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OfflinePhluck
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David Cross is the greatest.
    #1131771 - 12/11/02 08:25 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

This is an article David Cross wrote for Vice magazine.

Whether they?re taped to the window of your local pepper spray boutique, stuck on the bumper of a P.T. Cruiser, or ?bedazzled? onto the sweater of every substitute teacher from sea to murky sea, you can find them virtually everywhere: American flags. And what goes better with American flags than a big ol? helping of the phrase, ?God Bless America?? The two go hand in hand, like the Midwest and morbidly obese fat people.

It has become the incessant plea of a nation, a cry for help. Mostly it sounds like a demand: ?God Bless America!?

God Bless America. What? more, you mean? For fuck?s sake, this is already the most blessed citizenry in the history of the world. Unless you include the initially blessed but then severely under-blessed Native American Indians, who, at one point, had all they could ever want ? free, clean water, pemmican, and other bullshit like that ? but then, for some unknown reason, gave it all up. (Anyway, this is America. Got it, Cochise? Now quit your bitchin? and enjoy the loose slots.)

Seems you can?t walk 20 feet without seeing some variation of the flag waving around, all up in a brother?s face, being all flaggy and shit. Reminding people of what it looks like. What is this, May Day? Am I at a military parade in old-timey Russia? Now it goes without saying that the flag never looked better than when it is flapping around on a German-made ?Sports Utility Vehicle? (key word: ?sports?) driven by some cunt-flavored trophy wife scooting down her driveway to drop the help off somewhere near the bus station, but enough?s enough already. It?s time to start divvying up God?s abundant blessings with some of the less blessed countries we sort of share the planet with. I mean, even the inner-city, crack-addicted preemie, born in a toilet stall and abandoned an hour later in the snack-food aisle at Food 4 Less is automatically luckier than 98% of the rest of the world. So why don?t we help everyone else out by taking a ?National Week Off From Praying To God.? I propose one full week of not yelling at God for help. Let?s let the third world have a crack at the big guy. Plus, maybe it?ll divert attention from this annoying notion of relieving their debt.

And also, consider America for a second. Whenever I hear a politician, priest, CEO, or any other common garden-variety evildoer say ?God Bless America,? I think to myself, ?Do they think God is blessing us because of, or, in spite of, the fact that this is a nation of atheists, socialists, homos, niggers, kikes, feminists, baby killers, and drug-addicted foreigners AND whores?? If America was a person it would be the coke-addled niece of some mega-millionaire that complained when their eggs didn?t have the right consistency and sent them back to the waiter without ever making eye contact (aka an asshole that you really want to beat the shit out of). It wouldn?t be so bothersome if these willfully ignorant, billboard-wearing parrots showed even the slightest bit of awareness as to exactly how they are able to live the pathetically uninteresting, Billy Joel-loving, TGIFridays Bloomin? Onion-eating, Ben Affleck-movie-watching lives they lead. It sure ain?t because of the imaginary blessings of Invisible Grandpa (or ?God,? as most people refer to him).

As the great social and political satirist Barry Crimmons once said after receiving the spit-filled vitriol of someone who didn?t agree with his jaundiced view of America and asked Barry, ?Oh yeah? If you don?t like America so much, why don?t you move to another country??:

?Because, I don?t want to be victimized by its foreign policy.?

God bless the USA. DAVIDCROSS


--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us


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InvisibleDazedSol
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Registered: 08/01/01
Posts: 1,230
Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: Phluck]
    #1131967 - 12/11/02 10:26 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Does Vice Magazine have a web site?


--------------------
Peace,
Adam


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OfflinePhluck
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Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: DazedSol]
    #1132025 - 12/11/02 10:44 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

viceland.com


--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us


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OfflinePhluck
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Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: Phluck]
    #1132609 - 12/11/02 02:36 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Allow me to toss in the drug war one too, because I know you guys just eat this shit up:

DRUG WAR ENDS IN HUGE SUCCESS!!!
There?s a headline you?ll never see, unless it?s Backwards Day (which I am still trying to get Congress to officially recognize). Unfortunately, the War on Drugs (hereafter to be referred to as ?Randy?) seems to be getting marginalized these days. Everyone?s attention has shifted to even more unwinnable battles like the War on Terrorism and The Osbournes.

Used to be, if you asked Americans whether they would like their increasingly limited tax dollars spent on education, food, opportunity, or medicine for their families, they?d say, ?Fuck the kids! Send my money far, far away and make right-wing guerrillas kill all the villagers they can. And hey, while you?re at it, can you throw all those lazy, lottery-ticket-buying, good-for-nothing-but-day-labor niggers in jail for life? They scare me.?

But is Randy winnable? Can we really become history?s first clean and sober nation? Hell yeah, bitch! All we have to do is identify the people that use drugs and eliminate them. Then we need to find the reasons behind drug use and eliminate those, too.

WHO DOES DRUGS?
Almost everybody. Okay, fine, so what?s the reason why? Why?! Because they are all bored out of their fucking skulls, that?s why. Come on, what?s wrong with you? Have you looked around at your fellow ?dude? lately? He?s a fucking infant that will never contribute anything of value to anyone, ever. This dude can be found in every class, too.

UPPER CLASS
Any retard can don a $3,000 linen suit, fly to Majorca, and parasail, but it takes a special kind of adventurer to purchase, cook, and shoot some killer shit brought back from Tora Bora. We will kill these guys through the magic of overdosing. They won?t mind, either, because they?ll be famous forever amongst their stupid, boring, rich friends.

MIDDLE CLASS
Still trying desperately to squeeze a drop of happiness out of that catalogue of unaffordable shit they saw at Kyle and Theresa?s house. It?s unaffordable because they keep buying blow so that they can stay out and party, which they have to do or they will go nuts because they just put in a 65-hour week that they have to work so they can afford to keep buying the blow, etc, etc, round and round. We?ll give them heart attacks and cancer to make them die.

WORKING CLASS
Then, traveling further down, we find the absolutely hopeless, minimum-wage-earning, heartbreaking (yet awe-inspiring in their capacity to expand the concept of ?loser?) worker ants. They?re the poor fuckers who have to work a shitty, mind-dissolving job for some equally bitter asshole who makes all his employees? lives miserable because he knows that they hate him and he hates them too, the whole time ignoring the fact that everyone is just getting deeper in debt. There?s not as much work to be done with these people because most of them wise up and kill themselves, doing the job for us.

DOWN AND OUT
And finally as low as we can go to the federally subsidized lump of less than nothing, who figured out long ago that if they don?t mind living amongst human shit and pork rinds they can a) get a couple of bucks from Uncle Sam and b) drink moonshine all day. They only live till twenty anyway, so there?s that.

SOLUTION
Okay, so we?ve identified the who?s and the why?s and eliminated them all, but what about the long-term solution? Obviously we need to find a viable and affordable replacement to fill the void left by an absence of those desperately needed, reality-avoiding, delicious and fun drugs that God, in his (open to discussion) wisdom, has seen fit to shower upon us.

After taking a small hit of speed, I walked over to a friend?s apartment where I smoked a super-quick bowl and then headed out to the library to do some research. I was almost there when the Vicodins started to kick in, so I stopped in at this one bar to get a quick pop. I was just about to put my money in the Golden Tee 2003 machine when I remembered something from way the fuck back in my memory. I remembered seeing a bumper sticker on a nun?s mini-fridge (a long, weird story for another time) that seemed silly at the time, but all of a sudden its stunning simplicity and eloquence overcame me. The bumper sticker said, ?Hugs, Not Drugs.? Fucking hugs!

I didn?t realize that I was crying for the first few minutes. Everything was effortlessly fitting into place like a jigsaw puzzle made for the nearly blind. It was all making sense now. Perhaps the combo platter of drugs was influencing my emotional state, but perhaps not.

How could we be so shortsighted? There it was, in front of us the whole time. Quietly beseeching us with the wide-eyed, sweetly dumb innocence of a turn-of-the-century Canadian child. I was so happy, even blissful, that I gladly ate the pinkish pill that what?s-her-name gave me at the Blonde Redhead show. My mind became a crystal-clear lake with fabulous, friendly sea creatures in it, all helping me to understand concepts previously hidden from me. ?Jesus, why are we stopping at hugs?!? I shouted. ?Here?s an even better idea: fucking free, federally subsidized, ice cream socials!? I was sobbing in great heaving waves, the tears blurring my vision. ?Listen to me! Every one of you glorious idiots! Here?s the answer: free make-your-own-sundae bars!!?

The guys at the bar who were dressed up as cops decided to help me outside. ?Do it for Randy!!? I didn?t care about the barf that I was excitedly placing all over me and the bar, for I had found the solution! ?Ice Cream and Hugs! I love my life!!?

DAVIDCROSS


--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us


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OfflineLearyfan
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Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: Phluck]
    #1132930 - 12/11/02 04:40 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

ROTFLMAO

Thank you!

SUYFB


MRTBROD



--------------------
--------------------------------


Mp3 of the month: Johnny Price- Marijuana, The Devil Flower



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OfflinePhluck
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Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: Learyfan]
    #1132966 - 12/11/02 04:52 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah, his album is AMAZING.
Mr. Show is some of the best satire in recent years.

Oh yeah, I'm sure you've heard of Run Ronnie Run, which may or may not be released, but you can actually get the whole thing on Kazaa. It's pretty good, not as good as the show, but Bob and David have said that they were disapointed with the studio's edit, and wanted a different one to be made, but of course it wasn't.


--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us


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OfflineMurex
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Registered: 07/28/02
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Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: Phluck]
    #1133143 - 12/11/02 05:59 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Is he kinda along the lines of Bill Hicks?


--------------------
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?



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Invisiblebivalve
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Registered: 07/22/00
Posts: 3,108
Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: Murex]
    #1133177 - 12/11/02 06:09 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

No, he's actually funny and stuff. Instead of
being not funny.



Edited by bivalve (12/11/02 06:12 PM)


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OfflinePhluck
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Re: David Cross is the greatest. [Re: bivalve]
    #1133198 - 12/11/02 06:22 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Hehe. Yeah, I said something like that to someone too. They were all offended. Bill Hicks had a few funny moments, but really, he wasn't THAT hilarious. He had a lot of viewpoints, and if you agreed with him, you'd laugh along, but David Cross is much funnier.


--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us


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