have to eat the box. The economy is expandable and, in any practical sense, limitless."

"There's only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."

"The whole idea of government is this: if enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it."

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators." ***one of my personal favorites***

"The wildest hippie and the sternest member of the Politburo share the same daydream, the daydream that underlies all Marxism : That a thing might somehow be worth other than what people will give for it."

"Maybe Kuwait really was a threat to Iraq. I talked to a Kuwaiti Air Force colonel who thought it had been. He explained that Kuwait was using all its oil money to buy things for its citizens while Iraq was using all its oil money for military hardware. Iraq either had to bring its citizens up to the Kuwaiti level or bring Kuwaiti citizens down to the Iraqi level. Kuwait caused the Gulf War by shopping too much. This leaves us with little hope for world peace as long as wives are allowed to hold credit cards in their own names."

"Russia is not a threat anymore. Now it's just a disjointed group of individual states with too many K's and Z's in their names . . . a big conglomeration of Scrabble possibilities."

"Government subsidies can be critically anaylzed according to a simple principle : You are smarter than the government, so when the government pays you to do something you wouldnt do on your own, it is almost always paying you to do something stupid. Government usually doesnt work. It doesnt work because its political. People who are wise, smart, skillful, or hardworking dont need politics, they have jobs."

"In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that when the official U.S. measure of poverty was developed in 1963, a poor American family had an income twenty-nine times greater than the average per capita income in the rest of the world. An individual American could make more money than 93 percent of the other people on the planet and still be considered poor."

"For the people in government, rather than the people who pester it, Washington is an early-rising, hard-working city. It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money."

"We won't dispassionately investigate or rationally debate which drugs do what damage and whether or how much of that damage is the result of criminalization. We'd rather work ourselves into a screaming fit of puritanism and then go home and take a pill."

"All tax revenue is the result of holding a gun to somebody's head. Not paying taxes is against the law. If you don't pay your taxes you'll be fined. If you don't pay the fine, you'll be jailed. If you try to escape from jail, you'll be shot. Thus, I - in my role as citizen and voter - am going to shoot you - in your role as taxpayer - if you dont pay your share of the national tab. Therefore, every time the government spends money on anything, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I kill my kindly, gray-haired mother for this?' "

"You must know that politicians loathe you. They have to make rules and regulations or you'd screw up everything. You'd fall right out of the car if it weren't for seat belts. And you can't be trusted with money. You'd spend it on fatty foods and cigarettes or a powerboat that would harm the environment. The politicians need to get that money away from you. They have to raise taxes quick. Better let the government look after your cash. Government will do worthwhile things with your paycheck such as lend it to Mexico. And fund educational TV. Because you'd watch nothing but football and Melrose Place if it weren't for serious and informative nature programs about how Democrats are facing extinction."

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."



Edited by pinksharkmark (02/24/03 09:00 PM)

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Two inch dick..but it spins!?
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Registered: 11/29/01
Posts: 34,245
Loc: Lost In Space
Re: The wit and wisdom of P.J. O'Rourke [Re: Phred]
    #1332879 - 02/24/03 11:34 PM (18 years, 7 months ago)


You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for that my dear friend is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. ~ Adrian Rogers

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old hand

Registered: 09/11/01
Posts: 1,351
Loc: BC Canada
Re: The wit and wisdom of P.J. O'Rourke [Re: Phred]
    #1332894 - 02/24/03 11:51 PM (18 years, 7 months ago)

That's so funny I forgot to laugh

  -I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me


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Fred's son

Registered: 10/19/00
Posts: 12,949
Loc: Dominican Republic
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
Re: The wit and wisdom of P.J. O'Rourke [Re: carbonhoots]
    #1333561 - 02/25/03 07:48 AM (18 years, 7 months ago)

What, socialists have no sense of humor? That's a surprise.

Good thing I was too tired to type in his mini-essay on Liberals, then. Some other time.



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DSYSB since '01
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Registered: 01/26/01
Posts: 16,259
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Re: The wit and wisdom of P.J. O'Rourke [Re: Phred]
    #1333867 - 02/25/03 09:35 AM (18 years, 7 months ago)

Good Read...Sometimes alot of us forget to step back and learn to laugh at the utter insanity of politics. Thanks.

"Life has never been weird enough for my liking"

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Carpal Tunnel
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Registered: 04/11/99
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Re: The wit and wisdom of P.J. O'Rourke [Re: Phred]
    #1336614 - 02/26/03 05:07 AM (18 years, 7 months ago)

PJ O'Rourke is cool, I've got a couple of his books. Don't generally agree with him, but I always enjoy him.

"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson

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In the green

Registered: 04/01/02
Posts: 7,681
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Re: The wit and wisdom of P.J. O'Rourke [Re: Phred]
    #1338438 - 02/26/03 06:16 PM (18 years, 7 months ago)

Thanks pinky, thanks P.J.

Life is hard, you don't get a pidgeon all the time.

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