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 dollylama
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Registered: 08/22/08
Posts: 43
Last seen: 14 years, 11 months
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 MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. 
#10146535 - 04/11/09 05:20 AM (15 years, 9 days ago) |
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So. I started smoking again pot again, after a long hiatus. I stopped smoking because I had a terrible "bad trip" on pot: I know, I know! Please nobody barrage me with "Dude, its just weed, you cant have bad trips" and " dude, i blaze everyday, and i can take bigger hits than you , and i can function completely normal" . Anyhow, what happened with my bad trip in the past was this: I realized that my short term memory got reduced to absolutely nothing, because i was so high, and i forgot where i was, and then who I was - and i absolutely FREAK OUT! My flight or flight system sets off like a mofo, and i begin to convulse, my heart goes of the chart, and I have panic attacks.
Now here is the deal. Every since that first episode, if ever even smoked a little bit of weed, all of this shit would come back to me- and i instantly feel extremely scared, and the additional extremely stupid for smoking pot again ( hoping that it would turn out to be that nice calm, funny, euphoric high i used to get before my first incident) So, I took a very long break from weed.
After many a thought about what happened, and hoping that i had spent enough time away from weed , I decided to ease back into smoking. I started small at the beginning of this week, just taking a hit of some mids. Got a little high, a little anxious, but that's it. Next day I smoke a little more- FINALLY MY FIRST NORMAL ENJOYABLE HIGH. Now today, i decided to push the limits, and have a few more hits than last time, so I could really buckle down and listen to some music ( my favorite thing to do well high). Everything was going well, then BAM! it hit me like a freight train. The crazy "bad trip" feel was back. But this time i was a little more prepared, and i did everything i could to relax, like i told myself to do in case happened ( because part of what made me freak out so much the first time, was the fact that i had never had a bad trip on anything ever, and it took me by surprise). I ran into my room, laid on my bed, and I closed my eyes, thinking that if reduced the amount of stimuli i would get less scared. And that's when i realized that I was having an ego melt. Yes, this is what was happening all along - My ego was melting on weed. I realized this, because as i began to let go, I started loosing my body, and i felt like all my 5 senses blended into one, and i couldn't tell the difference between them. I felt like i turned into this entity of pure energy, and it was an extremely naked, painful, yet very honest state. The depth of my strange existence weighed on me, and it was a very scary, yet awe stricken feeling. Thankfully enough, dealing with the experience and letting it happen completely stopped the convulsions and the panic attacks from happening at all( although my heart was still going crazy). An hour later and a nap, I actually got back to baseline, and felt semi normal.
I really wanted to tell you guys about this, because to be honest, I'm kind of existentially scared right now. It was such an amazing experience, but the implications of it almost seem to much to handle. Anyone else felt this way? I have this feeling in me that is very contradictory, because I have always wanted to feel something big, and I always hoped I could experience something that would instill a sense of purpose or higher meaning in life- and now i feel like that just happened, and it was just so deep, that it scares me that I'm a part of it. I mean, I also feel especially strange because this is happening on marijuana. O, BY THE WAY : The shit is not laced, and in fact, its not even very good weed.
I dont think I will every smoke weed again with the intention relaxing and having a few laughs. I'm not smoking for a long time, and I don't know if i ever will grow the courage to do it again, because today was just too heavy.
Comments/advice/ reassurance/questions I would also feel nice if someone told me everything was going to be OK.
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Coaster
Baʿal
 
Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 33,501
Loc: Deep in the Valley
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: dollylama]
#10146545 - 04/11/09 05:37 AM (15 years, 9 days ago) |
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ya man i get that sometimes
i even got that when i was like 9 years old
its basically an epiphany
weed isnt for every1
sounds like u jus need 1 small hit of some low grade weed to be happy
dont take it so far
reality is a tough place
and when ur high ur eyes are wide open and u c it for how it is
u just got to accept our insignificant existence on this speck we call earth in this infinite spherical universe
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dollylama
Stranger
Registered: 08/22/08
Posts: 43
Last seen: 14 years, 11 months
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Coaster]
#10146566 - 04/11/09 05:55 AM (15 years, 9 days ago) |
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Wow, when you were 9! That's a young age for such heavy enlightenment. Appreciate the words though.
I must say i kind of disagree with your last line though. Everything about this experience overflowed with existential significance- That's why it was so scary. I don't claim to know whether my existence is significant or not. I'm just always very taken back by any "sure statement" involving existence and or the universe, how can you be so sure?
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Coaster
Baʿal
Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 33,501
Loc: Deep in the Valley
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: dollylama]
#10146575 - 04/11/09 06:02 AM (15 years, 9 days ago) |
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think about how puny our existence is
the human race is 10 billion strong and we all fit on earth
if earth just disappeared from the universe
it would be the tiniest blip in time
our lifetime is about 100 years
earth has been around for billions of years
that magnitude completely obliterates our significance
our earth takes up .0001% of our solar system
our solar system takes up .000001% of our galaxy
and the milky way is one of billions of others
we are as significant as a single cell
but some can argue that cells are extremely vital
it all depends on how you look at it i suppose
in 120 years every single person on this earth will be fucking DEAD
will their knowledge carry through
maybe like 5% of it
eventually humans will destroy itself and life will start over again on earth and the cycle continues but its not indefinite
and nothing really matters in the end.
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dollylama
Stranger
Registered: 08/22/08
Posts: 43
Last seen: 14 years, 11 months
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Coaster]
#10146589 - 04/11/09 06:16 AM (15 years, 9 days ago) |
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I feel you on that. No doubt that in comparison to everything we are a speck. I guess I still think its possible that this speck, my existence, could be an eternal one- therefore the issue of size probably doesn't really matter when it come to the spiritual plane.
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neopet nub
Stranger
Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 2,408
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: dollylama]
#10146801 - 04/11/09 08:56 AM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Coaster 
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Ego death from weed!
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solstice
Hempowered
Registered: 02/14/09
Posts: 2,003
Loc: Silly Cunt Valley
Last seen: 10 years, 26 days
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: neopet nub]
#10146835 - 04/11/09 09:10 AM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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We tend to forget, or like to forget, that cannabis is a very powerful psycho-active. It works on a different level than other psychedelics but it still influences you in a deep way.
I feel you OP, I started smoking for fun and now I only use it to get into those states you are describing. Cannabis strips me of defenses and makes me feel foolish, which is good because I do take myself much too seriously and the ego doesn't like that at all! It fights all the way through and that is actually why I smoke! To practice some kind of dissolution of personality defenses. The whole point is getting out of the role you got into playing as you grew up... that's a painful thing to do, but pain leads to gain!
Take it easy.
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Man woke up in a world he did not understand and that is why he tries to interpret it - Carl Jung
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 Ell Ess Bree
reppin state tostate, wat uneed?
Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 914
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Coaster]
#10146963 - 04/11/09 10:03 AM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Quote:
Coaster said:
and nothing really matters in the end.
Oooooooohhhhh come now, Coaster, you know that I think you are The Man and I know that you know better than that.
It all matters very much so. Every last little detail.
It may not matter to us, but if we're talking about whats the purpose of the whole entire everything, then every last minute detail matters.
I can't tell any of you what the purpose of existence is. And even if I did, you wouldn't believe me until you saw it for yourself. Yageman has a pretty good idea.
Anyway, I can try an illustrate why everything ultimately matters. I repeat, I can try.
Imagine if it was possible to see extremely clearly the ultimate truth in our minds. We catch glimpses of it throughout the day, during our trips, during traumatic life experiences, but imagine we developed a sure-fire system or process or drug or anything that we could deliver each individual person into that would grant them 100% sight into the things we only peck at while tripping.
Imagine each and every single person was capable of considering this truth, HANDLING IT, and then returning back into society unscathed, and able to use it.
Imagine everyone has seen this truth, and how differently we would treat each other, our planet, Nature, our lives, etc...
Everyone being endlessly courteous to one another, all miscommunication is eradicated because people have finally reached the pinnacle of communication, understanding how to perfectly express themselves and move their exact thoughts from one mind to another, without anything lost in the transistion.
No one litters. There are no countries, just citizenship to Earth. No war, no famine, all evil eradicated.
What would happen next if we were all in control of ourselves completely across the planet?
We move onto the next section of the universe and repeat the process until we've totalled out all the way across, and THEN... well, at that point, something very very very very special and significant happens...
Of course, we could turn the other way and destroy everything, which is the road we're heading down, but the universe was prepared for that, and if it happens, the cycle will only begin again.
If we manage what I proposed above, the cycle needs not begin again. Something else will happen. 
Think about it.
Aaaand, tell me what you think, I guess.
I tried.
I tried to be as clear as I could.
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solstice
Hempowered
Registered: 02/14/09
Posts: 2,003
Loc: Silly Cunt Valley
Last seen: 10 years, 26 days
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Ell Ess Bree]
#10147110 - 04/11/09 10:49 AM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Very uplifting.. to me anyway. I like it! Where are you from dude?  haha
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Man woke up in a world he did not understand and that is why he tries to interpret it - Carl Jung
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neopet nub
Stranger
Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 2,408
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Ell Ess Bree]
#10147114 - 04/11/09 10:49 AM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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LSBree, I like how you think that everything matters so much, but life is just a joke.
btw, you should start up a new thread on heroin, i'm interested about how you're doing. 
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Ego death from weed!
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Ophanim
The Molecule'sSpirit
Registered: 10/01/07
Posts: 1,002
Last seen: 6 years, 19 days
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Ell Ess Bree]
#10147144 - 04/11/09 10:56 AM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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On a less metaphysical note, I had this happen to me on MJ a long while back. I've done some research since then and it seems like it's capable of causing severe serotonin/dopamine imbalances that is far less common on what would be considered "stronger" psychedelics. There are a number of natural ways to remedy this, both temporarily and indefinitely.
Back to the metaphysical stuff - pot is the psychedelic chameleon. Combining it with other psychedelics like mushrooms or DMT will change your weed high significantly. Over the course of my psychedelic journeys pot transformed from "laugh and play Mario Kart while listening to some dub" to "expand your consciousness and watch your surroundings morph.
So, you know, there's a lot more to Mary than meets the eye.
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I AM SWIM
doin' thangs
Registered: 12/24/08
Posts: 9,999
Loc: Feels Changsta Man
Last seen: 3 days, 19 hours
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Ophanim]
#10147182 - 04/11/09 11:05 AM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Quote:
Ophanim said:
Back to the metaphysical stuff - pot is the psychedelic chameleon.
That is the coolest thing I have ever heard. im givin u sum mushies for this.
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deCypher
Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 56,232
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Coaster]
#10147612 - 04/11/09 12:26 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Quote:
Coaster said:
and nothing really matters in the end.
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
  
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dollylama
Stranger
Registered: 08/22/08
Posts: 43
Last seen: 14 years, 11 months
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: deCypher]
#10148348 - 04/11/09 03:25 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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I think man must be careful to claim insignificance, and that "nothing really matters in the end". True, when I try to take in view of the world without preference, and try and see what "just is", the notion of being a biological being who will all end up back in the ground, strikes me with a cosmic indifference. But, I realized that I was only taking in one side of things. We must also integrate our personal experience with the our large grandiose ideas, for although we can speculate about others on a whole, we truly only know the nature of our own individual experience.
In my individual experience, something I have partly learned from psychedelics, is the significance of my emotions. I believe there is a very significant exchange, or currency if you will, between man and inside of man that is of very high value. We all know about love, and unfortunately we also know about hate. We all also know, that both these emotions have a huge power about them, that cause alterations and changes in our society and families every day. Who are we to say, that the source behind these magnificent forces of emotion, will peter out along with biological death. I think there is a good chance that they wont, meaning that there is significance in this existence, for I am part of this "spiritual/emotional" currency between man, and between the world.
Edited by dollylama (04/11/09 03:28 PM)
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Ell Ess Bree
reppin state tostate, wat uneed?
Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 914
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: dollylama]
#10148380 - 04/11/09 03:36 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Solstice, I'm in New York State. Have been for 21 years, minus the year I spent in Baltimore, MD -- easily the most intense, adventurous, and AMAZING year of my life thus far.
Neopet Nub, I want to make another heroin thread, but Cubie will probably come in there and cause trouble again until that one gets locked because he has nothing better to do with his time.
And to you people who say it all utlimately doesnt matter, don't let current events get you so down. Open your eyes, see that it does, or you're only contributing to the down fall.
It'll never be too late for us to turn it around. Just the deeper we get towards the evil side, the harder it will be to turn it around, the more of us who will have to band together at exactly the same moment to shift the balance.
It's a cop out to say it ultimately doesn't matter. It's really easy to do that. I know first hand because I used to feel the same way.
Then I realized that I was reaching limits in my thinking by holding onto this conclusion.
In a universe of infinite proportions, you'll know you're on the right track as you have less and less limitations and restrictions in the directions of your thinking.
The answers will be circular, spherical, you won't have to think around anything, as the answers will include EVERYTHING.
It will all click and make sense without having to leave anything out.
It's a matter of balance, acceptance, etc.
Think about it!
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pwnasaurus
Stranger
Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 12,317
Loc: Canada 
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Ell Ess Bree]
#10148468 - 04/11/09 03:59 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Coaster is an insightful dude for someone who does way too many drugs hahaha.
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Coaster
Baʿal
Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 33,501
Loc: Deep in the Valley
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: pwnasaurus]
#10148478 - 04/11/09 04:02 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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i think the two qualities are correlated 
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deCypher
Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 56,232
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Ell Ess Bree]
#10148607 - 04/11/09 04:37 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Quote:
Ell Ess Bree said:
It's a cop out to say it ultimately doesn't matter.
It's not a cop out, it's the truth. But bear in mind which perspective we're talking about; in the grand scheme of things all that we do is insignificant, yet from our own limited eyes it makes all the difference in the world.
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
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Ell Ess Bree
reppin state tostate, wat uneed?
Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 914
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: deCypher]
#10148644 - 04/11/09 04:49 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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I mean this in the most sincere possible way:
You've got it backwards, my brother.
From our own limited eyes, all that we do may seem insignificant.
In the grand scheme of things, every little last detail makes a difference.
Every act of good, on whatever scale, is one more step in the direction we should be wanting to go.
Every act of evil, on whatever scale, is one more step backwards.
Everytime we think it doesn't matter is a success for the evil forces.
Everytime we realize that evil has sucessfully influenced us into thinking we do not matter, we revoke that backwards step.
We matter.
Everything does.
Please meditate on this, trip on this, do whatever you have to do in order to recognize this, for you'll first be saving yourself, and then teaming up with the rest of us to save the universe.
I am only trying to help you, brother.
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deCypher
Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 56,232
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: Ell Ess Bree]
#10148653 - 04/11/09 04:51 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Quote:
Ell Ess Bree said:
Every act of good, on whatever scale, is one more step in the direction we should be wanting to go.
Every act of evil, on whatever scale, is one more step backwards.
Believing in the existence of an objective good and evil is one of the first step backwards IMO.
Although I appreciate your optimism I do not believe it holds up to rational examination.
Quote:
Ell Ess Bree said:
We matter.
Everything does.
I agree, but realize that the fact that everything matters as equally as everything else is essentially equivalent to the fact that nothing matters at all. In the end your decision to act is just as meaningful as my decision not to act.
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
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dollylama
Stranger
Registered: 08/22/08
Posts: 43
Last seen: 14 years, 11 months
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: deCypher]
#10148698 - 04/11/09 05:07 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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"I agree, but realize that the fact that everything matters as equally as everything else is essentially equivalent to the fact that nothing matters at all. In the end your decision to act is just as meaningful as my decision not to act. "
I dont see the logic in this, how does it uphold to rational examination (as you put it)?
I think I agree that you guys claiming insignificance are copping out. Afterall, its a great deal of responsibility to realize that you do matter, and the way that you decide to live your life will make a difference in something.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson
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deCypher
Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 56,232
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Re: MJ did me in- Heavy day, please read. [Re: deCypher]
#10148735 - 04/11/09 05:16 PM (15 years, 8 days ago) |
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Quote:
dollylama said:
"I agree, but realize that the fact that everything matters as equally as everything else is essentially equivalent to the fact that nothing matters at all. In the end your decision to act is just as meaningful as my decision not to act. "
I dont see the logic in this, how does it uphold to rational examination (as you put it)?
I think I agree that you guys claiming insignificance are copping out. Afterall, its a great deal of responsibility to realize that you do matter, and the way that you decide to live your life will make a difference in something.
Of course you matter, and of course the way you decide to live your life will affect yourself and others around you. The point is that this is still all subjective significance; meaning from the perspective of a human living on this third rock from the Sun. My intent in arguing against Ell Ess Bree was to counter the notion of some sort of grand cosmic destiny or overarching purpose for our lives; this I think is folly to pursue. Do what makes you happy, and create your own meaning. If you decide acting in a certain way is meaningful, then by all means pursue your own desires; just don't knock another person's decision of what's meaningful and what isn't.
If it makes any sense, I'm advocating existentialism rather than nihilism. I'm certainly not advocating teleology.
As for Marianne Williamson:
Quote:
dollylama said:
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the dark conscious.
--Carl Jung
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
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neopet nub
Stranger
Registered: 11/29/08
Posts: 2,408
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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Think about how each person in the year 1457 contributed sooooo much to current knowledge!!!! OMG!! We are important!
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Ego death from weed!
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