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Offlinejonathanseagull
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Male

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 993
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Family full of anger... the after effects.
    #8188762 - 03/24/08 07:25 PM (16 years, 7 days ago)

Quick and easy backstory: me and my brother were around 4-8 I think, my sister 7-10, not real sure. My dad was an alcoholic. We were forced to live with excessive physical punishment (borderline abuse), emotional and verbal abuse, psychological abuse and intimidation, and the use of Christianity to instill fear and guilt. He quits drinking finally, and the only thing in that list that is removed is excessive physical punishment. But still physical punishment. Fast foward to the present. My father is now an alcoholic again and a crack abuser, for the past 5 years. All of that stuff is back, but only my mother lives with him now, and puts up with his crap.

I say all of that to say that myself, brother, and sister's apples didn't fall far from the tree. We all have/had anger problems. I got over mine during a drug-induced crisis. I would always walk around mad. My brother has a terrible temper that goes off at nothing. My sister is overly aggressive about everything. Growing up, this caused us to fight constantly.

Now, I realize why it happened, how, etc. At some point I realized it, and was bitter. A psychedelic-induced psychotic break helped rewire me, and I no longer have this problem (it's weird, yet amazing and liberating). Now, being removed from my own anger problems and understanding more about the causes, triggers, and all of that, I can watch my brother and sister suffer needlessly, and cause others harm, such as their friends and spouses.

I'm basically here for discussion, and comforting words, and advice. I've made an attempt to deepen, cushion, and heal relationships with my family, and have gotten far, all except for my father, which is an entire different ballgame at this point. Me and my mother are super buds now. My sister and I hang out and go out and have fun, and her aggressiveness gets played off constantly under the guise of jokes, but it doesn't get in the way too bad. Now, on the other hand, my brother's short-fuse temper tantrums is making it difficult for me to even want to be around him.

He comes over to my place constantly. And 90% of the time it ends with him storming out the door, slinging insults and "fuck you's". For instance, he just left in that manner. He was telling me how one of his roommate's friends lit off a bottle rocket in their front yard at three in the morning, and an old lady came over and was angry about it. He went on to say how this friend must have no sense, etc. I said "eh, if it was only one bottle rocket, it seems she's blowing it up into something it's not, making a bigger deal out of it than needed." To which he replies, slightly irritated, "remember when the people below your apartment used to play music all night and you'd get upset?" And I said "It's hardly the same thing". And he flips out.

The framework usually goes with him constantly talking outloud about his problems; girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, roommates, band members, etc. He dwells on it, and wants to air everything out to me and our mutual friend, who lives with me. But as soon as we give our perspective, if it isn't in alignment with his own, he rants on angrily about how he didn't ask for our opinions, and then we say "then why did you bring it up if you didn't want a discussion or an opinion?". He see's the flaw in his argument and resorts to insults and name-calling, and eventually storms out the door. Sometimes I get a text message saying he's sorry. Sometimes he realizes it was his fault, other times it remains mine (our mutual friend is passive and avoids conflict, so it ends up my fault).

A person has to eventually realize that it's not "everybody else". If EVERYBODY else pisses you off constantly, sooner or later you'd think you'd realize the problem was YOU. But he doesn't. Or maybe he does, but he's not actively seeking to better himself. He's the king of rationalizations and blame-assigning.

I try to be patient, but it's really to the point where nothing I say is right. I know some of you know what I'm talking about. The guy is going to get angry regardless.

What can I do? Should I approach a calm sit-down talk about this problem? Bringing it up always makes him uncomfortable. He always says "You think you're mister spiritual. You think you're mister psychology. I don't want to hear about that shit. I already know all of that stuff."

He often says that I need to think about what I say before I say it, in regards to things that piss him off, like "it was only one bottle rocket". I speak in a very neutral manner. I feel like he takes my words and stabs himself with them with his insecurities, and then acts like its my fault that his feelings are hurt. He's constantly filtering peoples words to see if they are insulting him or being sly or if there is any subtextual meaning that's trying to insult him. Of course, he finds it.

I don't know. I'm rambling. If you read this, thank you, and please respond with your opinion or anything, if you wish. If anyone else has gone through such a thing and conquered it, please tell your story. I understand I can't fight his battle with anger for him. How can I learn more patience? How can I keep my own head up when he storms out? I feel like it's just another opportunity to love my brother failed. I feel like some how I've failed, although I know that's not right.

*shrug*


--------------------
Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show, That the dear She might take some pleasure of my pain: Pleasure might cause her read, reading might make her know, Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain.

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OfflineJoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
Re: Family full of anger... the after effects. [Re: jonathanseagull]
    #8189101 - 03/24/08 08:21 PM (16 years, 7 days ago)

hey doggy how diggidy diggidy.

ok.

The problem is complicated; it is something that our cultural beliefs imply about who we are that causes these fights, especially in your father and brother.

The simple reason it matter for your brother to do those three things he is always trying to do; is because he believes that he is, is defined by the things we have, we have to give and the things we get.

A struggle begins here because people feel bad about themselves, when you attempt to give him advice....for the simple reason that he see's the possibility that he wants to accept the advice, reflects that he lacks something you dont, showing him that you ARE better than him, in that way - something he wants nothing about.

It would be best to talk to him about knowledge and 'thinking' in this way first.

While you are conersating about something ask him for advice on something. once he is settled in giving you advice about such things, start to talk about what it means to take advice from someone - add something in like - you are not following the person when you follow their advice - you actually are following logic, rationalization - the eternal form of truth.

The barrier is trully an emotional barrier, because it seems like he wants help, he wants to be loved, but he is in a constant state of anxiety about feeling bad about himself, that it makes the dialogue impossible.

This is why it would be best for you think about what it means to communicate with someone, in all its aspects, starting with this one? Ponder questions like; what does it mean when someone gives you knowledge - is it correct to use it as a way to judge someones worth, value and character? Who are we in relation to giving and getting advice, in relation to believing someones ideas?

This would be the best stuff, in my persistint best, to generate a better dialogue between your bro.

I love you.


--------------------
The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.

And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.

Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.

Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....

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