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bedtime. got to set my alarm early for work tomorrow. got to be in the office at 8:00. got 15 minutes for smoke break. just an hour for lunch at 9:30.
i had this routine thing called work that started to make me unhappy. know what it feels like to conform to somebody else's dictation of time? unlike most of the employees, i found out that there was a sort of talent to working which involved willfully participating. doing my job well because it served me. i see work as a game. when you are a waiter, for example, the incentive of playing the game well may be a motivating factor. when you play a game you inform yourself about the games logistics through its unpredictability. it reminds me of theater and being an actor. actors try out many different scenarios to see what works best. by looking at all the different areas in your presentation of work that you can perceive at first, you realize there are different adjustments you can make. there begins a chemistry to success. you notice the patterned stylized responses that inhibit the smoothness of your performance. the involvement keeps you awake, while distractions about your more important life outside of work and things you'd rather be doing or other responsibilities you should have already taken care of seem to bind you to time and make the work drag on. giving up resistance to the job and developing my understanding of it as a game helped the time pass, so to speak. i like music. when i listen to music i forget about time. hours could pass me by and i wouldn't notice. the same way when i work on art, when i read - i only get this phenomenon when doing something i like... i feel like a fish cruising around in the sea. i feel free. i put in a two week resignation of work. henceforth, my friends and i will make and sell ceramics and cloth dolls. i'm happy that i accepted the job i didn't want (it gave me more energy for the things i do like doing), and didn't get too comfortable with playing somebody else's game. i dealt with similar things in school, i didn't feel (most) profs. wanted to help me learn what i wanted to learn about - i had to do their trip and cope with that and still find ways to make certain i statisified myself.