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poke smot!
floccinocci floofinator
Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 5,248
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An update
#2772125 - 06/07/04 03:18 PM (19 years, 9 months ago) |
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So much stupid shit... Still feeling shitty once in a while recently, and still occasionally using OC. I smoke pot once in a very long while too. Taking depakote twice daily 500mg and abilify 10mg, stopped the lexapro 5mg too.
Decided I might need rehab. First they tell me I need to go to the ER to get detoxed. Then I'm like fuck that, why? And then they say well maybe you don't have that much of a problem.
But the person that my family/I were speaking with said I have extreme social anxiety, and don't have borderline personality. I think that's BS and gives me less hope when doctors just keep going from one diagnosis to the next, to whichever seems fit for the moment for them to get your business.
I still get anxious and shit, and use things to bring that down. Over the last two weeks I went through my whole refill on klonopins, thats 60 .5 mg pills, and lately I'm still not sleeping normal, going from up to down, etc, etc.
I still get so down that I want to kill myself. Thoughts about death run wild in my brain and I loathe for something to drown out the bad thoughts and sensations. Anxiety and restlessness will prevail until I get the next fix, or I find something to do that takes away the anxiety, or I just sleep it off. But I can't continue to live like this.
I feel like counselling is going nowhere. I go there for an hour every what, two weeks, just to work on a tiny little problem and have such little said, that it would take years and years to resolve the backload of issues. It's a waste of time and money, and the money isn't mine. I want to get on with life but this is just keeping me.
After work today I felt stressed. So I jammed .5mg klonopin, 10mg abilify, and ate 2 valerian, 1 L-theanine supplement, and a .5mg klonopin, washed down with a beer. Also had a tinicure of kava.
My friend put into words what I'm trying to accomplish... I just want to drown out the negative thoughts and shit. I wish I could turn them positive and go in the right direction but something holds me back. Since I quit the lexapro, I'm going to start experimenting with syrian rue again.
Rue dissociates me a good bit and gives me a good feeling inside that reflects its natural antidepressant properties. Hopefully this, along with introspection and some counselling, will lead me to resolving this repetitive self-destructive cycle. I have used rue in the past a good bit, and I remember it being good for having positive psychedelic antidepressant properties. Harmaline and harmala are the beta-carbolines for me.
Just wanted to post an update.
Edited by poke smot! (09/07/20 01:44 PM)
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poke smot!
floccinocci floofinator
Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 5,248
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Re: An update *DELETED* [Re: poke smot!]
#2807659 - 06/18/04 11:09 PM (19 years, 9 months ago) |
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Post deleted by poke smot!Reason for deletion: x
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Quote:
poke smot! said: Another one, if anyone is interested...
Seroquel and Depakote seems to be the winner this time. I haven't been really manic nor depressed. Theres good shit, bad shit, but at least there's no anxiety.
The only difficulty is that I'm on 800mg of seroquel a day (200 in the morning, 600 at night) which worked out to be something like $430, not to mention the depakote. Hopefully I can get the best outta seroquel.
Oh yeah, I don't know if it is a side effect, but once in a while my leg or arm will strongly twitch, a single jolt enough to feel my leg involuntarily move.
Hey Poke!! I read your first post in this thread and meant to respond at the time but got sidetracked.
I think that it's GREAT that your meds are being a help to you this time around. Glad that they're helping you out with anxiety.
Maybe that twitching will go away in time...
Keep me posted man, I'm glad to hear that you're doing better.
truly,
*me*
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Mystrys
Stranger
Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 2
Last seen: 18 years, 4 months
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Quote:
poke smot! said: Oh yeah, I don't know if it is a side effect, but once in a while my leg or arm will strongly twitch, a single jolt enough to feel my leg involuntarily move.
I know this is old, but this was a cocktail I too tried for Severe Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar/Borderline Personality Disorder, and to answer your muscle twitching question if you still read this........YES!!! It is a well known side affect of the Depakote actually and if not watched the twitches will turn to tremors as mine did and you run the risk of them becoming permanent and non-reversible. I quit them in time to avoid any permanent effects.
Just thought I'd add my .02 to an old thread in hopes of helping you or anyone else in our shoes.
Love & Light
~K~
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Society
Mmmm... pizza
Registered: 07/03/04
Posts: 14,303
Loc:
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Re: An update [Re: Mystrys]
#4504427 - 08/06/05 05:21 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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poke smot!, I don't understand your problem, but I hope that all goes well.
Because of my personal experiences with some of the drugs you mentioned, I always opt to go med-free. However, if the meds are trully helping, then I'm glad for you.
The twitch thing, I'm pretty sure, is a side-effect of Seroquel that my psychiatrist told me about (red tape!). Apparently, it can be a permanently damaging movement disorder.
-------------------- Delicious Pizza
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The_Red_Crayon
Exposer of Truth
Registered: 08/13/03
Posts: 13,673
Loc: Smokey Mtns. TN
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Im manic depressive,adhd, Aspergers.Im currently using Geodon and Doxepin and its been the best low side effect medication ive ever had. I took depakote for years and it gave me a goddamn ulcer, also gave me horrible tremor.
I did not like depakote.
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Mystrys
Stranger
Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 2
Last seen: 18 years, 4 months
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I agree T-R-C.....my twitches from Depakote even AFTER stopping Seroquel, became full on tremors! Fuck that shit....I take my lithium now and nothing else. I am finding other ways to cope and deal w/out all the damn meds.
The meds are worse than the disease in my opinion.
Edited by Mystrys (08/06/05 09:49 PM)
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freddurgan
Techgnostic
Registered: 01/11/04
Posts: 3,648
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
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Re: An update [Re: Mystrys]
#4505546 - 08/06/05 11:40 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Mystrys said: The meds are worse than the disease in my opinion.
I'd bet there are many many people who feel the same way.
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