|
hal5000
Space Pirate



Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 62
Loc:
|
Open Relationships
#12592683 - 05/19/10 02:50 PM (13 years, 9 months ago) |
|
|
First of all, if you disagree with Open relationships or think they are wrong thats fine, dont have one, Im just looking for non-judgmental advice.
So here's the deal, my fiancee and I have been together for about 3 years now, 2 of which engaged. Everything is going good, our sex life is pretty decent, not fantastic but i cant complain much. Every time we would see something on TV about Open Relationships she would always make it a point to voice her opinion on how she thinks thats wrong and doesn't understand why people could do that. I always said, "to each there own" making sure to sit on the fence and not take sides for two reasons.
Reason 1. I really don't know how I feel about an open relationship.
Reason 2. If I later find out I really like the idea and I say I don't now, there is 0 chance it will ever happen.
So just about a week ago for some strange unknown reason she says,"I want to tell you something, but I dont want you to chance your perception of me." This strikes me as odd because we are the most open couple I have ever seen, we tell each other everything, their is nothing we cant and dont do around each other. SO I say "Just tell me, nothing you can say will make me think differently about you. So she proceeds to tell me she thinks it would be hot if I slept with another woman and told her what I did to her. She tells me she just told me all that before because she was scared how I might react and then we start discussing the possibility of an open relationship.
Now dont get me wrong, I am by no means saying no to this but I told her that I would have to think about it and she agreed. Now a little background knowledge is needed. My fiancee really likes girls, id say shes probs 20% straight if you get me. The reason im hesitant to agree to this is that
1. I know and she knows that we are soulmates(if you dont believe in that sorta thing great, but I do) and I dont want this to fuck anything up because shes my perfect match.
2. Obviously I don't want her to enjoy someone in bed more than me. Call it Jealousy or whatever you like, its the truth.
and yeah that's pretty much the jist of the cons
The pros are
1. I'm 22, have a very strong sex drive and have only been with 4 people... Long story, essentially one of the first girls I dated, ended up dating for about 5 years(the one I had two threesome's with) and now Ive been with my fiancee for 3 years. I want to have experienced more.
2. I know she is very attracted to girls and I want her to be able to have that
3. I live by the moto, If its meant to be its meant to be.
Has anyone been in or is currently in an open relationship? If so do you have any advice? Is it a good, bad or indiferent idea?
I just don't want to ruin a good thing but at the same time Id hate to let my fear stop me from starting something even better.
Sorry for the long post Thanks in advance for any advice
|
alternatereality
Explorer



Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 2,576
Loc: Washington
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
|
Re: Open Relationships [Re: hal5000]
#12592784 - 05/19/10 03:07 PM (13 years, 9 months ago) |
|
|
Let me preface this by saying that the open relationship I'm in at the moment is a bit different, but I think it still applies.
The boy is gay. Not bi. Gay. Despite that, we fell in love with each other and both really do believe that we're soulmates. We're together in every way but one. We just don't have sex and have agreed that we'll simply have to rely on other people for most physical intimacy, but we're completely committed to one another besides that. I thought that would work fine since I know that he loves me and none of the other men that he may be with are going to matter. I figured that since I'm normally open to anything, I wouldn't mind it. However, the more deeply I fall in love with him, despite trying to tell myself not to be jealous, I am. I thought sex could exist with no strings attached, but in reality, it hurts and I hate it.
I think that there may be some people who really could make an open relationship work, but in the end it's probably going to end up hurting one or both parties most of the time. Just my 2 cents.
--------------------
|
makersmarc



Registered: 02/05/10
Posts: 219
Loc: DFW, Texas
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
|
Re: Open Relationships [Re: hal5000]
#12592790 - 05/19/10 03:08 PM (13 years, 9 months ago) |
|
|
This is a situation with a lot of trapdoors, in my experience. I've been in a couple relationships/situations like this and seen even more. Best rule of thumb to go by is only do it if you don't really give a shit about the future of the relationship.
First, consider the chance that she is testing you. From some of the things you've said I'm a little less inclined to expect this than I was at first but it's still a very real possibility.
Second, if you're both totally in on the idea you may even get it to work for a while but an irreconcilable issue arising is nearly inevitable.
Third, if she is really as important to you as you say she is you shouldn't need to look elsewhere to reach satisfaction. Even if you don't believe this how impossible is it that the thought won't creep into her head in the future? If she's around your age, I can guarantee that both of you will experience shifts in your thoughts, beliefs, and ideologies in the coming years.
I've had a really great relationship with a very special girl end mostly from this very issue. It was great while it lasted, sure. But in the end it wasn't worth what was lost.
|
blazenn
rawdog the whale.


Registered: 05/13/09
Posts: 4,584
Loc:
|
|
Quote:
alternatereality said: Let me preface this by saying that the open relationship I'm in at the moment is a bit different, but I think it still applies.
The boy is gay. Not bi. Gay. Despite that, we fell in love with each other and both really do believe that we're soulmates. We're together in every way but one. We just don't have sex and have agreed that we'll simply have to rely on other people for most physical intimacy, but we're completely committed to one another besides that. I thought that would work fine since I know that he loves me and none of the other men that he may be with are going to matter. I figured that since I'm normally open to anything, I wouldn't mind it. However, the more deeply I fall in love with him, despite trying to tell myself not to be jealous, I am. I thought sex could exist with no strings attached, but in reality, it hurts and I hate it.
I think that there may be some people who really could make an open relationship work, but in the end it's probably going to end up hurting one or both parties most of the time. Just my 2 cents.
maybe you can find a single 3rd party for the "physical intimacy". since he's gay, and you're female, find a guy whos bi and he can nail both of you at the same time
|
memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
|
|
Danger zone. GL
|
Frost
Inside a locked room


Registered: 02/24/07
Posts: 5,947
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
|
|
Quote:
alternatereality said: Let me preface this by saying that the open relationship I'm in at the moment is a bit different, but I think it still applies.
The boy is gay. Not bi. Gay. Despite that, we fell in love with each other and both really do believe that we're soulmates. We're together in every way but one. We just don't have sex and have agreed that we'll simply have to rely on other people for most physical intimacy, but we're completely committed to one another besides that. I thought that would work fine since I know that he loves me and none of the other men that he may be with are going to matter. I figured that since I'm normally open to anything, I wouldn't mind it. However, the more deeply I fall in love with him, despite trying to tell myself not to be jealous, I am. I thought sex could exist with no strings attached, but in reality, it hurts and I hate it.
I think that there may be some people who really could make an open relationship work, but in the end it's probably going to end up hurting one or both parties most of the time. Just my 2 cents.
Wow, that's a pretty crazy situation. So you believe in the concept of soul mates?
-------------------- “I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside.” - Rumi “The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” - Carl Sagan
|
alternatereality
Explorer



Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 2,576
Loc: Washington
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
|
Re: Open Relationships [Re: Frost]
#12592880 - 05/19/10 03:26 PM (13 years, 9 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Frost said:
Quote:
alternatereality said: Let me preface this by saying that the open relationship I'm in at the moment is a bit different, but I think it still applies.
The boy is gay. Not bi. Gay. Despite that, we fell in love with each other and both really do believe that we're soulmates. We're together in every way but one. We just don't have sex and have agreed that we'll simply have to rely on other people for most physical intimacy, but we're completely committed to one another besides that. I thought that would work fine since I know that he loves me and none of the other men that he may be with are going to matter. I figured that since I'm normally open to anything, I wouldn't mind it. However, the more deeply I fall in love with him, despite trying to tell myself not to be jealous, I am. I thought sex could exist with no strings attached, but in reality, it hurts and I hate it.
I think that there may be some people who really could make an open relationship work, but in the end it's probably going to end up hurting one or both parties most of the time. Just my 2 cents.
Wow, that's a pretty crazy situation. So you believe in the concept of soul mates?
Well I didn't before meeting him. I just know that there's no one I would rather spend my life with. No one could ever possibly be more perfect for me than he is. He's everything that I've ever wished for in a person and as cheesy and ridiculous it sounds he completes me. I really love him.
--------------------
|
maerigan


Registered: 01/16/10
Posts: 1,709
Loc:
|
|
Maybe it's just me, but my first thought when something like this comes up is usually "Is the other person just saying this because if they can convince me that I should sleep with someone else, then that means they should be allowed to sleep with someone else"
Open relationship pretty much means that, right? And if it strikes you wrong that she would hook up with another guy at some point then I would sit on the idea for a really long time.
Maybe if you guys toy with just the idea for a while, eventually you'll decide if it feels right or not.
And maybe since she's more into girls you don't really have to worry about that because it's more likely that she'd hook up with another girl than another guy and you're alright with that
Either way, if you're unsure about it it's probably not best to go ahead and go through with it
--------------------
|
hal5000
Space Pirate



Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 62
Loc:
|
|
Quote:
alternatereality said:
Quote:
Frost said:
Quote:
alternatereality said: Let me preface this by saying that the open relationship I'm in at the moment is a bit different, but I think it still applies.
The boy is gay. Not bi. Gay. Despite that, we fell in love with each other and both really do believe that we're soulmates. We're together in every way but one. We just don't have sex and have agreed that we'll simply have to rely on other people for most physical intimacy, but we're completely committed to one another besides that. I thought that would work fine since I know that he loves me and none of the other men that he may be with are going to matter. I figured that since I'm normally open to anything, I wouldn't mind it. However, the more deeply I fall in love with him, despite trying to tell myself not to be jealous, I am. I thought sex could exist with no strings attached, but in reality, it hurts and I hate it.
I think that there may be some people who really could make an open relationship work, but in the end it's probably going to end up hurting one or both parties most of the time. Just my 2 cents.
Wow, that's a pretty crazy situation. So you believe in the concept of soul mates?
Well I didn't before meeting him. I just know that there's no one I would rather spend my life with. No one could ever possibly be more perfect for me than he is. He's everything that I've ever wished for in a person and as cheesy and ridiculous it sounds he completes me. I really love him.
I really am not trying to be rude, but can we focus on my post for a second?
So no one has been in an open relationship and had it work out? Wow...
And the truth of the matter is she would probably id say 95% of the time be sleeping with a girl and Im ok with that aslong as its just that, sex and nothing more. I truely in my heart belive that we will be togeather forever but obviously there is alot to think about when going into somthing like this. I never straight up asked her if she would be ok with me sleeping with another woman but judging by the fact that she said I think it would be hot if you slept with another woman and told me about it, then yes I THINK she wouldnt have a problem with it.
I guess as long as I'm always her number one priority then I cant see me getting jealous and I think she would agree.
someone I spoke to about this said,"well if shes talking about having an open relationship then she is thinking about or already is cheating on you." To be honest, she dosent have time to cheat on me and I just know in my heart of hearts shes not. Its not even that, and she even said, "Im not saying we should for sure do this, im just saying im open to it if you want to think about it."
IDK im just so confused about it all.
|
deCypher


Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 56,232
|
|
Quote:
alternatereality said: The boy is gay. Not bi. Gay. Despite that, we fell in love with each other and both really do believe that we're soulmates.
These sentences made no sense.
-------------------- We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
 
|
maerigan


Registered: 01/16/10
Posts: 1,709
Loc:
|
Re: Open Relationships [Re: hal5000]
#12593545 - 05/19/10 05:16 PM (13 years, 9 months ago) |
|
|
Yea, that's why I think that you should just toy with the idea until you know for sure if it's something you're really interested in or not
If you're both open with each other and are both okay with it, go for it. But I'd definitely think over all of the angles of the particular situation and decide if I felt really okay with it deep down or if there were any things that would bother me about it.
I've only ever been in an open relationship with another girl. Which is why I can't really give you any advice on a male/female open relationship because I think it might be an entirely different situation
--------------------
|
|