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OfflinePowerTrip
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I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless
    #11188949 - 10/05/09 08:12 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Not another girl problem thread..:rolleyes:

So I dated a girl for a few months.  Yeah, a few months.  Not long by most measures.  Love is weird though.  Those few months moved so slowly that they felt like years...

We had an abrupt breakup.  We went from infatuation with each other to never talking again over a span of two weeks.  The relationship ended as intensely as it started.  We basically both were too stubborn and never returned each others calls again.

It's nine months since the break up and I haven't spoken to or seen her.  I've probably thought of her every day since then.  Every time I think of her I get these feelings.  I really miss being close to her.  Being with her changed my life.  I'm not even the same person anymore.

I just want to tell her that she made a difference in my life.  Tell her all of the things I was afraid to say during the relationship.  How much she means to me and that I'll always be here for her..

The thing is, we aren't meant to be in a relationship together.  I don't even want that with her anymore.  But all the same I feel the need to tell her how much she means to me.

I don't know how she would even take this or how she feels about me.  She's had so many boyfriends, and I'm sure she even has one now.

I'm not sure if I should follow through and try to contact her or not.  I keep going back and forth.  I really want to do this but then I tell myself that I didn't mean shit to her and my words wont mean shit to her either.  Part of me doesn't care even if that's true though.  She changed my life for the better regardless.

Am I just seeking the closure I never got?  Should I follow my heart and do this?

Thanks for listening.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life


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InvisibleMufungo
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: PowerTrip]
    #11189202 - 10/05/09 08:47 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

PowerTrip said:
I just want to tell her that she made a difference in my life.  Tell her all of the things I was afraid to say during the relationship.  How much she means to me and that I'll always be here for her..

The thing is, we aren't meant to be in a relationship together.  I don't even want that with her anymore.  But all the same I feel the need to tell her how much she means to me.

I don't know how she would even take this or how she feels about me.  She's had so many boyfriends, and I'm sure she even has one now.

I'm not sure if I should follow through and try to contact her or not.  I keep going back and forth.  I really want to do this but then I tell myself that I didn't mean shit to her and my words wont mean shit to her either.  Part of me doesn't care even if that's true though.  She changed my life for the better regardless.

Am I just seeking the closure I never got?  Should I follow my heart and do this?

Thanks for listening.




Here are some questions, but I'm not asking you to reply to them here.

What would happen if I did?
What would happen if I didn't?
What would not happen if I did?
What would not happen if I didn't?

What did you intend to happen from saying something to her? What do you want from saying those things to her, what will you get out of it? (If the first idea is "I intend nothing" or "I want nothing out of it", think about it again really honestly).

Now regardless of whether she cares or doesn't, what are the possible consequences of you contacting her and telling her you love her (What would happen if I did)? Do these possible consequences mesh with what you want or not?

If yes, then roll the dice and have a go! If no, then think about and discover how else you could satisfy what you want, but in a different way.

You might very well find that it's not her that you want to contact but rather an idea of her. Which if that's the case, contacting her may change the idea you had of her...

Maybe an idea could be to find a new girl who you can say all of the things you want to say to her. The new girl would probably really appreciate it and wouldn't be marred by any sort of history together.

My 2c on "needing closure" is that there is no such thing. Life is one big open loop of a story in which something always happens next. If you can anticipate what is going to happen next, or anticipate what you can do if you anticipate incorrectly, you can then better plan and make decisions that take you places you want to go.

:peace:


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Invisibledr_gonz

Registered: 08/18/03
Posts: 44,645
Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointle [Re: PowerTrip]
    #11189714 - 10/05/09 10:03 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

write her a letter telling her everything, but DO NOT SEND IT. Ever.


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OfflinePowerTrip
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointle [Re: dr_gonz]
    #11190701 - 10/06/09 12:17 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

dr_gonz said:
write her a letter telling her everything, but DO NOT SEND IT. Ever.




I did one better.  I wrote a letter on craigslist missed connections.  Whenever I write this shit out I feel better for a while but slowly the need to tell her always comes back around.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life


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OfflinePowerTrip
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: Mufungo]
    #11190899 - 10/06/09 12:52 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Mufungo said:
What did you intend to happen from saying something to her? What do you want from saying those things to her, what will you get out of it? (If the first idea is "I intend nothing" or "I want nothing out of it", think about it again really honestly).




Your post made me think it through.  I think what I really want is a "second chance."  Not a second chance at a relationship, but a second chance to succeed.  I feel like I failed at this and it is the only time in my life I have ever failed at something I put genuine effort into.  I think this is why the relationship has haunted me even though I know that there was never anything for us.  I just feel like I failed.  I know I didn't do my best and I could have done so many things differently.  Maybe my desire to seek her out is really a desire to reconcile with her and feel like I can go back to her seeing me as the guy she thought I was.  The ideal guy I pretended to be.

I can accept that I will never have her again.  I guess what I really can't accept is that I failed at something and I will never have another chance to succeed at it.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life


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InvisibleMufungo
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: PowerTrip]
    #11191028 - 10/06/09 01:16 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

You'll get a second chance to succeed, but with another girl. Take what you've learned and put it into another relationship. Your next girlfriend will think you're even more awesome for it.


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OfflineGinseng1
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: PowerTrip]
    #11191076 - 10/06/09 01:27 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Hey buddy, I'm not sure how sound my advice here is but a couple things to consider:

Quote:

PowerTrip said:
I just want to tell her that she made a difference in my life.  Tell her all of the things I was afraid to say during the relationship.  How much she means to me and that I'll always be here for her..

But all the same I feel the need to tell her how much she means to me.






Do what you want and do what you feel.  :shrug:

You have these feelings and wants from within you that don't necessarily stand up to reason and what not, but the fact is that there is a force unbeknown-st to you, yet certainly experienced by you, and it is pulling you to do these things.

I can't see any harm in doing what your gut instinct is telling you.

You stated that you know there is no relationship to be rekindled and that's fine. 

Just make sure that when you do contact her - you make it clear that your intentions are not get her back, or that you even lust for her specifically, but simply to give thanks to the great experience she became a part of.

You know, it would be different if your intention was to get her back but you have accepted that that is not probable by any means.  So if you go into the situation without expectation, no harm shall be done to you.

Your intention is to express gratitude, and in faith of that noble emotion, that which you express cannot ever be held in low regards.


--------------------
Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...


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OfflineLion
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: PowerTrip]
    #11194329 - 10/06/09 04:55 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

My advice is to contact her and let her know that you feel badly about how your relationship ended and that you appreciated her companionship, and then forget about your relationship and move on.  The rest of it sounds to me like you are romanticizing the past and clinging to the hope of fulfillment that this girl cannot offer you.


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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Invisibledr_gonz

Registered: 08/18/03
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: Lion]
    #11194341 - 10/06/09 04:57 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

i do not think he should break the silence.


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OfflineLion
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: dr_gonz]
    #11194368 - 10/06/09 05:01 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Maybe he should, maybe he should not.  I tend to think it's good not to leave a lot of negativity between oneself and someone else, however long you haven't seen each other.  Better to be on at least decent terms with everyone.


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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InvisibleMufungo
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: Lion]
    #11195653 - 10/06/09 08:08 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Who's to say there's any negativity between them.

Imagine from here perspective. An ex un-expectantly calls you and pours his heart out... then what are you supposed to do.

Might she feel either
a) weirded out by the call and caught off guard because she doesn't know what to say back,
b) feel bad to be reminded of a not so good relationship that she thought was behind her now,
c) maybe have feelings stirred deep down but feel confused and not know what to do,
d) be happy that he called and honestly reciprocate the feelings,
e) be happy that he called, but feeling uncomfortable and a little obligated to say something back and maybe catch up,
f) be pissed off that he called to whine on the phone,
g) be happy that he called and want to get back with him to give it another go,
h) not remember who the guy was,
i) something else entirely...


--------------------


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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: Lion]
    #11195908 - 10/06/09 08:50 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I think Mufungo has the right idea. There might not be anything wrong between them.

After seeing this girl over the summer, I tried to be completely honest, but found out that it seemed that my "honesty" was more often than not a superfluous expression of my feelings. Maybe it was just the girl, and it very well could have been....either way I know for sure some things I shouldn't have said. There's a balance to be reached, and it's not always easy to see where that lies.

As mufungo said as far as your wanting to contact this idea of her that you have, you might want to consider whether she realistically will react how you want her to react. You want something out of this act. There's no doubt about that. If she goes bat shit crazy the minute you call, will that play into your plan? probably not. So, is she actually going to reason with you and see your effort the way *you* do? After all, that's what you want, isn't it? You want to reveal something and have her see it in "truth" aka how you see it. If you don't care how she reacts, then what's the problem? Just go for it! Really look into why you want to do this...you might just find out it's not worth it. If all else fails...just do it, then you'll know in future situations similar to this one what you should do.

Lately I've been a big fan of just going for it, hence my blatant honesty with the girl over the summer. Even though it wasn't the greatest idea, I'm happy for having had the experience.


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OfflinePowerTrip
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointless [Re: fazdazzle]
    #11198530 - 10/07/09 04:58 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Well fazdazzle and Mufungo you guys brought up some good points.  Unfortunately I don't have any definite answers to any of the questions.  I can't say how she feels, how she will react, or what I even want out of this.

At the very least I think part of it is that someone I was once close to left my life abruptly on bad terms.  I don't want her back, but it feels unresolved.  She doesn't know how I feel/felt, and I don't really know how she feels.  I do know that she sent the last text to me asking how I was doing, and knowing the relationship was over I never returned it. 

I can't say how she feels about me now, but at the time I did mean something to her.  All of her friends and family said she spoke of me differently.  Her mom even said we would have "cute kids" and made comments about us moving in together.

Things are never exactly how we remember though, and who knows how she has filled in the blanks and chosen to remember me.  More than anything I want both of us to see each other and be able to have a positive last memory of each other instead of such a negative one.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life


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Invisibleeligal
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointle [Re: PowerTrip]
    #11198693 - 10/07/09 06:59 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

PowerTrip said:
I just want to tell her that she made a difference in my life.  Tell her all of the things I was afraid to say during the relationship.  How much she means to me and that I'll always be here for her..

The thing is, we aren't meant to be in a relationship together.  I don't even want that with her anymore.  But all the same I feel the need to tell her how much she means to me.

I don't know how she would even take this or how she feels about me.  She's had so many boyfriends, and I'm sure she even has one now.





Theres already been some great advice here, especially the dick pic.

I dont see whats wrong with telling someone that they are special, that their relationship with you meant something, and that youre still there for them. Who wouldnt appreciate hearing someone say that?
As long as you keep it short and sweet and dont become the sob ex who starts to pathetically cling to the past and doesnt realize that times have changed and that people have moved on. (thus why it would be good to let her know that you dont want to start things up again and that you know that you two arent meant to be together).

That being said, if shes someone who bounces from guy to guy, she might not have appreciated the time you two had, she might have forgotten the special moments, and she might be so infatuated with her new boyfriend that your kind words will be meaningless. She would have to be kinda cold hearted for your words to be completely meaningless but in my experience girls can move on damn fast and, well, be pretty cold hearted...

And shit, its been 9 months... It would be kinda out of the blue. Maybe you should try to down play it and not say that you think about her everyday, just say that you were thinking about her lately and wanted to let her know.
Considering its been 9 months and youre still stuck on this, youre gonna have to do something, what ever it may be, to get past this. Maybe this phone call is something you just need to do so that you wont be wondering how it would have gone.


Anyway, maybe it is time for you to start thinking about the future. Does this girl have a sister? Or a hot mom? Or a mom who could be hot with the right amount of booze?



And dont forget the dick pic.


--------------------
\m/ Spanksta \m/

"do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?"

"MolokoMilkPlus said:
I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job"

"tactik said:
respect the can."



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OfflinePowerTrip
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Re: I feel the overwhelming need to tell an ex girlfriend that I love her... but it seems so pointle [Re: eligal]
    #11199919 - 10/07/09 01:20 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

eligal said:
And shit, its been 9 months... It would be kinda out of the blue. Maybe you should try to down play it and not say that you think about her everyday, just say that you were thinking about her lately and wanted to let her know.




I just meant that she crosses my mind at least once a day.  I don't sit around and daydream about her or anything.  You're right though, I wouldn't tell her that I think about her so much.

Quote:

eligal said:
Anyway, maybe it is time for you to start thinking about the future. Does this girl have a sister? Or a hot mom? Or a mom who could be hot with the right amount of booze?





Hot sister and an even hotter mom.

I have a plan in mind if I end up contacting her.  I wouldn't even do it over the phone, it would be meaningless.  I would do it in person.  She's a bartender in the city we live in (hence the 25 ex boyfriends).  I'm actually leaving the state next summer and I don't plan on coming back any time soon other than a short holiday visit.  If I haven't resolved this urge to contact her by the time I leave I'm just going to drop into her bar and say something casual like I'm leaving and saying my goodbyes to everyone.

I still think you're right though.  After all the time that has passed it is out of the blue.  The last thing I want is for it to come off any way other than me just caring about her as a friend and person.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life


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