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Offlineweallsmoke
Rap god frombeyond the moon
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Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 1,021
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Back in to poetry(let me know what you think)
    #11219214 - 10/10/09 06:57 AM (8 years, 1 month ago)

Oh great universe.


If I'm a part of you...
Why am I so surprised to learn about myself?
If you created me...
Couldn't have you been more generous?
Oh great Omnipotent universe....
If your always with me, why am I so lonely?

Why don't you take the credit you deserve?
Why don't you destroy that thief they call god?
His followers will soon follow...
They have been pestering us for too long!
they created a reason to go to hell...
and they call it heaven!

Oh universe, I enjoy your sense of humor
i guess great minds think alike..
I enjoy your company, and need no one else...
No before...No after...
just now...

Tell me something universe...
Whats it like to be you?
Do you like it when i teach you?
Is it spacey enough in the room I've provided?
Do you enjoy my presence?

I know you love me....
I gave you life...
I gave you eyes...
and let you see who you truly are...

I know you love me...
you must just be annoyed....
by all of my expectations...
but i love you son...
I might die vary soon...
that's why i gave you my all...
and expect little in return...

The others don't love you.
they love their god...
but i wouldn't betray you.
I have to much respect...
for my true holy father...
and my beloved son...

so please go on without me...
the others need you...
even betrayers...
will call your name...
even the strongest warriors...
cant live without you...


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Offlineweallsmoke
Rap god frombeyond the moon
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Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 1,021
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Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: weallsmoke]
    #11220341 - 10/10/09 01:24 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

Bump.

Anybody?:sad:


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OfflineWasteland
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Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 4,768
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Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: weallsmoke]
    #11220410 - 10/10/09 01:36 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

I like it...
The structure somewhat annoys me though...
Although when I attempt poetry I do the nearly the same thing...
But, I never save it...


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Offlineweallsmoke
Rap god frombeyond the moon
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Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 1,021
Last seen: 1 year, 7 months
Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: Wasteland]
    #11220424 - 10/10/09 01:39 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

Yes! I enjoy constructive criticism. What exactly didn't you enjoy about the structure?
And thank you vary much for the input.:hug:


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OfflineWasteland
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Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: weallsmoke]
    #11220888 - 10/10/09 03:35 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

It seems to break up the flow of the message. The peroids distract the eye. All opinion, though.


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,189
Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: Wasteland]
    #11220925 - 10/10/09 03:43 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

I liked it a lot.  I don't think you need the ellipses though, let each line trail off naturally.

Plus, you misspelled "very" in stanza six.  :tongue2:


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