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Offlineaghorrorag
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The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. * 6
    #12031863 - 02/15/10 03:40 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I have gotten a go from one of the moderators to start the official "post your own poetry thread " , so this should be a sticky.

I love reading poems by amateurs as it seems to be free from literary criticism.  I think all poems are good, and I love  reading them.

In this thread, let's please be polite and sensitive to people's work.  For some people , it takes a lot of courage to share their art.  So, please be respectful.

I am hoping this can be a good thread for aspiring/casual poets to share their work with fellow psychedelic mates.

I will kick things off with a poem I wrote about a girl I once knew:

"This is a Sad Story"

and she deteriorated slowly, never heard from again
this was a sad story because all she needed was a friend
the isolation grew into infinity, and forgotten were the days of sunny smiles
now, her brain has worn out, from running endless self-conscious miles

the knight in shining armor never arrived
she was forgotten, and somewhere else he thrived
so she sat with her cats, her squirrels, her pigeons… living in the zoo in her head
people had cold, horrifying eyes
animals and jazz were her only friends

she could’ve been someone special, someone for the ages
there could’ve been stories written for hundreds of pages
she could’ve touched lives, if someone had touched her
in the end, she died not of old age, but because no one truly loved her

her story was never told
no one ever knew her name
there wasn’t much to tell
it was really a tearless shame.
especially since,
there are so many silent souls that are the same.

but, there is importance to every life,
because we can always learn
the lesson here is…
take control of the wheel, press on the gas,
close your eyes, and make the turn.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


Edited by aghorrorag (02/15/10 04:40 AM)


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Offlineaghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 1
    #12034965 - 02/15/10 06:01 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Where is the sticky?


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Invisiblelukeboots
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 1
    #12035048 - 02/15/10 06:14 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

i think the mods should probably wait to see if this takes off before it gets stuck to the top of the forum...


--------------------

funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey


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Offlineaghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: lukeboots] * 1
    #12035745 - 02/15/10 08:21 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

lukeboots said:
i think the mods should probably wait to see if this takes off before it gets stuck to the top of the forum...




the mod told me it would be a sticky, other wise i wouldn't have made "the official post your own poetry" thread.

i talked to a mod before... every couple weeks someone posts their poems, there should be once place where everyone can access  the creative talent of the shrooomery


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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InvisibleMiddlemanM

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Posts: 8,388
Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 1
    #12036318 - 02/15/10 09:56 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

We'll sticky threads on the fly if requested in the smaller forums.
If they don't take off in a month or two they are removed. :mushroom2:


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Invisiblelukeboots
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Middleman] * 1
    #12036380 - 02/15/10 10:03 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Right on. :thumbup:


--------------------

funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey


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Invisibleparadox_
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 3
    #12051193 - 02/18/10 01:14 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Okay here is something I wrote. I like criticism so don't hold back if you have something useful to say about it. Though this is the first poem I have written without much of a rhyme scheme so yeah.



We are coming.

We are coming from our warrens
and we bring you hate and filth.
We are coming from our barrows
to throw you to your graves

We are coming with our gore
borne of fist and fury.
We are coming with our sickness
evolved from death and rage.

We are coming to your homes
and to the ground they'll raze.
We are coming to your weakness
your bones, your flesh, our plague.

We are coming for your children
to make of them our slaves.
We are coming for your women
who within we distill a fear

We are coming, us malefaceres
We are here.


Edited by paradox_ (02/18/10 09:51 PM)


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OfflineUwase
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] * 4
    #12051215 - 02/18/10 01:19 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Something More


Between each breath I think of you
And write another line or two
Finding words is hardly a chore
Wishing we were something more

Between each toke I think of you
Wondering how we could be less than two
From trembling lips fire burns the ground
And something more must be found

Between each drink I think of you
The kind of pain you put me through
The empty glass breaks on the floor
So I must reach for something more

Between each cut I think of you
The stupid shit you put me through
A blood-wet blade slips to the floor
And I need the help of something more

Between each chamber I think of you
With your Goddamn games I'm finally through
This one man roulette ends on the floor
Not now, not ever, to be something more


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OfflineUwase
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] * 3
    #12051224 - 02/18/10 01:21 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Stronger

These days are long
But these nights are longer
I grow wearier as each passes
But they all say I will be stronger

They think that this is normal
The average case of hopeless heartbreak
But they must not understand
The toll it can take

For if they did
Their attempts at comfort would cease
They would know such words give no aid
And only make pain increase

I do not need to be reminded
Of the life and love and loss
Like ones who would say “It will get better”
As Jesus hung limply on the Cross

So do not try to console me
With vain notions of ease
The milk and honey of the world
Cannot rival the black seas

In the raging pits of Hell
There can be no redemption
No light can pierce through
Once in the mind’s benthic region

When love’s heat has risen
All you can do is crawl
When you reach the edge of love’s world
All you can do is fall

At the end of love’s road
You can go forward no longer
When love’s muscles are torn
There is no being stronger


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Offlineaghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] * 1
    #12051225 - 02/18/10 01:21 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

paradox_ said:
Okay here is something I wrote. I like criticism so don't hold back if you have something useful to say about it. Though this is the first poem I have written without much of a rhyme scheme so yeah.



We are coming.

We are coming from our warrens
and we bring you hate and filth.
We are coming from our barrows
to throw you to your graves

We are coming with our gore
borne of fist and fury.
We are coming with our sickness
evolved from death and rage.

We are coming to your homes
and to the ground they'll raze.
We are coming to your weakness
your bones, your flesh, our plague.

We are coming for your children
to make of them our slaves.
We are coming for your women
who within we will distill fear

We are coming, us malefaceres
We are here.



Personally I think there is something off with the end of the second to last paragraph. Too many syllables maybe?




"who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,

  what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Offlineaghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] * 1
    #12051256 - 02/18/10 01:27 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Uwase said:
Something More


Between each breath I think of you
And write another line or two
Finding words is hardly a chore
Wishing we were something more

Between each toke I think of you
Wondering how we could be less than two
From trembling lips fire burns the ground
And something more must be found

Between each drink I think of you
The kind of pain you put me through
The empty glass breaks on the floor
So I must reach for something more

Between each cut I think of you
The stupid shit you put me through
A blood-wet blade slips to the floor
And I need the help of something more

Between each chamber I think of you
With your Goddamn games I'm finally through
This one man roulette ends on the floor
Not now, not ever, to be something more





Awesome, I really enjoyed it.  My opinion is perhaps the one line that doesn't fit for me, "wondering how we could be less than two", i guess cause you ended with "two" in the second line of the first stanza, and then repeat it, unless you are doing to emphasize the theme of two.  maybe in this second line you could try to incorparate a weed metaphor calling upon the "toke" in the line above.

either way, i really enjoyed it as is.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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OfflineUwase
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 1
    #12051284 - 02/18/10 01:32 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Yea... I try not to re-use words too much, but "two" seemed to stick out to me.. thought to be honest, I find the first stanza to be pretty "weak"... But I wasn't in a great state of mind when writing it, and I try to conserve "mental state" in things I write... So if I make an error or a certain play/emphasis on words, I keep it in there afterwords :/

Thanks for the support though :laugh:


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Invisibleparadox_
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 1
    #12051317 - 02/18/10 01:38 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

aghorrorag said:
"who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,

  what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.




It is strange, I had this notion than a warren was place some sort of animal would live. Like a den or something like that. It doesn't look like this is the case now that I have checked into it a bit.

Malefacere is one who does evil, or at least that is my understanding of it.

I edited that line.


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Offlineaghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] * 1
    #12051335 - 02/18/10 01:41 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Uwase said:
Yea... I try not to re-use words too much, but "two" seemed to stick out to me.. thought to be honest, I find the first stanza to be pretty "weak"... But I wasn't in a great state of mind when writing it, and I try to conserve "mental state" in things I write... So if I make an error or a certain play/emphasis on words, I keep it in there afterwords :/

Thanks for the support though :laugh:




I agree, a lot of the time, I keep my work as is.
  I sent my book to a few editors, and just left most of my poems as is, but just wanted to tell you that i really enjoyed it, and could relate.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Offlineaghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] * 1
    #12051355 - 02/18/10 01:45 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

paradox_ said:
Quote:

aghorrorag said:
"who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,

  what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.




It is strange, I had this notion than a warren was place some sort of animal would live. Like a den or something like that. It doesn't look like this is the case now that I have checked into it a bit.

Malefacere is one who does evil, or at least that is my understanding of it.

I edited that line.




hmm, the way you edited it makes it less clear you are talking about the women, i would stick with what you first had, or try and come up with way so it isn't awkward.

I really enjoy the poem's ominous tone.

I looked up "warren" - a place where rabbits breed or abound.

gives the poem some interesting imagery.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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OfflineMchaggis
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 2
    #12051358 - 02/18/10 01:46 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Visions of the Afterworld: fireantsandmartingourds.blogspot.com

I wrote:
Quote:

I have
come
to be the
gambler
and the thief;
gambling at
tomorrow
and stealing all
my yesterdays.
I have
come
to be a
liar
and a prophet;
delivering
all the news
that never
was.
I have
come
to be the
sick
and the
poor;
licking up
the tonic water
for the drink
and the quinine.
I have
come
to be
the pusher
and the
priest; selling
just to buy
a way to
heaven.
I have
come
to be
the dog and
the horse;
nipping at my
own heels
to pull.
The more
I run
the
faster I die
and
the darker
the day
the brighter
the moon.
I have
come to
be the
gambler
and the
thief;
losing all my yesterdays
at a crooked game of
tomorrow.




--------------------
I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body


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OfflineUwase
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Mchaggis] * 1
    #12051369 - 02/18/10 01:49 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Why I Cry

I cry because of the days we have
And the nights that are sure to follow
The way we always end up here
Every day and every tomorrow

I cry because we lie so still
Your head upon my chest
The way you look as your lips come closer
And we breathe each other’s breath

I cry because of the love we make
All the nights we touch the sky
The way the hours unnoticeably pass by
When on the wings of love we fly

I cry because of the life we share
The way this one has been made from two
I cry because I love you
And because you love me too

---Then it switches up, past-tense changing the whole poem---

I cry because of the days we had
And the nights that were sure to follow
The way we always ended up here
Every day and every tomorrow

I cry because we lied so still
Your head upon my chest
The way you looked as your lips came closer
And we breathed each other’s breath

I cry because of the love we made
All the nights we touched the sky
The way the hours unnoticeably passed by
When on the wings of love we did fly

I cry because of the life we shared
The way that one had been made from two
I cry because I loved you
And because you loved me too


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Offlineaghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] * 1
    #12067661 - 02/20/10 10:17 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Warmth In Hand.


I.

as i sit,
    warmth in hand.
i embark,
    upon this tree.

  day transmutation,
    into artificial lights.
darkness envelops
  the different shades of night.

i forecast my shadows,
  upon the arctic tundra,
green patches of sustenance are reborn
    the geese incubate their eggs,
ever watchful of the fox

II.

as i sit,
  with unholy lead in hand,
i open my sacral roots
  hoping for a bird to understand

  observing the bees of day
buzzing above and around red nectar
  one unfurls on the pavement,
a testament to the global motif.

  the plastic winds howl,
as the wolf lifts its head upwards towards the stars,
  sniffing the platinum skies.

III.

i know not of future milieu
only the atmosphere may bellow,
  quietly quickening,
may geese migrate towards the moon

and to my wayward fellow,
  i pray for lightning,
so clouds may spark a fire ablaze,
in the forests fostering your fervor.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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OfflineCtK
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Registered: 10/01/07
Posts: 31
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 2
    #12071339 - 02/21/10 04:32 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

See something beautiful, flawless, exquisite
Admire its contours and caress the curves
Be filled with delight and yearn to be with it
Buy, worship, wonder. Give what it deserves

Writhe in the ecstasy of its sensation
Be savvy to its method of creation

Love it.
Now break it.

Rend the pieces and make them useless
Provide no quarter, teach it of ruthless

Crush, crucify, kill and crave the carnage
Disfigure 'till defection and make it your bitch
Mar the perfection with axe tar or sledge
Hate its soul veraciously and denounce it a witch

Endear, revere then discard in a ditch


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OfflineCtK
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Registered: 10/01/07
Posts: 31
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: CtK] * 1
    #12071358 - 02/21/10 04:34 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

sickscared terranian slaves imprisoned within their own free decisions.
make their way upon elevated ties upon sterile concrete incisions
pushing through fulminating fogs during a droll predawn dreamstate
opposing platforms await their turns and the unlucky exude hate
functionally lit tubes trundle with their uncomfortable jerks
ghost engineers steer without choice; mere grimacing clerks

oh dismal day of low lugubrious light. when will you descend?
rise to us soon luminous night. on you we too depend.


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