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Offlinecelestialtripper
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Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 272
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
at the end of my rope
    #1320359 - 02/19/03 07:18 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

i dont know if this is venting, self-pity, a cry for help, ect. but here goes?

well, it all started when i met this girl online on a forum similar to the shroomery who lived near me. we had been chatting online for awhile and then one day she asked me what i was up to that particular weekend, just like any other weekend, i had nothing to do. she suggested i come down to a near by ski resort with her and go snowboarding as she was an instructor there. i had never met anyone i had met online before, but figured it would be alright as we were meeting in a public place, with tones of people around, so i headed down there. i ended up having a great time and we made plans to do the same again the next weekend and that sometime we should definitely goto a show (concert) sometime together as well. so, 1 visit turned into 2, 2 turned into 3 and so on...after the first 3 or so rendezvous i had gotten to know her a lot more and really began to like her a lot more too.

back in the day during my first couple of years of high school i was, well a slut...if you spread your legs i was down for the cause. after a period of this i was left feeling hallow, worthless, ect. it just wasnt doing me any good. so, i said fuck this, no more, im just going to stop fucking around with people and myself and just wait to meet someone i actually have feelings for, instead of someone whos just willing to lay on their back. since then i had never found anyone who i had feelings for until now. with that said i can honestly say i have never been in love with anyone before.

i talked to a really close friend about what i was feeling and he said to just wait things out, keep visiting her and if the feeling only gets stronger, well, then i'd know what to do. its been awhile since that chat and i can say these feelings for her have only gotten stronger.

onto the problem...

this girl and i have formed a fairly tight friendship and i have no idea if she feels the same way about me as i feel for her. just like most of you out there, i can tell when someones flirting with me, but everytime i meet up with her its always different. one day it seems like shes just friendly, but on the next visit she makes me feel like im the only person in the world with her and that she does feel the same way about me, its confusing as hell...i want to tell her how i feel but i dont want to fuck up a great friendship. im afraid that if i open up my heart and soul to her that she will just be freaked out and ill just mess up what we have going on now. or, if i do tell her and she doesnt feel the same way about me that, well that would be pretty shitty.

this turmoil has been running through me for about the past week and a half or so now...its really just bumming me out. ive pretty much shut off all of my friends. i dont talk to them at school now, i dont go and chill with them after school, if they phone, i just make up some lame excuse to get off the phone with them. ive got some really bad insomnia, i get anywhere from 30mins-1hr of sleep a night. i just lie in bed and just think about what i should do about this whole situation. school is horrible for me now, if i even go. before all of this i was a B student, this semester (3rd week of the new semester) i have been to 3 of my classes around 3-4 times and 1 class i still havnt even showed up to yet. after school i just go and isolate myself from the world in my room. i just sit in there and think this whole bullshit over and where im going in life, which seems to be absolutely no where right now. ive become fairly depressed, im not suicidal but it wouldnt bother me if my eyes dont open tomorrow morning, atleast that way i could stop worrying about things. ive also began to drink like a sailor. before i wouldnt even touch alcohol, couldnt stand the taste of any of it. now i just sit in my room most nights and slam back a couple 40's. i know its not good, and that im not getting anywhere by doing it, yet i continue on my path of self-destruction.

i keep wondering how 1 person and 1 emotion can have this much control over me? i used to believe i was stronger than this, i used to believe i had control, seems im filled with 'used to' these days. i want this to stop, i really do. ive had my fair share of depression before and its not something i like. ive tried to forget about things, but it seems whenever i just close my eyes and try to clear my mind it just doesnt let go.

thankfully (well i think thankfully) this girl has gone on vacation for a couple of weeks, so i havnt seen/talked to her in a little bit. i dont know if thats a good thing, or a bad thing though. its given me some time to really think about things and what i should do. whenever she gets back were supposed to do some more snowboarding and goto a show at the end of march.

onto my grand plan...

i have come to the conclusion that i should just tell her how i feel. again, i feel really afraid of the outcome of this, but atleast i could get it off my chest. also i dont really know how i should go about it. i really dont want tell her out in some public place (ski resort/concert) but its fairly hard to have some alone time when the only time you get to see someone is out at a public place, away from somewhere where you can go to be alone. so then i thought maybe i should just make her a cd for her b-day in march, as i listen to music 24/7 and a lot of songs seem to remind me of her. then in the cd case just leave a note for her to read. but, fuck, a note? that shits old school! i dont want to tell her how i feel about her in a note, i used to do that shit when i was in grade 7. so, when it all comes down to it, im still just a lost little kid...
anyways, thats it, im done. thank you for reading my bullshit, im going back to my dark, little room now to dwell in my stupid fucking self-indulgence.
peace,
.cel.



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InvisibleCaptain Jack
i [heart] you

Registered: 01/24/00
Posts: 4,113
Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1320416 - 02/19/03 07:40 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

- make plans with her that don't involve public places. get her to come over and watch a movie.

- go to class. she ain't gonna like you as much if you fail out.


--------------------
-
Captain Jack has been hailed as a brilliant scholar, discredited as a brilliant fraud, and mistaken for a much taller man on several occasions.


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InvisibleSmack31
Stranger

Registered: 06/17/02
Posts: 10,680
Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1320429 - 02/19/03 07:45 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

i don't know what you should do really, but if she does like you... i'm sure she would love the cd idea. maybe take her to some place a little more personal next time you two meet up, or at least make some suggestions when you talk to her and feel out her reactions.

at any rate... good luck to you and to her. that was a nice story. no matter how it turns out, it will still be a beautiful memory.  :smile: 


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Anonymous #1

Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1320448 - 02/19/03 07:56 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -


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InvisibleZero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1320473 - 02/19/03 08:09 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

i think its also important to remember that you might not even be looking for her at all. maybe you want to feel more peace with yourself and your own life, and that this one girl this one incident is just masking something much greater. i thought i wanted a girl for soooo long and i did and two years and it ended pitifully, but i have learned a lot about myself and come to a lot of harsh realizations. i met her over the internet and thats where we spent most of our time. it may not be the same situation, but i will tell you from experience, dont turn yourself inside out over it. let what is be, and just see how it goes from there. and one thing... dont bail on your friends, if they are good friends they can help you and maybe if your wanting to feel better, they just might help with that one too. take it one step at a time. my brother said to me, dont date your friends and this is a vital lesson, seeing who are just your friends and if you are in love. you have to know who you are first, and be aware and content within your own life before you can merge two lives... take this with ease and not completely solid, i know it doesnt help to try and tell someone one thing when they can think another.. just take it one step at a time, and start with the basics :wink: 


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What?


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Invisible40oz
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Registered: 01/19/01
Posts: 30,035
Loc: Sandy Eggo. Ca.
Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1320615 - 02/19/03 10:17 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

she's a ski instructor; the only times you meet up
are on the slopes?
no disrespect but, are you getting lessons by her?



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OfflineJackal
Well Versed In Etiquette
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Registered: 10/16/02
Posts: 4,571
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1320691 - 02/19/03 11:28 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Three words:  Leap Of Faith
Whats worse, torturing yourself wondering how she feels or finding out once and for all. If you tell her, kiss her, whatever and its apparent that she doesn't feel the same way - then just make a joke of it - play it down and have a giggle about it, don't let it spoil what you already have!

I took a leap of faith 6 years ago and it's still paying off! :laugh:

Mr_mushrooms: I didn't know wizards danced?


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Offlinecelestialtripper
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Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 272
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1321016 - 02/20/03 05:32 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

wow, replies, i wasnt expecting that...thanks for all the suggestions/support  :wink:
first off, no im not getting snowboarding lessons from her...lol...a friend of mine suggested i should do that when i first met her but i didnt...ive been snowboarding for 6 years now so its all good on the hills.
right now the leap of faith is sounding like a plan...i dont really know where to take her to just come out and say it though. where the resort is located there isnt really anything more personal around, perhaps the walk idea would be best here.
i think this weekend im just going to chill at home, alone again. im really going to think about what Zero7a1said...i dont want to tell her how i feel, have her feel the same way and then a little ways down the line just screw things up because i was just looking for something/someone to fill a void for a little while.
anyways, once again, thanks the for quick replies!
peace,
.cel.


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Anonymous #1

Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1321253 - 02/20/03 07:29 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

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Offlinevalour
Swordbearer

Registered: 03/02/02
Posts: 1,453
Loc: USA
Last seen: 10 years, 11 months
Re: at the end of my rope [Re: celestialtripper]
    #1322116 - 02/20/03 12:50 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Best of luck ~
don't worry, even in the worst of cases, life will go on.


--------------------
"Remember, son,
I didn't sell out-
I bought in."


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