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Anonymous #1

I feel empty
    #13119605 - 08/29/10 03:33 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I'm pretty sure I went through a badly abusive friendship throughout most of high school and now I'm starting to get scared that it might have ruined me for life.

In the middle of my freshman year I switched to a school where I only knew one person- let's call him E. Right from the start, most other kids rejected me because of the other school I'd come from so I had no choice but to let myself get closer and closer to E. Everyone else I knew I let drift away, partly cause I just wanted to fit in at this new place. I guess over time E grew to relish the power that came with that.

As the years passed, E became a controlling dick. And despite the fact that I'd met a few other people on my own (mostly girls), I always considered them his friends first so I never tried to turn to them. If I hung out with my one other real friend, he'd blow up my phone with angry messages. Yet when I hung out with HIS other friends I was treated like an outsider. Or better yet, like some stray puppy that he'd dragged along with him. I was constantly put down, but sat and took it because I was made to believe that without E and his circle of friends, I was nothing. I was laughed at for my appearance, I was laughed at for my mannerisms, I was laughed at for my interests, and so on and so forth. I had no self value. Any time I tried to work on developing a talent for myself I was mocked mercilessly for not immediately being a pro at it, so I gave up on almost everything I tried before I could ever start to develop.

Finally, when he jumped in between a relationship I was working on with a girl because he didn't like me talking to her, that was the last straw. I wanted out. I finally realized that every morning I was waking up depressed and dreading the things that most people look forward to (going out, seeing friends, partying, etc.).

I was 17 years old when HE finally decided to cut me off because I'd spent a weekend hanging out with the only childhood friend I hadn't somehow managed to alienate. Excuse me for wanting to go a weekend without being laughed at and insulted. I walked into a class we had together and was told that until I apologized to him my social life was as good as dead. Those were the last words he ever said to me.

Unfortunately, E was convincing enough to make me believe him. I became a loner wreck after that. That summer I did nothing but sit in my room watching TV and posting religiously on some MySpace group I was a part of. At the time I felt relieved to have just gotten out of that trainwreck of a friendship, but I let all the people I had met over the years go for good. Because of all the shit I'd heard over time I just assumed that all of them were going to "side" with him in this matter. I was just the tag-along loser, except now I had no one to tag-along to, so my reaction was to distance myself completely from the world. That very nearly mutilated my own social skills to the point of disrepair.

As time passed it started to feel like while I was cooped up in my bedroom, everyone else was out having the time of their lives and had forgotten about me. I feel like I stopped developing at 17 because of this. I became too scared to let anyone else into my life. Every time I tried to make new friends paranoia led me to believe they secretly found me obnoxious and were only using me to further fuck with my emotions for the sake of a few laughs.

I stopped getting phone calls, texts, IMs, or invitations from anyone for anything. Nobody wanted to be around me. I was spiraling out of control and college was coming up soon. I put on a lot of weight, stopped caring about my appearance, started walking with a hunched over posture and would just go about my days without ever so much as a smile.

Over time it got better as I slowly met new people, but I could never get too close to anyone because I was still reluctant to ever pick up the phone and ask someone if they wanted to hang out. I was involuntarily protecting myself from going through the same thing twice. And I felt like nobody really wanted me around. This is the part that scares me. When am I going to stop feeling like a burden on everyone else?

A year and a half ago an acquaintance of mine decided to run a social experiment through my Facebook. He gathered a few people together and they all left R.I.P. comments on my wall and created a group to announce my disappearance. I let it carry on because I saw it as the one chance I'd ever get to force somebody to care about me.

How do I get over this? I know I'm not worthless, and I've gotten a lot better. I have good friends again back home, but now I transferred upstate to finish up college and I'm suddenly feeling the loneliness again. Perhaps it's just the move overwhelming me, but I'm starting to get the idea that, for the most part, I'm just everyone's friend-in-convenience. Sure, they'll talk to me when it's not too far out of their way and they want a laugh, but they'll never invite me to do anything or listen to me when I need to get something serious off my chest. Everyone (which is like 3 people) I know up here- with one exception- tells me they want to see me but then disappears when the time comes.

I go through way too many periods where I feel like I don't matter, which just leaves me wondering what the hell it is that's so wrong with me. I've gone through every emotion possible to try and "fix" myself...anger, regret, fear, sadness, seething hatred, you get the picture. Nothing works. The only thing that could help me is having somebody close to me to whom I could finally open up to.

Sometimes when it gets really bad I start having these frightening ultra-lucid revenge dreams. In them I'm always holding a loaded a gun to E's temple and forcing him to explain why he treated me the way he did. I'm freakishly giddy, laughing and smiling like a child on Christmas morning as I get to see him cry and beg for mercy while I bask in the pleasure of seeing the tables finally being turned. And while I know for certain I'd never act out on these, the fact that I can't move on worries me.

I'm worried. Worried about myself, worried about my life, worried about how much more of this my future holds in store(if I even have one). I really thought I was finally coming around over the summer but now I'm back down in the bottomless pit that is my own past. But more than anything I want to turn this cycle around before it gets too dark again. How can I? The only solution I've ever thought of is to finish school and move somewhere so far away that I've got no choice but to fall off the face of everyone else's Earth.

I don't want meds, I don't want a doctor, I don't even want a fucking support group. Deep down I do know that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm just scarred, and all I need is a little love and a reason to believe that things will someday get better.

P.S. If you made it this far I sincerely thank you.


Edited by Anonymous (08/29/10 03:36 PM)


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Offlineseylm
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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13119676 - 08/29/10 03:51 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

If you expect that people won't like you, you'll act accordingly and they probably won't. Expect people to like you and they probably will. The more you worry that something is wrong with you, the more something will be wrong with you. Stop trying to fix yourself and start acting the way you want to be. There is nothing wrong with you, you just think there is. You say you've gotten a lot better. Try to figure out what you do to improve and what makes you feel worse. Keep doing the things that make you improve. Stop worrying, it never does any good.

EDIT One thing that helped me was forgetting the past and the future and realizing that there is only now.


--------------------
Easiest and Stealthiest Way to Grow Psilocybin
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"you may be wearing an Armani suit, but it's just pyjamas" - Mooji


Edited by seylm (08/29/10 03:53 PM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: I feel empty [Re: seylm]
    #13119777 - 08/29/10 04:08 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

The people in my life actually have no idea that I'm carrying any sort of baggage. I'm very, very good at putting on a front. I've been told I'm charming and hilarious enough times to believe it to an extent (I say to an extent because that side of me only comes out when I want it to). The few people I've ever opened up to all say the same thing: "how the hell could somebody not like you?" I don't know...

Over the last few years I've dedicated myself to being what I want everyone else to be. I always listen to people on the few occasions that they come to me for help and try to give them the best advice I can. I'll put entire days' worth of effort into helping somebody else out through a hard time. In general I'd like to think I'm a good person. I'd like to think. Yet I still go through periods like this where I feel totally unwanted, even if that's not in the least bit true.

I honestly don't think I have a problem meeting people or making friends, I just have a built-in mental block that keeps me from progressing most of my relationships. And it just eats at me on the inside.


Edited by Anonymous (08/29/10 04:16 PM)


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OfflineMind Transcribing
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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13119834 - 08/29/10 04:22 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

You've really summed up how I've felt this past summer. I'm a little busy right now, but if you wanna talk to somebody who can relate, just send me a pm. I would really like the chance to share stories with you. :peace:


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Offlineseylm
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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13119960 - 08/29/10 04:52 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

You sound like a good person. The abusive relationship probably created a negative thought pattern in your brain. The mental block that eats at you. It's not built in, you didn't have it before the relationship did you? Whenever you feel unwanted you are reverting back to that negative thought pattern. Just remind yourself that you are a good person. You have to get out of the negative thought pattern by ignoring those thoughts and thinking positively (or at least neutrally) instead. Am I helping or should I just STFU?


--------------------
Easiest and Stealthiest Way to Grow Psilocybin
:awebig: :awetrippie: :raveface: :awecid: :etbig:
"you may be wearing an Armani suit, but it's just pyjamas" - Mooji


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Anonymous #1

Re: I feel empty [Re: seylm]
    #13120035 - 08/29/10 05:12 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

No, you are helping. A lot, actually. I've always been shy, so even before this I wasn't exactly swimming in friends, but that just had a lot more to do with the fact that it sometimes takes me a little while to get comfortable enough around people to show them the best sides of me. It's part of the reason why I stuck around so long in that venomous circle.

But yes, before all this started I never really had any self-esteem issues beyond the standard early-teens image issues, none of which were even that bad.


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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13120236 - 08/29/10 05:57 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I've always been shy too. When I'm around people I don't know I hardly talk, just listen. I'm trying to change that though.

Since you didn't have this problem before, you must have created it (with a lot of help from your abusive "friend"). Don't try to destroy it though. Fighting it will ensure that it keeps existing since you can't fight something that isn't there. Just ignore it and create better ways of thinking to replace the negative ways. Eventually you will forget about the problem and it will cease to exist.

I've got a venomous cycle of my own that I'm getting out of. Almost all the stuff I've been telling you is based on a self-therapy thing I'm reading.


--------------------
Easiest and Stealthiest Way to Grow Psilocybin
:awebig: :awetrippie: :raveface: :awecid: :etbig:
"you may be wearing an Armani suit, but it's just pyjamas" - Mooji


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Anonymous #1

Re: I feel empty [Re: seylm]
    #13120363 - 08/29/10 06:21 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Yeah, I think it's better to just stop revisiting my past. I'm such a different person than I was back then that it's not even worth trying to tie into who I am today, anyways.

I was doing really well right before moving, so I'm also thinking that some of this resurfacing might have to do with feeling overwhelmed and pretty alone in a new town. A bedroom can get pretty overbearing when you've got no reason to leave it, after all. I guess above all I'm just scared of going back to that period where I had nobody.

I think I'm gonna start scoping out some places of interest- like, say, NORML- either tomorrow or later this week just so I can have something to do with my time.

I'm really hoping it's just this, because at least this I know will pass over time. I've already met some cool people, I just haven't gotten to the point where we'll be hanging out soon.

Thanks again for everything.


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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13120542 - 08/29/10 06:57 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Yeah get out, do stuff, talk to people. You'll be fine.:smile:


--------------------
Easiest and Stealthiest Way to Grow Psilocybin
:awebig: :awetrippie: :raveface: :awecid: :etbig:
"you may be wearing an Armani suit, but it's just pyjamas" - Mooji


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Anonymous #2

Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13122751 - 08/30/10 07:50 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

erg. Man i can relate. Moving schools especially near the end is a BAD idea!... (well at least for us introverted sensitive types :tongue:)

But yeh you sound like a very nice person, which in my own mind is the best kind of person :thumbup:

goodvibes 2 ya and don't stress you will be fine, thought patterns are not permanent, you are always free.:peace:


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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #13123292 - 08/30/10 11:00 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

First and foremost you have to genuinely start accepting yourself just as you are. If you cannot do that, if you cannot love yourself, you wont be able to fully heal. You have to put effort in everyday situations to accept everything you do.

I can relate to some of the things you have said, and I have been able to overcome many of these problems, but it takes time and patience, a lot of it. There will be times when you think you are hopeless, however these are the times when you must have faith in yourself in that you can and will heal.

When I say you have to love and accept yourself I mean you have to STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF in your head all the time and let yourself be who you are. The best person you can be is you and no one else. Every time you realize that you are thinking bad thoughts stop it immediately and comfort yourself in the fact that the past is the past, it is over, the present moment is what matters. Do not dwell in the past nor obsess the future it will only hurt you. No one knows what will happen next, so stop hurting yourself by over thinking things.

I strongly advise meditation, it disciplines the mind and you start to learn what initiates your bad thought loops. You have to realize that you are feeling bad because of your thoughts, whether you are aware of them or not. In time, and after much practice you can start to detect these loops before they take a hold of you and stop them. They only have as much power over you as you grant them. Meditation brings great peace and stability to your mind but it requires daily practice, check out some videos on youtube and do some reading. I suggest you watch this series as a start.



Buddhist teachings can help anyone, you do not have to be Buddhist, heck I'm not!

If I remember correctly, this is the video that got me started.


I also advice to eat healthy and exercise daily, your body will feel great and your mind will be in a better state for you to start healing.

I wish you all the best and good luck.


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OfflineGreat Scott
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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13125182 - 08/30/10 05:48 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I know E. He is a douche bag. I wouldn't worry about what he thinks of you.
Time to move on.


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Re: I feel empty [Re: Great Scott]
    #13126589 - 08/30/10 09:54 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

What about that od friend you had before you met E, can you be friends with that person?


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Re: I feel empty [Re: lines]
    #13126611 - 08/30/10 10:02 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I can't not be friends with Od



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Re: I feel empty [Re: Great Scott]
    #13127039 - 08/30/10 11:58 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I don't understand the idea of having 1 random dude control you and destroy your sense of self


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Re: I feel empty [Re: wellage]
    #13127271 - 08/31/10 01:14 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I guess all I can say is that I thought that I was damaged from a shitty upbringing and bad friendships, years of self-denial and a little bit of bullying... but I just had to snap out of it. I think our psyches are very resiliant. Childhood is one to watch out for though.


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Re: I feel empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #13127853 - 08/31/10 07:35 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Look man you gotta learn not to take shit from people....if you don't like someone cut them off its as easy as that. I would rather have no friends than be around people that are abusive, controlling, and overall just bad people. I don't give a fuck who you are if I don't like you then I don't like you and thats that. I don't take shit from no one and for the most part I don't give any to anyone either because I'm always thinking in my mind how would I like to be treated if it was the other way around. If your giving respect then you should be getting some back and if your not something is wrong.


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