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OfflineBEManni
Stranger
Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 2
Last seen: 17 years, 1 month
Frightened by my last trip
    #6543302 - 02/08/07 04:58 AM (17 years, 1 month ago)

Sorry for my poor english, be tolerant to mistakes :wink:
Hi, I'm a very occasional mushroom taker, in fact I took 3 times in 6 years.

The first time, it was good and funny, I was with my girlfriend and we shared the same illusions, laughing and then had an unforgetable sex experience.

The second time, it was good for me but not for her, she began to have a very bad trip, but as I was less sensitive than her, I could simply tell her a stupid joke and then she couldn't stop laughing and we appreciated the rest of the trip together.

The third time took place 2 weeks ago and it was by far the most frightening and life changing trip I've ever had.

I took it alone, I know it's bad, I'm not here to get lessons about it, my aim for this trip was to get more knowledge of the universe so I thought my mind would be better without any interference.

It went bad, very bad. The beginning was awesome, looking at computer generated pictures from music on my LCD TV, colours mixing to the rest of the room as a kaleidoscope, the whole room was an extension to the screen. Then a bright tunnel surrounded me, colours were there too, all over me, I felt like I was in an underwater tunnel, separated of a colourful world by a layer of glass.

Then I lost consciousness and when I came back, it was like hell.

I didn't know for how many hours I was tripping, to me it seemed to have last days as I had some flashbacks of evening and morning which did never happen...

I panicked as I thought I really messed with my mind this time and that I would never be normal again, I kept on seeing everything blurred, moving and I couldn't get over it, I was also frightened that I could do bad things without even knowing what I had done. I then touched the infinite and the neant, the universe seemed 100% created by my brain, everything outside was created by me and didn't really exist as I thought it existed before and that was so frightening... I was in the middle of 1000 issues to this trip, the worse ones (family and girlfriend crying, death or madness) and I could barely see good ones. I asked myself so many times "How can I return to a normal state after having seen all that ?" or even "Is this my existence, is that what I've been able to accomplish since now, is that what I've become ? Then I should die.".

I wanted to die for approximately one hour, but I wanted my last words to be "I love you" as love seemed the only good thing I had in this world. I was thinking of my spiritual signature that would stay in this universe, that was the only thing that would remain of me. I felt  so bad...  But death wouldn't come, I was suffering badly and the only way was a way out filled with pain, as if death doesn't actually exist. Death felt like another way to choose... But you see the choices in front of you and aren't the one who choose anymore. I couldn't stand reality whatever it would be, I couldn't accept it and kept telling myself that the most harmless thing was to die mentally or physically. The phone rang, my girlfriend  asked how I was feeling. She didn't know about the trip and she didn't even understand when I cried at the phone and asked her to come back as quickly as possible, that I was having a very bad trip and that only her could come to save me(she had to drive for one hour to come back).

The truth is I didn't want to say that on the phone, it didn't came from myself, I wanted to stay alone and assume my own mistakes.

After that I couldn't say if that phone call had been real, I still couldn't accept reality and I did surrender. I was much more quiet as if I was dying as I wanted it, and that was not bad anymore. I closed my eyes for a while, then suddenly, approximately fifteen minutes after, I said to myself... Ok let's accept the consequences and stop it. I took the remote control, shut off music and screen and went to bed. Believe me or not, as I pushed the power button I was out of it. There I thought at what I could tell to my girlfriend, the truth was the only thing I could tell her, I have been so down that nothing could be worse anyway, I wasn't afraid to be honest anymore, honest to the others and honest to myself. I really changed, everything "bad" in my mind has been cut down and now I wish to do good all around me, even if I have to suffer for it.

I had a flashback (which lasted 2 days) 3 days ago and I'm really afraid to get one more. I thought I could get over it now that I understood what I've been through, but it's so powerful I've lost my mind once again. I think I have become paranoid and bipolar. At least, my mind has become so fragile... I think I can become mad or lose my mind at any moment, I can now become a psychotic and the only thing I can do is to fight against it as long as possible. I came back to the state where I think everything outside is created by my mind and it's so frightening, I don't really know why, maybe because I feel I've got no strings attached, maybe because being its own god and not having any guideline is the worst thing you can have for a living. I've seen you, people I contact from the Internet as imaginary, history of past and future completely created, the only thing here is me and my lifetime, I'm following the scientifical research about universe and I'll only live until the truth will be discovered.

I know and I can't stop thinking to myself that this is selfish and ridiculous but when you can't interpret anymore your existence at the lower level the same way, how could you interpret the upper levels ?

What I'm looking for here is people having had the same kind of trip and what they did afterward to get back to real life without harm.

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OfflineCompass
Ancient Light

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 1,149
Loc: The Border of Reality
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
Re: Frightened by my last trip [Re: BEManni]
    #6544158 - 02/08/07 01:36 PM (17 years, 1 month ago)

Well, your trip has many similarities to my first bad trip.

The whole idea that everything is created by your mind, the world being nothing but an imagination, I believe someone called the "God complex."

The most important advice I can give you is not to trip for a while and end up in the same situation, because it will put you right back in that hell and you will have to relive the experience.

As sober reality gently and continuously comforts you, the better you will be able to accept your old conceptions if you want, but you get to keep the perspective.

I don't get -- how can you have a flashback for 2 days!??

I have had flashbacks that last less than 5 minutes and also in my sleep.

In the end, you will realize how much you learned from this hopefully.

Peace,love, good vibes  :discodance:  :heartpump:  :peace:  :cheers:
You're not truly alone

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OfflineBEManni
Stranger
Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 2
Last seen: 17 years, 1 month
Re: Frightened by my last trip [Re: BEManni]
    #6544292 - 02/08/07 02:17 PM (17 years, 1 month ago)

Thank you very much, I looked for a name for what I was feeling and I think you're right, I'll look further in this "God complex" issue.

Actually it's my third day of "flashback", in fact, the flashback itself may long not more than 5 minutes but the thoughts and the feeling coming after are lasting so long... It looks like I had some things that I really couldn't explain that I can't easily go over. I have to understand these things as my fear is what prevent me to get a step further.

The first day, I felt depressed and panicked as if I was in my trip again, the second flashback occured at night, there came the "god complex" reminiscence, as hard as when I tripped it emotionally speaking. Today it was the fear that actual reality was only an hallucination, I've seen myself coming back suddenly to the "peak" of my trip and dying shortly after, a in some movies where you see afterlife for a while and at the end, the main character was just dying and his mind created a story to make him believe he was still alive... It's rather hard to me to get over it, I think I'm on the way but there's still a lot of work to do, I still can't believe I'll be able to forget about it, or give it less credit one day.

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OfflineCompass
Ancient Light

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 1,149
Loc: The Border of Reality
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
Re: Frightened by my last trip [Re: BEManni]
    #6544346 - 02/08/07 02:41 PM (17 years, 1 month ago)

I fully believed I was dead for about 5 days after my trip.

The feelings really are more than 1/2 of the flashback. You need to help yourself come out of your mind. Do things that ground you and your body to the physical realm. Connect to people, exercise, go swimming, laugh, eat food, maybe music, go out to town and just watch people...

That's real nice that you have a girl. Try opening yourself to her about what you are thinking. I've heard girls are good for talking and emotional stuff.

It may seem like there's no escape, but you just have to keep going on. Believe me and everyone else, just keep living and your experiences between that point and your trip will give you distance and perspective. Good luck.

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Offlinezootroid
Stranger
Registered: 10/19/05
Posts: 396
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
Re: Frightened by my last trip [Re: Compass]
    #6545244 - 02/08/07 07:18 PM (17 years, 1 month ago)

As compass said, don't trip again for a while. I can back that up as I took the leap of faith and tripped again and paid the price for it. I'm still having flashbacks when I smoke weed and this is from well over a year ago by the way. I can induce anxiety attacks while sober. Not cool..

From my experience, it seems to be going strong only because I can remember what it's like so well.

SO yeah, just stay away from tripping for a good while and just try to go on with your life and forget about it if possible.

Good luck

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OfflineMyInnerChild
EveryMum
Female

Registered: 11/11/06
Posts: 1,099
Loc: North-East
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: Frightened by my last trip [Re: zootroid]
    #6574589 - 02/16/07 12:39 PM (17 years, 1 month ago)

Hi,
You had a real experience there! Woah and then some!...
1st, I'm all for deep thinking. I feel turned off by reports that talk of just acting goofy and not thinking at all. (I try to get in a little of both!)
You have to chill now and try to take away one or two points NOT more or you'll overload yourself, to meditate on, try real meditation, you can find a human or written guide to starting it if you haven't already, and clear your mind except from that which you choose to focus on.
You are a better person for where you went. Don't let it control you now that you're back. You're still you but with an expanded mind. Get a bigger hat! But seriously, I recommend accepting a 12 step programme to enhance tripping. Acknowledge that there is a higher power and that you are not in control. I mean not in control of your ultimate destiny not a loss of control of what you do on the way to get there.
You sound like you have a supportive lover who knows where you've been to a certain extent. Talk to her to. Girls LOVE it when guys are vulnerable and honest. See the movie Fly Boys for proof of that :smile:

Hang in there friend. You have my support!


--------------------

My inner child runs with scissors but plays nicely with others!

Sometimes the light's all shine'in on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me,
What a looong strange trip it's been! ~ Truck'in

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InvisibleKilroyMilosevik
Swiss Ego
 User Gallery

Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 989
Loc: Northwest of Nowhere
Re: Frightened by my last trip [Re: MyInnerChild]
    #6574628 - 02/16/07 12:55 PM (17 years, 1 month ago)

In my opinion, your ego is still dead from the trip, and your brain is trying to create an explaination for you due to the lack of it. All those crazy negative cognitions you were having was your ego fighting for its life! That's what it does man, its really really hard to put into words, but you did a damn good job with the report considering you didn't use the word "ego" one time. This is just my philosophy on tripping... I've said it a thousand times, everyone is different. Your ego will be back eventually, but by no means will you look at everything the same as you did before..


--------------------
-The door.
-The door is closed.
-Why is the door closed?
        *Gasps*
-Why DOES the door close!?

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