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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 6,808
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wow, so it goes
    #11198481 - 10/07/09 04:34 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

An egomaniac

I reject parts of myself. Like, I don't want to be identified as the teenage version of myself..i've disowned it, cut it off from my mind

I've cut off whole parts of my being out of my mind. Maybe this is why I barely remember anything. I only have a couple hundred memories. Are they hidden with the repressed parts of my personality?

I must have multiple personalities.. I can be "myself" with some people and with others I can't be. What does that really mean? It means I am just putting on different masks for different people, there is no honesty in my life

But I am angry for a reason. My feelings are pointing me towards something. My feelings are the key to resolving things.. I have to go with my feelings.

I have to be smart about how to solve situations. I have to do the right thing. For example, my mom still uses the same tone of voice she used on me when I was a little baby. I have to prove, somehow to her, that I am an adult - my friend suggested that, since I am interested in my mom's life, I should ask her personal questions. Taking an interest in someone else, about the deep parts of their life, is good

I keep trying to find "it". The answer. The One. I am the One. I am divided. Why have I kept hearing that balance is the key when it can't be?

Balance is boring. Life is not balanced. The cycles of my childhood do not compare to the cycles I go through now. I am a completely different person now.

I have a twin brother. When we were kids we used to switch between the good twin and the evil twin every year, so in grade 3 i was good, in grade 4 i was bad, in grade 5 i was good.. and so it went. It was like an unspoken agreement.

Then I wanted to be just good, and wanted to rid myself of bad altogether. I got into Taoism and Buddhism, fantasized about purifying my mind and body and loving everything in existence unconditionally. And this went on for about 4 years, culminating with a religious experience where I believed that I was finally squeezing the devil himself out of me. I wasn't. It was the parts of me that I've cut off screaming in pain for not being recognized, by me. I am just one part of my mind.. there needs to be space

But there is an eternal part of me, the Self with a big S, it's the thing inside me that still contains all the things I've cut off, all the things I've repressed and denied

I need to reach that. To break down this one man show.. how could I be so stupid? To think that I had the truth, to think that my way was the only way - my preconceptions ruling my life. So many preconceptions.. if I do this, then everything will be perfect. If I do that, things will become magical again.

And so the cycle repeats.. I realize i have a sickness and now I can start searching for healing, bringing back together what I cut out. I want it all back


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OfflineNoteworthy
Sophyphile
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Registered: 10/05/08
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Last seen: 4 years, 10 months
Re: wow, so it goes [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11198735 - 10/07/09 07:35 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I also remember very little of my life.. just now I was at dinner table and my mother recalled taking me and a friend white-water rafting. Experiences like these... I ought to remember. But I do not. Is it because I didn't store the information or because that information is associated with aspects of the persona that are currently subdued or otherwise inactive?

I think your situation is complexified by the fact that you have a twin but this may just mean that you have been exposed to many 'concepts' regarding the self and have had to deal with many ways of establishing, to yourself, what your identity is given that you are one twin.

Maybe you just need to stop cutting parts of yourself off?


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
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Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: wow, so it goes [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #11198845 - 10/07/09 08:42 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Man are you messed 
up big time.:whoa:

Just like the rest of us.:monkeydance:

So please don't gloat.:satansmoking:


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"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineTheBalance
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Registered: 06/06/09
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Re: wow, so it goes [Re: Icelander]
    #11201528 - 10/07/09 06:01 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)



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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
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Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: wow, so it goes [Re: TheBalance]
    #11201536 - 10/07/09 06:03 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

:satansmoking: That was when I was young and slim.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleBand of Gypsys
Stranger

Registered: 10/04/09
Posts: 788
Loc: Mountains on the Moon
Re: wow, so it goes [Re: Noteworthy]
    #11201544 - 10/07/09 06:04 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Noteworthy said:

Maybe you just need to stop cutting parts of yourself off?




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OfflineWasteland
Elektromeister!
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Registered: 07/26/06
Posts: 4,768
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Last seen: 4 years, 7 months
Re: wow, so it goes [Re: Band of Gypsys]
    #11201862 - 10/07/09 06:53 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

You can still be a part of all the masks.

it's very useful to reveal only certain aspects and ideas to certain people.

Such as, if I only tell one person one thing, and suddenly several people I havent even said it to, know it, I can instantly identify whom was the betrayer.


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CLICKY!!!
!
The Mad Shroomer said:
People are always promising the apocalypse. They never deliver. :frown:
http://superftmn.deviantart.com/gallery/


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InvisibleBand of Gypsys
Stranger

Registered: 10/04/09
Posts: 788
Loc: Mountains on the Moon
Re: wow, so it goes [Re: Wasteland]
    #11201883 - 10/07/09 06:56 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Wasteland said:
You can still be a part of all the masks.

it's very useful to reveal only certain aspects and ideas to certain people.

Such as, if I only tell one person one thing, and suddenly several people I havent even said it to, know it, I can instantly identify whom was the betrayer.




That seems like it would be very tiring. Do you get betrayed a lot?


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