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Invisiblesilversoul7
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Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 27,301
Loc: mndfreeze's puppet army
George Carlin jokes
    #1231008 - 01/19/03 12:14 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaraunt like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Ok... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in...what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


--------------------


"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."--Voltaire


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Invisiblesilversoul7
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Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 27,301
Loc: mndfreeze's puppet army
Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: silversoul7]
    #1231607 - 01/19/03 05:49 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Bump!


--------------------


"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."--Voltaire


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OfflineMurex
Reality Hacker

Registered: 07/28/02
Posts: 3,599
Loc: Traped in a shell.
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: silversoul7]
    #1231630 - 01/19/03 06:01 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Funny.  :wink:


--------------------
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?



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Offlinejamie_
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Registered: 08/17/02
Posts: 125
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: silversoul7]
    #1231656 - 01/19/03 06:08 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:


28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?





hah cow


--------------------
have a sip of my cola lass we are setting sail


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OnlineLearyfan
It's the psychedelic movement!
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Registered: 04/20/01
Posts: 29,933
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Last seen: 9 minutes, 36 seconds
Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: silversoul7]
    #1231820 - 01/19/03 06:57 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Pure comedic genious.

Carlin is one of the top three of all time.











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--------------------------------


Mp3 of the month: The Remaining Few - Painted Air



Edited by Learyfan (11/14/10 12:15 PM)


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InvisibleIn(di)go
People of the sun.
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Registered: 10/30/00
Posts: 8,152
Loc: Cologne, Germany
Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: Learyfan]
    #1242800 - 01/23/03 01:04 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.


my personal fav.


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InvisibleSenor_Doobie
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Registered: 08/12/99
Posts: 22,678
Loc: Trump Train
Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: In(di)go]
    #1247328 - 01/25/03 07:23 AM (14 years, 2 months ago)

His routine about the words they use at the airport crack me up.

"'Get on the plane, get on the plane'...FUCK you, I'm getting IN the plane. Let Evil Kanevil get ON the plane."

"...'When you reach your final destination'. All destinations are final. That's what it means, destiny, final. If you haven't gotten to where you're going, you aren't there yet."

"'Before exiting the plane, please look for any personal items you might have brought on board.' Well, I MIGHT have brought my bottle-cap collection, but I didn't..so I sure as Hell am not going to look for it. And 'personal belongings'. What other kinds of belongings are there? Public belongings? Do they honestly think I might be carrying a fountain that I stole from the park?"

"Terminal, another unfortuante word to be associated with the airline business and they put it everywhere, the terminal restaurant, terminal gift shop. Do people actually want to go into these places?"

"'Please continue to observe the No Smoking sign until you are well inside the terminal.' It is physically impossible to observe the No Smoking sign from just outside the airplane, let alone from well inside the terminal."

"'Welcome to Honalulu', How can someone who is just arriving herself welcome me to a place that we aren't even at yet?"

"'In the unlikeley event of a sudden loss in cabin pressure' ROOF FLIES OFF!"


--------------------
"America: Fuck yeah!" -- Alexthegreat

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”  -- Thomas Jefferson

The greatest sin of mankind is ignorance.

The press takes [Trump] literally, but not seriously; his supporters take him seriously, but not literally. --Salena Zeto (9/23/16)


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OnlineLearyfan
It's the psychedelic movement!
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Registered: 04/20/01
Posts: 29,933
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Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: Senor_Doobie]
    #1247516 - 01/25/03 09:10 AM (14 years, 2 months ago)

"En de unlikely event of a water landing"

........"water landing....................is it me, or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN?"












--------------------
--------------------------------


Mp3 of the month: The Remaining Few - Painted Air



Edited by Learyfan (11/14/10 12:15 PM)


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OfflineSynocybin
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Registered: 06/14/10
Posts: 2,796
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Last seen: 17 days, 9 hours
Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: Learyfan]
    #13482054 - 11/14/10 11:54 AM (6 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Learyfan said:
Pure comedic genious.

Carlin is one of the top three of all time.

www.diamondimages.com/rocknroll/images/george%2520carlin.jpg"> 




carlin was a comedic genius..

rip


--------------------
Synocybin's Penis Envy Grow Log!
OUTDOOR SPENT TRAY GROW PICS!!
X7X Grow Log

Luigi on Shrooms said:
Its been 4weeks since i cased what is going on?
i used human manure(mine) vermiculite and coco coir


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OfflineFrost
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Registered: 02/24/07
Posts: 5,947
Loc: Florida Flag
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Re: George Carlin jokes [Re: silversoul7]
    #13482100 - 11/14/10 12:05 PM (6 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

silversoul7 said:

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.





I like this one.


--------------------
“I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside.” - Rumi

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” - Carl Sagan


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