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 lavod
Seal Whisperer
Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 5,455
Loc: Over the rainbow
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 Life on the reservation   1
#24504030 - 07/23/17 10:56 PM (6 years, 8 months ago) |
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The following is terribly depressing and i do'nt always feel this way. But sometimes i do, and feel compelled to give it speech. I respect the experience and opinions others may have on sobriety if they differ from what follows, but i must rant for a spell.
It's malarkey ya know. All these AA folk and likewise talking about how you're a success if you've overcome addiction. Nay, my success is a suck sesh. I'm part ov a conquered people, forced onto a reservation. Reservation is limitation and it pervades while i beat at enclosing white walls. Happy clouds on recovery pamphlets clouding me in, ever dry and no longer finding re-lease through liquid appeasement.
Think about any situation and it's a lose-lose-lose-lose scenario. Friends drink around me and i'm jealous and unsatisfied. Friends purposely do'nt drink around me and i feel guilty for it. Do'nt get invited to drinking functions and i feel alone and miserable. And if i were to drink again it would be bad for them and bad for me. So i let my soul dry out and atrophy.
I have amazing friends and lovers. A solid job although i dislike it. Great momentary smiles on occasion. Enjoyment ov kava, cannabis, and other drugs. And yet nothing fills the void that my dear friend alcohol left behind. That ever close but dangerous friend who was always there for me, through good times and bad, and yet would get me into trouble all the same. The abandonment leaves a sense ov betrayal upon which my resentment sticks like dead flies to the bottom ov an empty whiskey glass left out in summer heat. I can see why alcoholism is so common on native reservations.
imaginary walls constrict the soul
squeezing out the ink from the fortune bowl
i'm left with but a clear looking glass
through which i observe father time passing gas
and i'm sure it fucking stinks
sobering up and burning like a sobraine fag
drawn from a black box and sucked into a white hag
another drag to pass the time
another brush wag ov whitewash lime
painting over the rainbow inks
a world ov infection was sanitized with alcohol
but now i've an affection ov my being all
all ad-vice clenches like a vice
and itches upon my skin like a head full ov lice
into my head the parasite sinks
you've broken my mind now spare me a peace ov it
whereto wondered the piece where the peace was lit?
where are the disjointed thoughts that only made sense to me
re-membering from the aethyr like an alien entity?
riddle me, this sphinx
forced unto a reservation raped ov pride
the counselor, like the wide eyed, lied
there is nothing but decay on this land
and my eye has been pulled out from my hand
i can only wish it were clasping some drinks
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 Tmethyl
Smear in the shale
Registered: 07/16/12
Posts: 16,431
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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 Re: Life on the reservation [Re: lavod]
#24504064 - 07/23/17 11:23 PM (6 years, 8 months ago) |
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That was incredible. 
This void that alcohol leaves is temporary and I hope your depression is as well.
I often find myself feeling horrible guilt for what my(white) people have done to yours and I really don't know how to say sorry
to a whole group of people who were raped, replaced, moved and 'defeated' so that my people could move in.
I know it was in the past and I was not part of it but the scars are deeply cut and your people still suffer while mine 'thrive' in psychopathic cultures of money worship.
All I can say is you deserve better and fuck white people including myself.
--------------------
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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lavod
Seal Whisperer
Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 5,455
Loc: Over the rainbow
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Re: Life on the reservation [Re: Tmethyl]
#24504088 - 07/23/17 11:39 PM (6 years, 8 months ago) |
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Oops! I'm sorry for the confusion. I was using the reservation reference in allegory. I feel as though i am living on a reservation through sobriety. Reserve=limit. I do not live on a reservation nor am i a native American(i likely have distant Sami ancestry) although i have great respect for their culture and plight. I hope that the reference does not offend. Thank you much for your response though.
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Tmethyl
Smear in the shale
Registered: 07/16/12
Posts: 16,431
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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Re: Life on the reservation [Re: lavod]
#24504118 - 07/23/17 11:58 PM (6 years, 8 months ago) |
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All good, my statement still stands for any natives on reservations. Still you managed to bring across an incredible message.
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Connoisseur
Registered: 05/13/11
Posts: 34,686
Last seen: 5 years, 5 months
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Re: Life on the reservation [Re: lavod]
#24504423 - 07/24/17 06:21 AM (6 years, 8 months ago) |
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i can relate to that feel lavod, hope your doing well in general though
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