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Anonymous #1
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Nothing to Lose
#12846643 - 07/03/10 10:46 PM (13 years, 6 months ago) |
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I have lost all my friends. All my money. I have scared away everybody that tried to love me. My family hates me. I have nobody to talk to, those that used to listen to what I needed to say are tired of me hurting them.
I am an alcoholic. I was a drug addict. I am a chain smoker. I am slowly losing my morals. I did not drink today, and it's an incredibly difficult thing to do. I hate myself and cannot look myself in the mirror. I have contemplated suicide nearly everyday for almost all of 2010. I have some courage, but not enough to actually go through with suicide. I have just enough courage to go one more hour. And then, I will be forced to summon the courage to make it another hour.
I will get sober, or else I will die alone and the only memories of me will be memories of anger and disappointment. I have to. I do. I'm leaving Tuesday, for some real help, it's my last chance.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess I'm lonely. I tried, today, to call up some people who used to call me friends. All I wanted was a few minutes to tell them I was sorry. But they didn't want to hear it, I guess.
To all those who think their drinking or drug use is getting out of control, seriously consider talking to a friend about it while you still have them. I went from having plenty of friends, a girl that cared about me, a family that I wanted to help keep together, to having nothing but one last chance at sobriety in just under a year. Granted, I should have seen it coming, maybe I did and I just denied it. Loneliness and the understanding that you are the problem, you're the reason people don't want to be around you anymore is the very worst part.
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Sally D
Dap King


Registered: 08/03/09
Posts: 237
Loc: Maryland
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
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Where are you going for help man? And you know all of us here will always listen and help you out dude.
-------------------- My 1st Grow! (Mexicana A & GT/B+) My posts are all a illusion and if you see anything there then you should must be hallucinating.
You are the man! Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Nothing to Lose [Re: Sally D]
#12846702 - 07/03/10 11:03 PM (13 years, 6 months ago) |
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30 Days to detox. In facility.
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Scantraxx
Wait........ what?


Registered: 04/15/08
Posts: 688
Last seen: 10 years, 3 days
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Good luck mate!
--------------------
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Nothing to Lose [Re: Scantraxx]
#12847080 - 07/04/10 01:47 AM (13 years, 6 months ago) |
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I completely empathize. Hope you get better, bro.
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marmarlun
!


Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 346
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
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It's awesome that you decided to do something about it. Hopefully those 30 days will do something good for you. Stick with it man
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I have lost all my friends. All my money. I have scared away everybody that tried to love me. My family hates me. I have nobody to talk to, those that used to listen to what I needed to say are tired of me hurting them.
I am an alcoholic. I was a drug addict. I am a chain smoker. I am slowly losing my morals. I did not drink today, and it's an incredibly difficult thing to do. I hate myself and cannot look myself in the mirror. I have contemplated suicide nearly everyday for almost all of 2010. I have some courage, but not enough to actually go through with suicide. I have just enough courage to go one more hour. And then, I will be forced to summon the courage to make it another hour.
I will get sober, or else I will die alone and the only memories of me will be memories of anger and disappointment. I have to. I do. I'm leaving Tuesday, for some real help, it's my last chance.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess I'm lonely. I tried, today, to call up some people who used to call me friends. All I wanted was a few minutes to tell them I was sorry. But they didn't want to hear it, I guess.
To all those who think their drinking or drug use is getting out of control, seriously consider talking to a friend about it while you still have them. I went from having plenty of friends, a girl that cared about me, a family that I wanted to help keep together, to having nothing but one last chance at sobriety in just under a year. Granted, I should have seen it coming, maybe I did and I just denied it. Loneliness and the understanding that you are the problem, you're the reason people don't want to be around you anymore is the very worst part.
Get thee some help man. You aren't going to make it on your own.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Anonymous #1
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I am going tomorrow morning. Wish me luck. There are things to be re-built.
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Anonymous #3
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good luck
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Anonymous #4
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g'luck
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marmarlun
!


Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 346
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
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Good luck, let us know how it goes hommie.
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lines
Stranger


Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 1,409
Loc: USA
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: Nothing to Lose [Re: marmarlun]
#12863944 - 07/07/10 08:24 PM (13 years, 6 months ago) |
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Join the orthodox christian faith
ancientfaith.com is a website where you can listen to orthodox christian radio
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GreenMachine93
He Who Prophesizes


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 32
Loc: New York
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
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Re: Nothing to Lose [Re: lines]
#12870054 - 07/08/10 09:32 PM (13 years, 6 months ago) |
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good luck in detox man, i truly hope that you will be able to rebuild your life. detox is definetly the first step in doing this.
-------------------- "He who isn't busy being born is busy dying" - Bob Dylan
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Anonymous #1
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So I did my month.
Prior to deciding to go, a little while ago, a friend that has mostly stuck by me was with me. I didn't realize until after, but when I was there, he took away my knife. Said later he was frightened/worried. I'm sober, now. For how long, I don't know. I don't really feel any better. Physically? For sure. But overall, I feel about the same.
I know it takes time, but it still sucks to be alone and have to start from square one. And on top of that I would really just like to grab a bottle of liquor and blow off every opportunity or responsibility for the next 24 hours then rinse and repeat.
I don't really feel sorry for myself. This isn't so much a self sympathy post. It's mostly anger and who I've let myself be.
I guess I'm just confused.
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floatingupstream

Registered: 06/20/10
Posts: 230
Loc: FL
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
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Well, what took place during detox? Of course it is good to get sober but that is not everything. You really need some therapy to understand why you so long for the drink. Did the docs recommend AA?
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Tesla
VP of Wilfred Brimley Fanclub


Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 903
Last seen: 13 years, 4 months
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Quote:
Anonymous said: So I did my month.
Prior to deciding to go, a little while ago, a friend that has mostly stuck by me was with me. I didn't realize until after, but when I was there, he took away my knife. Said later he was frightened/worried. I'm sober, now. For how long, I don't know. I don't really feel any better. Physically? For sure. But overall, I feel about the same.
I know it takes time, but it still sucks to be alone and have to start from square one. And on top of that I would really just like to grab a bottle of liquor and blow off every opportunity or responsibility for the next 24 hours then rinse and repeat.
I don't really feel sorry for myself. This isn't so much a self sympathy post. It's mostly anger and who I've let myself be.
I guess I'm just confused.
You sound really awesome
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Anonymous #1
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Relapsed.
I just read what I wrote and it's all over the place. I don't blame you if you don't care to read my stream of consciousness.
Don't know what to think. I'm clearly weak. I could make an excuse about the low success rate, but why bother? It'd be just that, an excuse. I was always a fairly intelligent individual, nothing special, but certainly not dumb. My birth parents used to tell me that. My friends did too. I was pretty good sociably, never the coolest, but not a friendless child either.
It seems I've still managed to disappoint those around me.
I guess I secretly resented a lot of people. I resented them for being sound of mind, for having stable and healthy upbringings. I resented them for, ironically, not harboring resentment or hatred towards others. I guess I always resented myself the most.
When I was fighting off alcohol cravings a few days ago, telling myself that I was destroying myself, I had a realization of sorts. Even without alcohol, I still seek self-destruction.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I guess I need to see if I have the guts to put my money back on the table and ask for more cards. I'm thinking about letting my old friends, those I knew from before and during my slide into what I am now, go. I'm not sure if it's healthy to try and cling to them. Maybe it's time to let them give up and go my own way. Cut the loose ends and see what I can come up with on my own, and hopefully get some supportive friends along the way.
I don't like being alone, with nobody to talk to, but maybe it's something I need to face.
I'll make another attempt at getting better, that I'll promise myself. Just not yet, maybe I'm not ready.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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i feel for you man.
Some things that may or may not help you...
you should not think of yourself as an object with properties! You should not think i am like this, i act like this etc. This is a mistake, you are nothing and everything... anything that you want yourself to be at any moment, you can be. You are free.
It is difficult to realize your freedom when you are in your old surroundings. They oppress you, force you into old relations and behavior patterns that you have just become used to.
sometimes its best to just... to let it all go. Let everything go, the people, the relations, 'your thoughts'... everything
As oscar wilde once said: the past can always be annihilated, the future is inevitable.
All the best man. Hope this helps
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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