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justinsanity
Sanityinjust



Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
Loc: Projection Room
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First poem. *Edit - First PoemS*
#10425145 - 05/30/09 12:57 PM (14 years, 8 months ago) |
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Clouds
Only this height, makes it all seems so clear. The blinding horizon, is only guarded by fear.
You can’t see past yourself, when you are inside. If you think you can, you’ll be wrong in time.
Pushing or pulling? When does it stop? The key’s in the left, the right’s over the lock.
Edited by justinsanity (05/30/09 04:07 PM)
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JesusYodiHomeboy
Dimension Hopper

Registered: 03/19/09
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thats a nice starting point for your first poem even written. mario world must be an inspiring location
-------------------- She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand Like a lizard on a window pane The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors On his hobnail boots Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime A soap impression of his wife which he ate And donated to the National Trust
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Cubie
Moderator




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I like it.
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justinsanity
Sanityinjust



Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
Loc: Projection Room
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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Re: First poem. [Re: Cubie]
#10425578 - 05/30/09 02:44 PM (14 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hego Laws
You undo simplicity started by reasoning rational with tools not meant for it.
Embrace it, and it will be, the reason for work and suffering.
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justinsanity
Sanityinjust



Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
Loc: Projection Room
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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Empty Box
The more you know, you know it’s less, Soil your clues, to clean the mess.
Clean the mess, to soil the clues. You know the least, when you are you.
Unsolvable puzzle with only your piece. Lose it, and you’ll have a puzzle complete.
JUST WROTE, hope you like this one 
Woodgrain bold with liquid flow, patterns melt under the boats, an isle exists within the knot, oasis from the golden pond.
Layers flex and separate, the razor edges suffocate. Without breathe they lay back down, into the lake of bronze and brown.
Structure pushes up the flat, to form a wave of oily sap. A sudden lapse of memory. I'm feeling dry, stiff... grainy.
Edited by justinsanity (05/30/09 04:12 PM)
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JesusYodiHomeboy
Dimension Hopper

Registered: 03/19/09
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the last is your best, but my 2sense is that the last line needs to be re-worked
-------------------- She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand Like a lizard on a window pane The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors On his hobnail boots Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime A soap impression of his wife which he ate And donated to the National Trust
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justinsanity
Sanityinjust



Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
Loc: Projection Room
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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Yes it was a little forced
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JesusYodiHomeboy
Dimension Hopper

Registered: 03/19/09
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yeah, the last one you seem to branch out and start using your words as a paintbrush to help us see some of your descriptions, and i like that in writing.
"A wave of oily soap" "Patterns melt under the boats"
Very good opening line as well. challenge yourself and piece together a last line that rivals its effectiveness!
-------------------- She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand Like a lizard on a window pane The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors On his hobnail boots Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime A soap impression of his wife which he ate And donated to the National Trust
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justinsanity
Sanityinjust



Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 1,458
Loc: Projection Room
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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I wrote like 20 poems today and it was the first time I ever wrote any. So I'm burned out lyrically. I like the imagery concept too, best way of making it feel involved without confusion.
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