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Offlinejustinsanity
Sanityinjust
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Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
Loc: Projection Room Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
First poem. *Edit - First PoemS*
    #10425145 - 05/30/09 12:57 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

Clouds

Only this height,
makes it all seems so clear.
The blinding horizon,
is only guarded by fear.

You can’t see past yourself,
when you are inside.
If you think you can,
you’ll be wrong in time.

Pushing or pulling?
When does it stop?
The key’s in the left,
the right’s over the lock.




--------------------

Edited by justinsanity (05/30/09 04:07 PM)

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OfflineJesusYodiHomeboy
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Registered: 03/19/09
Posts: 625
Last seen: 12 years, 11 months
Re: First poem. [Re: justinsanity]
    #10425272 - 05/30/09 01:29 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

thats a nice starting point for your first poem even written. mario world must be an inspiring location :cool:


--------------------
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

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OfflineCubie
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Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 8,840
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Re: First poem. [Re: justinsanity]
    #10425349 - 05/30/09 01:46 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

I like it. :awebig:

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Offlinejustinsanity
Sanityinjust
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Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
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Re: First poem. [Re: Cubie]
    #10425578 - 05/30/09 02:44 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

Hego Laws

You undo
simplicity
started
by reasoning
rational
with tools not
meant for it.

Embrace it,
and it will be,
the reason for
work and suffering.


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Offlinejustinsanity
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Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
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Re: First poem. [Re: justinsanity]
    #10425588 - 05/30/09 02:45 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

Empty Box

The more you know,
you know it’s less,
Soil your clues,
to clean the mess.

Clean the mess,
to soil the clues.
You know the least,
when you are you.

Unsolvable puzzle
with only your piece.
Lose it, and you’ll have
a puzzle complete.




JUST WROTE, hope you like this one :mushroom2:

Woodgrain bold with liquid flow,
patterns melt under the boats,
an isle exists within the knot,
oasis from the golden pond.

Layers flex and separate,
the razor edges suffocate.
Without breathe they lay back down,
into the lake of bronze and brown.

Structure pushes up the flat,
to form a wave of oily sap.
A sudden lapse of memory.
I'm feeling dry, stiff... grainy.


--------------------

Edited by justinsanity (05/30/09 04:12 PM)

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OfflineJesusYodiHomeboy
Dimension Hopper

Registered: 03/19/09
Posts: 625
Last seen: 12 years, 11 months
Re: First poem. [Re: justinsanity]
    #10426744 - 05/30/09 07:46 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

the last is your best, but my 2sense is that the last line needs to be re-worked


--------------------
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

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Offlinejustinsanity
Sanityinjust
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Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
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Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: First poem. [Re: JesusYodiHomeboy]
    #10426751 - 05/30/09 07:48 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

Yes it was a little forced :rolleyes:


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OfflineJesusYodiHomeboy
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Registered: 03/19/09
Posts: 625
Last seen: 12 years, 11 months
Re: First poem. [Re: justinsanity]
    #10426786 - 05/30/09 07:55 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

yeah, the last one you seem to branch out and start using your words as a paintbrush to help us see some of your descriptions, and i like that in writing.

"A wave of oily soap"
"Patterns melt under the boats"

Very good opening line as well. challenge yourself and piece together a last line that rivals its effectiveness!


--------------------
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

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Offlinejustinsanity
Sanityinjust
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Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
Loc: Projection Room Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: First poem. [Re: JesusYodiHomeboy]
    #10426828 - 05/30/09 08:04 PM (14 years, 8 months ago)

I wrote like 20 poems today and it was the first time I ever wrote any. So I'm burned out lyrically. I like the imagery concept too, best way of making it feel involved without confusion.


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