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OfflineDrCamacho89
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Registered: 03/12/07
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Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?)
    #6661447 - 03/12/07 01:52 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

So, normally I don't come to anyone with relationship advice because I've learned in the past that everyone's past experiences are different and you can never make a decision based on other's imput. Anyway, I guess I'm not asking for advice rather an outside opinion on my actions in regards to my situation.

My girlfriend and I met a year ago while she was visiting the city I lived. We hit it off immediately, we bonded extensively over the phone and email right away, and before we knew it a long distance relationship had begun. I had to get accustomed to an adult relationship (really my first, being 26 and life's realities didn't matter as much before) and at first I thought the long distance would be a good way to ease into it. However, our attraction grew so close so fast that we were flying to see the other every other weekend and she also was there for me during a death in my immediate family 4 months into the relationship. Long story short, she is 5 years older than me, divorced, and a single mother of one, and had lived and learned through the deterioration of a marriage (the father still has 50 % custody, so they are forced to interact but their relationship is still full of anger and hate). Needless to say, I realized I got in a little over my head however I truly loved her so my mindset was to work through each problem as it arises. Since we've been together, we worked through many potentially relationship-ending situations. Because of her past, she has severe trust and jealousy issues. Back in October she read email exchanges between myself and a girl I still kept in touch with via email. No sexual stuff, maybe a few flirtations, however the mere fact that I was talking to a girl behind her back severely severed her trust in me therefore causing me to become suspicious of her due to the overeaction, or so I thought, to what had happened. We worked through it, and through a tough couple of month transition, I ended up moving to a city that was closer to her (due to the nature of my job, I can only work in large metropolis' and I am not an hour an a half car ride away). The day after I moved, she found out she was pregnant. She was upset about it because the timing was indeed awful. I didn't react well to it either, but that was because she seemed like she was feeling what I was feeling. We didn't talk to in depth about it and then she had a miscarriage. Since then, she has been extremely distant from me, almost as if she's pulling away slowly. She has told me flat out that my reaction to it really hurt her feelings and opinion of me and that she was only upset about it because she knew I would be upset about it. If I would have been happy, so would she have been. That confuses me the most but I'm starting to understand.

Anyway, rambling. The last month and a half, since the miscarriage, she wants to be alone a lot, well not alone, she wants to spend time with her daughter, family and friends without me there. She never comes to see me, makes excuses, and the only 2 times we have seen each other is when I came to her. She says my reaction brought back the terrible feelings she felt when she discovered the email. She is depressed, I know it. She has a history of this, as do I, and I really want to see her through this time. She was supposed to move to my city this summer, but now she is only finding the negatives and bringing up things that she needs that seem as if she is asking too much from me without realizing this is a give and take. I feel as if I have bent over backwards to make this relationship work, uprooting my life and all, but in her eyes that doesn't make up for the mistakes I have made (mostly my reaction to a possible baby). She is very angry towards me, flips on a dime, and her trust issues have worsened. She seems to be always suspicious of what I'm doing. She constantly says things like "if you want to go and be free go", "I can make it on my own without you" "I've made it this far living my life this way, I know how to survive" I have never once mentioned me leaving her, but I feel as if she is trying to tell me she wants to leave me and wants to make sure that I will indeed be the one who is able to survive.

My question is this, I really do think that the best thing for her would be to concentrate on her daughter right now, so I am trying to encourage that even though I want her to want to be with me. This is pulling us farther apart. I am almost getting used to being on my own again, as if we really broke up a month and a half ago and now I'm starting to get over it. I love her very much, and I'm not going to leave her. I know she has her anger and depression issues because she has been mistreated by most of the men throughout her life. I think she needs to know that I will always be here for her and I will not leave her in a time of trouble. I think for her own good, she needs to be the one making decisions in her life and not feel that she is succumbing to a man's demands. I know she must be going through a very difficult time mentally and I don't want to add to it. The thing is, I'm getting to a point where if she leaves me, I won't put up too much of a fight. I'm tired. I know she's tired. We're clinging to it only because we both know this is, or scary to think was, true love. Should I let this carry out? Should I keep acting in this like I would wish someone to do for me? I am doing fine. It's not hurting me as much as it was last week and if she does express to me that she really wants this to work (not in words, but in action) I would be all for it. I'm becoming accustomed to my new city, and with spring almost here, I can feel my energy lifting and I'm ready to explore. I want to do all this with her, those were our plans, but now she is letting me know constantly that my plans are too lazy and immature for her. I feel, rationally or irrationally, that she takes all I have sacrificed for her for granted. The truth is, she can take whatever she wants from me, she deserves it all. However, I don't want to be constantly criticized and demeaned in the process.

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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?) [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6661771 - 03/12/07 03:11 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

It sounds like you already know what you want to do: enjoy your life as it is, yet keep a space for her to be in it if she can do so in a loving and respectful manner.

IMO, the best way to create a loving relationship is to fully enjoy your life with or without one. That way, you can love without desperation and fear. You know that you will be happy alone, and that it is preferable to enjoy your life by yourself than to be miserable with someone else.

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InvisibleBrainiac
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Re: Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?) [Re: Veritas]
    #6661788 - 03/12/07 03:17 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

I would love to have a girlfriend.:sad:


--------------------
:Awesketch:

:cool: Fair is Fair :devil:

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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?) [Re: Brainiac]
    #6661815 - 03/12/07 03:26 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!  Really, though, it pays to work out some specifics in advance.  "A girlfriend" is wayyyy too vague.  :grin:

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OfflineDrCamacho89
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Re: Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?) [Re: Veritas]
    #6661820 - 03/12/07 03:29 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

I agree with what you're saying Veritas. Ya see, it's a double edged sword. When I call too much or "press her", she gets angry that I'm not giving her space. When I give her space and do my own thing, she gets suspicious that I'm sneaking around behind her back. It's becoming an everyday draining discussion that seems to have hit the point of excessively talking in circles. It seems impossible for me to live my life in harmony with us still in contact, however I will not be the one to give up. I can't do that to her. and I have a feeling she may be thinking the same way.

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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?) [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6661871 - 03/12/07 03:46 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

Quote:

It seems impossible for me to live my life in harmony with us still in contact




Perhaps very difficult, but not impossible. I know how much of a challenge it is to not take someone's negative reactions personally, but it sounds like this is the ONLY way to remain in contact with this woman. Her anger and suspicion are NOT your problem, and trying to talk her out of them is a lost cause.

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Invisiblehankydanky2k
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Re: Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?) [Re: Veritas]
    #6662289 - 03/12/07 05:51 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

I wrote a huge post in reply to what you said here and just lost it, but I will sum it up briefly here anyways.

If you were trying to figure out how relationships could best benefit your life, and all the people you were trying to have relationships with kept growing distant from you and not really telling you why they felt this was happening, or even that it was happening at all, what would you learn, if anything?

You need to be totally honest with this woman if you want to help her at all. The entire last paragraph you wrote sounds like all the things you might want to tell her, but are afraid to tell her. If you don't tell her these feelings and thoughts (and I'm sure theres far more than just those), damaging as it may be, the relationship will end and she will have gained nothing from it but a few months of feeling less depressed only to become worse afterwards. Staying with her doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with her. Let her know you two have nothing if not trust, and that you do feel abused emotionally even if it was unintentional on her part. Being totally honest is obviously something she has found in short supply in the past, and it looks like she found it again. You do have the power to change this for her, even if it means the relationship will be over. It's not a lack of relationships that has been hurting her, and I think you probably know what you want to do now.

I know this may sound harsh, but please see that I am not talking out of spite, but compassion. I am obviously interested to hear what you want to do and how it turns out.


--------------------
The above post is fictitous, and any coincedence between it and real people, places, or events is unintentional.

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OfflineDrCamacho89
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Registered: 03/12/07
Posts: 1,981
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Re: Complex Relationship (but whose isn't, right?) [Re: hankydanky2k]
    #6663045 - 03/12/07 09:44 PM (17 years, 21 days ago)

Thanks for the honesty Hanky. It is actually a very good response. Thank you Veritas too. I organized my thoughts for that post but believe it or not, I've said everything to her. She knows I'm upset with how she treats me, we took our time and had a pretty intelligent argument/discussion about it and she was very honest on her end too, but unfortunately there is so much left up in the air and I don't think we are ready to part yet without understanding more about what's happened to us. I don't know if I want to part, I guess that is another obstacle to my situation. I don't want to tell her I want to part because, honestly, I don't want to. I know we can work it out, but we both have to be willing. I think she's pre-occupied with her thoughts right now, and while I understand, it's causing us to drift. I'm sure I am playing a role in it somehow, but it's so damn hard to know what she wants from me. One minute it's one thing. The next, another. That's women I guess. Either way, I am looking at this experience as a learning one. I've been through the denial, anger, depression, and I"m starting to come to terms with the reality of it all. I think once she comes to terms with it, we will be able to make headway. But who am I to rush her? I've said my peace, and I'm going to leave it up to her with no stones unturned. Until then, we'll have to see what happens.


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"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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