These are a bit long so bear with me. These are only the first step. After learning to recognize these self-criticizing and self-comparing scripts you need to change them! Another thing, this is out of a gay/lesbian self help book so just skim over the gay stuff if you aren't. After reading these, please do discuss! Do you think focusing on these would be helpful or not? etc... there's a lot here.
As in the case of both shame binds and defending scripts, the three scripts that reproduce shame from within first must be made fully conscious. Only then can they be systematically replaced with new scripts that are inherently self-affirming. Essentially we transform self-shaming scripts by rescripting them and turning the feeling of shame into feelings of self-love and self-respect. The initial step in this transformation process involves consciously observing our inner voices and identifying the ways we behave toward ourselves in particular situations. There are dozens of situations that illuminate how we shame ourselves. Remember the inner voice of shame is simply an entrance: it is the conscious residue of the scene. Imagine yourself in each of the following situations, and then try to identify your usual inner voices or ways of behaving.
1. When you get up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror, how do you behave toward yourself? What do you say inside, and how do you feel about yourself, as you first encounter your reflection in the mirror? Do you ever criticize your appearance, denigrate your physical attributes, or compare your body unfavorable to other’s bodies? And when you look in the mirror, do you take in your whole body or look only above the neck at your face? How about when you look in the mirror that final time before leaving your home for the day, what happens then? Later in the day, whenever you encounter your reflection, what do you say inside and how do you feel at those times? Whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, how do you really feel about being gay or lesbian? What do you think of yourself truly when you see yourself staring back at you? What are the actual words you whisper to yourself about being gay?
2. When you’ve blundered, failed, or made a serious mistake of judgment, how do you behave toward yourself? What words do you say toward yourself? How do you end up feeling about having failed or blundered? Do you ever blame yourself for mistakes, or hear a voice inside saying, “Well, you should have known better”? When things go wrong or relationships fail, do you ever find yourself blaming yourself for being lesbian or gay?
3. How do you react when you’ve done well at some venture or actually accomplished something of importance? How do you speak to yourself at these moments, and how do you honestly feel about your accomplishment or success? Do you ever hear a voice inside saying, “It could’ve been better-it wasn’t good enough”? And whenever your begin to feel good about being gay or lesbian, do you ever hear a voice inside whispering doubt?
4. How do you react to your own anger? How do you respond to having become angry with a friend, parent, or lover? Does becoming angry at someone else cause you to feel guilty or ashamed afterward? Do you feel wrong or bad for having become angry in the first place? Do you ever feel angry at being lesbian or gay? Does that anger make you feel worse?
5. How do you react toward yourself after interacting with someone in a position of authority, like a supervisor at work or a teacher at school? How do you speak to yourself then? How do you behave toward yourself? Do you worry about what that person actually thinks of you? Does that person suspect you’re gay? Does he or she know for certain? Whether or not the person actually knows that you’re gay or lesbian, YOU know it- so how do you behave toward yourself? And how does all that influence the ways you perceive your relationship?
6. You’ve just come away from meeting some new people for the first time. Do you worry about what they thought of you? Do you find fault with how you came across? Do you replay the situation, while also replaying over and over all the things you could have done better or said differently? Do you criticize yourself? Or do you compare yourself to those strangers and then feel lesser for the comparison? Do you wonder if they knew you were gay? Do you worry about it? If you came out to them, what do you suppose they really felt about you? If you didn’t come out, do you regret not doing so? How do you behave toward yourself in either case? If these people are gay, do you wonder if you’re “gay enough”? Butch enough? Political enough? Doing enough to fight AIDS?
7. When you leave the company of non gay people you know, how do you react inside? How do you behave toward yourself? Are you critical of how you acted, poking holes in yourself? Do your friends know you’re gay or lesbian? Are your friends accepting? Neutral? Somewhat critical? How does this shape how you feel about yourself, how you behave toward yourself? Did you hold back talking about yourself as gay in some way, or did you feel you talked about it too much?
8. You’ve just come away from a visit or phone call with your parents. Are you nurtured by the contact, or disappointed? How do you come away feeling about yourself? Do you behave toward yourself, even subtly, with blame or contempt? How do you feel about being gay after an interaction with your parents? Do you feel confident or in doubt, secure or at war with yourself? Do you come away feeling more self-loving or more self-hating?
9. How about when someone you know pays you a compliment or even says, “I like you.” Do you feel unworthy, undeserving, or ashamed? Does the other person know you’re gay, and how does that change your response to yourself? Do you ever find yourself whispering inside, “If he really knew me, he couldn’t possibly feel that way about me”?
10. How do you behave toward yourself when someone you know well actually disappoints you in some way? How do you react to your own feelings of disappointment? Do you reject your feelings or criticize yourself for having them? How does being lesbian or gay influence the way you react toward yourself?
11. When you’ve disappointed someone special, how do you react inside? Do you angrily accuse yourself over and over, actually blaming yourself for being a disappointment? Or do you criticize yourself mercilessly, loathing yourself, holding yourself in contempt? In the midst of these inner conversations, do you also find yourself attacking, either with blame or contempt, your gayness? Does that seeming unrelated aspect of yourself nevertheless become drawn into melee?
12. How do you behave toward yourself when you are suddenly feeling helpless, scared, needy, or insecure? What do you say to yourself in response to your own neediness? Do you feel worse because you’re feeling needy? And how do you feel about being gay or lesbian during these particular moments? Are you somehow more uncertain, more uncomfortable, because of being gay? Do you regret being lesbian or gay now, whereas at other times of greater inner security you feel no regret? Do you suddenly hate that part of you wishing you could somehow pluck it out? How about when you’ve become unexpectedly jealous, for example because your girlfriend or boyfriend has found a new interest, or a new friend? Even though you know there’s no real threat, still you’re jealous. What are the words you actually say to yourself in response to your jealousy, and how do you end up feeling about yourself? Do you feel even worse about yourself because you’re jealous?
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