Home | Community | Message Board


Vaposhop
Please support our sponsors.

General Interest >> Music, Art, and Media

Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! You are experiencing a small sample of what the site has to offer. Please login or register to post messages and view our exclusive members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, file attachments, board customizations, encrypted private messages, and much more!

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1
Offlineweallsmoke
Rap god frombeyond the moon
Male User Gallery


Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 1,021
Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
Back in to poetry(let me know what you think)
    #11219214 - 10/10/09 06:57 AM (8 years, 11 months ago)

Oh great universe.


If I'm a part of you...
Why am I so surprised to learn about myself?
If you created me...
Couldn't have you been more generous?
Oh great Omnipotent universe....
If your always with me, why am I so lonely?

Why don't you take the credit you deserve?
Why don't you destroy that thief they call god?
His followers will soon follow...
They have been pestering us for too long!
they created a reason to go to hell...
and they call it heaven!

Oh universe, I enjoy your sense of humor
i guess great minds think alike..
I enjoy your company, and need no one else...
No before...No after...
just now...

Tell me something universe...
Whats it like to be you?
Do you like it when i teach you?
Is it spacey enough in the room I've provided?
Do you enjoy my presence?

I know you love me....
I gave you life...
I gave you eyes...
and let you see who you truly are...

I know you love me...
you must just be annoyed....
by all of my expectations...
but i love you son...
I might die vary soon...
that's why i gave you my all...
and expect little in return...

The others don't love you.
they love their god...
but i wouldn't betray you.
I have to much respect...
for my true holy father...
and my beloved son...

so please go on without me...
the others need you...
even betrayers...
will call your name...
even the strongest warriors...
cant live without you...


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Offlineweallsmoke
Rap god frombeyond the moon
Male User Gallery


Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 1,021
Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: weallsmoke]
    #11220341 - 10/10/09 01:24 PM (8 years, 11 months ago)

Bump.

Anybody?:sad:


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineWasteland
Elektromeister!
Male User Gallery


Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 4,768
Loc: A pathetic small town in ...
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: weallsmoke]
    #11220410 - 10/10/09 01:36 PM (8 years, 11 months ago)

I like it...
The structure somewhat annoys me though...
Although when I attempt poetry I do the nearly the same thing...
But, I never save it...


--------------------
CLICKY!!!
!
The Mad Shroomer said:
People are always promising the apocalypse. They never deliver. :frown:
http://superftmn.deviantart.com/gallery/


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Offlineweallsmoke
Rap god frombeyond the moon
Male User Gallery


Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 1,021
Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: Wasteland]
    #11220424 - 10/10/09 01:39 PM (8 years, 11 months ago)

Yes! I enjoy constructive criticism. What exactly didn't you enjoy about the structure?
And thank you vary much for the input.:hug:


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineWasteland
Elektromeister!
Male User Gallery


Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 4,768
Loc: A pathetic small town in ...
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: weallsmoke]
    #11220888 - 10/10/09 03:35 PM (8 years, 11 months ago)

It seems to break up the flow of the message. The peroids distract the eye. All opinion, though.


--------------------
CLICKY!!!
!
The Mad Shroomer said:
People are always promising the apocalypse. They never deliver. :frown:
http://superftmn.deviantart.com/gallery/


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
Male User Gallery

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,189
Re: Back in to poetry(let me know what you think) [Re: Wasteland]
    #11220925 - 10/10/09 03:43 PM (8 years, 11 months ago)

I liked it a lot.  I don't think you need the ellipses though, let each line trail off naturally.

Plus, you misspelled "very" in stanza six.  :tongue2:


--------------------
Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Jump to top. Pages: 1

General Interest >> Music, Art, and Media

Similar ThreadsPosterViewsRepliesLast post
* Poetry? JCoke 2,807 14 02/19/05 11:15 PM
by DirtMcgirt
* The Official Post Your Own Poetry Thread.
( 1 2 3 4 ... 116 117 )
aghorrorag 140,784 2,336 09/18/18 02:49 AM
by JustAnotherFreak
* Poetry jam??
( 1 2 3 4 5 all )
lilhippiegirl 4,639 99 11/22/13 02:59 PM
by lilhippiegirl
* some poetry; honest feedback appreciated demiu5 835 7 07/11/07 12:12 AM
by demiu5
* Poetry-recommend me some! Dr. Spock 671 3 10/03/08 07:20 PM
by junkyardgod
* Poetry.com
Scarfmeister
645 2 04/22/03 02:44 PM
by rommstein2001
* The Official Dada Poetry Thread freeskierpj 1,598 5 03/17/11 07:25 AM
by freeskierpj
* poetry poetry poetry Kid_A 754 1 02/09/03 05:51 PM
by Cracka_X

Extra information
You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics
HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled
Moderator: Middleman, automan, sui, DividedQuantum
299 topic views. 1 members, 0 guests and 1 web crawlers are browsing this forum.
[ Toggle Favorite | Print Topic | Stats ]
Search this thread:
Zamnesia.com
Please support our sponsors.

Copyright 1997-2018 Mind Media. Some rights reserved.

Generated in 0.025 seconds spending 0.006 seconds on 19 queries.