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aghorrorag
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The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. 8
#12031863 - 02/15/10 01:40 AM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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I have gotten a go from one of the moderators to start the official "post your own poetry thread " , so this should be a sticky.
I love reading poems by amateurs as it seems to be free from literary criticism. I think all poems are good, and I love reading them.
In this thread, let's please be polite and sensitive to people's work. For some people , it takes a lot of courage to share their art. So, please be respectful.
I am hoping this can be a good thread for aspiring/casual poets to share their work with fellow psychedelic mates.
I will kick things off with a poem I wrote about a girl I once knew:
"This is a Sad Story"
and she deteriorated slowly, never heard from again this was a sad story because all she needed was a friend the isolation grew into infinity, and forgotten were the days of sunny smiles now, her brain has worn out, from running endless self-conscious miles
the knight in shining armor never arrived she was forgotten, and somewhere else he thrived so she sat with her cats, her squirrels, her pigeons… living in the zoo in her head people had cold, horrifying eyes animals and jazz were her only friends
she could’ve been someone special, someone for the ages there could’ve been stories written for hundreds of pages she could’ve touched lives, if someone had touched her in the end, she died not of old age, but because no one truly loved her
her story was never told no one ever knew her name there wasn’t much to tell it was really a tearless shame. especially since, there are so many silent souls that are the same.
but, there is importance to every life, because we can always learn the lesson here is… take control of the wheel, press on the gas, close your eyes, and make the turn.
Edited by aghorrorag (02/15/10 02:40 AM)
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: aghorrorag] 1
#12034965 - 02/15/10 04:01 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Where is the sticky?
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: lukeboots] 1
#12035745 - 02/15/10 06:21 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
lukeboots said: i think the mods should probably wait to see if this takes off before it gets stuck to the top of the forum...
the mod told me it would be a sticky, other wise i wouldn't have made "the official post your own poetry" thread.
i talked to a mod before... every couple weeks someone posts their poems, there should be once place where everyone can access the creative talent of the shrooomery
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] 1
#12051225 - 02/17/10 11:21 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
paradox_ said: Okay here is something I wrote. I like criticism so don't hold back if you have something useful to say about it. Though this is the first poem I have written without much of a rhyme scheme so yeah.
We are coming.
We are coming from our warrens and we bring you hate and filth. We are coming from our barrows to throw you to your graves
We are coming with our gore borne of fist and fury. We are coming with our sickness evolved from death and rage.
We are coming to your homes and to the ground they'll raze. We are coming to your weakness your bones, your flesh, our plague.
We are coming for your children to make of them our slaves. We are coming for your women who within we will distill fear
We are coming, us malefaceres We are here.
Personally I think there is something off with the end of the second to last paragraph. Too many syllables maybe?
"who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,
what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] 1
#12051256 - 02/17/10 11:27 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Uwase said: Something More
Between each breath I think of you And write another line or two Finding words is hardly a chore Wishing we were something more
Between each toke I think of you Wondering how we could be less than two From trembling lips fire burns the ground And something more must be found
Between each drink I think of you The kind of pain you put me through The empty glass breaks on the floor So I must reach for something more
Between each cut I think of you The stupid shit you put me through A blood-wet blade slips to the floor And I need the help of something more
Between each chamber I think of you With your Goddamn games I'm finally through This one man roulette ends on the floor Not now, not ever, to be something more
Awesome, I really enjoyed it. My opinion is perhaps the one line that doesn't fit for me, "wondering how we could be less than two", i guess cause you ended with "two" in the second line of the first stanza, and then repeat it, unless you are doing to emphasize the theme of two. maybe in this second line you could try to incorparate a weed metaphor calling upon the "toke" in the line above.
either way, i really enjoyed it as is.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] 1
#12051335 - 02/17/10 11:41 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Uwase said: Yea... I try not to re-use words too much, but "two" seemed to stick out to me.. thought to be honest, I find the first stanza to be pretty "weak"... But I wasn't in a great state of mind when writing it, and I try to conserve "mental state" in things I write... So if I make an error or a certain play/emphasis on words, I keep it in there afterwords :/
Thanks for the support though 
I agree, a lot of the time, I keep my work as is. I sent my book to a few editors, and just left most of my poems as is, but just wanted to tell you that i really enjoyed it, and could relate.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: paradox_] 1
#12051355 - 02/17/10 11:45 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
paradox_ said:
Quote:
aghorrorag said: "who within we will distill fear" doesn't sound right, try rewording it,
what are "warrens" , "malefaceres" ? never heard those words.
It is strange, I had this notion than a warren was place some sort of animal would live. Like a den or something like that. It doesn't look like this is the case now that I have checked into it a bit.
Malefacere is one who does evil, or at least that is my understanding of it.
I edited that line.
hmm, the way you edited it makes it less clear you are talking about the women, i would stick with what you first had, or try and come up with way so it isn't awkward.
I really enjoy the poem's ominous tone.
I looked up "warren" - a place where rabbits breed or abound.
gives the poem some interesting imagery.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: Uwase] 1
#12067661 - 02/20/10 08:17 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Warmth In Hand.
I.
as i sit, warmth in hand. i embark, upon this tree.
day transmutation, into artificial lights. darkness envelops the different shades of night.
i forecast my shadows, upon the arctic tundra, green patches of sustenance are reborn the geese incubate their eggs, ever watchful of the fox
II.
as i sit, with unholy lead in hand, i open my sacral roots hoping for a bird to understand
observing the bees of day buzzing above and around red nectar one unfurls on the pavement, a testament to the global motif.
the plastic winds howl, as the wolf lifts its head upwards towards the stars, sniffing the platinum skies.
III.
i know not of future milieu only the atmosphere may bellow, quietly quickening, may geese migrate towards the moon
and to my wayward fellow, i pray for lightning, so clouds may spark a fire ablaze, in the forests fostering your fervor.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: CtK]
#12072643 - 02/21/10 05:56 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
CtK said: sickscared terranian slaves imprisoned within their own free decisions. make their way upon elevated ties upon sterile concrete incisions pushing through fulminating fogs during a droll predawn dreamstate opposing platforms await their turns and the unlucky exude hate functionally lit tubes trundle with their uncomfortable jerks ghost engineers steer without choice; mere grimacing clerks
oh dismal day of low lugubrious light. when will you descend? rise to us soon luminous night. on you we too depend.
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aghorrorag
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Re: The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread. [Re: zombi]
#12105391 - 02/26/10 10:44 PM (13 years, 10 months ago) |
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Lackluster Sleep
I.
In the late hours of the night, I feel no need to sleep, Phore In the late ours of the night, the spiders of my soul Doth Creep.
In the late hours of the night, the brown hooting owl swoops down, From Above; The Stars are like Doves, and The Full Moon is awake Yet makes no shining sounds
On the thought of lackluster sleep, I lie awake in a cozy quintessence In the sallow light, damask skins become lambent iridescent The Stars are Awake, The Moon is an Omni-Present And in its nurture, quite luminescent, thoughts become reminiscent
II.
In the early ours of morn’, where the mendicant moseys forlorn, Men of honour, prepare to labour, men of coffee, who peruse The Morning Paper Men of honour, prepare for the battles of the day The Firing of Guns, The Sounding of Horns While men like me Squander their utility away
The thought of lack of lust, as my brittle bones depreciate, I appreciate The Wind, A subtle gust, and the puff of a cigarette I hope my essence lives on, when I turn to dust
III.
In the early hours of morn’, I ought to catch a Wink Perhaps to rest . in . peace But still the spiders of my soul doth creep Crawling, taking slow, vertebrae steps, Downward, My Spine, my mouth tastes of brine And still the violet nightingale is perched on the wooden vine And still, in the battle of evermore, I cease to think
IV.
After the thought of lackluster sleep, in the heavens, where the angels keep all of your dreams, where God counts his sheep, on thoughts of your dreams I pray for more than sleep, I pray for her dreams In the heavens, where angels beam, like stars, and God is a timepiece, like the moon And in the boiling soup of my anticipation, I no longer see the Dark Side of the Spoon, I only see the bright side of the Loons And pray for those with lackluster dreams
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