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aghorrorag
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The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. 8
#12031863 - 02/15/10 01:40 AM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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I have gotten a go from one of the moderators to start the official "post your own poetry thread " , so this should be a sticky.
I love reading poems by amateurs as it seems to be free from literary criticism. I think all poems are good, and I love reading them.
In this thread, let's please be polite and sensitive to people's work. For some people , it takes a lot of courage to share their art. So, please be respectful.
I am hoping this can be a good thread for aspiring/casual poets to share their work with fellow psychedelic mates.
I will kick things off with a poem I wrote about a girl I once knew:
"This is a Sad Story"
and she deteriorated slowly, never heard from again this was a sad story because all she needed was a friend the isolation grew into infinity, and forgotten were the days of sunny smiles now, her brain has worn out, from running endless self-conscious miles
the knight in shining armor never arrived she was forgotten, and somewhere else he thrived so she sat with her cats, her squirrels, her pigeons… living in the zoo in her head people had cold, horrifying eyes animals and jazz were her only friends
she could’ve been someone special, someone for the ages there could’ve been stories written for hundreds of pages she could’ve touched lives, if someone had touched her in the end, she died not of old age, but because no one truly loved her
her story was never told no one ever knew her name there wasn’t much to tell it was really a tearless shame. especially since, there are so many silent souls that are the same.
but, there is importance to every life, because we can always learn the lesson here is… take control of the wheel, press on the gas, close your eyes, and make the turn.
Edited by aghorrorag (02/15/10 02:40 AM)
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 1
#12034965 - 02/15/10 04:01 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Where is the sticky?
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lukeboots
fresh futuristic
Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 19,728
Loc: Grand Ole Operating Syste...
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 1
#12035048 - 02/15/10 04:14 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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i think the mods should probably wait to see if this takes off before it gets stuck to the top of the forum...
-------------------- funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: lukeboots] 1
#12035745 - 02/15/10 06:21 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
lukeboots said: i think the mods should probably wait to see if this takes off before it gets stuck to the top of the forum...
the mod told me it would be a sticky, other wise i wouldn't have made "the official post your own poetry" thread.
i talked to a mod before... every couple weeks someone posts their poems, there should be once place where everyone can access the creative talent of the shrooomery
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Middleman
Registered: 07/11/99
Posts: 8,399
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 1
#12036318 - 02/15/10 07:56 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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We'll sticky threads on the fly if requested in the smaller forums. If they don't take off in a month or two they are removed.
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lukeboots
fresh futuristic
Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 19,728
Loc: Grand Ole Operating Syste...
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Middleman] 1
#12036380 - 02/15/10 08:03 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Right on.
-------------------- funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey
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paradox_
Life as Shaun
Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 349
Loc: BC
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 3
#12051193 - 02/17/10 11:14 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Okay here is something I wrote. I like criticism so don't hold back if you have something useful to say about it. Though this is the first poem I have written without much of a rhyme scheme so yeah.
We are coming.
We are coming from our warrens and we bring you hate and filth. We are coming from our barrows to throw you to your graves
We are coming with our gore borne of fist and fury. We are coming with our sickness evolved from death and rage.
We are coming to your homes and to the ground they'll raze. We are coming to your weakness your bones, your flesh, our plague.
We are coming for your children to make of them our slaves. We are coming for your women who within we distill a fear
We are coming, us malefaceres We are here.
Edited by paradox_ (02/18/10 07:51 PM)
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Uwase
The Untitled One
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] 4
#12051215 - 02/17/10 11:19 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Something More
Between each breath I think of you And write another line or two Finding words is hardly a chore Wishing we were something more
Between each toke I think of you Wondering how we could be less than two From trembling lips fire burns the ground And something more must be found
Between each drink I think of you The kind of pain you put me through The empty glass breaks on the floor So I must reach for something more
Between each cut I think of you The stupid shit you put me through A blood-wet blade slips to the floor And I need the help of something more
Between each chamber I think of you With your Goddamn games I'm finally through This one man roulette ends on the floor Not now, not ever, to be something more
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Uwase
The Untitled One
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] 3
#12051224 - 02/17/10 11:21 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Stronger
These days are long But these nights are longer I grow wearier as each passes But they all say I will be stronger
They think that this is normal The average case of hopeless heartbreak But they must not understand The toll it can take
For if they did Their attempts at comfort would cease They would know such words give no aid And only make pain increase
I do not need to be reminded Of the life and love and loss Like ones who would say “It will get better” As Jesus hung limply on the Cross
So do not try to console me With vain notions of ease The milk and honey of the world Cannot rival the black seas
In the raging pits of Hell There can be no redemption No light can pierce through Once in the mind’s benthic region
When love’s heat has risen All you can do is crawl When you reach the edge of love’s world All you can do is fall
At the end of love’s road You can go forward no longer When love’s muscles are torn There is no being stronger
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] 1
#12051225 - 02/17/10 11:21 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
paradox_ said: Okay here is something I wrote. I like criticism so don't hold back if you have something useful to say about it. Though this is the first poem I have written without much of a rhyme scheme so yeah.
We are coming.
We are coming from our warrens and we bring you hate and filth. We are coming from our barrows to throw you to your graves
We are coming with our gore borne of fist and fury. We are coming with our sickness evolved from death and rage.
We are coming to your homes and to the ground they'll raze. We are coming to your weakness your bones, your flesh, our plague.
We are coming for your children to make of them our slaves. We are coming for your women who within we will distill fear
We are coming, us malefaceres We are here.
Personally I think there is something off with the end of the second to last paragraph. Too many syllables maybe?
"who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,
what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] 1
#12051256 - 02/17/10 11:27 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Uwase said: Something More
Between each breath I think of you And write another line or two Finding words is hardly a chore Wishing we were something more
Between each toke I think of you Wondering how we could be less than two From trembling lips fire burns the ground And something more must be found
Between each drink I think of you The kind of pain you put me through The empty glass breaks on the floor So I must reach for something more
Between each cut I think of you The stupid shit you put me through A blood-wet blade slips to the floor And I need the help of something more
Between each chamber I think of you With your Goddamn games I'm finally through This one man roulette ends on the floor Not now, not ever, to be something more
Awesome, I really enjoyed it. My opinion is perhaps the one line that doesn't fit for me, "wondering how we could be less than two", i guess cause you ended with "two" in the second line of the first stanza, and then repeat it, unless you are doing to emphasize the theme of two. maybe in this second line you could try to incorparate a weed metaphor calling upon the "toke" in the line above.
either way, i really enjoyed it as is.
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Uwase
The Untitled One
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 1
#12051284 - 02/17/10 11:32 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Yea... I try not to re-use words too much, but "two" seemed to stick out to me.. thought to be honest, I find the first stanza to be pretty "weak"... But I wasn't in a great state of mind when writing it, and I try to conserve "mental state" in things I write... So if I make an error or a certain play/emphasis on words, I keep it in there afterwords :/
Thanks for the support though
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paradox_
Life as Shaun
Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 349
Loc: BC
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 1
#12051317 - 02/17/10 11:38 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
aghorrorag said: "who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,
what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.
It is strange, I had this notion than a warren was place some sort of animal would live. Like a den or something like that. It doesn't look like this is the case now that I have checked into it a bit.
Malefacere is one who does evil, or at least that is my understanding of it.
I edited that line.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] 1
#12051335 - 02/17/10 11:41 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Uwase said: Yea... I try not to re-use words too much, but "two" seemed to stick out to me.. thought to be honest, I find the first stanza to be pretty "weak"... But I wasn't in a great state of mind when writing it, and I try to conserve "mental state" in things I write... So if I make an error or a certain play/emphasis on words, I keep it in there afterwords :/
Thanks for the support though
I agree, a lot of the time, I keep my work as is. I sent my book to a few editors, and just left most of my poems as is, but just wanted to tell you that i really enjoyed it, and could relate.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] 1
#12051355 - 02/17/10 11:45 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
paradox_ said:
Quote:
aghorrorag said: "who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,
what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.
It is strange, I had this notion than a warren was place some sort of animal would live. Like a den or something like that. It doesn't look like this is the case now that I have checked into it a bit.
Malefacere is one who does evil, or at least that is my understanding of it.
I edited that line.
hmm, the way you edited it makes it less clear you are talking about the women, i would stick with what you first had, or try and come up with way so it isn't awkward.
I really enjoy the poem's ominous tone.
I looked up "warren" - a place where rabbits breed or abound.
gives the poem some interesting imagery.
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Mchaggis
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 2
#12051358 - 02/17/10 11:46 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Visions of the Afterworld: fireantsandmartingourds.blogspot.com
I wrote:
Quote:
I have come to be the gambler and the thief; gambling at tomorrow and stealing all my yesterdays. I have come to be a liar and a prophet; delivering all the news that never was. I have come to be the sick and the poor; licking up the tonic water for the drink and the quinine. I have come to be the pusher and the priest; selling just to buy a way to heaven. I have come to be the dog and the horse; nipping at my own heels to pull. The more I run the faster I die and the darker the day the brighter the moon. I have come to be the gambler and the thief; losing all my yesterdays at a crooked game of tomorrow.
-------------------- I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body
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Uwase
The Untitled One
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Mchaggis] 1
#12051369 - 02/17/10 11:49 PM (14 years, 1 month ago) |
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Why I Cry
I cry because of the days we have And the nights that are sure to follow The way we always end up here Every day and every tomorrow
I cry because we lie so still Your head upon my chest The way you look as your lips come closer And we breathe each other’s breath
I cry because of the love we make All the nights we touch the sky The way the hours unnoticeably pass by When on the wings of love we fly
I cry because of the life we share The way this one has been made from two I cry because I love you And because you love me too
---Then it switches up, past-tense changing the whole poem---
I cry because of the days we had And the nights that were sure to follow The way we always ended up here Every day and every tomorrow
I cry because we lied so still Your head upon my chest The way you looked as your lips came closer And we breathed each other’s breath
I cry because of the love we made All the nights we touched the sky The way the hours unnoticeably passed by When on the wings of love we did fly
I cry because of the life we shared The way that one had been made from two I cry because I loved you And because you loved me too
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] 1
#12067661 - 02/20/10 08:17 PM (14 years, 30 days ago) |
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Warmth In Hand.
I.
as i sit, warmth in hand. i embark, upon this tree.
day transmutation, into artificial lights. darkness envelops the different shades of night.
i forecast my shadows, upon the arctic tundra, green patches of sustenance are reborn the geese incubate their eggs, ever watchful of the fox
II.
as i sit, with unholy lead in hand, i open my sacral roots hoping for a bird to understand
observing the bees of day buzzing above and around red nectar one unfurls on the pavement, a testament to the global motif.
the plastic winds howl, as the wolf lifts its head upwards towards the stars, sniffing the platinum skies.
III.
i know not of future milieu only the atmosphere may bellow, quietly quickening, may geese migrate towards the moon
and to my wayward fellow, i pray for lightning, so clouds may spark a fire ablaze, in the forests fostering your fervor.
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CtK
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 2
#12071339 - 02/21/10 02:32 PM (14 years, 29 days ago) |
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See something beautiful, flawless, exquisite Admire its contours and caress the curves Be filled with delight and yearn to be with it Buy, worship, wonder. Give what it deserves
Writhe in the ecstasy of its sensation Be savvy to its method of creation
Love it. Now break it.
Rend the pieces and make them useless Provide no quarter, teach it of ruthless
Crush, crucify, kill and crave the carnage Disfigure 'till defection and make it your bitch Mar the perfection with axe tar or sledge Hate its soul veraciously and denounce it a witch
Endear, revere then discard in a ditch
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CtK
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: CtK] 1
#12071358 - 02/21/10 02:34 PM (14 years, 29 days ago) |
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sickscared terranian slaves imprisoned within their own free decisions. make their way upon elevated ties upon sterile concrete incisions pushing through fulminating fogs during a droll predawn dreamstate opposing platforms await their turns and the unlucky exude hate functionally lit tubes trundle with their uncomfortable jerks ghost engineers steer without choice; mere grimacing clerks
oh dismal day of low lugubrious light. when will you descend? rise to us soon luminous night. on you we too depend.
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