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Yes, I've had that happen before...several times.

It's basically a period right before a specific type of ego-loss. It's the type where you are pushed to release your ego by being crushed with negative thoughts. However, you didn't let go, so that's why it stuck with you. I'm positive of this.

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When I have a negative thought, I've tried to rationalize with it, I've tried to refute it, I've tried to complete it to make it whole, I've tried to just let it voice itself and not care, I've tried to admit to myself that I just have evil thoughts, so you can see I've tried working out for myself an understanding of how this works so that I can control things, but nothing helps. I get afriad that I am too far gone and the burden is too big. What is wrong with each of these ways of dealing with , and what is the thing you are supposed to do? Are you supposed to just not care whatever happens? I try that a lot and it doesn't seem to work.

I need the help of someone who knows how to let go and can instruct me through this and tell me what I'm doing wrong and assure me that I'm not too far gone 

Are you supposed to do anything with all those negative thoughts in order to let go of ego, are you supposed to ignore them (because I never can)? Where is the consciousness directed while you make this transition? I get way too attached to feelings and try to use them as guidlines, but if I don't I don't know what I'm supposed to use to guide the way to mentally go.

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Ego death IS still you man. Just a different part of you. Ego death isn't even remotely scary, in fact it is the opposite.

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Nice 

Hmmmm good question, I think everyone has there own methods for blipping off the radar screen when they want the break.

To experience a mild form of egolessness, just get quiet and listen and observe for as long as you can. Do it long enough until it dawns on you that the world keeps moving and life keeps going on with or with out you.

When you get to that point, any sense of self importance you had fades away. Then a great sense of freedom envelopes you. Its like wearing the cloak of invisibility. Like monocle said, it becomes the opposite of the sort of scary that goes along with self consciousness or showing up on the "enemy radar". That just goes along with a separatist ego state of mind-the idea of enemies. It takes two for there to be opposition.

In ego loss you are a part of the one and the opposition disappears.

The fear leaves.

Your question is, why are you afraid of leaving fear?

Well its exciting and makes our senses come alive on high alert making us feel more alive. Maybe its the expression "ego death" that scares people because people are instinctively afraid of death.

I look at it differently in my own world. I see the times where I am just at one with life as the silent witness, the real naked me. When we go to interact with life, we become a self reference point, an identity, to the environment and some form of ego is required. I look at ego states as being like indentifiers or clothes we wear. You wear different outfits to meet different environments and activities needs.

If you find yourself wearing clothes that feel or look evil to you "however you define that" , what environments or activities are you engaging in to feel a need for that get up? Think on that one for a while. Maybe some change made there alone will do the trick.

It sounds to me like you feel you need to keep protected. Remember, when you get to the place of being at one or at one ment atonement, there is no opposition to be afraid of. It's all you in spirit, individualized wearing costumes, playing along with the role of the costume "as if they are it". Its so beleivable because how how much people beleive themselves to be the roles they play and costumes they wear.

Think of how you feel at a costume party. You know its all friends and the costumes aren't real and you laugh at the clowns, and shudder at the big scary demons, and delight at the princess's. They are as real as we believe them to be for a spell or play along with them as if they are.

The more belief we have in the costumes, the more power we give them to become real to us. It's our power they have to use against us if we give it away through belief and that includes, the false things we believe about ourselves and how we can act against the self even.

Get to a point where you can see reality that way, being the silent invisable observer and being at a costume party at the same time. Then you are free to be in either state without fear of loss because, you have access to it all.

Start with becoming the quiet observer until you see, life goes on without you and your sense of self importance tanks down to nothing. Thats what I do when I get so caught up in the costume party and the pretend play I start believing in the costumes, including my own.

I use the word pretend "loosely" . Of course this stuff is real in physicality. If I hit you you'll feel it. Its pretend dress up play from the perspective of the one eternal spirit seeing itself individualized and wearing costumes in physicality.

If you want to walk around naked from ego like Jesus or the Buddha, you can do that as if you went to the costume party in jeans and a T-shirt. You're no longer anything grand and fancy, ridiculous, or ugly and scary. You just are happy to be there with friends, casually sharing life with them. No need to make judgments about the costumes or react and respond to them as if they are real because, you know they are not and that, regular people just like you, in jeans and T's "in spirit" are behind them. 

I don't know if any of this helps you at all. Just thought I would put some different perspective and methods out there. I'm sure more will and something will click with you.

I don't see complete ego loss as being a practical state for functioning in this world. Even Jesus had some use of one he couldn't escape while in the flesh and so did the Buddha. What sets them a part is their compassion and unconditional love for all, and their consistent awareness of being atoned with spirit.

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For New Agers, disparaging talk of 'the ego' is not really about 'the ego' that we all are born with: they are thinking of hateful arrogance and undeserved vanity...

But the ego that we all are given, that structure which disintegrates in schizophrenia, is different than the vain ego or the political ego. The interesting and universal 'ego' that is a given for all healthy, normal people, is the ego as a cognitive structure -- a structure that is not simply one structure among an entire mental model of the world, but rather, it is a particular relationship and set of associations among the self-symbol and the concept of the world, the concept of agency in general, the concept of time, and the concept of (metaphysical) freedom and power. These are the primary concepts that are wrapped up with the ego-concept. Vanity and political freedom are tangential issues distinct from the ego and the egoic mental model of the world.

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MarkostheGnostic said:
Fear of death means that you are still very vital, and being vital it is unnatural to want to relinquish life because having a life means living, and living means desires - even natural desires like raising a family.
Stop wanting to be done with your ego - that is tantamount to wanting to be done with life. 

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A fear of death is not necessary to actively engage in one's life and accomplish that which one wishes to accomplish. I would, in fact, consider it a great detriment. A fear of death quite naturally manifests in situations where an immediate threat on one's life is not evident. One begins to associate their identity with their life, a certain way of thinking with their life, one's possesions with their life, one's abstract senses of manhood, etc.,  and when it is questioned or "threatened", it is the equivalent of threatening one's life itself.

All of which drains one's mental resources and diminshes one's awareness, which effectively lessens one's ability to influence reality to present itself as one would prefer it to. The sooner one accepts the reality of their situation, the better. I prefer to come to terms with what remains glaringly obvious, so that I can form a better understanding of life, so that I can more productively live and enjoy it, instead of striving to accomplish my tasks while being drug along by a riptide of fear so that I can die with a sense of "completeness". Its terrible that I already feel complete at such a young age; I've already given up.


Peace.