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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
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Seconds...
    #4968689 - 11/22/05 03:14 PM (18 years, 4 months ago)

Just threw this together... rhyme formats are a little simplistic, but I enjoy the content. Not that anyone comments on poetry around here anyway... hint hint!

Seconds
-------

The sky absolves it's children's fall,
and seconds seem to slow.

I ask the phone why I'm alone;
the contradictions glow.

I can't solve this after all this
time I've had to grow

Grew up in mind, but left behind
the body and the soul.

-

Now seconds fly like custard pie
but leave me feeling low.

Safety lines, a buck 'o five.
But wait! There's more to show.

I realize that I've denied
my self of my own throne...

I feel my wheels are breaking down,
still miles from the road.

Edited by JacquesCousteau (11/22/05 03:46 PM)

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InvisibleJim
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Registered: 04/07/04
Posts: 20,922
Re: Seconds... [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4974828 - 11/23/05 11:38 PM (18 years, 4 months ago)

as always :thumbup:


--------------------
Use the Fucking Reply To Feature You Lazy Pieces of Shit!

afoaf said:
Jim, if you were in my city, I would let you fuck my wife.

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InvisibleJim
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Posts: 20,922
Re: Seconds... [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4979924 - 11/25/05 12:37 PM (18 years, 4 months ago)

we should a few songs together for the next gathering.

I have a bunch of original compositions for the guitar that honestly just rock. They need lyrics and a second guitar, ie. you.

Ill try and record some of them for you to hear... I only have a shitty computer mic hear, my sm-57 is out on loan.


--------------------
Use the Fucking Reply To Feature You Lazy Pieces of Shit!

afoaf said:
Jim, if you were in my city, I would let you fuck my wife.

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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Seconds... [Re: Jim]
    #4993983 - 11/29/05 12:28 PM (18 years, 4 months ago)

Hey, it's worth a shot... you're welcome to get some stuff recorded and PM me a link or something... or let me know if you want to email them or something.

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Offlineplexus
holding thelight of athousand candles

Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 1,291
Loc: texas
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
Re: Seconds... [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4994506 - 11/29/05 02:33 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Youre right. No one reads a persons poems in any forum ive been to.
I have a few suggestions...

1. I always find it helps when Im done with a poem to go through and take out the "thes" and "ands" and words like that that I dont really need.

For examople:
"The sky absolves it's children's fall,
and seconds seem to slow."


I think that line would flow better withouth the "and"
Like

"The sky absolves it's children's fall;
seconds seem to slow."

or if you need the rhyme scheme to stay the same like for a song or something, switch it out with words more aproppriate

Something like:
"The sky absolves it's children's fall
While seconds seem to slow."

Or using an "s" word would help your repetition
Like:
"The sky absolves it's children's fall
Still, seconds seem to slow."

but maybe thats too much "s" for you.

You can do it throughout the poem..

I ask the phone why I'm alone;
All contradictions glow.

Now seconds fly like custard pie
They (or Then) leave me feeling low.

etc.

2.The other thing is this line

"I can't solve this after all this
time I've had to grow"


This line bugs me.
The "solve this after all this"
It doesnt read well.

I think you need to change the first "this" cause i dont naturally flow to the next line to read "this time" my first instict is to read the line over cause it sounds wrong in my head.


3. Also, I think the poem would be much better if you made the first half a past tense and the second half present tense

Like this:

The sky absolved it's children's fall,
and seconds seemed to slow.

I asked the phone why I'm alone;
the contradictions glowed.

I couldn't solve this after all this
time I've had to grow

Grown up in mind, but left behind
the body and the soul.

(changing grew to grown helps a transition into present tense because that line could be past tense or present tense.)

-

Now seconds fly like custard pie
but leave me feeling low.

Safety lines, a buck 'o five.
But wait! There's more to show.

I realize that I deny
my self of my own throne...

I feel my wheels are breaking down,
still miles from the road.


Just some suggestions.
Cool poem though. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
You know this means youre gonna have to read and comment on one of mine if I post one.
:evildog:


--------------------
that there, thats not me. :noway:
i go where i please. :yesnod:
im not here.:shake:
this isnt happening.:nonono:

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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Seconds... [Re: plexus]
    #4994574 - 11/29/05 02:52 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Hey man... I really appreciate the critique. It's pretty fucking rare that anyone bothers to really stop and offer a writer's perspective on any literary art that comes through here.

I really enjoyed your advice... it's the fine tuning that really makes a piece shine. I will be back soon with a revised version for you.

P.S. I'd be glad to return the favor any time!

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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Seconds... [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4994657 - 11/29/05 03:16 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Revision:

Seconds
-------

The sky absolved, it's children fall.
In seconds, turned to snow.

I asked the phone why I'm alone;
the contradictions glowed.

Could not solve this after all
this time I've had to grow...

Grown up in mind, but left behind
a body and a soul.

-

Now seconds fly like custard pie
but leave me feeling low.

Safety lines, a buck 'o five.
But wait! There's more to show.

I've realized that I deny
myself my own atone.

My wheels and seals are breaking down.
I'm miles from the road.

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OfflinePinballWizard
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Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 2,804
Last seen: 9 years, 11 months
Re: Seconds... [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4994835 - 11/29/05 04:05 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Wow, it really is much better now. I didn't really like your poem at first, but now it's pretty good.

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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
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Re: Seconds... [Re: PinballWizard]
    #4995006 - 11/29/05 04:54 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Why thank you.

See how far a little constructive criticism can go, people? :P

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Offlineplexus
holding thelight of athousand candles

Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 1,291
Loc: texas
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
Re: Seconds... [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4996674 - 11/29/05 10:34 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JacquesCousteau said:
Revision:

Seconds
-------

The sky absolved, it's children fall.
In seconds, turned to snow.

I asked the phone why I'm alone;
the contradictions glowed.

Could not solve this after all
this time I've had to grow...

Grown up in mind, but left behind
a body and a soul.

-

Now seconds fly like custard pie
but leave me feeling low.

Safety lines, a buck 'o five.
But wait! There's more to show.

I've realized that I deny
myself my own atone.

My wheels and seals are breaking down.
I'm miles from the road.




Wow. Yea.
That really made that poem.
I really love it now.
I'd love to hear it as a song.
Is it something youre making into a song?

I especially liked how you changed this line
"Could not solve this after all
this time I've had to grow..."


But all in all, really good.

I have an idea of what its about.
Whats your interpretation of it?


--------------------
that there, thats not me. :noway:
i go where i please. :yesnod:
im not here.:shake:
this isnt happening.:nonono:

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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
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Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
Re: Seconds... [Re: plexus]
    #4998157 - 11/30/05 11:34 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

It's about how my addictions inhibit my ability to maintain a spiritual lifestyle.

"I asked the phone why I'm alone... the contradictions glowed." - This line addresses my tendency to ignore the obvious answers to my problem.

"Could not solve this after all this time I've had to grow..." - This addresses the tendency to think that addiction will "work itself out" over time...

"Grown up in mind, but left behind a body and a soul." - This line is a little more personalized... it refers to the personal imbalance my addictions have caused.

---

"Now seconds fly like custard pie, but leave me feeling low" - This references the way one has fun and time flies while under the influence, but leaves you with the inevitable drop after the fact when self-judgement sets in.

"Safety lines a buck o' five" - "Safety lines" represents my use of drugs as a crutch to get through life.

"I've realized that I deny myself my own atone" - This has to do with how I have trouble forgiving and trusting myself after breaking so many promises to myself.


"My wheels and seals are breaking down. I'm miles from the road." - To put it simply, I'm falling apart physically and can't seem to get myself back on track to physical health and well-being.

--

Guess that's about it. Something like what you were thinking? Heh.

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