I can?t focus on anything. I have been a regular pot user for about 5 years, smoking sometimes several times a day, never a TON of intake but definitely my fare share. But recently, as I was seeing this girl, I cut back quite a bit as I can no longer handle myself around her, I don?t feel secure. (Another thing ? I find it odd.. myself and several people I know who smoked in high school could handle it (when we were most likely LESS secure with our lives) can no longer handle it the same ways as they did.) I know anxiety comes with long term pot smoking in some people)?. But anyway, I can?t fucking focus on anything. I am an English writing major (believe it or not) and have always wanted to write, but I have a hardest time writing papers, reading books, watching movies.. Hell I zone out on commercials.. I know pot may play a part but I definitely think its just how I am. This sucks, its fucking up my life, relationships with other people, etc. I just know am just a huge thinker. I know I am bright yet I feel I can?t absorb things completely. And as a kid and adolescent I knew I was highly creative. I think I still am. But I can?t ever bring things to a full conclusion. I can?t sum things up completely, and am a huge perfectionist with creative things. I can?t really form a solid opinion on anything. So I am both inattentive and insecure (yet in other ways secure?), I am just constantly pondering. Sometimes I?ve thought I have too much imagination/creative potential that I can?t grasp it. Since childhood I?ve had these creative urges that almost make me sick, yet for the last few years I think drugs (pot, alcohol, antidepressants (no longer antidepressants)) have been some sort of solution to them. I haven?t expressed myself through anything creative in a long long time.. I am a lost person, and I think my relationships with other people suffer in ways.
I live with my sister and have been dating one of her best friends for 3 months. Last night we pretty much mutually broke up.. yet with me far more hurt, confused, etc. But I just think me being lost is the hugest part. I am highly sensitive, I guess weak in certain ways, and perhaps use women as crutches. Anyway, I also admire my sister because, unlike me, she was not creative as a child but has made herself creative and has prevailed in art throughout college.. I just want to tap into my goodness, but am now doubting I ever will learn how. I somehow know this will get better, but am just waiting for it. Oh.. and as far as the attentiveness thing ? I was diagnosed with ADD in HS and believe that it is a true thing. I don?t agree with the stimulant medications, but I definitely feel that I think more than the average person, or just mainly have not learned to focus my thoughts. Are there any other people like me? I am not sure I?ve ever met someone on the same page as I am, and just an odd problem that has progressively gotten worse. The more I realize about life the more confusing it is. I want to see solutions and ends to things. I want to do wonderful things and grasp the world and express myself completely. I know what all of you people will say, I just need to diversify my life and do more things, and get exposed and be in creative environments. I am just thick in some deep January doldrums. Yet at the same time I feel I am surrounded by things in my life that could inspire me.. I am just not catching them and grasping them via art or writing. So at times I feel like I have almost completely lost my creativity or creative confidence. Well I guess I am truly writing this blabbering to myself just to refer back later. I guess my post is a bet selfish. I am drunk and high and perhaps it will look like shit later, but if any of you feel like saying anything do so. If anyones been here and wants to throw me a few words, please do so. I guess I am talking about a combination of several problems.. with this breakup probably being the toughest thing? yet also a type of wake up call to wtf I am doing with my life. Sorry for the disorganized babblings, I?ve gone back and plugged a lot of things back into the paragraphs, I just wanted to get some stuff out. Best.
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