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 vivid
Stranger
 
Registered: 12/14/99
Posts: 1,888
Loc: Berkeley, California
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 at the end of my rope 
#3249225 - 10/12/04 08:49 PM (19 years, 6 months ago) |
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2004 has severely kicked my ass. Its been one fucked up thing after another, without rest, to the point I can't remember any good things happening at all. I was rolling with the punches, as I didn't have any choice really and finally the ceaseless head beatings have done me in. I'm a fucking mess, I mean, I've actually contemplated the thought that there might be a God, because all the shit is beyond ridiculous.
I found out on new years that my paternal gpa had cancer and had only a few months to live. He died a couple weeks later in mid january. Then about 2 months later, my other grandfather and last surviving grandparent had a heart attack, and got sent to the hospital. I was going to visit him the next morning, but he died overnight before i could see him. The next weekend my favorite uncle (really the only one i could relate to) died of asphyxiation, the doctors had missed a group of clots in his leg from a motorcycle acident and they collected in his lungs. I was layed off twice because the company i worked for went out of business. Someone i trusted ripped me off for $240, then I got a huge ticket because a cop decided i ran a red light, even though it was yellow.. and that bottomed out my bank account and made it impossible to pay off my other debt. I had a classically shitty birthday, which i should have expected but on top of my normal depression around my birthday I found out my cat was dying when i got back from my road trip. Then I went into the doctors cause I had no energy and had weird chest pains and shit.. and the test comes back that i've got an autoimmune disease. I dont fucking get it, I'm having a real hard time dealing with this shit, cause nothing ever gets to settle before the next thing comes along and nothing good has happened for a real long time (except that my cat is being treated and has a few months to live now). I know this is a pretty sickly sob story.. but I got no one I can talk to about this shit, so this is kind of my only outlet. I'm feeling seriously depressed, which is something I didn't figure i'd be back at for a long time (I had a lot of angst as a teen but got over it). I used to run to get out alot of stress, but my knee doesn't allow that now, theres nothing i can do, all this shit has been out of my control and it makes me feel like my whole life is out of my control now.. like its one big fucking spiral of shit leading only to worse times. I just dont know what to do to feel better anymore, and I'm starting to lose hope that things are going to get better. 
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Nemo_Hoes
Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobo Ramírez
Registered: 09/16/04
Posts: 39,721
Loc: Ray Ray's Mystery Garage
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 Re: at the end of my rope [Re: vivid]
#3249264 - 10/12/04 08:55 PM (19 years, 6 months ago) |
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Things will get better just give it time and be optimistic, and I'm sorry about all the deaths in the family, and about your cat, I had gotten a cat when I was five and she was the runt of the litter and I found out when I moved down to florida that she was very sick and was going to die, it made me sadder than I think i've ever been, except when my grandfather died and when my great grandma died when i was in jail. But anyways back to the cat, just feed the cat ice cream, tuna, milk whatever it likes. Just make it happy. I still have my cat in an urn in my room. And my grandpa who died wasn't my bioligical grandpa but the only thing i've ever had close to a grandfather, my one grandpa left my grandma and moved to arkansas, and my other grandpa left my other grandma and moved to alaska, I never met him he died when iwas younger. I've had alot of bad experiences like you and they all had to happen at the same time, but something good always happens down the line, so keep your head up.
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We will also report to the NAACP and to Al Sharpton's entourage, how the Shroomery administrators allows their mods and members to be balatantly allowed the use of the 'N' word.
Edited by master_shake (10/12/04 08:59 PM)
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adrug
Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
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Re: at the end of my rope [Re: vivid]
#3249346 - 10/12/04 09:09 PM (19 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hang in there, vivid. Its been a rough year or so for me as well so I know how you're feeling. 
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question_for_joo
i'm left. youall can bite me
Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 1,591
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Re: at the end of my rope [Re: vivid]
#3249766 - 10/12/04 10:17 PM (19 years, 6 months ago) |
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Sorry to hear about all that stuff. If you can keep on keeping on it will all turn around and serve you eventually. How? I dunno. I personally believe that we accumulate karmic credit during times when we persevere through undeserved bad luck in the same way we build karmic debt when good things happen to us when we don't deserve them. If you don't believe in karma just think of it all from a Niezchian perspective: you build a thicker hide, you become mentally stronger. That's a good thing.
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youi was a pig informatnt so you can go fuckyoruselfs
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 Divided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings
Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 15 years, 10 months
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Re: at the end of my rope [Re: adrug]
#3249786 - 10/12/04 10:20 PM (19 years, 6 months ago) |
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Sometimes things just happen. I know a few months back I felt almost the worst I had ever felt in my life, pretty much out of nowhere, and it was a hard road back to feeling normal. Do your best to see the good in things. Also I find that when I am depressed it is the easiest time to set my life straight. When you are feeling the worst you are in the best position to emphathize with other people, and learning to emphathize with other people makes you feel happier about your life. Good luck. I know it's hard. 
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1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."
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Barbi
Plastic Person
Registered: 04/22/02
Posts: 12,976
Last seen: 19 years, 5 months
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Re: at the end of my rope [Re: vivid]
#3250357 - 10/13/04 12:36 AM (19 years, 6 months ago) |
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You are always welcome here in az if you need to get away man. you know it.
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GnuBobo
Frilly Cuffs Extraordinaire
Registered: 06/17/04
Posts: 43,754
Loc: Charisma
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Re: at the end of my rope [Re: Barbi]
#3250772 - 10/13/04 02:31 AM (19 years, 6 months ago) |
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Vivid: Step back, if you can. Disassociate yourself and recognize your feelings for what they are: natural human reactions to a horrible pile of experiential shit. Try, man. I myself have a chronic condition and I say, "This fucking sucks!"
But we get along. Recovery is long, but when you see hope, that's key. I have an "autoimmune" disorder as well. Educate yourself. Then lay Dragon's Teeth around your pscho-biological borders.
Understanding of one's mind is quite rewarding and empowering. 
GB
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Jerry Garcia. JERRY GARCIA! JERRY GARCIA!!!!
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mr crisper
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Registered: 07/24/00
Posts: 928
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Re: at the end of my rope [Re: vivid]
#3254146 - 10/19/04 11:13 PM (19 years, 5 months ago) |
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hi vivid
it sounds like a crap year.
hang on, in a couple of months its 2005 and you can wipe your ass of 2004.
deaths of friends and family are going to happen. as you get older it will occur more and more frequently.
when my grandparents died, i thought it was cool they had enjoyed such long lives.
this year a friend of mine died of cancer, she was mid-thirties.
that fkn sucked.
i'm sorry to hear about your uncle. it bothers me a lot when people die young.
getting ripped off, ticketed, losing jobs and getting sick can be seen as life's way of guiding you.
you get to learn about trust, driving, being independent (ie-don't rely on some company to look after you) and, i bet, getting sick means
you have to start taking real good care of yourself - eat healthy food, exercise, avoid over-indulgence.
all the above are just my thoughts, you can ignore it if u like.
nevertheless, i hope you will soon be walking in sunshine.
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