A lot of things happened since I tripped last time - college, girlfriend, now university. I remembered about my past experiences, but only rationally, not on an intimate level as right after a trip.
I wanted to repeat the experience with primary purposes of wrapping up events in my life and having a peak on myself from another, more sober perspective.
These were weak cubensis, so I measured up 2.5g and somehow forced it into myself with a yogurt and a cup of ginger tea.
I was curious how the effects would differ from the last trips? Would I feel anxious, go blind and see insane visions, crawl around in fear (didn't had that one for a while)? I was told that my experiences are a bit unusual for doses I take, so I buckled up for the shit storm.
First effects kicked in about 20 minutes and soon I was looking at the clock trying to figure out how infinity can fit into 5 minutes.
In the year before this I read a lot of literature, worked with my mind and how I think, and just generally undergone a change on a fundamental level.
The trip engulfed me as it always did, but this time I did not felt mesmerized and out of control. Scary, strange visions started popping into my mind - I was finding aspects about the world that were shattering my normal view of reality. Another shatter, another, another..
Soon I became an observer of an intriguing view - versions of reality, one by one, were raised from the bottom up like high rise buildings in a stop motion video.
One of these buildings was my own view, but as more and more buildings appeared, I felt how insignificant and small my home was in the perspective of this phantasmagorial metropolis.
On my previous trips, this was the moment of panic that I typically didn't survive, thus making the remainder of the trip like a face down fall on the stairs.
The problem, I thought, was that I couldn't isolate something in myself that was not a part of the original building - something that could function outside of it.
This time I was prepared for what was coming, although I wasn't sure about my ability to actually cope with it and remain somewhat sane. First things first, don't panic. At this point you can't have a factual assurance that you shouldn't worry, but you'll just have to trust yourself.
The next step was to find something that could remain unchanged in the midst of visions, to separate the vision and the visionary. Suddenly I felt like I was in control - I wasn't sure where or who I was, all I remembered was my promise that I am safe - and I clinged to that. As I calmed down, I finally found the observer - I found that chair on which I can sit while zooming through the visions.
Worlds that appeared were complete and comprehensive. I realized how subjective the experience of reality is. In fact, the experience IS the reality. This is how we define it, but think it's a thing out there dictating it's own rules. No, it's just what we end up with as human beings living in a society. Out there, beyond it, it's a free-for-all flux that can be molded into anything - not just daily reality.
Just as I made a promise to myself that I would be fine during the trip, I know made (again) the promise that I wouldn't forget the nature of reality that I have seen.
I don't truly know the value of these visions, but I know about my goal. I first want to be constantly aware of a few "neighbors" around my worldview and see where that gets me. If I hit significant problems or dangers, I'll roll back. Other than that, I just need to get myself together and make a step that would change me beyond the self that I know.
Before I knew it, I was already rolling down the slope of intensity that follows the peak. Not head down, but hopping from one building to another, until I hit my sweet home and everything snapped into place.
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