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 leery11 I Tell You What!  Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 9 years, 15 days |
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can any of you help me with this? You seem to be the most inspirational open and wise people I know.....
I mean.... I know in the end, this is my mission, my quest.... but I'm just so out of sorts and confused. so this is what I free-wrote: Okay this is long so don't read it unless you're one of the people that likes these sort of things. So I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. I realise that I am not even remotely forming any sense of identity. I have the fruits of a lot of doubt and confusion and have solidifed some general philosophic ideals that will probably be of service to me.... and in regards to this I feel that I have done well.... but in doing so I have isolated myself almost entirely from the college community. It's partly because the school is full of hicks, but so many people are so narrow and shallow. All I can think of when I look at most of the girls is that they are just fucking empty inside.... they dress so vainly and sluttily and they aren't even hot! I mean it's like they're just ........... empty inside. And I don't even find them attractive anymore even if they have a great body or a great face, because they plaster themselves in makeup and just convey a snobby empty ......... look to me. There are of course beautiful interesting girls about..... but I find myself identifying not with my peers, but with my teachers. You know. How can you be 20 years old and still believe in fairy-tales you were told when you were 2? I mean.... this whole G-Dub is my homeboy, Jesus Rocks shit..... fuck! I don't want anything to do with it. That's all well and good isn't it? Doesn't it mean I'll run into the types of people I'm looking for, and the relationships that I do form will be really fulfilling and interesting? I don't know, because that hasn't really happened too much, in some ways it partially has but I am left unsatisfied. It's not that I don't look... I mean I met a real interesting guy through my tai chi class, this is his last semester in this state though. I dont' know what it is. I mean when everyone is starting to become an adult, partying it up on the one hand and making plans to settle down on the other..... I'm sitting here alone and ......I worry that I'll end up being one of those people that lives with their parents forever. I mean............. you know.... I see these kids getting ready to get married, planning their future... and they have something I don't. They have someone to serve as a source of inspiration. They have someone to encourage them when they are feeling uninspired and dry and dull, they have someone to confide in completely..... and they have someone that they can start a LIFE with but me.... I just don't feel like I can start a life on my own. I'm conforming. I'm only in school because my parents pay for it. I don't dislike being in school, and I dont' dislike my major.... but I HATE the BULLSHIT ..... where are the teachers that actually teach? Okay so chapter 2 says that.... bleh bleh fucking doodle..... okay that's nice, why don't you really get up there and challenge us and shake our beliefs and do the kind of shit that makes education ..... educational. I don't know. I don't see how I can get into grad school....... how I can pass the GRE. My grades are fine and will probably stay fine but I just don't have a work ethic. See I mean, I have a part of me that cares deeply about people, and I want to nurture that and make use of it with my psych career..... when I watch documentaries about people with problems... I fucking cry... and it feels fantastic to fucking cry. They remind me that not only are people real, but that I have it easy in my life ..... and yet I'm not fulfilled... I want to find someone that is so BEAUTIFUL that it makes me cry. I watched this thing in social psych today about a girl that had been locked up in a room for 10 years since birth..... they were teaching her to talk.... and it was the most beautiful and amazing thing to watch her learn to live....... to see her try to communicate..... she was so precious in every way imaginable........ i'm tearing up thinking about it..... the look in her eyes .... she had such a piercing emotional face because that's the only level of communication she knew, she didn't have language skills... they had to teach them to her. It was fantastic to see. Sad of course.... but......... it also makes me feel wasted.... because I just... I don't have these interactions with people. You know, if I talk to someone it's like "oh yeah that's a fun game....." blah blah fucking dee...... but I don't have any emotional or spiritual connections..... this isn't entirely true because I'm re-establishing a connection with a former friend from HS and we are completely open with each other, and that's good.... it's good to be around him.... but I stil don't feel fulfilled. I dont' care that tool lyrics are shaping my views on things.... I want to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow. I am missing entirely on what life is about. I guess that's partially why I do psychedelics, they can show me beauty in the mundane...... but.... fuck. It just really seems like I need to find a girl that will bring out the part of me that is in hiding.... I don't know how to do it on my own..... I mean..... someone that can say "you know, let's move to california" and i'll be like "okay that's a great idea." and then I could find a better educational environment from me and not feel so alone. I do not want to sit here and rot in the bible belt. But the farthest away I can fathom myself going is Colorado. I get fucking sad man... I dont' like being away from my family.... I feel like I'm abandoning them... and I guess I feel that way simply because I don't have a family of my own. My only significant interpersonal ties are to them, and I'm shunning them away. and that's NORMAL and HEALTHY but only if you go out and fucking find a mate and start your own intimate connections. But I'm stuck in between and I dont' fucking know what to do with myself. Do I wait? I kind of believe in fate/karma and I sincerely believe that I can't just go out trying to find what I'm looking for in the sense of like "okay i'm just gonna ask out random girls and then if they aren't my soulmate I'm gonna get upset and angry" I mean..... but I also think that I can't just sit on my ass and hope my soulmate comes and finds me. But I don't know what to do. I firmly believe you can share yourself with another human being on a transpersonal and highly significant level, and I want to do that.... but I have to find someone similar enough to me that it can work in the first place..... and I dont' know man. I just ... my inspiration and my emotions are dead, they eat up my stomach, specifically my navel, and drain me and just leave me caught up in fantasies (many of which are negative and involve bad things happening) and just........................ I see people just chilling eating lunch together hanging out... taking school seriously but also not taking it seriously at all, being in the moment, being .... you know kind of carefree.... but me I mean fuck I can lie out in the middle of campus and stare at the sky for a while and do my own "thing" but I just don't feel satisifed. things aren't right. I also feel really guilty. Guilty that there are people suffering in jails and starving to death and being oppressed much worse than America ever could oppress someone, and me I just have an easy life, I dont' have to worry about food! And so I eat. And I forget what it means to savor, I forget what it is to be hungry, food isn't about not being hungry, it's just a schedule to follow and sometimes an overindulgence.... and i'm fucking lazy. There are people that have to work miserable amounts of time just to barely get by, but I don't .... so what the fuck am I doing with all these resources? It's like 99% of America is going to go to hell........ because we are conditioned from birth that it's great to be lazy, eat til you're full and then eat some more, the whole notion of being responsible, eating healthy (maybe even becoming vegetarian) and exercising regularly and ...... it's just so foreign. I can't fucking accept that people are miserable and impoverished and I have so much....... I worry that I'm going to rebirth at the bottom of society, since I'm so near the top of it right now. I feel like I HAVE to do something to help people, but I don't know what... these charities make me uneasy, I want to send a card to a prisoner, yes amnesty, I do.... but at the same time it's so disconnected, why can't I make my OWN card .... I can? So why don't I? And sometimes I see handicapped people that can't even move right and it just.... what the fuck man. Why be given all these gifts if.... you're wasting them? Maybe America is hell, maybe we are given all this just so it can be taken away from us in the end. I don't know. I have to break free and live a free and caring life and help people, but I AM NOT A GOOD SOURCE OF INSPIRATION, I do not inspire myself. I really wish I had someone else that would bring out the best in me, and someone that I can bring out the best in. I don't give a fuck about living the American dream, I want to be alive.... I want to wake up from this dream and make everyone I meet a better person, and just be rich and fulfilled with living. The one person that seems to be living this way is my yoga teacher, and she's married. It's okay... I'm not attached to her in a bad sort of way, so I dunno. fuck it all. --------------------  ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Edited by leery11 (01/27/06 05:54 PM)
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SneezingPenis ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!  Registered: 01/15/05 Posts: 15,427 Last seen: 6 years, 11 months |
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I feel your plight. Im 23 and I dont find any girls my age anything worth dating. Fun to fuck, but thats about it....
i think you need to try to be more aware of your conditionings in life. The need to be with someone, that alone=loneliness. No one needs an identity, it is advertisement through personality projection. Many of the feelings I see you expressing are products of what society has conditioned you into feeling. I think you are getting caught up in perceiving your life in relation to the lives of everyone else. Dont forsake society and personal interaction, but once you become aware of your conditioning, you can break free of it and use it as your "mask", which allows you to interact properly within the "game" of society. Do you ever sit at home and become very agitated and uneasy, not because of boredom, but because of the thought of other people having a great time, or doing something productive and "important"? I used to do that. Even if I was doing something fun or interesting, sometimes I would become annoyed thinking that I wasnt "where it was at" or missing out on that crazy event. as far as wanting to help, I think you need to find your passion. Motivation doesnt come easily, and it is thin and useless when forced, which only exhausts future attempts of motivated actions. When you become passionate about something or some idea you will find that you cannot be un-motivated to not act. In conclusion.... become yourself, not the idea of yourself.
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leery11 I Tell You What! Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 9 years, 15 days |
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Quote: if it is conditionoing its really subtle, i mean that's all i really do when i'm stoned is gradually piece together how people are conditioned into thinking things, but i mainly focus on the political. i mean, regardless, i feel this.... sure if i liberated the emotions and thoughts and didn't think them anymore that would work, but how? I don't have access to shrooms or LSD and I get pretty scared and freak out sometimes tripping alone on LSA or salvia..... DXM is not scary for me though, but I don't want to do the third plateau. I've been conditioned by the shroomery to think psychedelics can help you realise these things, but maybe I shouldn't care about them either? Then I'd have to meditate, and though I've had the inspiration to meditate it's died and not followed through. my problem is i just don't have a strong will because i don't know what i'm looking for, and i don't have much to identify with. [ i have abstract conceptualisations of what i'm looking for though] Quote:I don't want to put on a mask..... I want everything I do to be sincere.... I mean like today I talked about psychedelics in a group discussion because this girl in a study we were reading about was smoking pot and had PTSD, and I was like "psychedelics [referring to pot] don't allow you to escape from your problems in the sense that alcohol does, it's not that likely that she was using weed to escape" but no one seemed to get what I was saying...... (then again weed has never been too recreational for me, the enjoyment i get is from the things i discover, not a blanket happy state like being drunk) Do you ever sit at home and become very agitated and uneasy, not because of boredom, but because of the thought of other people having a great time, or doing something productive and "important"? Yes..... I heard something about how sex reduces anxiety and blood pressure for one entire week after having it and it made me feel really depressed that people were getting to have sex and that I'm not. I do with other things as well. Quote: that's the problem, I'm not being myself right now! I'm not as expressive as I should be about things I've come to consider that I believe in...... I don't go out and connect with other people but I want to... it's not abstract conceptualisations.... it's just a general feeling that I'm not being what I should be... not what society thinks I should be... what I have contemplated and felt convcitions about how life should be, how to live a happy life. thanks for the post though. -------------------- ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Edited by leery11 (01/27/06 06:38 PM)
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SneezingPenis ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111! Registered: 01/15/05 Posts: 15,427 Last seen: 6 years, 11 months |
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Quote: have you ever thought about those thoughts being corrupted by conditioning as well? How often do you question your own ideas and logic? Im not saying it will solve all your problems, but try to be objective with yourself. Examine yourself from outside of you... as if you were a rock examining someone else. The rock doesnt have manners, or sexual desires, or fashion no-no's, or hairstyles, or college.... Whenever I have a problem I cant solve, I change my perspective. Its like Chess.... sitting in that chair, looking at the board at the same angle you have been for the last 20 minutes..... you will always find a better move, or a better reason to move that peice than before if you stand up and go to the side of the board. When I find it hard to shake myself of the confortable, everyday perception I take mushrooms.... it forces an alternate perspective, even if it is flawed. ---------------------------------------------------------- also, I dont think you have any problems... so you create them. I see everyone, including myself doing this all the time. We get ourselves muddy so that when we clean up to pre-muddy conditions it feels new and better, even though it was the same condition.
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 Icelander The Minstrel in the Gallery   Registered: 03/15/05 Posts: 95,368 Loc: underbelly |
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Welcome to the sleeping human race.
"Only as a warrior can one withstand the path of knowledge". Someday I hope you may understand these words. You seem like a good guy and it would be a loss were you to go to sleep, but the odds are against you. 
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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DirtMcgirt in a pinch  Registered: 10/20/04 Posts: 2,213 Loc: city of angels |
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You don't need a girl, you don't need to move to colorado, you don't need mushrooms.
College is a total drag, the rich bastards (there I go...)who attend college are a total drag too IMO. Your not alone in this. I think psilocyberin has some good advice about your perspective. For instance: Quote: You say you really want a girlfriend who you can love and share life with and who is a deep and an interesting person. Then right after that you chastize all the women around you based on the way they dress, a shallow criticism. You can't look at somebody and decide how deep or empty they are. I'm sure this criticism stems from experiences you've had but not every women like that is necessarily empty. This is just an example and I think your posts are full of contradictions. we all seem to see what we fear the most in ourselves in others, and hate them for it. If you find a descent girl, droip out of college, get some mushrooms (start reading the techs and they will be yours-its even possible in a college dorm with a nazi RA), or (god forbid) move to Colorado, your issues will still remain. I'm not saying these things won't improve your life but you give these external desires more credit for your internal struggles than they deserve. We all go through this and nobody ever completely conquers it for good. You (and everybody else, including those who seem to have it all figured out) will have this problem your whole life so its best to acknowledge your and everybody else's humanity now and learn to work with it. Improve your thought processes and your perspective and then you will improve your life I think this is what the previous posts were getting at and I just had to put my spin on it. Happiness comes from within... Good luck, man. -------------------- "And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything."
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leery11 I Tell You What! Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 9 years, 15 days |
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Can you not look into people's eyes and understand what level they are on? I know that you cannot blanket judge everyone who dresses like a cowboy, gangster, or barbie girl as being a certain way. But those judgements are very valid, IMO!
If you dress like a hippy it's not going to be because you hate drugs and want to beat the shit out of anyone who has opposing viewpoints to you. If you dress like a thug you probably don't value peace and aren't going to be the best person to hang around when you're drunk. If you dress like Barbie you probably don't have a well developed intellect or the capacity to critically think about societies issues... There are exceptions man, but they aren't a majority. Why ..... if you are a girl and you realise all the stuff society does to condition girls into being a certain way and into having no self-esteem and into trying to elicit sexual desire from everyone based upon how they dress just because that's how the models do it......... are you going to keep dressing the way you used to? Not unless you're really head over heels in with a group of friends that you want to conform to so as to not isolate yourself. I can look at people and get a general frame of what they are like. It's not just about the clothes, it's about the eyes, it's about listening to what their convos are like. Of course these can be innacurate.... but you know what I hear some girl moaning and sounding miserable over the phone, you'd think something real bad happened to her but no she's just pissed off that maybe her friend is being stupid. That's not something to put so much drama into ..... it's like .... it's like my mom. If you listen to her when she watches football, she'll start screaming in this most pitiful wretched way that makes it sound like she is in deep tremendous pain, and over what? Over a team fucking a play? This is the kind of shit I want to avoid, and generalisations fucking work! I know they can trap me... I made a mistake of judging someone because he looked really surly, but it turns out he's a real gentle guy into lucid dreaming and stuff...... so yeah obviously looks aren't the whole of it.... but you know what, if you dress like a partiotic flag waver, you probably are. It does not mean that under circumstances I could nto get to know and nurture the beautiful in you and encourage some more positive lines of thinkings and less attachments to the material world (not that I'm anything close to a Buddha) it just means that I look at how you present yourself to determine whether or not I should talk to you. If someone is wearing a shirt with Jesus on it, they aren't the person to try to talk to about psychedelic-psychotherapy. If someone is wearing a Tool shirt or something with psychedelic art-work on it, it's almost 90% certain I can have those kinds of convos with them. That's just how it is for me right now. We're walking advertisements. Of course there will be someone who looks like a total hilbilly but turns out to be interested in all the stuff I am... so you know, I can't use appearance to base my entire judgements about someone...... I'm just saying the look in most people's faces, they look dead...... So anyway, yes I'm full of contradictions..... I had a heavy smoke session last night and the only thing I could come up with is that I had to become a Buddhist. I was certain while high, and the certainty was a much more true thing that it is when I'm sober, but the sober part of me was in direct conflict with this. So I guess what it means is I start meditating and going to various dharma talks to just soak up some positive philosophy that helps me become more non-attached... so that I don't have this much drama. It doesn't entirely matter what my life is like, I can most likely find enjoyment in pursing an academic career...... and if I don't then I will find something else in due time. I still feel fucked up in the navel though, but at least some energy is flowing through it now. I don't really like that I need to get real damn high to sort this out.... but at the same time I think there is nothing wrong with it. That's part of the problem, Buddhism would frown on this kind of stuff and encourage meditation and dream practice and whatnot...... but for me I can see how a once in a while trip and maybe weekly smoking help clear your priorities out. I had to work through a TON of fear though you know, all these sirens were going off and I couldn't comfort myself, I just had to say "it's nto safe, you could be in danger, but probably not" then I realised I had to actually listen to and EMBRACE the noise of the sirens for the fear to go away....... literally show them neutrailty and try to show them love, because I believed life was a dream (still do I suppose) and that if you just fix your emotions and thoughts you can overcome anything... right.... cop knocks at the door, you're scared? You're fucked. Cop knocks at the door and you're full of love, you have the upper hand over his mind and you can mainpulate him by just being normal..... eyes are red? Achoo.... sorry.... my allergies are fucked and I haven't been sleeping. Don't second guess, just express. It's very much dreamlike in that sense, that you can elicit responses from people based upon how you carry yourself internally. So ummm... I need to make a new vaporiser though, smoking just fucks my chest up too much. But I also have to stop being afraid of authority, becasue there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing that warrants me being locked away, and I know that 100%.... there may be a few small things wrong with making a habit out of drugs to get perspective, but that's for me to figure out, not some police force. But it all comes down to having a will. Thanks very much to the one who said I have to be a warrior, because it's true... if I'm a warrior fear is not an issue, I will overcome anything....... but that will is sorely missing, I'm bogged down by doubt, second guessing, uncertainty......... fear. I'm my own worst enemy, not the police. You cuold walk around stoned as fuck even around cops and they probably wouldn't notice as long as you don't look guilty, the war on drugs is a complete atrocity, but it's all about perspective of whether you let yourself become a victim to it. *also I don't hate these people and I make efforts to just look at them as I would look at me, they have their own dramas and delusions and we all have "Buddha-nature" i.e. divinity within us. -------------------- ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Edited by leery11 (01/28/06 11:10 AM)
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CUBErt Connoisseur ofHa  Registered: 08/24/05 Posts: 1,067 Loc: Southern CA Last seen: 14 years, 6 months |
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"I feel like I HAVE to do something to help people, but I don't know what... these charities make me uneasy, I want to send a card to a prisoner, yes amnesty, I do.... but at the same time it's so disconnected, why can't I make my OWN card .... I can? So why don't I? And sometimes I see handicapped people that can't even move right and it just.... what the fuck man."
I think that you should start actively pursuing ways to help other people. It is obvious that you have the desire but all this other depression is dragging you down and sucking out your motivation. Go out and share some food with a homeless man, go visit prisoners, do whatever you want to help others. You will improve the quality of their life and the quality of your own. Don't stress yourself over finding the right girl, find other things that make you happy and things will start to fall into place. -------------------- -CUBErt  
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DirtMcgirt in a pinch Registered: 10/20/04 Posts: 2,213 Loc: city of angels |
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IF you veiw somebody and make an assumption about them, they will notice through your body language and demeanor. You said it yourself:
Quote: Open up to people and they will open up to you. It doesn't mean everybody will, or most will for that matter, but don't let that get you down. -------------------- "And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything." Edited by DirtMcgirt (01/29/06 12:25 AM)
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redtailedhawk Explorer of the Mystery  Registered: 11/24/04 Posts: 559 Loc: The Old Continen |
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You are overwhelmed and confused my friend. You will achieve nothing in this state. You need to sit down, turn on some mellow music and make a list of things you want to achieve in each of the different sections of your life: friends, school, sexual relationships, etc. Then learn about your options and plan out a strategy on how you will achieve each of the things you want, one small step at the time. Stop focusing so much of your attention on problems. Choose to focus on solutions instead.
You will notice a great improvement in your mood once you start moving into the directions of your dreams. Be thankful you know what they are. Most don't. --------------------  "Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."
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