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OfflineTrippedytrip
TrippedyTrip
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Registered: 09/07/15
Posts: 514
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
Missing Life
    #23920569 - 12/12/16 06:21 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Hello Guys ,

I am writing this with all the pieces of my heart wich havnt left. .


Say that my name is John.

I grew up very naturally involved to nature and i always was a adventurer as a kid .
I loved nature , i remember how i kissed shrugs and moved them from the street so the cars wouldnt hurt them . I was a very sensitive sentimental human being with a lot of love .
I gre up with my father , mother and 2 year older sister.
They divorced like 7 years ago , at that time i was in puberty and full of hate towards my father for being such an asshole and ruining our life. .
My mother my sister and I since then lived together and stayed strong .
I grew up pretty sensitive due to growing up with 2 woman.
In puberty time i had a lot of good friendships , i partyed a lot , we were drinking every weekend and partying till se sun rose :smile:
It was a good life !
I was in a International school , i learned a lot of languages and had the whole future in front of me , i had a extroverted attitude towards life and nothing could stop me !
I loved to play football , go out , meet girls .
It was when i was 16 when i decided to bump school bcs i didnt see any sense anymore , i was vague , didnt go to class , didnt do a fuck . My friend introduced me to Maryjane and i loved it :smile:
I started seeing things with a different point of view , a very calm , relaxed and smart way.

I decided to move away from my mother . My sister left to Holland to study that year .
I decided to move to Germany , were i was born .

Didnt remember much because i left from there when i was 3 .
I decided to start an apprenticeship in the Hotellerie Business wich i saw in it a promising future due to my attitude and languages etcetc.
I thought i was ready but it was pretty hard leaving all friends behind and starting a new life , living alone , arranging all things by myself , starting to get more mature and growing up!
The first year when very good ! I got to know a lot of nice people , different people , different culture .
I met new friends wich brought me to the psytrance scene and raving scene , i liked that kind of music a lot , it just opened my consciousness when listening to it !
My first xtc came , i loved it !
I was opening myself to a path , wich was very interesting but i had never thought i would have taken it this way.
I met a friend , he was 1 of my good friends during this year , he was working in the same business and we get on good , we chilled together after work , whent partying , drank beer .
He was quite experienced and he always explained the funny situations he had on different drugs and he opened myself kinda to that path.
I dont really know how it came to this idea where i was very interested by magic mushrooms .
He said he had very good time with it and that it was very fun!
At that time i was a bit naive and essy to convince , my personality had weakened because i was getting to know my much better i , my native I . A different person who i didnt know.
Then things went on , i ordered a grow kit , i cultivated some Hawaiaan Pes Cubensis. In 2-3 Weeks they were ready to ingest .
I didnt think much of the consequences such a experience could bring i just was very open at that point and with a positive attiude towards it .
That day changed my life for ever .
I finished job i went home , called my friend and he told me he would be in a couple hours at home .
I was going to show him the harvest and giving him a surprise with it !
He was pretty amazed , we decided then to take the Shrooms in his apartment .
All was flowing all seemed to be good . Before the come up we went to the gas station , took a walk to get us smthing to drink and to eat for afterwards.
He was tripping , indeed i had a strange feeling in the gut but didnt throw up , i didnt get any visuals it was weird . After 1 hour it started , i was fading , colours were coming .
At that point as you maybe have read in my other post is when this event happened wich changed my life for ever . Two drunk female friends were like shouting through the window if we were here , the flow of the trip was broken , i was confused , at that point i was just fighting the trip , didnt know what was happening , i was speekless , i noticed it that second wre things changed , i literally felt that my brain got stuck in that moment of panic . We took the cab i dont know why and changed setting to her house and ended the trip there .
I really know by now that since that trip y really never felt normal again as before . I continued going to work , going to classes nut everything felt harder . My parents slowly noticed also that i was more introverted and different .
3  Difficult Months went by , i was messing at work really hard and things were much harder for me than before . I realize it now that something was not correct but maybe in that moment i didnt want to admit it .
All went black black black , i  got fired at work , i lost like 20 kg in 1 month . I was exhausted ,i wasnt normal , i wasnt the guy i used to be . I went to the Psychich ward for 8 weeks . There we looked into a lot of possibilities of what ws happening to me ? I thought maybe dpdr ( depersonalisation/derealisation ) maybe psychozrenia.
I finally was understanding more and more what was happening , how i was feeling and why?

I knew by then that all was due to the mushrooms trip i had last year , it was hard to admit myself i got stucked in it . I knew a guy in the ward who got stucked on acid when he was young to and he wss by then like 45 sipping beer on the streets .

After the ward , my mother came , and she rented for us two a appartment .
We are living now together since 3-5 months .
I dont go out , i feel ashamed of me every time i go out . I did go out many times but it has been harder till i took the deicision of not going anywhere . I stayed the last 4 months at home helping my mother in work at home and making the work need to be done at home.
I am writing this with a broken heart , i would give everything of me to go back in time and change it .
Life is about deicisions and this one has fucked up my futute , my life i had , everything .
I am so ashamed of me that this happened , i am so ashamed to even speak to my friends if they ask how i am and i dont answer . Seeing all make their lifes going to university , partying , all the fuking amazing stuff i would be doing . It breaks my heart stnding up every morning after not even sleeping well. I have lost everything guys except my mother and my sister who love me .
I really dont understand that this fukin shroom has fucked me up so much , and at this point i dont blame it only on the shrooms , it was me at a young age , not much aware of negative outcomes , but that this would happen.
I am speekless , every day of my life would be a shit if i wouldnt ser my mother ir my sister .
In this time i have thought a lot about suicide because i am a weight for myself. I dont want to live like this , but for my family i wont make them go through this , it would cause them to much pain.

I think guys thankyou very much if you read everything , i just needed to let this out and i hope you can understand my situation wich is hard , because many would say , you can still write logically and rationally etcetc .It is like that guys i stopped making up things and i faced the true reality of how things are .
I am writing this in tears and it breaks me up every time , every day , when i wake up just regreting that single day of my young life wich has ruined all my future.

Peace guys
Love may be with all of you

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InvisibleyogabunnyM
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Registered: 11/01/09
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Re: Missing Life [Re: Trippedytrip]
    #23920846 - 12/12/16 08:00 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I feel for you, but you are going to be ok.

On a practical level - Yes, psychedelics have been known to turn on latent mental illness, but this does not mean you must suffer for the rest of your life.

You need to find a really good psychiatrist to work with you.

If it makes you feel any better there are MANY people I know who have experienced some kind of drug induced psychosis (myself included) and have recovered completely.

Here is a thread about one person's story: https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/12304885#12304885

You are going to fine! This is just a part of life that is a learning experience. There is gift and a silver lining here, it just might not be apparent just yet.


--------------------

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OfflineBuster_Brown
L'une
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Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,605
Last seen: 10 minutes, 13 seconds
Re: Missing Life [Re: Trippedytrip]
    #23920913 - 12/12/16 08:21 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Trippedytrip said:

They divorced like 7 years ago , at that time i was in puberty and full of hate towards my father for being such an asshole and ruining our life. .




as opposed too...
Quote:

Trippedytrip said:
10/24/16

I am neither depressed , i had a brilliant childhood etc etc.






Let's be honest...Why not?

Because you have something to hide and it can't be your fault.


OCD Causes    Psycho: unresolved issues during childhood
Human: interruption in social and emotional development
Bio: genetics, illnesses, and drug use  https://quizlet.com/133680418/disorders-and-therapy-flash-cards/ 

Edited by Buster_Brown (12/12/16 08:39 PM)

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OfflineBuster_Brown
L'une
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Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,605
Last seen: 10 minutes, 13 seconds
Re: Missing Life [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #23921075 - 12/12/16 09:24 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I'm the reason for my mother's divorce.

I told her (in not so many words) that my father was fooling around with the maid.

Her response was to pack up the kids and leave.


Working along those lines I'd say something similar happened, with some drastic difference.

Obviously married men will fool around given half the chance.

I can only wonder at what drastic difference resulted in your drastic state.

Perhaps it is Archetypical resulting in the world around us where somehow you've been sacrificed to preserve the status.


Let's try this...

(1) You were a bright jewel as a child

(2) Until you met with opposition

(3) Your anguish was picked up by your mother

(4) Who directed the blame at your father.


Let's rephrase that...


(1) You were a bright jewel as a child

(2) Until your freedom was rejected


(3) Your anguish was picked up by your mother

(4) Who then rejected your father's freedom


(5) With your father now out of the picture


(6) Your only recourse in association with humanity

(7) Is to claim insanity


(8) When in fact....










(9) There's nothing wrong with you.




Edited by Buster_Brown (12/13/16 01:06 AM)

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OfflineGrandDankness
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Registered: 12/15/16
Posts: 13
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
Re: Missing Life [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #23930771 - 12/15/16 08:02 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

@ Buster_Brown: Not trying to make light of this conversation but this makes me believe you'd probably make a great writer for character development. I'll go back to lurking.

@ Trippedytrip: I'm not a huggy person IRL but *internet hugs you* I wish I could constructively add something to this but... I can't so I'm not going to try and lie with advice.

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OfflineBuster_Brown
L'une
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Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,605
Last seen: 10 minutes, 13 seconds
Re: Missing Life [Re: GrandDankness]
    #23930802 - 12/15/16 08:13 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

AP News Harping hack hacks horrendously...

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