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Offlineastrogenic
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Registered: 10/02/09
Posts: 93
Loc: San Antonio, TX
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
I've been having some mother father problems...
    #11196725 - 10/06/09 10:58 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

and I haven't really had anyone to talk to about it.

My mom and dad seperated when I was 12. Before that happened, I was a very happy person. After it happened, I became a real depressed kid and I feel like my upbringing from then on affected my school and my social life because life wasn't the same after that. My confidence was bad up until I smoked marijuana. I'm different now. I'm 21 but my life situation is still the same. I'm suffering the consequences of a disastrous childhood.

I was introduced to marijuana though, which I accepted to do because I wanted to be pointed in the right direction. I only did for as little as several times and I have to say, it healed me while it lasted. I discontinued my marijuana use and as a result, I feel very monotone as if I have no zest for life because I still know that my mom and dad's situation affect me. I feel like it always will until I find the resolve that I need. The things that happened between my mom and my dad bother me because those were my parents. I came from those two people. It was out of love was it not? If they didn't love each other, then who do I have to call my parents? I miss their love and having them together.

So far in my life, my dad was the only one I ever related to. I used to always love being around him and doing things with him father and son like. My mom used to be very humble and affectionate, but is now promiscous and was never there for me after the seperation. I had to live with her too and the guy she is with. It was a very unnatural situation to be in. I saw my dad once in a blue moon but there was always so much strife between my parents that it was always impossible to see him. My dad ended up passing away in a car accident last year and after finding out about this, I didn't even know how to react. I remember when I would go visit him during the years after the seperation that the bond between me and him disappeared just like the bond between me and my mom when she would always go to work and never take the time to understand me. My dad's death simply confirmed to me that life was treating me very unfairly because I didn't even know why I should cry.

I'm very sad now though. I lost all conception of love and I miss my parents. People who I thought were friends aren't even there for me and I think they should know that while they are having fun and doing things with other happy ass fucking people, I'm here going through something extremely traumatic and I need help. My mom and dad were and have always been very important to me. I grew up underneath them only for them to leave me in the middle of nowhere.

I looked up to a lot of people growing up because I had no one to turn to. I listened to music. Discovered some books. Laughed at comedians. The only avenue I had were artists and then I realized I wanted to be one so that I could express myself in some kind of way. That's why I smoked marijuana. But I still don't know where to go from there. I feel lost and confused. I need an actual friend, but all I have is myself at the moment. I want to feel God's love from an actual friend. Someone who can heal me and help me clear this void. Ever since my mom and dad seperated, I feel like there can be no such thing as true parents. Is God the only parent? But I've always wanted to have a son or a daughter so that I could always be theirs. I wouldn't want the same thing to happen to them.

The situation between my mom and my dad are the only reason why I decided venture into the world of drugs. I've been feeling very monotone and stale and impassionate and even unimaginative, ever since I stopped smoking cannabis, but I do know there is more room for englightenment. My mom and my dad's seperation is the only thing that confuses me right now. Please help. :frown:


--------------------
:1up: :regularshroom: :poison:


Edited by astrogenic (10/07/09 01:14 PM)


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Offlineusulpsychonaut
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Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 2,806
Loc: Northland, New Zealand. Flag
Last seen: 7 days, 6 hours
Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: astrogenic]
    #11197726 - 10/07/09 01:19 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Kind of interesting, to be able to put all your darkness down to one event, parents separating. According to a myth of re-incarnation, your soul chose your parents, knowing they would break up, so it would seem that your life purpose is to be a dysfunctional damaged soul. You're origins are underworld realms of confusion and grief. So just be yourself, respect the gods and symbols of dreary unimaginative paths. Expect failure, avoid ambition and be true to your black heart. Focus on the things that mess your head up, handle the confusion and grief for as long as you can then turn to some superficial distraction - movie, music, books, computer games... If you have no one to talk to, get a councilor. I know it is very unsatisfying and superficial (and will never solve any problems), but it is better than never talking.


--------------------
Hitler is beyond your conception to judge or criticize.


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Offlineastrogenic
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Registered: 10/02/09
Posts: 93
Loc: San Antonio, TX
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: usulpsychonaut]
    #11198344 - 10/07/09 03:26 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I think of that myth all the time! Especially when I'm listening to music or if I'm noticing some of life's coincidences. It gets weird sometimes. It's like my parents separation have created my own mystery of life. As if life wasn't mysterious enough right? I just don't know where to draw the line. My perception of love became distorted. It's just weird knowing your parents aren't really your parents because they aren't together and since they aren't together they decide to find love in other places and having kids with them thus enforcing you to love these step-children unconditionally even though you know that having families works a different way especially when love was designed for only two people. I just don't know what will become of my parents when I die of old age. Will I see them together in heaven or will it be with these people I don't even know? Will they be my parents anymore? These are the questions that bug me. You nailed it though. It's like you read my mind. I'll just have to accept this for the time being until I can to get through the rubble. I've been reading around too. There is only one way to find my answer. I need to find me a mushroom. :wink:

And yeah. I could use less silence.. thanks man.


Edited by astrogenic (10/07/09 03:37 AM)


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Offlineusulpsychonaut
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Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 2,806
Loc: Northland, New Zealand. Flag
Last seen: 7 days, 6 hours
Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: astrogenic]
    #11198547 - 10/07/09 05:06 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Dis-functional families are normality. Was there really a time when everyone stayed happily married ever after? I think not. In some cases divorce was illegal, or avoided at all costs by people afraid of becoming outcasts or being condemned to eternal burning. Just as the single person longs for companionship and love in another person, people in relationships long for separation and isolation. The problem can be when we take these longings literally. Alone and lonely, maybe it is possible to find companionship with spirits, gods, habits, rituals. Partnered up, maybe it is possible to find separation and isolation in travel, work, socializing, family. Mind you, the whole experience of falling in and out of love can be seriously impacting on the soul, so for most people it is obviously meant to be. Love does seem to be designed for two people, but then it seemed to me that I was designed to get an education, a great job that paid loads of cash, a loving wife and kids, a firm grasp of metaphysical perceptions, an endless supply of psychotropic euphoria, the ability to levitate and be invisible... the way life unfolds is not how we think it should.


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InvisibleKukaracha
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Registered: 12/18/08
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Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: astrogenic]
    #11198805 - 10/07/09 08:23 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Marijuana will not solve your problems. No drugs will.
Marijuana will turn bad in the long run if you use it too much much with high expectations. Of my stoners friends, many end up fucking something at some point; for example, not giving a damn about studies because they just wanted to be stoned all the time. Marijuana doesn't enlighten you. Thinking that the government is evil is not enlightenment, it's being simple-minded.

Artists express themselves through a certain technique. You have to learn, you have to educate yourself, set yourself apart from the others, try to be more conscient of what's happening in the world and what's happening in yours.

I was born a bastard, without a father, and I noticed I have some daddy issues that come from there, because I had no male to turn to... except my grandpa. He was my "dad". Any person can be your "dad", and when you grow up, you change, and discover other "fathers".

You have to accept the losses and don't turn back, that's the advice I would give. It's a big world, many places, many things to be done.


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Invisibleblkjkrabbit

Registered: 07/22/07
Posts: 4,971
Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: Kukaracha]
    #11199199 - 10/07/09 10:49 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Feels a bit like I'm reading about myself. Except you knew what it felt like to live with your parents for a time, mine split at 2 & 1/2. It was an ugly split, and I received a long rippling whiplash from it that will echo to my grave. From before I could realize it I was more especially stoic, introverted, & contemplative.

What turned everything around was meeting my girlfriend about 15 months ago. Sharing love with her has rooted my erratic and somewhat cynical outlook on things. The flipside is that I now feel predisposed to being guarded against marriage or having kids for fear of ending up doing what your parents & mine did, split & leave unresolvable trauma in your psyche, a splinter in your mind. My girl would say but now you have a good example of what not to do and I'd think but EVERYONE starts out in marriage/monogamy/family/kids with "the best intentions" - my parents certainly did, I was a planned kid, and while I don't resent my experiences for shaping me into who I am (a person filled with character borne in strife) I am extremely hesitant to bring a kid into the world only to watch the horror my dad must've felt seeing it fall apart..

The advice I'd try and bestow upon you from all this is that self love and transcending love is the only lasting love, so work on that, share love and laugh - it will do your soul good. Of course, you can always try and scrape some good feelings from interacting with your parents, but I'd advice against it as from reading your OP that seems to just stir up your shit.

@ kukaracha - the bit about finding father figures in the world is good advice. the bit about condemning weed as the vice of vices, is crap - weed is extremely mild, as a daily smoker (1-2grams a day) for the last half decade, I am an accomplished welder, student, boyfriend, am employed, with tons of hobbies & friends, a loving family (disfigured, but loving), & etc. Pot is not the hindrance, human fallibility and inability to moderate is, but this is learned in time. :peace:


Edited by blkjkrabbit (10/07/09 10:53 AM)


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InvisibleKukaracha
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Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: blkjkrabbit]
    #11199412 - 10/07/09 11:35 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Oh I didn't mean to say pot was an evil thing. I'm just saying it's a drug like many others and it doesn't enlighten people or magically turn them into artists, or make problems vanish. Pot can be nice, but it doesn't make miracles like some people like to think.


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Offlineastrogenic
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Registered: 10/02/09
Posts: 93
Loc: San Antonio, TX
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: Kukaracha]
    #11199836 - 10/07/09 01:07 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Each of you are right and had some great advice. It's just that I always had my mother and father hovering over me and then they decided that they hated each other's guts. It was like my own fall from grace and I didn't even know what the hell to make of it. The arguments, the anger, the hostility, the fighting, and the clashing are all words I would use to describe the dissipation of what I saw as the loving union I came from. Those two people. Together, they were my own God. The coupled one. That's why it bothered me so much after they fucked me over. lol.....

Concerning my parents, society made things really tough for them. Their finances were shot. We lived in a room with me and my brother and sister at my grandparents house with my beer drinking uncles always making life uncomfortable for us. To this day, we still haven't lived in a house. Then again, some of us have never been able to eat a mushroom in a field of green grass without getting thrown into prison. My dad was always out of town working. My mom became a working mother, which triggered the separation cause she left him as if she realized she wanted a life of her own. It was the dark years after that. Oh, and you all know my dad died right? Yeah. He fell asleep at the fucking wheel. My mom has gone astray ever since. She's already dating some other guy and leaving the one she's with now.

As far as myself, I've never really met a girl who could relate to me that's why I continue to feel regression. I'm 21 and I don't own a car or have a job like most other guys. I've been wearing braces for going on 5 years. My whole sense of the world got turned upside down. I was fresh in my teens too so those were some pretty delicate years. I've been thinking about it though, and I realized I just have to live my own life and find out for myself what is right. It's a role that I know I can accept no matter how black my heart gets. I have to find out what is right not through my mom and dad, but through my own heart because I can follow it. All of your posts really helped so I wanna thank you guys. I feel like an independent person now. I'm glad I discovered shroomery.

:thumbup:


--------------------
:1up: :regularshroom: :poison:


Edited by astrogenic (10/07/09 01:31 PM)


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Invisibleblkjkrabbit

Registered: 07/22/07
Posts: 4,971
Re: I've been having some mother father problems... [Re: astrogenic]
    #11200078 - 10/07/09 01:49 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

dude the shroomery is a refuge for good advice and positive vibes. that and grow teks, news bits, and all sorts of fun shit. that's why i frequent!

sounds like you know what you need to do :thumbup::peace::psychsplit:


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