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Offlineaghorrorag
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The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. * 8
    #12031863 - 02/15/10 01:40 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

I have gotten a go from one of the moderators to start the official "post your own poetry thread " , so this should be a sticky.

I love reading poems by amateurs as it seems to be free from literary criticism.  I think all poems are good, and I love  reading them.

In this thread, let's please be polite and sensitive to people's work.  For some people , it takes a lot of courage to share their art.  So, please be respectful.

I am hoping this can be a good thread for aspiring/casual poets to share their work with fellow psychedelic mates.

I will kick things off with a poem I wrote about a girl I once knew:

"This is a Sad Story"

and she deteriorated slowly, never heard from again
this was a sad story because all she needed was a friend
the isolation grew into infinity, and forgotten were the days of sunny smiles
now, her brain has worn out, from running endless self-conscious miles

the knight in shining armor never arrived
she was forgotten, and somewhere else he thrived
so she sat with her cats, her squirrels, her pigeons… living in the zoo in her head
people had cold, horrifying eyes
animals and jazz were her only friends

she could’ve been someone special, someone for the ages
there could’ve been stories written for hundreds of pages
she could’ve touched lives, if someone had touched her
in the end, she died not of old age, but because no one truly loved her

her story was never told
no one ever knew her name
there wasn’t much to tell
it was really a tearless shame.
especially since,
there are so many silent souls that are the same.

but, there is importance to every life,
because we can always learn
the lesson here is…
take control of the wheel, press on the gas,
close your eyes, and make the turn.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


Edited by aghorrorag (02/15/10 02:40 AM)


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] * 1
    #12034965 - 02/15/10 04:01 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Where is the sticky?


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: lukeboots] * 1
    #12035745 - 02/15/10 06:21 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

lukeboots said:
i think the mods should probably wait to see if this takes off before it gets stuck to the top of the forum...




the mod told me it would be a sticky, other wise i wouldn't have made "the official post your own poetry" thread.

i talked to a mod before... every couple weeks someone posts their poems, there should be once place where everyone can access  the creative talent of the shrooomery


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My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] * 1
    #12051225 - 02/17/10 11:21 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

paradox_ said:
Okay here is something I wrote. I like criticism so don't hold back if you have something useful to say about it. Though this is the first poem I have written without much of a rhyme scheme so yeah.



We are coming.

We are coming from our warrens
and we bring you hate and filth.
We are coming from our barrows
to throw you to your graves

We are coming with our gore
borne of fist and fury.
We are coming with our sickness
evolved from death and rage.

We are coming to your homes
and to the ground they'll raze.
We are coming to your weakness
your bones, your flesh, our plague.

We are coming for your children
to make of them our slaves.
We are coming for your women
who within we will distill fear

We are coming, us malefaceres
We are here.



Personally I think there is something off with the end of the second to last paragraph. Too many syllables maybe?




"who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,

  what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] * 1
    #12051256 - 02/17/10 11:27 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Uwase said:
Something More


Between each breath I think of you
And write another line or two
Finding words is hardly a chore
Wishing we were something more

Between each toke I think of you
Wondering how we could be less than two
From trembling lips fire burns the ground
And something more must be found

Between each drink I think of you
The kind of pain you put me through
The empty glass breaks on the floor
So I must reach for something more

Between each cut I think of you
The stupid shit you put me through
A blood-wet blade slips to the floor
And I need the help of something more

Between each chamber I think of you
With your Goddamn games I'm finally through
This one man roulette ends on the floor
Not now, not ever, to be something more





Awesome, I really enjoyed it.  My opinion is perhaps the one line that doesn't fit for me, "wondering how we could be less than two", i guess cause you ended with "two" in the second line of the first stanza, and then repeat it, unless you are doing to emphasize the theme of two.  maybe in this second line you could try to incorparate a weed metaphor calling upon the "toke" in the line above.

either way, i really enjoyed it as is.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] * 1
    #12051335 - 02/17/10 11:41 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Uwase said:
Yea... I try not to re-use words too much, but "two" seemed to stick out to me.. thought to be honest, I find the first stanza to be pretty "weak"... But I wasn't in a great state of mind when writing it, and I try to conserve "mental state" in things I write... So if I make an error or a certain play/emphasis on words, I keep it in there afterwords :/

Thanks for the support though :laugh:




I agree, a lot of the time, I keep my work as is.
  I sent my book to a few editors, and just left most of my poems as is, but just wanted to tell you that i really enjoyed it, and could relate.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] * 1
    #12051355 - 02/17/10 11:45 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

paradox_ said:
Quote:

aghorrorag said:
"who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,

  what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.




It is strange, I had this notion than a warren was place some sort of animal would live. Like a den or something like that. It doesn't look like this is the case now that I have checked into it a bit.

Malefacere is one who does evil, or at least that is my understanding of it.

I edited that line.




hmm, the way you edited it makes it less clear you are talking about the women, i would stick with what you first had, or try and come up with way so it isn't awkward.

I really enjoy the poem's ominous tone.

I looked up "warren" - a place where rabbits breed or abound.

gives the poem some interesting imagery.


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My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] * 1
    #12067661 - 02/20/10 08:17 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Warmth In Hand.


I.

as i sit,
    warmth in hand.
i embark,
    upon this tree.

  day transmutation,
    into artificial lights.
darkness envelops
  the different shades of night.

i forecast my shadows,
  upon the arctic tundra,
green patches of sustenance are reborn
    the geese incubate their eggs,
ever watchful of the fox

II.

as i sit,
  with unholy lead in hand,
i open my sacral roots
  hoping for a bird to understand

  observing the bees of day
buzzing above and around red nectar
  one unfurls on the pavement,
a testament to the global motif.

  the plastic winds howl,
as the wolf lifts its head upwards towards the stars,
  sniffing the platinum skies.

III.

i know not of future milieu
only the atmosphere may bellow,
  quietly quickening,
may geese migrate towards the moon

and to my wayward fellow,
  i pray for lightning,
so clouds may spark a fire ablaze,
in the forests fostering your fervor.


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: CtK]
    #12072643 - 02/21/10 05:56 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

CtK said:
sickscared terranian slaves imprisoned within their own free decisions.
make their way upon elevated ties upon sterile concrete incisions
pushing through fulminating fogs during a droll predawn dreamstate
opposing platforms await their turns and the unlucky exude hate
functionally lit tubes trundle with their uncomfortable jerks
ghost engineers steer without choice; mere grimacing clerks

oh dismal day of low lugubrious light. when will you descend?
rise to us soon luminous night. on you we too depend.



:thumbup:


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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: zombi]
    #12105391 - 02/26/10 10:44 PM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Lackluster Sleep

I.

In the late hours of the night, I feel no need to sleep, Phore
In the late ours of the night, the spiders of my soul
    Doth Creep. 

In the late hours of the night, the brown hooting owl swoops down,
From Above;
The Stars are like Doves, and The Full Moon is awake
Yet makes no shining sounds

On the thought of lackluster sleep, I lie awake in a cozy quintessence
In the sallow light,  damask skins become lambent iridescent
The Stars are Awake, The Moon is an Omni-Present
    And in its nurture, quite luminescent, thoughts become reminiscent

II.

In the early ours of morn’, where the mendicant moseys forlorn,
Men of honour, prepare to labour, men of coffee, who peruse
                          The Morning Paper
      Men of honour, prepare for the battles of the day
The Firing of Guns, The Sounding of Horns
While men like me
    Squander their utility away

The thought of lack of lust, as my brittle bones depreciate, I appreciate
The Wind, A subtle gust, and the puff of a cigarette
    I hope my essence lives on, when I turn to dust

III.

In the early hours of morn’, I ought to catch a Wink
Perhaps to rest . in . peace
  But still the spiders of my soul doth creep
Crawling, taking slow, vertebrae steps, Downward,
My Spine, my mouth tastes of brine
    And still the violet nightingale is perched on the wooden vine
  And still, in the battle of evermore, I cease to think

IV.

After the thought of lackluster sleep, in the heavens, where the angels keep
all of your dreams, where God counts his sheep, on thoughts of your dreams
I pray for more than sleep, I pray for her dreams
    In the heavens, where angels beam, like stars, and God is a timepiece, like the moon
And in the boiling soup of my anticipation, I no longer see
the Dark Side of the Spoon, I only see the bright side of the Loons
And pray for those with lackluster dreams


--------------------
My entire Life is defined by this link. I beg of you to read: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tsafir-kamel/a-compassionate-message-for-jews-and-christians/10150614597334779


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