Hello Guys ,
I am writing this with all the pieces of my heart wich havnt left. .
Say that my name is John.
I grew up very naturally involved to nature and i always was a adventurer as a kid . I loved nature , i remember how i kissed shrugs and moved them from the street so the cars wouldnt hurt them . I was a very sensitive sentimental human being with a lot of love . I gre up with my father , mother and 2 year older sister. They divorced like 7 years ago , at that time i was in puberty and full of hate towards my father for being such an asshole and ruining our life. . My mother my sister and I since then lived together and stayed strong . I grew up pretty sensitive due to growing up with 2 woman. In puberty time i had a lot of good friendships , i partyed a lot , we were drinking every weekend and partying till se sun rose It was a good life ! I was in a International school , i learned a lot of languages and had the whole future in front of me , i had a extroverted attitude towards life and nothing could stop me ! I loved to play football , go out , meet girls . It was when i was 16 when i decided to bump school bcs i didnt see any sense anymore , i was vague , didnt go to class , didnt do a fuck . My friend introduced me to Maryjane and i loved it I started seeing things with a different point of view , a very calm , relaxed and smart way.
I decided to move away from my mother . My sister left to Holland to study that year . I decided to move to Germany , were i was born .
Didnt remember much because i left from there when i was 3 . I decided to start an apprenticeship in the Hotellerie Business wich i saw in it a promising future due to my attitude and languages etcetc. I thought i was ready but it was pretty hard leaving all friends behind and starting a new life , living alone , arranging all things by myself , starting to get more mature and growing up! The first year when very good ! I got to know a lot of nice people , different people , different culture . I met new friends wich brought me to the psytrance scene and raving scene , i liked that kind of music a lot , it just opened my consciousness when listening to it ! My first xtc came , i loved it ! I was opening myself to a path , wich was very interesting but i had never thought i would have taken it this way. I met a friend , he was 1 of my good friends during this year , he was working in the same business and we get on good , we chilled together after work , whent partying , drank beer . He was quite experienced and he always explained the funny situations he had on different drugs and he opened myself kinda to that path. I dont really know how it came to this idea where i was very interested by magic mushrooms . He said he had very good time with it and that it was very fun! At that time i was a bit naive and essy to convince , my personality had weakened because i was getting to know my much better i , my native I . A different person who i didnt know. Then things went on , i ordered a grow kit , i cultivated some Hawaiaan Pes Cubensis. In 2-3 Weeks they were ready to ingest . I didnt think much of the consequences such a experience could bring i just was very open at that point and with a positive attiude towards it . That day changed my life for ever . I finished job i went home , called my friend and he told me he would be in a couple hours at home . I was going to show him the harvest and giving him a surprise with it ! He was pretty amazed , we decided then to take the Shrooms in his apartment . All was flowing all seemed to be good . Before the come up we went to the gas station , took a walk to get us smthing to drink and to eat for afterwards. He was tripping , indeed i had a strange feeling in the gut but didnt throw up , i didnt get any visuals it was weird . After 1 hour it started , i was fading , colours were coming . At that point as you maybe have read in my other post is when this event happened wich changed my life for ever . Two drunk female friends were like shouting through the window if we were here , the flow of the trip was broken , i was confused , at that point i was just fighting the trip , didnt know what was happening , i was speekless , i noticed it that second wre things changed , i literally felt that my brain got stuck in that moment of panic . We took the cab i dont know why and changed setting to her house and ended the trip there . I really know by now that since that trip y really never felt normal again as before . I continued going to work , going to classes nut everything felt harder . My parents slowly noticed also that i was more introverted and different . 3 Difficult Months went by , i was messing at work really hard and things were much harder for me than before . I realize it now that something was not correct but maybe in that moment i didnt want to admit it . All went black black black , i got fired at work , i lost like 20 kg in 1 month . I was exhausted ,i wasnt normal , i wasnt the guy i used to be . I went to the Psychich ward for 8 weeks . There we looked into a lot of possibilities of what ws happening to me ? I thought maybe dpdr ( depersonalisation/derealisation ) maybe psychozrenia. I finally was understanding more and more what was happening , how i was feeling and why?
I knew by then that all was due to the mushrooms trip i had last year , it was hard to admit myself i got stucked in it . I knew a guy in the ward who got stucked on acid when he was young to and he wss by then like 45 sipping beer on the streets .
After the ward , my mother came , and she rented for us two a appartment . We are living now together since 3-5 months . I dont go out , i feel ashamed of me every time i go out . I did go out many times but it has been harder till i took the deicision of not going anywhere . I stayed the last 4 months at home helping my mother in work at home and making the work need to be done at home. I am writing this with a broken heart , i would give everything of me to go back in time and change it . Life is about deicisions and this one has fucked up my futute , my life i had , everything . I am so ashamed of me that this happened , i am so ashamed to even speak to my friends if they ask how i am and i dont answer . Seeing all make their lifes going to university , partying , all the fuking amazing stuff i would be doing . It breaks my heart stnding up every morning after not even sleeping well. I have lost everything guys except my mother and my sister who love me . I really dont understand that this fukin shroom has fucked me up so much , and at this point i dont blame it only on the shrooms , it was me at a young age , not much aware of negative outcomes , but that this would happen. I am speekless , every day of my life would be a shit if i wouldnt ser my mother ir my sister . In this time i have thought a lot about suicide because i am a weight for myself. I dont want to live like this , but for my family i wont make them go through this , it would cause them to much pain.
I think guys thankyou very much if you read everything , i just needed to let this out and i hope you can understand my situation wich is hard , because many would say , you can still write logically and rationally etcetc .It is like that guys i stopped making up things and i faced the true reality of how things are . I am writing this in tears and it breaks me up every time , every day , when i wake up just regreting that single day of my young life wich has ruined all my future.
Peace guys Love may be with all of you
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