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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Fear of intimacy with a man...
    #1131409 - 12/11/02 11:33 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Over the past 6 months or so I have been looking at a particular aspect of myself I don't quite have a handle on but it's disturbing me and wonder what some of you think. It comes up again now for me because I have felt a connection with some of you out there whom I have never even met and have felt the same fears that I have when it comes to dealing with people in person.

I just can't seem to allow myself to get truly close with a man. There is something in me that always wants to keep my distance. You can imagine how this has played out in my freindships but I do have one friend that I have had for 15 years who is as sick and disturbed as me (we were both raised mormons in a very repressive mormon town in Idaho).

I have anxiety attacks almost when I see potential friendships emerging. I run away as fast as I can. I have a certain fear of men in general. It has dissapated as I have aged. I was beaten as a child, though they called it spanking. I think that is where it comes from.

Sometimes I think I might use this machine to remain distant from the good men that are right here in my town....

How can I evolve out of this? How can I encourage myself to feel safe and vulnerable with a man when I am usually in reaction to a fear of being physically hurt? I truly desire good male friendships but I also can't stand the usual guy thing ie small talk, football, and just plain old machoness. I think myself as being fairly balanced but I think some men see me as feminine.

I know this is not the self help psycology forum but this came up for me yesterday as a result of hanging out here....


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


Edited by upupup (12/11/02 11:37 AM)


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Offlinenubious
1up on the rest

Registered: 10/20/02
Posts: 534
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1131423 - 12/11/02 11:40 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Well, I'm willing to make an attempt at this one, but I'm a little unclear on your gender... I'm assuming your female.. correct / confirm and I'll go ahead with my post.


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No one knows the worth of innocence till he knows it is gone forever, and that money can't buy it back. Not the saint, but the sinner that repenteth, is he to whom the full length and breadth, and height and depth, of life's meaning is revealed. Good and evil loose all objective meaning and are seen as equally necessary and contrasting elements in the masterpiece that is the universe.


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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: nubious]
    #1131764 - 12/11/02 08:21 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Nope. I am a man....


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1131929 - 12/11/02 10:02 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

I thought this might be a little scary...it was for me.....


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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OfflineAdamist
ℚṲℰϟ✞ЇѺℵ ℛ∃Åʟḯ†У
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/24/01
Posts: 10,211
Loc: Bloomington, IN
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1132142 - 12/11/02 11:33 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

I truly desire good male friendships but I also can't stand the usual guy thing ie small talk, football, and just plain old machoness. I think myself as being fairly balanced but I think some men see me as feminine.

I hear ya. But for me this isn't just restricted to males. I'm like this with everyone... but for me, I have grown to like it. I like being alone most of my time, because I can concentrate and focus better, and it's easier to keep my mind from becoming superficial like many minds do in groups. But if you don't like being alone, then well, I think you should just be as nice and open as possible. You may get alot of shit for it, but you will also get respect and a most likely a few *true* friends along the way...  :smile: 


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:heartpump: { { { ṧ◎ηḯ¢ αʟ¢ℌ℮мƴ } } } :heartpump:


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OfflineAmber_Glow
Sat Chit Anand

Registered: 09/02/02
Posts: 1,543
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup] * 1
    #1132175 - 12/11/02 11:41 AM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Is it just that you can't relate to other people and form friendships with them?

If you found a person to have very desirable qualities and didn't rap to you about useless shit, would you be able to have a good friendship with them, or would you still back away?


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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: Amber_Glow]
    #1132274 - 12/11/02 12:19 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

It's just with men. I can relate to almost everyone as my experiences have been many. It's the getting close part.

I would probably back away from them anyway.

The weird thing is that since I made this post this morning I have noticed that I am working harder at being open and vulnerable....


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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InvisibleZero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1132372 - 12/11/02 12:55 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

maybe you feel betrayed deep down inside by them, im assuming you were beaten or "spanked" as they call it by them. + from my knowledge of mormonism they are allowed a lot of wives. so i would think that maybe you feel overpowered like a force that drives at you so hard so when you think about men you feel like your shackled down and they can do anything they want to you so you back away. i hope the way i said that doesnt offend you, i only say cause i can relate. ive always been really sensitive i think cause i when i trust someone i really TRUST them, and being a child and innocent i had these traits but people liked to turn on me so i got in some bad situations, got hurt, seen bad shit. but my desire and want for love overpowered my desire to feel hurt. i mean where that goes i cant say. but maybe realizing that not all men are the same, that there are some people that are unlike those you have ever met in your life may give you an oppertuninty to feel close to them again. it may take emotional work, if you can let go of your emotional memory from past experiences and let new ones enter you may be able to correct the damage and form more intimate relationships. i never had friends for a long time, and the ones i thought i had were just bitches again, but then i found one of the coolest people and have continued finding them even now still meeting really cool people. and maybe even talking to people on here will lessen the severity you percieve when you meet other males :smile:. i hope the best for you and hope i could be of some use and reflection for you.


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What?


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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: Zero7a1]
    #1132412 - 12/11/02 01:09 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

Good feedback. It reminds me that I aslo have what could be described as a "cop" voice almost that tells me how to conform. It is closly linked to me overall fears of other men....


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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OfflineMurex
Reality Hacker

Registered: 07/28/02
Posts: 3,599
Loc: Traped in a shell.
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1132445 - 12/11/02 01:21 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

The best advise from me is to just try to overcome your fear. It shouldn't be any more complicated.

:wink:


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What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?



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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: Murex]
    #1132459 - 12/11/02 01:25 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

coplicated = interwoven....show me a weaving that is not complicated.....


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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OfflineMurex
Reality Hacker

Registered: 07/28/02
Posts: 3,599
Loc: Traped in a shell.
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1132479 - 12/11/02 01:31 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

coplicated = interwoven....show me a weaving that is not complicated.....

I was refering to my answer I gave. It is simplified.


--------------------
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?



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Invisiblechodamunky
Cheers!

Registered: 02/28/02
Posts: 2,030
Loc: sailing the seas of chees...
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1133140 - 12/11/02 05:57 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

im a little confused, since u are male, and have a fear of intimacy with men, i am assuming you are gay. correct? if no, why would you want to have intimacy with a man?


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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: chodamunky]
    #1133197 - 12/11/02 06:21 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

No I am not gay nor am I geh as they like to say on OTD...

What would the point of any friendship be without intamacy?

If I was not able to just be myself or I felt hindered in expressing whatever than I am not serving that relationship, thus, no point it the interaction or relationship. It would be the same as my relationship with people whom I have "casual" relationships with.


--------------------
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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InvisibleZero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: chodamunky] * 1
    #1133239 - 12/11/02 06:44 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

just to clear things up. intimacy is a close bond. you take it sexually from my deductions but its just term used to define a closeness b/w people :wink:. you have an intimate group of friends... close. etc.  :wink: :laugh:


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What?


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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: Zero7a1]
    #1133243 - 12/11/02 06:46 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

how is it that people are getting I am going anywhere sexual with any of this except for the fact that it has to do with gender?

I never said anything about sexuality at all? I admit that I thought people would take this in a sexual way when I posted it but in my own way I guess this is kind of a certain therapy in that I am trying to stretch and be vulnerable with you all in a certain way.

Can you imagine this post in OTD?.....


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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InvisibleZero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1135511 - 12/12/02 02:01 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

i dont know, i think some people just arent familliar with certain vocabulary, i mean we all arent completely literate i guess... i dont know why people think that i mean when i looked at the title i must be honest it crossed my mind but it didnt strike me as what you were talking about when you wrote your post. they probably just dont know whats its like to have gone through what you do. i can see what you were saying, i mean for me it was hard for a long time to be intimate relationships with anyone, i didnt really trust anyone. but eventually i lightened up and its all good now. what kind of stuff is in the OTD... i havent really looked at it but i think its random posts right? no i dont think this post belongs there, i think it has a good place here :smile: . there has been people whove posted questions in here relating to there relationships, i dont think its out of this forum if thats what yours asking :wink: . :smile:


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What?


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OfflineSnuffelzFurever
Psychonaut

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 734
Loc: Miami, florida
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1135542 - 12/12/02 02:17 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

im not even suggesting you might remotely possibly be gay, but have you grown up being taught homosexuality is wrong? how do you react to it?
i can think of two answers if it has nothing to do with homophobia:

1. if you dont mind trying, take pure MDMA in a psychiatric setting (you might be able to find a therapist who will do this with you. if you cant, get a very trusted friend, and do it with them). MDMA is good for opening up temporarily, and that to me, seems to be the only benefit. I'm not the kinda person who rolls cuz it feels good (anymore. ive rolled once in the past 8 months)

2. try meditation and spiritual healing. you might be able to find a yoga center in town. i've noticed most people who do yoga/excercise/meditate are very happy people

good luck. be happy you have a headstart on other people with this kinda problem. i dont think most people recognize their problems, and just deny them. you confront. thats good :-)


--------------------
"I think it's time we stop
Children, What's the sound,
Everybody look what's going down"


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Offlineupupup
guardian

Registered: 08/25/01
Posts: 889
Loc: George "I love Hitler" Bu...
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1135617 - 12/12/02 02:45 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

What an amazing bunch of folks out there....thanks for all the input.

I just wanted to update a bit-
Since posting the original post I have had all kinds of opportunity to begin to work on this thing. It seems that if a person is open to it and ready to do something different that the universe supports that....too cool

Thanks again...


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


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InvisibleZero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: Fear of intimacy with a man... [Re: upupup]
    #1135787 - 12/12/02 03:51 PM (13 years, 11 months ago)

always :smile:


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What?


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