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InvisibleGumby
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Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial (Help me update it!) * 9
    #9649739 - 01/20/09 11:47 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Alright, I repair computers for my job and for friends. I'm sick of you motherfuckers asking me to fix your slow ass computer. The reason your shit is slow is because you suck at the internet. And I'm gonna tell you sons of bitches how to not suck at the internet. This post is for Windows users, so back off you elitist Linux and Mac assholes.

1. If your computer is slow, download Adaware and SpyBot. Update both of them and run them. No, not at the same time you retard. One after the other.

3/31/2010 update: If your computer-retarded ass is still having problems, then try downloading Malwarebytes and running it. Also try CCleaner to clean your registry of all the shit that has been added by the programs your dumbass unknowingly downloaded and installed. It'll make your shit run faster. Like NOS, but for a computer. Ok, no, not really. But it helps a lot.

2. If you're using Internet Explorer you're a dumb son of a whore. Stop that shit. Download FireFox. Install it, use it. Remember, Internet Explorer is useless shit that is full of security flaws.

3. Download the Adblock Plus add-on for Firefox. It blocks almost every source of those burn-a-hole-in-your-fucking-retina flashing ads, and consequently, most sources of adware and spyware. Fans of streaming porn be warned: it has fucked with my ability to use RedTube and Spankwire. My solution: Google Chrome, another browser with a low likelihood of allowing ad/spyware/virus infections. It has the added bonus feature of "incognito mode," an option that leaves no history of your browsing. No one will ever know about your horse porn and gay black men fetishes.

4. If you use ANY file sharing network (torrents, soulseek, limewire, etc.) download PeerBlock 2. This software will block your dumbass from connecting to anyone who might sue the living shit out of you for illegal downloading. When setup asks what you want to block, I'd recommend checking the boxes for P2P, Ads, and Spyware. Also be sure to check the "Allow HTTP" box otherwise websites ain't gonna work... And that means no Shroomery.

5. If you use AIM and you're using that new-fangled Triton version... You're a tard. It's an incredible resource hog and will slow your shit down like grandpa Moses. Oldschool AIM is the way to go. Download AIM 5.9.6089 and install it. Then download Middleman, a plugin for AIM that allows you to block the ads, eliminate the useless toolbars at the bottom of buddylist window, tabs windows, logs convos, and allows you to rename your buddies. You'd be stupid not to use Middleman.

3/31/2010 update: Looking back on it, my dumbass should have looked into some of the multiclient IM programs, seeing how I use AIM, Gchat, Facebook, and IRC. I was running about 4 different chat programs when I could have just been running one. I'm currently using Digsby, which supports AIM, MSN, Yahoo, Gchat, Facebook, and MySpace IM(who uses that shit?). Digsby is bitchin' because it has a lot of themes and a ton of options on how you want things laid out. It also has a very clean look to it. And! it does all the same shit that Middleman does. There are plenty of other multiclient IM programs out there click here to see which one fits you best.


6. Lastly, consider buying or torrenting some kind of antivirus program. I'd recommend buying it, it's worth supporting them. My personal reccomendation is one of Trend Micro's products like PC Cillin. I've been using Trend Micro's products for about 12 years and have never been infected with a virus. I've had a few, but they never got around to infecting me. An added benefit: their products also scan/block adware and spyware. If you're too cheap for a real antivirus program, try AVG. Update all your shit frequently, viruses and malware are created frequently.

3/31/2010 update: Fuck TrendMicro. I was using their OfficeScan antivirus provided by my university and the sons of bitches started saying which websites I could and couldn't go to. Fuck that shit. If I wanna look up something illegal, thats my fucking right you bastards. So yeah, like I said fuck them. After reading reviews I switched to BitDefender. S'aight, runs in the background and shit and I don't even notice it. Another excellent antivirus program is Kapersky. Lastly, if your cheap computer tard ass doesn't know how to "obtain" the high end antivirus software, look into Microsoft Security Essentials, cuz it's free. I put that shit on my netbook. I've been to my fair share of pornsites on that netbook and no viruses yet, so I guess it works.

Also very important: If you have antivirus or antimalware installed, these should be the ONLY programs notifying you of an infection. If you see something on a webpage or get a popup on your computer from another program saying "You are infected with teh.super.fux.ur.computard.up virus, click here to fix it!" DON'T CLICK THAT. Only the programs you have installed to protect your computer will pop up telling. Any other source of "hey dude ur computer's fucked up, click here" popup will likely install a virus or malware. You can thank Platinum for that tip.

There you go. Now stop asking me to fix your computers because you suck at the internet you fuckerfaces.

Last Update: 4/2/10

Edited by Gumby (05/24/12 01:48 PM)

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InvisiblePyroBurns
душа кофе


Registered: 10/14/07
Posts: 4,343
Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: Gumby]
    #9649745 - 01/20/09 11:48 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

I'm good with computers but I still use IE6. I'm too lazy to get used to Firefox.


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Remember to cut your nails regularly.


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InvisibleShockValue
Because, ShockValue.


Registered: 11/18/08
Posts: 5,097
Loc: Tipping at windmills.
Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: Gumby]
    #9649749 - 01/20/09 11:49 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

+5 for you.  I'm a sys and cisco network admin, and I STILL have to fix people's computers full of spyware.


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  • When we built temples to view the stars, we knew about all 2000 of them.

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Invisibleniteowl
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: PyroBurns]
    #9649759 - 01/20/09 11:51 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

It doesn't take much getting used to really

Fuck IE


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Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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OfflineThe_Ghost
ゴースト

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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: niteowl]
    #9649767 - 01/20/09 11:52 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Lol yes. What is there to 'get used to'?


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/ / / / / / / LISTEN TO MY MUSIC: E X E D / / / / / / /
The universe gives no fucks. And takes no fucks.
May His Circuits Ever Function

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InvisiblePyroBurns
душа кофе


Registered: 10/14/07
Posts: 4,343
Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: niteowl]
    #9649768 - 01/20/09 11:53 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

But it's so easy just to double click the blue circle.

and it doesn't have updates or add ons.

but then again it's starting to crash a lot and not work on many webpages.


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Remember to cut your nails regularly.


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InvisibleGumby
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Posts: 26,656
Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: PyroBurns]
    #9649787 - 01/20/09 11:58 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

IE has updates, they're just included with Windows updates. FireFox checks for updates automatically. All you have to do to update is restart FireFox. Any it remembers the webpages you had open the last time you closed it. It even gives you the option to reopen pages from last session or start a new session.

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Offlineillume
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Registered: 05/19/08
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: PyroBurns]
    #9649788 - 01/20/09 11:58 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

:fuie:

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OfflineThe_Ghost
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: illume]
    #9649803 - 01/21/09 12:02 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Opera's good too.


--------------------
/ / / / / / / LISTEN TO MY MUSIC: E X E D / / / / / / /
The universe gives no fucks. And takes no fucks.
May His Circuits Ever Function

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Invisiblemagikgrl
~Inevitable~
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: illume]
    #9649804 - 01/21/09 12:02 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Nice post, so true.

I repeat myself so many times, it's ridiculous.


--------------------

"In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...go figure."

Becoming human was not part of the plan...

I wish I could be as high as my tolerance-danlennon

Reality is a crutch for those that can't cope with drugs.

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Invisibletruekimbo2
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: magikgrl]
    #9649832 - 01/21/09 12:14 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

i've been running into some weird acrobat trojan with firefox... i don't know i ran adaware and spybot, but every so often my firefox will just go to an IP address that is a blank acrobat file that hogs all my system resources.

i'm not concerned though.


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You can check the last post in my journal for contact info.

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InvisibleGumby
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Posts: 26,656
Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: truekimbo2]
    #9649857 - 01/21/09 12:24 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

http://housecall65.trendmicro.com/

Try doing a system scan with that. It's an intertubez based virus/malware scan. Does the same thing their virus scan software would do but doesn't offer any real time protection.

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InvisibleAtheist
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Registered: 01/24/06
Posts: 13,705
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: Gumby]
    #9649858 - 01/21/09 12:24 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

i only use chrome now, its faster than firefox IME

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InvisibleGumby
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: Atheist]
    #9649860 - 01/21/09 12:25 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Yeah, it's faster with loading pages, but I like the FF add-ons much better. There's a ginormous selection.

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Invisiblemagikgrl
~Inevitable~
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: Atheist]
    #9649867 - 01/21/09 12:27 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Might I add, HijackThis!, a tad more advanced, but really does the trick. You can post your logs in our security forum, or there's several forums that deal directly with HJT log files.


--------------------

"In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...go figure."

Becoming human was not part of the plan...

I wish I could be as high as my tolerance-danlennon

Reality is a crutch for those that can't cope with drugs.

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InvisibleAtheist
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Posts: 13,705
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: Gumby]
    #9649869 - 01/21/09 12:27 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

thats the only thing i miss.. maybe i should download ff just for the hell of it.

chrome loads so fuckin fast its amazing.. my comp is so fast too no viruses ever its like brand new

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Invisiblemagikgrl
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: magikgrl]
    #9649877 - 01/21/09 12:31 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

I hate antivirus proggy's.

All of them tend to be system hogs, and if you secure your system properly, I don't see a need to have it running. A decent firewall such as ZoneAlarm and don't visit crazy ass sites, keep Spybot and Adaware updated, run em every month, etc, you can keep yourself pretty safe.


--------------------

"In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...go figure."

Becoming human was not part of the plan...

I wish I could be as high as my tolerance-danlennon

Reality is a crutch for those that can't cope with drugs.

Edited by magikgrl (01/21/09 12:32 AM)

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InvisibleAlec_Baldwin
Reigning On High
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: magikgrl]
    #9649883 - 01/21/09 12:33 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

I thought only fat, dorky, and obviously uncool guys only use Windows?


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Tune in, Freak out, Get Beaten.

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Invisiblemagikgrl
~Inevitable~
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Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: Alec_Baldwin]
    #9649891 - 01/21/09 12:36 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

Lol. I have a degree in Comp sci/Networking.

I'm also a system/network admin chick :laugh:


--------------------

"In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...go figure."

Becoming human was not part of the plan...

I wish I could be as high as my tolerance-danlennon

Reality is a crutch for those that can't cope with drugs.

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InvisibleGumby
Fishnologist
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Registered: 06/13/01
Posts: 26,656
Re: Gumby's How To Not Suck At The Internet Tutorial [Re: magikgrl]
    #9649896 - 01/21/09 12:39 AM (15 years, 1 month ago)

I didn't mention HJT because I figured that the people who are out there using IE and getting malware wouldn't know how to use it. It is a great tool though.

Alec Baldwin: Usually the fat uncool nerds are the ones running Linux. Not all of us are fat and unsocial though :lol:

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