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 JackofSpades
Peace
Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 2,897
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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 I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. 
#11761974 - 01/03/10 10:37 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thats a quote from Pitch Black but it really does relate to my situation at this moment.
I believe in God and I fucking hate him/it/me.
I've had moments on ayahuasca/dmt/lsd/mushrooms where I see all the love and peace and perfection and infinite wonder but you know what?
FUCK THAT.
I don't care. I don't give a fuck. I feel fucking horrible. I can't recall the last time I felt fucking good about myself when not on a substance.
I fucking meditate every day, I try and be nice to people (even when I feel like cutting everyone's throat), I try to do the right thing, I exercise, I run, I go to therapy, fuck, i even did a fucking isolation tank the other day and this fucking shit still rots and eats away at me literally EVERY fucking second of the day
This shit inside of me has destroyed or is currently destroying nearly every relationship I'm involved in. I have so much fucking social anxiety because I can't fucking feel anything.
FUCK THIS. FUCK GOD. FUCK EVERYTHING. ALL I feel is perpetual fucking hatred and CONSTANT I MEAN CONSTANT FUCKING FEAR.
FUCK.
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  If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
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 rackem
Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 14,024
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762012 - 01/03/10 10:43 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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dude take a vacation...
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JD2012
Registered: 12/22/09
Posts: 223
Last seen: 14 years, 3 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762018 - 01/03/10 10:44 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Pitch Black was a good movie.
Anyways, try to find some time for yourself in a different environment to relax and help through your current situation.
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762020 - 01/03/10 10:44 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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I'm going through the same thing, all I can do is hope that this too will pass, just a temporary phase of my life that is shitty.
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themostpurple
Stranger
Registered: 06/30/09
Posts: 2,224
Last seen: 13 years, 3 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: EternalCowabunga]
#11762035 - 01/03/10 10:46 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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this post reminded me of how awesome of a movie pitch black is, thank you.
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-_-_-_-
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Salomon
ಠ︵ಠ balance ಠ_ಠ weaver ಠ‿ಠ
Registered: 01/17/09
Posts: 25,128
Loc: America, FUCK YEAH 
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762046 - 01/03/10 10:48 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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lets say god came out of your head and told you to suck his dick.
would you do it?
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EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BECOMES A DESERT 
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JackofSpades
Peace
Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 2,897
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JD2012]
#11762063 - 01/03/10 10:50 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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I just feel like fucking exploding and killing someone. But I don't and it just like boils my shit worse.
But like the one dude said, its just a stage and it should pass but like thats what i mean, wtf, if god is god why isn't everything just peace and love?
why is there suffering? its like a sick joke we pretend isn't going on.
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If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
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Polky09
Stranger
Registered: 01/23/08
Posts: 85
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: EternalCowabunga]
#11762064 - 01/03/10 10:50 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Eat some xanax would be my short term answer. Long term though, try and drop your guard, talk to someone you know and trust about what you are going through and spend some quality time with those you love. Try and take a break of whatever situation is bothering you and live as best you can without any distractions for a week or two. I wish you the best of luck. I felt the same way as you last summer for a period of some time. I am still healing but it feels much better now.
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JackofSpades
Peace
Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 2,897
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: Salomon]
#11762069 - 01/03/10 10:51 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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is there a deeper meaning behind this question or are you just asking me if i would suck god's dick
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If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
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Polky09
Stranger
Registered: 01/23/08
Posts: 85
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: Polky09]
#11762071 - 01/03/10 10:52 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Really like ur sig btw.
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blewmeanie
Registered: 10/01/06
Posts: 28,984
Loc:
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762080 - 01/03/10 10:54 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Have you considered that maybe the way you feel is the result of your own actions and is the perspective that you've chosen to adopt?
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crackawebsta
The Near Future
Registered: 12/17/06
Posts: 1,361
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: blewmeanie]
#11762094 - 01/03/10 10:59 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Just on of those days when you don't wnna wake up! everything is FUCKED everybody SUCKS! 
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"It's all just a dream, babe
A vacuum, a scheme, babe
That sucks you into feelin' like this."
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Salomon
ಠ︵ಠ balance ಠ_ಠ weaver ಠ‿ಠ
Registered: 01/17/09
Posts: 25,128
Loc: America, FUCK YEAH
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762099 - 01/03/10 11:00 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
JackofSpades said:
is there a deeper meaning behind this question or are you just asking me if i would suck god's dick
i used to have a hard core christian friend whom i would ask this question.
he never awnsered.
the question is really asking: "would you do ANYTHING your god demanded?"
(and i wanated him to inadvertantly admit to being gay )
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EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BECOMES A DESERT
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JackofSpades
Peace
Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 2,897
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: blewmeanie]
#11762104 - 01/03/10 11:02 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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yes and ive been trying to change it. and i have actually but its like slowly peeling a bandaid off and you wonder why it was there to begin with.
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If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
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blewmeanie
Registered: 10/01/06
Posts: 28,984
Loc:
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762175 - 01/03/10 11:16 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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You should try really sitting down and examining the details of your life, the decisions you've made, and the perspective you've adopted in making those decisions....you know, just to get an idea of where you're at in life beyond all the bullshit and stress.
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niteowl
GrandPaw
Registered: 07/01/03
Posts: 16,291
Loc:
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762221 - 01/03/10 11:28 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Live for the moment you are in nowDon't be bogged down by your pastDon't be afraid of what lies in your future
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stereolab
Wizard
Registered: 06/08/09
Posts: 941
Loc: NY
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: blewmeanie]
#11762239 - 01/03/10 11:31 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Well, you don't really need people. If all or most of your problems stem for social problems, I wouldn't consider it TOO big of a deal. Yes, it sucks, I've been there before (I was kinda anti-social/had social anxiety in high school) but you just have to deal with it and focus on the good.
Drugs won't solve your problems.
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Space is
the Place
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fiddle
Registered: 04/10/08
Posts: 1,769
Loc: PNW
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: stereolab]
#11762394 - 01/03/10 11:53 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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It sounds like you need to leave for a while. Like, Into the Wild style.
Ok, maybe nothing that drastic, but go hike across Europe or some shit. Do something you've always wanted to do. Go get lost and find your way back.
Do something different for a change, and don't do it because you're trying to fix yourself or find some sort of happy wonderful place within your own head. Do it just because you can, stir things up.
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Tickle my bassline.
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JackofSpades
Peace
Registered: 03/01/09
Posts: 2,897
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: fiddle]
#11762405 - 01/03/10 11:56 PM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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honestly i would love to do that.
problem is...im in college right now and im stuck there and i can't go abroad until literally a year.
i think ill blow my fucking head off unless something changes...
maybe i should just pull an into the wild...i've been wanting to do it for years, fear holds me back.
im so fucking emotionally off center.
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If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
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stereolab
Wizard
Registered: 06/08/09
Posts: 941
Loc: NY
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Re: I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely Hate the fucker. [Re: JackofSpades]
#11762438 - 01/04/10 12:04 AM (14 years, 3 months ago) |
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Read Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson. I'd say that book was almost as enlightening as the sum of all my psychedelic trips to this point.
Have you tried MDMA? It's possible that it might help soften the ego (not shatter it) and allow you to see yourself in a beautiful, more optimistic way.
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Space is
the Place
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