Ok, I need somewhere to type this, with the hopes that someone will read it and say the right thing that makes me feel better :\ Maybe sharing will alone help in the problem.
So here's the deal... I'm pretty depressed right now. I don't know what the fuck is going on lately. I could start from the beginning, but I feel like no matter where I start there's going to be some other huge piece of the puzzle absent.
So, let me go in reverse-chronological order, maybe this will be interesting.
2:53p: I'm here, typing this to you. Still pissed, depressed, etc.
(two hours earlier) around 1:50p, really pissed. Throwing my fist at the keyboard only caused me to lose a little blood, unfortunately I couldn't lose the anger.
(over an hour earlier) 12:30p, I pull away from the cop car parked behind me. Rather PISSED right now. Got that feeling that, I hope SOMETHING else BAD happens by ACCIDENT. Sometimes I get to the point of almost making something bad happen, just to feel even WORSE for myself. WHAT THE FUCK is with that? Like, the temptation to jam my car into reverse while cruising along at a high speed. Or just forgetting to shift, often.
(ten minutes earlier) 12:25p: Officer fuckoff hands me a speeding ticket, 82mph (normal speed for the specific highway), in a 55. Oh shit, I guess shit happens, I would be accepting of the violation and gladly pay $178.00.
BUT OF COURSE it doesn't stop. ANOTHEr damn citation, for $150.00, for changing my license to read my birthdate minus a year (21 years old pleasEEE). So they picked that up. And took my license, told me to get another or be arrested. NICE.
I was just starting to feel good about getting some cash saved up - and the $300 in savings isn't going to be sufficient to pay off the damn government. By the way, I was very calm and professional in dealing with the pig, I don't see a reason in being pissed at the cop.
(25 minutes eariler) 12:00p, Here officer, here's my registration, insurance, and license. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING giving them my license? I just TRASHED $150.00, when I could have not presented the license. I'm an IDIOT. But it gets better.
(1 minute earlier) 11:59p, I'm sitting at a RED light with a cop behind me. Because when I got on the off-ramp, without a cop behind me, I could have easily made a right turn and jet the fuck out of there. But I sat at the light... left hand turn. So the cop has about 30 seconds to catch up. When the light turns green, the squad car lights up with red/green/white state po lights.
(1 minute earlier) 11:58p, left hand lane, about 85mph. Just passing the front guy in the right lane when FUCK i see the two pigs. AHHH shit, I knew I was fucked right then and there. Floored it with my right blinker on to pass the dude to my right. Soooooo had a chance to get away. Hmm.... I beat myself up over this.
--------
(5 minutes earlier) 11:53p just leaving work. Yeah, this job fucking sucks. I'm feeling trapped because, (1) I offered to start working on the project again (more on that later), (2) it's some access database shit that I'm struggling with - of course microsoft wants to make it fucking IMPOSSIBLE to get the task done. Oh yeah, (3) my dad is VP for the same company, so I guess I don't have the balls to tell my dad's boss that I can't do the job.
Plus, (4), coincidentally about 30 seconds before I got pulled over, I was thinking about how fucking stupid I am for taking that job, how I felt obligated to finish something that I started and never completed. AND the main idea was, I have plenty of money and I don't NEED this job. In fact I'm underpaid there, it makes it so boring sitting around for the MAXIMUM 2 hours I can stand sitting behind a desk there, for some cheesy amount of loot that I could score in the snap of a finger through other means (yet I'm flipping the fuck out right now, because this seems impossible now).
(the previous night) Blazed the last of my pot. Got high (again). Maybe even a little trippy. I'm feeling like, fuck pot, it's getting the worst of me, for what seems like a million reasons.
(the previous wednesday) Went into work for the first time in a while. Got my shit together, started working on this huge database project again. Still, feeling like 2 hours is the most I can stay.
(the previous summer) Started this database project. I can program and all, but the sheer complexity of the relations of this huge database, were becoming so mind boggling and frustrating. I had been through three re-writes of the code I was doing, and found only fear of failure. I had to give up the project eventually, having trouble concentrating on it.
--------
Is it that, when I'm struggling with a task, things come up that attempt to slow my progress towards a goal?
Last summer, I was working two jobs. Shit was going ok, but eventually I had to drop that second job programming. Around that time I had reported not being able to concentrate. I have no clue how much this was the case. I just didn't want to concentrate, maybe it was that.
Soon after that, I began seeing a reputable psychiatrist. Soon after, I went away to college. In the city. This was such a change, that by week two I was feeling out of control and unable to attend classes or do ANYTHING for that matter. Pot was a problem at this time, too.
After a while, I no longer smoked pot, and ended up discontinuing treatment for BP2 (with lithobid, XR lithium) as well as OCD symptoms (via. xyprexa). I stopped taking these meds because lithium made me concentrate even less, and generally I hadn't really been feeling so hot anyhow.
I went back to community college last spring term. Shortly into the term, I began smoking pot again. That brings me to recently, when I've been smoking pot on a pretty much consistent basis, attempting to quantify some sort of proof that I'm still under control.
I smoked all my pot last night because I was only hanging on to a little bit. I know that I won't have access to any for another few days, so hopefully I'll make the best of the few days without any pot. Maybe even get the balls to continue to not smoke.
Wow. There is no point to this thread by the way.
So, when shit goes bad for me, I feel like my whole world is tumbling down and emotions start to get all funky. Like, after arriving home today, I felt so pissed from just beating myself up over the tickets, that I had to smash my keyboard. But what keeps me from smashing it to little bits? I hit it once, then stopped. But the feeling often comes back, when I think about today's events.
Along with that feeling of losing it, comes anxiety. I get this fear... the sudden feeling of needing to flee. I don't know why I get this, but lately I've felt like grabbing all my cash, getting in my car, and driving... perhaps, getting the fuck out of this country, or at least far away from... shit.
Brings me to my next observation. What's the deal with my home? If I'm feeling like fleeting, or feeling like shit whenever I'm home, what the hell do I have against it? I love my family, and my family loves me, but I make the worst of it. I love them enough, though, to not actually kill myself or anything extreme like that.
But still, why would I want to leave everyone I know, and get the hell away? Something's wrong here.
Trying to proceed with this confusing chaos of emotions, I'm trying to figure out this one. When I'm really depressed or pissed due to something stupid (like those tickets), I almost feel like being hurt more. Like, being so pissed that I speed home, and get another ticket. Just so I could bitch and moan and say "i got three tickets today" and be even more pissed at myself.
Or, attempting to fuck up the clutch in my car, perhaps to wear it down to nothing, just so that there's another complication in my life, getting my car fixed. Esp. since I barely have enough to pay for both tickets. Oh yeah, and if I don't get another license in 10 days I'll be arrested.
So what the hell is with me bringing all these complications onto myself? My mom said she sees me going on a downward spiral, in the past two weeks. Of course this makes me feel like shit, anyway. Sometimes I want to say the meanest most fucked up things to my mom, to make her feel bad. But I don't know WHY. And doing it makes me feel guilty, and even more bad than I did before.
And then to pile one thing onto another, I've attributed at least some of my problems to not having a good social connect. Lately my friends have all been busy with what-fuckin-ever, yeah. That's acceptable. But I haven't ever really had a real relationship with a girl, and I'm kinda longing for one, being the lonliest person alive.
But the problem is, I don't meet people in my day. The most social interaction I get is through the internet, through my friends, or through the occasional stop outside the house. New people and situations make me feel ackward as hell though - I'm certainly not the person to start a conversation. Then I think, WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO????!?!
Thanks for reading.
Edited by poke smot! (09/07/20 01:29 PM)
|