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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Reflections
    #5519231 - 04/15/06 02:14 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I have come to find through my quest for spiritual knowledge a balance of feminine inside me, perhaps even moreso now I am feminine than male.... though I find aesthetic pleasures in the features of the "opposite" sex and am probably still attracted to them.

But in coming to peace with this feminine in me I have noticed (and this noticing is not just from that, it's the culimination of all my progress I suppose) that there are people who are THE SAME as me in every way.

One is a girl. When I look in the mirror I see HER..... she looks so much like me and I've come to realize thorugh vocal experimentation that her default voice patterns are similar to certain voice patterns of me characteristic of a dreamy and airy peaceful kind of femnine hippy vibe......

another is a black guy who looks an awful lot like me, except black..... and he reflects my stoic and INTROVERTED nature... he is extremely quiet and does not really seem to have social aspirations....... it took me a long while to realize that he is a reflection of me until doing push hands with him. When doing push hands he is like, completely opening me up to my OWN frequencies so I feel what my own movements are like (push hands is a tai chi exercise) ....

furthermore I see glimpses of my tai chi instructor in me, as well as my yoga instructor...... as I come more in line with who I truely am on the inside, not only do I have a more "real" sense of self, but I also realize that this sense of self is somewhat illusory, because I look in the mirror and see key characteristics of other people.

My perceptions of others mesh with my perception of self. This is probbaly why I'm abstaining from drugs right now..... as I need to ground in the root... but basically... there are OTHERS who are ME..... REFLECTIONS....

and .....

It's very fascinating. On the cosmic scale I do believe we are all the same person, anyone you meet you meet because you and that person have karmic paths that cross one another, and everyone you never meet, is everyone you are "not" so in this way your entire reality is a dream. You perceive it from the vehicle of your karma, and usually YOU are not the one driving it... and this vehicle puts you into a concept innerworking of ties and patterns thusly creating your own subjective reality which consists of daily rituals, perceptions, encounters, and thougths.

So though you live in the objective world you are saturated by your own drives through karma and come to find that everything you encounter is really no different than dream for these very reasons. You go the same places every day, or you don't. This reflects you. You look at someone and you don't see them, you see what your perceptions and habits allow you to see. A good example of this would be stereotype. Maybe you refuse to look into girls that dress really skampily because you have issues with sexual promiscuity, and therefore you are dissociated from the sexual part of your being and unable to see that these girls are reflecitons of YOU.... because we are all naked underneath our clothes, afterall.

Ah so.

I see reflections of me........ do any of you?

What I don't know is.... I know that this girl is in some way an accurate reflection of my feminine side... let's say I had a twin sister.......she's not THAT close to me but it's a good analogy... but I am not sexually attracted to her really........

what kind of relatoinship should you have with another person, that ust so happens to be your own self? I want a girlfriend/lover and perhaps she would make an amazing one, but I find myself drawn to that which I am not.... the more energetic, vibrant, young, more petite and soulful looking girls..... smaller.... with a good will, playful..... ambitious.... not spacey and dreamy and out in the clouds like me, but with an appreciation for SPACINESS so that we both ahve a lot to give to each other.

So do opposites attract, or do birds of a fleather flock together? Both... yes... both. But should I trust first impression, that this girl is neat but I don't have sexual vibes for her? I mean I could obviously try to make her my girlfriend or something..... is any decision I make the rigth one? Because though I would definitely like to go out with her, she does not match what I am particularly attracted to....

no...

I hardly noticed her at all, she is pretty much as aloof as I... she started talking to me when I made the conscious decision to make a drawing that expressed my sexual frustrations, guilts, doubts, repressions, worries......... and she is neat.... but how do two people, naturally aloof, really work on engaging things? Ah and I see the Buddha in her, because I try to see it in me.

But for a lover.... and I suppose it would be good to have one, but under the right spiritual and bonding prospects, holy lover rather than sinful....... I just don't really ..... see her that way... I could do it, and it would be cool, but the pieces don't seem to fit entirely that way because, initially..... I was never really that drawn to her.

She was something "settled for" not hot, not ugly.... naturally vibrant and pretty but not that physically arousing........ not an interest of my sexual drives, but rather the repressed sexual drives saying "well you know what I'm sure she's nice"

so...................

What do you all think? Is initial attraction important? I mean.... I know that when you grow to know someone there beauty amplifies tenfold like a blossoming flower....... that is great.... but generally this happens because at very first impression you at least think "hmm she's pretty attractive."

but being with this girl would like me being a lesbian, since she is like female part of me...... I dunno.

heh it'll work out.

Talk, talk about anything.

And one other possible staple for discussion... having long hair has made me feel more in touch with the femnine energies but at the expense of me through spiritual progress being dissociated from my sex drive in such a way that I will half naked women sunbathing, and I don't even take a second glance... or I'll look at their bodies, even KNOW what they look like naked, and I'll think "hey that's cool, nothing wrong with nudity" but I'm not like "man I want to hit that!!!" not at all. No.

I have lost sexuality and it only comes back to me in my sleep. Is this good or bad? I don't know.

Long hair = becoming more femnine? Ah it's neat. Living is neat. I know that I'm most naturally drawn to the more "opposite" girls, very beautiful inside and tender like I (or I try to be) but much more grounded and spirited and energetic, less dreamy, spacey, upper chakra oriented. hmmmmmmm.

so will the right lover find you or can you make a choice to never meet the right lover? i want the right lover but I have certain criteria which makes this anima of mine not ideal, and makes other such types of girls much more ideal.

according to Anodea Judith those with the same chakras open will become platonic friends with no sexual engagement which makes sense..... perhaps I need to just accept the capacity to be very very very close to a girl, but only having her as a FRIEND!

Ahhhhh  :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:

Peace and Namaste to you all.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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Invisibletruekimbo2
Cya later, friends.
Male User Gallery

Registered: 12/08/02
Posts: 9,234
Loc: ny Flag
Re: Reflections [Re: leery11]
    #5519678 - 04/15/06 10:43 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

enjoy your sex drive being gone while it lasts. you'll meet a girl within a year or two that'll turn it back on full force.


--------------------
You can check the last post in my journal for contact info.

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