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Long post here, guys. But I wrote it for myself first and foremost to document what happened. Anyways...
In preparation for the trip I opened up a notepad document on my laptop and titled it
"October 18th, 2009 Psilocybe Cubensis, 2.5g."
After 4 hours of complete insanity, the only note I came back with was, "What has become."
My reality was completely shattered. I went into it looking to just lie down and meditate and look at the closed-eye visuals. I took the dose around 10:00 PM, went out for a cigarette and to get my one-hitter, packed a bowl and lied down on my bed.
While I was laying there I noticed an uneasiness.. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do on the come-up. So my mind was all over the place.. should I be listening to music, should I get another blanket, should I try to record this and so forth.
About 45min to an hour in, still with the burden of uncertainty in me, I was definitely feeling it. The typical mushroom "blurring", minor visual distortions, minor mood change, etc.-- so it was still pretty light. So I decided to kick start the trip and just took one hit of some dank. I've had this for a while, nearly smoked all of it but saved a couple bowls for this trip. So I take the hit and just try to get comfortable. So I lie down on my bed and started having these glorious thoughts and insights (ones that I cannot remember). Several minutes passed and I had the urge to look at the clock. It said 11:11. I considered this a funny coincidence, and things definitely started getting intense. I knew... I told myself... that the guest that I'd been waiting for for an hour now has finally arrived.
And then I lost control. The next couple hours are a blur. I can only remember bits and pieces.
Shortly after this I could feel strongly the mushroom essence inside of me. Everything became very strange. I felt like I just didn't take the mushroom- the mushroom took me. I remember having very strange visions. I don't even know how to describe these. Very peculiar, strange, witch-like, alien-like kind of visions -- all with that weird cosmic mushroom vibe associated with it. I *felt* like I was half-mushroom, half-human.
And then there was the internal music.. once again, very alien-- like some deep, slow-paced organ tones mixed with electronic/techno.
And I was really kind of appalled by all of this. I was looking for beautiful visions and art.. and this was just so strange I had to look away and shift my focus somewhere else.
And I really didn't know where I wanted to shift it too. I tried listening to some music I had on my laptop, but it just sounded so weird and strange, I didn't even know what to do with it. And then I started to lose control. I opened up a book to see what I'd find. Sentences were utterly incomprehensible. Words made no sense. Time didn't make any sense-- reality was (ala William James) a blooming, buzzing confusion.
So in this state of confusion I went into my living room and looked at Starry Night by Van Gogh. After what just seemed a few seconds my reality was transformed into that piece of art. My entire perception became those surreal, twilight, colorful swirls in the painting. I looked away and my entire apartment was trenched in the Starry Night sky.
After this, I don't even know what happened. I was still restless.. I couldn't focus on anything, I was so in the moment that past and future meant nothing, time meant nothing. And somehow in this state of confusion I started to mess with the thermostat. I don't even know why I did it in the first place. That forced the trip into an hour of trying to figure out how to read a thermostat, what the average temperature for a house is, and what the hell temperature even was. I contemplated things going bad, real bad.. where I was just about ready to say "Ok, world, I'm fucked.. Please help me". I can't even read a thermostat.. I don't know if it's 80 degrees, 90 degrees. Somehow I know I got it to 80 degrees. I don't even remember putting the heat on. And then I put the cold air on. I wanted to enjoy the trip but I kept on going back and forth.. probably seriously like 20 times from my room to the thermostat trying to make SURE it was ok. After about an hour I was able to convince myself that I had it under control, but that shooked me up so much I just wanted to feel normal again.
So I tried turning on the TV. I think the History Channel was on, but it was just so weird. Time was going by so slow.. faces looked strange, the audio was incomprehensible.
I went to the bathroom. Looked in the mirror. My face started morphing around, shifting, wavy.
I looked in this abstract art book. The art in the book started moving around so elegantly.. it was like the art was alive- moving, expanding, detracting, etc. I had to convince myself that I wasn't looking at a video or something.
And this has happened to me before with this same batch of mushrooms.. it just tossed me around. I felt joy, fear, panic, anxiety, love, confidence, euphoria, despair.. all from one minute to the next. One minute I'd be elated, dancing in my room to music just living completely in the moment and the next I'd be crouched over in a corner confused.
I remember the feeling of Waking Up. Like "this is life?".. I had the sense of being awakened. I sensed everyone.. my family, friends, whoever being like "He's finally made it.. I knew he'd come around.. like they've just been waiting for me to 'wake up'.
I had to keep reminding myself that I had taken mushrooms.. but I didn't even know what that meant.. or what they were, or what they did. I kept on trying to convince myself that "this is what happens when you're on drugs" "it's ok", but I just could not comprehend that in this state.
And then I came down, and I was relieved.. because I wanted to feel what it was like to feel normal again. It went to sleep around 3:30 AM.. and another strange thing.. I woke up and had the urge to check the clock to see the time and it was exactly 4:20 AM. Very weird.
It was definitely a messy trip, and the whole thermostat ordeal took a lot of energy out of me. I have another mushroom trip planned in 4 weeks. Next time I'll definitely be more prepared and take some extra precautions.
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