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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 6,808
Loc: Time and Space
A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty
    #11304116 - 10/23/09 03:53 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

I don't know how honest this dialogue is. When I thought it up, it seemed to me to make a lot of sense. The rational behind my resentments and anger, and behavior.

When I was just a little younger, I hated the world SO much. I hated everyone incredibly. I felt, more so, than anyone else in the world. I remember, if I saw you in nice business clothes with a confident stride and a smile on your face, I wanted terrible terrible things to happen to you. I resented you because I felt awkward in my own body and clothing, and your happiness reflected my misery.

I would look in the mirror while getting a haircut and resent the hairdresser for having a mirror there so I had to look at my ugly face the whole time while my hair was getting butchered. I'd go home and look in the mirror and I'd get so angry I'd scream and cry and rip out my bed sheets from the bed and beat the pillows and wrap myself up in the blanket and roll on the ground groaning and crying.

I'm telling you this because all of this made me feel special. I felt like nobody could relate to the pain I was in, the pain I took such a great part in inflicting on myself, and still do to a large extent today. Nobody hated the world as much as I did, or hated themselves as much as I did. Nobody understood. I was alone. A large portion of my childhood was dedicated to trying to be as evil as I could be because I felt that was my only value and worth in the world - being a destructive person. I hated my twin brother because he thought he was special, but I was the special one.

That's the back story to this short dialogue that I came up with

Me: I resent you because I MUST be nice to you and I don't like limiting my expression
Other: Why do you have to be nice?
Me: Because if i'm not nice I'm an asshole, and I musn't be that
Other: Why can't you be an asshole?
Me: Because then I'm like my brother, and I musn't be like him
Other: Why not?
Me: Because he is a loser and losers don't get laid and I must get laid
Other: Why must you get laid?
Me: Because then I'll fit in with everyone else and I won't have to be insecure about my sexuality, but I must also not get laid so I am special and nobody is like me
Other: Why must nobody be like you?
Me: Because if people are like me, I have no reason for feeling inferior or superior to people and then if I'm like everyone else, I'm not important
Other: Why can't you be unimportant?
Me: Because then the Universe doesn't owe me anything and I will be a fool for all the things I have taken for granted my entire life
Other: Why can't you be a fool?
Me: Because I must be perfect - I must not allow myself to make mistakes
Other: Why must you be perfect?
Me: Because I believe the Universe demands I be perfect
Other: Why do you believe that?
Me: Because my parents and teachers put pressure on me to do well in school and I got in trouble when I made mistakes
Other: Do you still need to believe you are perfect?
Me: Only until I am confident that I can be not perfect and still survive, that life will go on although I will be humbled

I believe that I may have resisted humbleness my entire life because of the belief that I am perfect or need to be perfect and had the pride which made me think that all the things I had in life were because they were owed to me, because of my perfect nature.

I ask my higher power, the one with wisdom and insight, to humble me today and bring me closer to self-honesty.

Thank you for letting me share this. I wrote this down in my journal but I thought maybe somebody else could get something out of it, if only as a reminder of a time when they were baffled by the world and felt the disease of terminal uniqueness.


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InvisibleLakefingers

Registered: 08/26/05
Posts: 6,439
Loc: mumuland
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11304218 - 10/23/09 04:32 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

I can see the purpose in putting this in front of yourself in representation, especially in writing or dialog.

When we go back we can find many reasons for things and "recreate" events as they were or as we imagine they were essentially. Some of this becomes ad hoc fantasy though, as with all psychological narratives.

Learning that you're not responsible for maintaining yourself according to the reflective feedback you try to keep yourself in check with and fight against, can shed a lot of weight from your back.

It's easy to think we should get undue respect for just being who we are, or liking people because they simply take our side or liking ourselves simply because we're different.  Some people seem to learn, when they enter adulthood, that the world owes them nothing and that they are not unique snowflakes, brilliant rays of light, sent to earth to bless or curse everyone with their independent ways.


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OfflinejivJaN
yes
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Registered: 08/09/08
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Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11304225 - 10/23/09 04:33 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Show us what you look like


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---------------------

All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional.
They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively.
I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life  and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal.
If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..


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Invisiblederanger
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 6,840
Loc: off the wall
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11304233 - 10/23/09 04:37 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

EternalCowabunga said:
Thank you for letting me share this. I wrote this down in my journal but I thought maybe somebody else could get something out of it, if only as a reminder of a time when they were baffled by the world and felt the disease of terminal uniqueness.




:thumbup:


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 6,808
Loc: Time and Space
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: jivJaN]
    #11304244 - 10/23/09 04:41 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

jivJaN said:
Show us what you look like




Hahah.. i'd like to retain some mystery of who I am here.. there's such a thing as too much exposure


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 6,808
Loc: Time and Space
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11304263 - 10/23/09 04:48 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Ahh, I kind of do want to post my picture, as it might aid in the effectiveness of my story. To prove or disprove something, I guess... if one wanted to do that

So here it is. My first shroomery pic since i've registered

http://www.mypicx.com/10232009/EC/


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OfflinejivJaN
yes
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Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
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Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11304282 - 10/23/09 05:02 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

just do it


--------------------



---------------------

All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional.
They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively.
I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life  and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal.
If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 6,808
Loc: Time and Space
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: jivJaN]
    #11304289 - 10/23/09 05:05 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

i did.. unless the link isn't working and only i can see it


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OfflinejivJaN
yes
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Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: jivJaN]
    #11304292 - 10/23/09 05:08 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

ahahahahahahaahah

i thought you were gonna be hideous.
ur actually aight.

if ur not getting laid... its not because of your looks.


--------------------



---------------------

All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional.
They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively.
I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life  and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal.
If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineJasonVira
Stronger, Healthier, Happier!
Male


Registered: 10/09/09
Posts: 426
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11304410 - 10/23/09 06:22 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

EternalCowabunga said:
Quote:

jivJaN said:
Show us what you look like




Hahah.. i'd like to retain some mystery of who I am here.. there's such a thing as too much exposure







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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 6,808
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Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: jivJaN]
    #11304425 - 10/23/09 06:29 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

thanks

no it has more to do with lack of self esteem, lack of self respect and lack of confidence around women

i'm either very timid or way too aggressive, and it's not good :smirk:


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OfflineXeny

Registered: 02/15/08
Posts: 332
Loc: Berchem Flag
Last seen: 4 years, 7 months
Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11304492 - 10/23/09 07:44 AM (7 years, 11 months ago)

On my behalf there's nothing wrong with some inconfidence.

Accepting yourself is a bitch, for all of us.
Changing has no use and we can't.


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Ik hou van je

While you're still sleeping the saints are still weepin' cause things you call dead haven't yet had the chance to be born. -Scatman John


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OfflineAhimsa
Male

Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 1,790
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Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11305878 - 10/23/09 02:27 PM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Hey man. Respect. What's wrong with that. Your probably a very cool dude once people get to know you... Oh and remember, it's not up to you to make people feel better, no matter what, you are not responsible for how someone else feels. Unless you caused them harm. :mad2: On the contrary, you're only responsible for your own feelings. I don't think there is only one way for everyone. Instead there's a different way of development of life for everyone...

Admirable such honesty.  :photographer:


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InvisibleLunarEclipse
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Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11307051 - 10/23/09 05:43 PM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

EternalCowabunga said:
thanks

no it has more to do with lack of self esteem, lack of self respect and lack of confidence around women

i'm either very timid or way too aggressive, and it's not good :smirk:




look here's the deal.  women like aggressive confident men who aren't good don't effing smirk grab dat azz make it urs love it then leave it grow a sack im not bsing you wont be dissapointed.

OR,  give up and cry woe is me.

women love azzholes live it.

YW.


--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.


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Offlineandrewss
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Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 8,721
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Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: LunarEclipse]
    #11307282 - 10/23/09 06:23 PM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Oh self examination - I guess maturity happens when people self tortured eventually learn how to just relax in their own way. Good to hear you are getting more optimistic/relaxed.


--------------------
Jesus loves you.


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OfflinejivJaN
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Re: A dialogue with myself; an attempt at honesty [Re: LunarEclipse]
    #11308038 - 10/23/09 08:45 PM (7 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:


look here's the deal.  women like aggressive confident men who aren't good don't effing smirk grab dat azz make it urs love it then leave it grow a sack im not bsing you wont be dissapointed.

OR,  give up and cry woe is me.

women love azzholes live it.

YW.




as true as it may seem ,  i doubt this is the first time hes heard another male say something like it.

on the other hand , you have the approach of not changing who you are only to get the fem. and having respect and care for them..

these two clash resulting in him being timid.. or way too aggressive around them giving an overall state of being passive aggressive.

once the mind has succeeded the heart in a certain area , going back and acting naturally is almost impossible.
you think... and dont do..
you keep on thinking.. and not doing..
the more you think.. the more you build up anxiety towards the event..

i think.. the ice simply must be broken.
if it was me..
i would pay for it.. just to get it over and done with.
and i wouldnt feel guilty at all about it..
but thats me..

i have no problem being the aggressive confident man and getting what i came for...
but sometimes.. you realize that what you came for.. isnt what you truly wanted.


--------------------



---------------------

All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional.
They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively.
I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life  and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal.
If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
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