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Offlinejcdangerously
I'll Cut You

Registered: 04/09/06
Posts: 422
Last seen: 15 years, 3 months
Killer Bees and Gasoline: A Recipie for Disaster
    #5495222 - 04/09/06 02:31 AM (15 years, 5 months ago)

A while back, I was looking for a way to entertain myself, something outside of my usual routine. So, I turned off the t.v, rolled up a spliff, grabbed a pen, and this is what I came up with. Enjoy.

I woke up yesterday morning to the sound of my dog Max yelping like someone had kicked it. I got out of bed feeling pissed and I looked out my bedroom window into the back yard. I could see that his chain was still connected to a post I had put into the ground, and it was leading into the doghouse. "Damn it." I thought, blearily glancing at the clock. "I can't believe i'm awake at this ungodly hour on a saturday morning." Still, I just bought this dog a week ago. $200 dollars for a pedigree boxer, nine months old. I'm obligated to find out what the hell is wrong with it.

I threw on a pair of shorts and my sandals as I headed out the front door. I rounded the corner from the front of the house, and then I saw them. Bees. Not just a few, but a cloud of them. Swarming all over my backyard. I stand there, dumbfounded, until the dog's whining cuts through my early morning stupor. Then, it hits me. I'm going to have to walk out there and save my dog. I grit my teeth and mentally berated myself for chaining it up in the first place and not keeping him in the back room.

So, I hustle back into the house and snag a pair of jeans, a sweater, some shoes, and my old paintball mask. I threw on this ghetto beekeeper outfit as fast I could, then headed back out. As I unlatch the gate and walk in, all I can hear is angry buzzing and the dog whimpering. Then, they're on me. "Bees," I think to myself "I really hate Bees." These angry flying syringes full of poison exist for no purpose other than stinging the hell out of anyone who walks within a 30 ft radius of wherever they take up residence. They're clinging to my mask, my sweater, and viciously stabbing the bejeezus out of my ungloved hands. I unchained my miserable bee covered dog just as they started getting up my pants. This was a bad day to wear boxers. Using the dog chain like a leash, I make a mad dash to the front yard, hoping against hope that I have time to get inside the door and get out of my bee covered clothes before I get stung on my junk.

I'm on my front porch at the asscrack of dawn, covered in bees, and as I prepare to throw open the front door, the gravity of the situation hits me.

"If I go inside now," I bleakly realized, "These things are going to be everywhere." I drop the dog's chain. Fuck it, Fido can fend for himself. My helmet is the first to go, followed quickly by the pants and sweater. I started frantically brushing bees off my legs with painfully swollen hands while hopping around in what must have looked like a deranged pirate jig to any neighbor lucky enough to have observed it. Having gotten most of them off me, I snagged the dog's chain, ran inside, and slammed the door behind me.

Four hours later, one of my buddies arrives, bottle of Captain Morgan's in hand. Asshole that he is, the moment that he lays eyes on all of my brand new welts he busts out in obnoxious laughter."Shut the fuck up." I grumble, "I invited you over to help me get rid of them." "You must be out of your..." he starts, as I grab the bottle and wave it in his face. "What did you think I had you pick up the dutch courage for? This is war, man."

We tossed back a couple of rum and cokes as I outline my master plan. "Bees hate gasoline." I inform him. "They also hate fire. Therefore, I propose we fill this super soaker with unleaded, hose the nest down from a safe distance, lob a sparkler at it, and run like hell." He snorted, examined the watergun I had placed on the table, and rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid. You'll set your whole yard on fire." "What are you, some kind of girly-man?" I snarled. "Bees are a threat to national security. Suck it up and do this for your country. Besides," I continued, "It rained this morning. Everything is damp. It's foolproof." At this, he nodded, and I knew the plan was set in motion. I got up and went off to look for a funnel and my box of leftover fireworks. I met him in the back room, where he sat on a dusty couch. "The gas is over there," I said, handing him the funnel. "You know," he said, "This is easily the most idiotic plan i've ever agreed to." "True," I deadpanned, "At least you'll have a good story to tell your kids some day." He shook his head as I held up a lighter and grinned. "Lock and load, man."

We walked to the backyard in slow motion, a hardcore techno beat throbbing in the background, which obviously made us look like complete badasses. "There." I said, pointing out the nest, which looked like a bee covered volleyball hanging off a tree in the middle of the yard. "I'm going to light this sparkler, and as soon as you hit them with the gas i'm going to throw the sparkler. Then, we run like hell. Agreed?" He nodded, I lit the sparkler, and cocked my arm back. "Do it." He squinted, took aim, and hosed them down with a jet of gasoline. Just as the bees began swarming off the nest, I chucked the sparkler at it as hard as I could. Because I had the forethought to tape a rock to it and make it heavier, it flew like an electric arrow straight into the middle of the gas soaked nest. It caught fire with a FWOOOSH and then we were both running for our lives. We made into the house, and we headed to the windows in the back room. I looked through it, and I was treated to an awesome sight.

The nest was roaring with orange flames. Burning bees were falling off it, hitting the damp grass in clumps. Meanwhile, the ones that hadn't been incinerated right away were furiously buzzing around the flaming nest like sparks coming off a bonfire. "Dude, what the fuck?!" my buddy said, punching me in the shoulder "Now they're pissed off AND on fire. Not to mention, a flaming bee is like ten times more deadly than a regular one." "Whatever, dick." I started, "It'll only take a minute, and my revenge will be complete." I started to laugh nefariously, and then choked when I saw something that made me realize how flawed this plan was. My neighbor. Opening his back door. "NOO!!" I shouted through the window, knowing that he couldn't hear me. The flaming bees, eager to kill the nearest thing that moved, swarmed him immediately. I saw his astonishment turn to horror as he pivoted on the spot and hauled ass into his house. Unfortunately, he slammed the door so hard that it bounced off the frame. A cloud of burning bees followed him into the house, quickly followed by a horrified wail coming from within.

My friend and I exchanged glances. He started to say something, but I interrupted him before he got a word out. "Don't. Just don't. Dude, you need to take off. I'm going to grab the hose, and then start looking for a lawyer."

"Well," he grinned "At least i'll have a story to tell my kids some day."


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InvisibleDragonaut
Fire Marshall

Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 5,832
Loc: Burn Ward
Re: Killer Bees and Gasoline: A Recipie for Disaster [Re: jcdangerously]
    #5495271 - 04/09/06 02:45 AM (15 years, 5 months ago)

THIS IS THE BEST STORY I HAVE EVER READ.

You, sir...are a GENIOUS...and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

:thumbup:


--------------------
:dragon: See all my Favorite Threads (lots of info)

:alert: ATTENTION NOOBS: ASK ALL YOUR CULTIVATION QUESTIONS HERE :alert:

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InvisibleDragonaut
Fire Marshall

Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 5,832
Loc: Burn Ward
Re: Killer Bees and Gasoline: A Recipie for Disaster [Re: Dragonaut]
    #5520021 - 04/16/06 02:34 AM (15 years, 5 months ago)

:bump:


--------------------
:dragon: See all my Favorite Threads (lots of info)

:alert: ATTENTION NOOBS: ASK ALL YOUR CULTIVATION QUESTIONS HERE :alert:

buy my impulse and vacuum sealers  :pm: <--click


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OfflineManianFHS
living in perverty
 User Gallery

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 13,663
Last seen: 7 hours, 52 minutes
Re: Killer Bees and Gasoline: A Recipie for Disaster [Re: jcdangerously]
    #5520076 - 04/16/06 03:13 AM (15 years, 5 months ago)

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

funny shit man


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."


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Invisiblechunder
marker

Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 966
Loc: The City
Re: Killer Bees and Gasoline: A Recipie for Disaster [Re: jcdangerously]
    #5520255 - 04/16/06 06:53 AM (15 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks man.


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OfflineCptnGarden
fuck this site
Registered: 05/13/04
Posts: 11,945
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: Killer Bees and Gasoline: A Recipie for Disaster [Re: chunder]
    #5520789 - 04/16/06 01:45 PM (15 years, 5 months ago)

thats was some awesome shit. great way to put a good spliff to good use. hahaha your neighbor


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