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Offlinetheorganicdomino
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Trip 29, boy I could see the clear light shine!
    #5309465 - 02/17/06 03:35 AM (18 years, 1 month ago)

Okay, this is long - hey I don't skimp when it comes to writing these damn things. If you can't be bothered plowing through it, fine, don't. If you can, ta for reading it.

29th Journey (Tuesday 7th February 2006)

Music:

Takk - Sigur-Ros
Nothing Lasts... ...But Nothing Is Lost - Shpongle
Medulla - Bjork
Five Leaves Left - Nick Drake
Z - My Morning Jacket
Meddle - Pink Floyd
Abbey Road - The Beatles


Over the weekend, the flat, especially the bathroom, was thoroughly cleaned from top to bottom. It's never been so clean! The amount of effort put into cleaning was definitely a motivator for the trip, I didn't want it to have been all for nothing! Accepting that having the flat clean and tidy is nice in itself.

As preparation/packing I finished reading the final third of Bertrand Russell's "The Problem with Philosophy" the previous day, which was fortunately quite a light day at work. I also looked though all of my book on Art Nouveau. I slept really well too.

We listened to "Let It Be" in the morning as Amy got ready for work, Tuesdays being the day when she has to leave half an hour earlier. I consumed a slice of toast and honey, drank cups of Echinacea tea, and lemon and ginger tea (several more cups of the latter were consumed during the morning).

After Amy left, jealous that she couldn't join me, for work I meditated for fifteen minutes, I always feel a bit low once she's gone off to work and miss her on these days off, so it helps take my loneliness away somewhat. I watched the rest of "The Hudsucker Proxy", which I deemed a much more emotionally cold film than I remembered, whilst preparing the living room with art materials, dominos and Jenga bricks etc, a bowl of peanuts, bottle of water, an apple and a series of Monet prints placed around the room, before shaving, showering and getting dressed. I broke my toothbrush, trying to glean the last scraps from a nearly empty tube and had to use Amy's one (gently as I tend to murder mine).

I measured out 4.2g (a compromise between the 4.5g I had originally planned to take and the 4g I proposed to myself the night before) of incredibly, extraordinarily strong Mushroom powder into a plastic cup. I made a cup of lemon & ginger tea, leaving the bag in for seven minutes before removing it, stirring in the mushroom powder and letting it stand for fifteen minutes whilst I meditated. I dosed at dead on 11am.

For visual inspiration I looked through all of my book on Buddhist Paintings. I had on the table a notebook given to us all at work, it has "independence, truth, knowledge, happiness" on its cover which I thought added a nice tone for the trip. In this I wrote a thought that had been rattling around my head from reading the Bertrand Russell book.

"The distance between 2 points is finite, the measurement however is infinite, each increment can be halved infinite times. Life can be looked at in such a manner, birth and death at either end but limitless possibilities in between. Tripping helps to lengthen the duration + contemplation"

I also drew one of my swirly patterns, which is reminiscent of some of the closed eye visuals I often have, on the inside leaf. I have since decided that henceforth this will be our trip notebook in which anything can be drawn/written whilst tripping.

It was a slow build over the next half hour, colours gradually appearing more saturated, sounds crisper, edges either sharper or fuzzier. As I indicated in the notebook, in very messy writing, "30 mins in really kicking in, intensely", as the tie-dyed throw and the various framed pictures started their familiar dances, adding shortly afterwards "...at track 7 Sigur-Ros Takk, a calm" to indicate that I felt less of a rush and had settled into the start of the trip. Yet again the onset was exceptionally smooth and calmly traversed. However, I did feel shiveringly cold for some time, having to put socks and a jumper on and turn the boiler up a few notches. It felt quite pleasant snuggling up with the crochet blanket waiting for the heating to kick in.

For the next three and half hours I had some of the most intense and sustained visuals of any trip I have ever had, they only just started to ebb down after three hours. I drifted through so many "vignettes" that I cannot remember a large majority of them. Many of them reached levels of such abstraction that I would not know how to phrase them, other than saying that I existed at a times as merely a single blissful emotion adrift in a wash of vibrant off the scale, beyond sublime, kaleidoscopic patterns, but that would be to reduce the experiences to a small percentage of their true nature. I can, therefore recount only the clearest of my memories. Shpongle's "Nothing Lasts... ...But Nothing Is Lost" was incredibly important to this trip. I am absolutely certain that the intricacies of the music stimulated my mind, aiding and perhaps guiding its passage through many realms of thought and emotion.

My first closed eyed visuals were vibrating bands of oranges, yellows and reds, which is a recurrent appearance of the mushroom spirit for me, stretching and morphing against a deep darkness. It felt like they were carrying my spirit out of my body, upwards, soaring, flying, flipping, twisting and turning to infinity.

Throughout the rise to the peak I kept reaching a point where I could feel tension building up in my back, I'd remind myself "got to remember to relax" and then let it go. My pulsing heart beat caused a minor worry for me for a little while, It seemed as if I could feel the vibration of it throughout my entire body. After feeling my pulse and realising that it wasn't as accelerated as I thought I calmed down.

During this period I had Sigur-Ros' "Takk" playing and I noticed that there was a beautiful vibrato modulating tone, a counter melody over the music, that isn't there normally, which I knew was being "sung" by the mushrooms.

As thoughts branched out in rapid succession I hit two rough points. The first was a notion that crept into my mind that there was an evil gnome/troll hiding in the swirls in every wooden surface. I thought that if I looked at the swirls too long the monster would "get me"! When I closed my eyes I kept catching glimpses of this nasty creature as if looking down at it from a great height, it seemed to be sat at the base of a tree, all of this appearing as if illuminated only by a small lantern. Open-eyed, wood swirls seemed to shift into the air rippling out like the effect of pebbles on the surface of a lake. I nipped to the loo and reassured myself, reflecting on how nonsensical the idea was, that this just represented negativity in my mind, but then I had the thought that that may be so, but I wouldn't be able to think of anything else!

Knowing exactly how to get rid of this troublesome notion, I laughed and the thought left my mind. I find it very reassuring that I can deal with this aspect of myself so smoothly. The second hitch was the thought "Your dad's going to die" which also threatened to stick in my mind and not let go. I confronted this by acknowledging that yes he will die, possibly in the next decade or so, but there's no use in dwelling on it.

Another CEV I saw, although it probably didn't matter if my eyes were closed or open, was the image of two fleshy, squat alien-like entities with snouts which widened out from their heads, moving across a membrane like landscape, which I soon understood to be my brain. I asked them telepathically what they were doing, and they responded by telling me that they were vacuuming my soul. I replied "Oh, that's okay then, carry on"! It is only now that I have realised that not only does this have a connotation of cleansing but also of emptying out, which is the focus of the Zen meditation I have been doing for the past year.

In between these closed eye vignettes I would open my eyes, and the first time I did this I slightly freaked out. Opening my eyes caused a sudden flare to my vision, I was confronted by a pixilated world, cracked, shattered, fragmented into minute pieces, a cool aquamarine tinge to everything. This brought back memories of the last trip I had on this particular powder, when I took a full 5g and found my entire surroundings disintegrating around me at an uncontrollable and beyond overwhelming rate.

I got up and walked into the hallway, went to the kitchen and ate part of an apple, which is what had helped calm me the previous experience, the focus drawing my attention away (the only drawback is the apple causes a touch of nausea when it's being digested later on). As the trip continued I grew to be fond of this effect, which was still occurring two and a half hours in. The pixilation would recede as my eyes adjusted and the gloriously manic rippling movements of the patterns on the tie-dyed throw draped across the wall, and the picture frames rippling began, causing me to remark, somewhere along the line that these were "sweet, sweet mushrooms".

I had what is undeniably one of the most profound experiences of my entire life! At least three times I was "visited" by a brilliant, sparkling white light. It amazed me to be able to stare into light, since obviously it would normally blind me.

The first time it was directly ahead of me, in amongst swirls of colour, just above the centre of my eye line, slowly increasing in circumference, throwing beams and shards of light at me, streaks from its edges, reaching and popping back and forth.

The second time I saw what I deemed to be a "celestial choir," as it seemed to be a semi-circle of angel-like entities, albeit very primitively sketched in. They did in fact look very reminiscent of some of the features of the Buddhist paintings I had been looking at during the onset. There was a moment when these figures turned to the left as if to say "ta-da" and the brilliant light shone down from my top-left. As the light became brighter and brighter, truly and utterly heavenly, I had a moment of thinking, "hang, that's not, er, it's not God is it?" Remembering that my beliefs are closer to Zen Buddhism than anything else I quickly recovered from this brief lapse of lunacy and remembering the "clear light" of Satori/enlightenment, the more I peered into it the clearer things became!

The final time the light completely filled my vision, whiting everything out. I could feel reality being paired down to the basic essentials and within the startling shine of the whiteness was the hint, like traces of shadow on a raised design, of intricate patterns and details wriggling, morphing and worming through permutations. I felt what it was to be part(s) of this pattern as the distinction and difference between what I could see and myself was eliminated. The intensity of the rise was supplanted by an assuredness, a calm satisfaction, a certainty, a peacefulness that I am lost for words to describe.

I also entered a hell-like dimension in which signs, glass panels and flashing, siren-like lights were piling up around me, hemming me in. I was aware of the terrifying nature of these visuals but was not upset by them, in fact as the lines of details started to bleed through and into me I rather enjoyed it, understanding it to represent how I feel about my silly, silly job at the moment. I let myself contemplate this a while before opening my eyes and dispelling it.

As the trip shifted down a gear I contemplated how far I've come in the past few years. No longer am I self-destructive or insulating myself from life with drink or drugs. I felt my emotional strength as I realised that, especially with Amy and I recently discussing the idea of having children that I have rejected destruction and am embracing creation. The trip had begun with thoughts of how I haven't done anything to feel ashamed of for ages and how I can let my insecurities and worries go now.

The Shpongle album over, I shuffled through the music I had selected for the day and settled on Bjork's "Medulla", knowing it would push the trip in challenging ways. The album took me on a deep journey of emotion and regret concerning my past relationships with women. I remembered my two main girlfriends from when I was a teenager and how badly those relationships had ended up, how at least one of those relationships had been given a nice coda with a few friendly letters exchanged long after it had ended. I dwelled a little on the regret and guilt I felt, and knew that I should feel bad about some of the things I did. I recalled many mistakes I had made in relationships, when younger, and understood them in the context of my now happy position as the dominant in a Sado-Masochistic relationship with my wife. I noted down how "Every moment counts", and thought of Amy, how wonderful she is, exquisite, beautiful, how I truly feel immense love for her, I was "told" that I should tell her this, which I did when I spoke to her on the phone later.

One of the songs on "Medulla", "Ancestors", is the sounds of two people waking up and then fucking, I'd never realised this meaning until this trip, it made me laugh quite a bit, and I could picture Bjork saying "It is a good song that, I like that one". Whilst listening to this album the room looked very organic and for some reason I was overcome with the feeling at times that I was in an elaborate Victorian drawing room.

I had very fidgety feet for quite a period about two thirds in, I was crazy hippy dancing at some points, other times I was lying on my back paddling my feet in the air, or bouncing them off the sofa. This culminated in me forcing my body to totally relax, and I channeled the vibrations/fidgets through my body into a focused humming meditation that felt sublime.

Whilst considering what I can feasibly achieve in my life and how I shouldn't really complain about the fairly easy life I have, how I should be happy to have a job that doesn't drive me totally insane and affords me the time to indulge my hobbies, I stated to myself "I'm a realist!" and instantly broke into hysterics. In the notebook I wrote down "Man walks into a mushroom trip and says, 'I'm a realist!' . . . and laughs". On the same train of thought I noted that if I want to be more consistent in my writing efforts I will have to give myself a structure, a timetable to work to, because structure = meaning.

Perhaps influenced by recently having held my niece Natasha's baby when it was only a couple of days old, I became overwhelmed by an understanding of the intensity of perception that children have, remembering how much more extreme emotions and experiences are at that time in our lives. I projected into the future and thought about what I would teach/tell our children about lying, given my propensity for lying much earlier in my life and my recent realisation of how the tall tales I used to spin were very much for my own benefit, being the life I wanted as opposed to the unhappy one I was living, and the moral ambiguity of how sometimes lying is required if it's the best course of action for everyone in certain situations.

The last open eye visual I noted was the cover of my Art Nouveau book slowly moving with energy, the details standing out vibrantly. Around this time I had a lot of fun flinging Socrates around. Apropos of nothing I wrote in the notebook "Her eyes dribbled some wonderful nonsense", as well as a list of all the music I had listened to.

At around 2pm, Nick Drake's "Five Leaves Left" playing, I had settled into a relaxed groove and was clearing my mind, in a semi meditation, when suddenly there was a loud bang and it looked as if the incense cone I had lit a while ago had exploded. For a brief while I considered that I might have done it with the power of my mind. Upon finding the lighter with a melted hole in its side, I realised that it had been left too close to the plinth I stand the cones on, which gets very hot. I madly rushed around trying to find the still, burning cone, worried that it might start a fire. Fortunately it was swiftly retrieved from lying under the chair with our stereo on, where it had only burnt a very small patch. However, I had drawn the curtains to open a window (when I eventually found the bloody key) and discovered the beginnings of mould growing in the corner where a long trough of plants is. Needless to say, I could not relax until it was cleaned. I was a little restless at this point anyway and rather enjoyed having a task to accomplish, even though my tripped out mind had initially accentuated the look of the mould to a slightly revolting extent.

I called Amy at 2.30pm and had a slight nag about not keeping her plants tidy, but generally had a fun chat with her, in a garbled sort of way. The billows of smoke from the incense I had freshly lit created a wonderful cloudscape and masked the exploded lighter and burnt smell.

At some point I listened to My Morning Jacket's album "Z" which I had bought the day before. Great album. As it, and directly afterwards "Meddle", played I just chilled out and ate some cereal, totally absorbed in the music.

After another, more coherent phone conversation with Amy, "Echoes" just finishing, having waited quite a while, periodically checking in the mirror, my pupils had reduced enough for me to feel comfortable to go and buy a toothbrush and some chewing gum, which I felt must have seemed a weird combination to the guy at the counter at the Co-op. I could not wait to get out of the shop, the sharpness of my vision making it a little too much of an intrusion of consumerism on my psyche. Thankfully a few tracks from "Abbey Road", on my personal CD player, made this jaunt pleasurable.

As I was slowly coming to the conclusion of the trip I watched the end of "Team America: World Police". Much later Amy got back home, we were both very tired and after we had eaten and bathed we watched thirty minutes or so of "Buffalo 66" and then went to bed.


--------------------
"You've got to get hold of the thread of marching time, pull the fuck thing down, get on the end of it and pang yourself to the infinitude of absolute mind"
Ken Campbell - Furtive Nudist

"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced" - Aart van der Leeuw

Edited by theorganicdomino (02/17/06 03:59 AM)

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OfflineGrapefruity
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Registered: 08/07/03
Posts: 601
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
Re: Trip 29, boy I could see the clear light shine! [Re: theorganicdomino]
    #5313696 - 02/18/06 03:32 PM (18 years, 1 month ago)

Wow...Very nice report! You have talent :smile:

I Really like the clear light part...Those parts are always my favorites when report mention em :p ... Makes my mind really active.


'The intensity of the rise was supplanted by an assuredness, a calm satisfaction, a certainty, a peacefulness that I am lost for words to describe.'

Was it the first time you experienced ego death,  and how long did this state last?

Edited by Grapefruity (02/18/06 03:33 PM)

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Offlinetheorganicdomino
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Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 1,855
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Re: Trip 29, boy I could see the clear light shine! [Re: Grapefruity]
    #5318576 - 02/20/06 02:29 AM (18 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Grapefruity said:
Wow...Very nice report! You have talent :smile:

I Really like the clear light part...Those parts are always my favorites when report mention em :p ... Makes my mind really active.


'The intensity of the rise was supplanted by an assuredness, a calm satisfaction, a certainty, a peacefulness that I am lost for words to describe.'

Was it the first time you experienced ego death,  and how long did this state last?




Ta for reading & the compliment!

I've gone through ego-loss a few times (6 out of the 29 times I've tripped I've experienced it) - and as you might expect perception of time goes out the proverbial window during these moments. It was probably within the space of a minute to a few minutes, but felt much much longer.


--------------------
"You've got to get hold of the thread of marching time, pull the fuck thing down, get on the end of it and pang yourself to the infinitude of absolute mind"
Ken Campbell - Furtive Nudist

"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced" - Aart van der Leeuw

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