did you ever see the movie black swan? It's about a ballerina dancer girl who is very talented tlbecause she has dedicated her entire life to being perfect. She is given the lead roll in the new dance show. She practices so hard but she can't seem to please her boss/instructor. She is trying to be thin and so she avoids eating even the smallest piece of cake and she often vomits in the toilet. She is eventually so crushed by the fact she can not be as perfect as the instructor wants and so eventually she starts to go crazy. I mean mentally unstable.
this movie, or idea, got me thinking. I'm not a hard perfectionist about everything but there is one thing. And I think this one thing is a bad habit to have got into.
I am a perfectionist about weight lifting or more so my body. It's come to the point that being bigger and more muscular has become my insecurity. I always feel like a need to get more muscular because I'm not good enough. That I need to step it up because other guys might be tougher. I don't like this kind of thinking and I never used to be like this.
I believe I was happier when is was 6'2 135 pounds. I was 18 and I didn't care as much. I did not concern myself with looking amazing, I shopped at the thrift store, and I simply ate when I was hungry. I was, for a short period in my life, free and more relaxed.
this issue about looking spectacular and pressuring myself to be perfect is unrealistic as I will never be perfect. I believe I need to be more in love with who and what I am now. Not who I will be or want to be, but who I am now.
I think that is I keep going down this road of perfection that it could possibly take away from my over all quality of life.
I'd like to let the healing begin but it doesn't seem so simple to go into reverse and pickup where I was before.
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TRUMP 2020
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Hey man I can relate so much it's ridiculous. For the longest time in my life I was literally obsessed with my body and being as big as I could. Honestly I was a freak about it.
I can remember stuffing my face every two hours with tons of bland ass protein, even going as far to wake up in the middle of the night to take a protein shake. I ate and I ate and I ate and I ate; did I mention it sucked and I felt like shit and overly full most of the time?
I remember being obsessed with getting my lifts in and never missing a cardio session or anything that had to do with physical exercise; it got to the point where I was literally choosing to lift and get my workouts in before hanging with friends or family (which are very important aspects of my life).
If I went to any social events I would make sure I packed my own food, just so I knew I would get enough and that what I ate would be healthy and full of protein. Hell i'm not ashamed when I say I dabbled into steroids and other body enhancement supplements to attain what I thought was right.
Literally my life was ran by my body image problems and was full of chaos when things didn't go right. I never felt good and I always wanted more. If I lost a couple lbs on the scale I felt empty and had to push it that much harder. This all sound a bit familiar?
Well after a living like this for a long time I finally realized that I was never happy, I realized I never felt good about myself and always wanted more, I felt inadequate all around in every aspect of myself inside and out. I remember the day my life changed and I thank the universe and the powers that be for helping to change it.
I was on my way home after a nice vacation in Hawaii, I can remember I was on my laptop on a random site called "stumble upon." Anyways I stumbled upon this website that talked a lot about "out of body experiences," at first I was very skeptical, I mean what the hell are they anyways and what kind of person would be fooled into thinking that things like that actually existed. I read the site, laughed it off and flew home, but in the back of my mind the thoughts stayed with me and I felt intrigued by this.
A couple days later I came across a couple books and again was confronted by these strange "out of body experiences," this time I decided to take a deeper look and it definitely sparked my interest. I dove deeper into the subject bought a couple more books and really started to dedicate some time into learning about this. Anyways these books led to more books and eventually I started having weird dreams and things in my daily life started to change, till I eventually came across yoga.
Well after practicing yoga I started to dive deeper into this spiritual world that I had been so disconnected from and new nothing about. I was interested and every-time I would read about anything that had to do with spirituality I would get this really good feeling and for some reason new that what I was doing was right.
What I am getting at is that spirituality changed my life and the way I looked at myself. Instead of worrying about being something I knew I was not I found out that I could just enjoy life and appreciate everything that I was. Over the period of about a year I lost about 80lbs, my body structure changed and I started feeling better than I had in a long time. I was free; no more eating every hour, no more scheduled lifting sessions, no more worrying about being the biggest hard ass in the room.
Now I am not saying that spirituality is the only path one must take to become enlightened or free to be themselves but for me it was something that really helped. If I could give any advice it would be to explore your passions outside of lifting weights and being big. Live your life for the moment and enjoy the time you have instead of planning for the next meal or the next workout session, have fun with things and enjoy life instead of being bound by the thoughts of having to be something your not.
Sorry if this is all irrelevant to you, I just thought I would share my experiences because what you shared seemed very similar to what I was going through myself.
Lah'Kesh
Edited by don_vedo (06/05/11 03:37 PM)
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