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 5HTSynaptrip
Dopamine Enthusiast
Registered: 09/14/08
Posts: 4,360
Loc: USA 
Last seen: 6 years, 4 hours
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 Post acute withdrawal and triggers... 
#12427072 - 04/20/10 02:44 PM (14 years, 2 hours ago) |
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So I moved out of an apartment that was attached to my Grandmother's house last week. As a bit of background info, my parents divorced when I was very young and my mother had custody of me until first grade and I have almost no recollection of living with my father or really interacting with him before that. She ended up moving to Indiana and lost me in a custody battle. I ended up with my Dad and his fiance and her two kids and right away it was hell. To start it all off I remember a cop pulling me off my Mom and giving me to my Dad... it was one of those custody battles (this is one of my earliest memories that has great detail).
My Grandmother was given custody every other weekend and every other Thurs. so I could be with that side of my family. I always hated my Dad for doing what he did and thought of running away all the time. On Sundays that he would pick me up from my Grandma's I would get this sick/anxious feeling of just profound sadness and discomfort. I never ever wanted to go back to his home and that stayed with me my entire life. I spent 10 years with his fiance (future step mom) and her kids and one day she cheated on my Dad and they divorced, and in all that time with them I developed zero personal or emotional connection. I haven't talked to any of them since that day or any of their family and I was truly, truly happy when they left and it was just my Dad and I.
I've been clean from opiates almost 2 months exactly today and it's been a hell of a battle. I'm also doing a benzo taper now and went from ~8mg kpin a day to only 5mg of valium a day atm. I sleep like shit, have mood swings, no motivation, and am still very much in opiate withdrawal.
For some reason moving out of that apartment has been a fucking terrible trigger for me. It was like a rush of all those old emotions coming right back (a lot has happened this year, wife is pregnant and I have a year left in my undergrad) and I have zero drugs in me. This entire afternoon I've been staring at my bottle of valium wanting to just down 100mg, drink a 6 pack, and smoke pot until I pass the fuck out.
I want opiates but I don't... they're too hard of a drug and it took abusing them to realize it. This PAWS has been fucking pure hell for me and I had to take this semester off school. It's been 16 years since I had these feelings I have now and they haven't gone away in a week. It's clear I have suppressed emotions and perhaps poor coping skills since I've battled numerous addictions in my life that have progressed until just this year. Finding out my wife is pregnant was a slap in my face and I detoxed a week after finding out because I knew I wanted to be clean and feeling good when the baby is born. I don't want to be an unmotivated piece of shit.
We live with her parents who are really nice people with a big house, and aside from sharing a kitchen we practically have our own apartment. There is no reason for me to feel this way and yet I can't overcome it for some reason. I've seen psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors my entire life and have been on a truckload of antidepressants. I've done this entire detox without any antidepressants and really wanted to stay off them but I'm starting to wonder...
I can't shake these feelings for some reason and they come out of nowhere. Should I go on AD's? Just get some counseling? Maybe just wait and adjust? I'm really confused and didn't expect any of this.
Thanks for reading. <3
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Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge. - My hero, who will be forever remembered, Carl Sagan.
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Enthrall
Mr ?
Registered: 04/07/07
Posts: 2,097
Last seen: 2 years, 1 month
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Re: Post acute withdrawal and triggers... [Re: 5HTSynaptrip]
#12429026 - 04/20/10 09:30 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hm not sure I can offer advice but I have a moderate form of reactive attachment disorder cause I went through the exact same thing, my parents kind of forgot about me while they where bickering between each other. I moved to 10 different places, each one being a new school/city, then moved out of state. Therefore I now cannot make relationships with people properly. The psychologists misdiagnosed me for depression and gave me medicine (10 yrs old) when all I wanted was attention which further fucked up my brain development as a kid.
Im not sure If Ill ever recover socially.
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Edited by Enthrall (04/20/10 09:32 PM)
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5HTSynaptrip
Dopamine Enthusiast
Registered: 09/14/08
Posts: 4,360
Loc: USA
Last seen: 6 years, 4 hours
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Re: Post acute withdrawal and triggers... [Re: Enthrall]
#12430575 - 04/21/10 07:39 AM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Yea I've been that way my entire life. My relationship formation almost resembles antisocial personality disorder with my complete lack of emotional investment in all of them. I tend bar so I know a fucking shit-load of people but they all mean nothing to me. My wife is the only woman I've loved, before her I was a typical swine (blow a load and I'm out the door). I've had the same 3 REALLY close friends from my teen life until almost my 30's and haven't made any new friendships even remotely that close my entire time in college (I did make one during 4 years in the Navy).
I cried more last year when I had to put my cat to sleep than when 4 of my past family members died. Fucked up to say but it's true. I don't suffer from depression like I used to though and even now I realize that how I feel is relative and the product of my addiction. I don't ever feel suicidal like I did when I was younger and I have a lot less rage. Like you I've run the gamut of AD's. If it's on the top 10 list of best sellers I've had it. During my clinical detox I was diagnosed w/ the adult add and the meds help me a lot but I take them maybe half of the week because of tolerance and the crash kills me. So the one thing I am completely certain of is that my serotonin plays little if any role in my problems since almost every drug I've taken that acts on 5HT gives me homicidal ideation and shuts off consequence centers.
Thank you a lot for your input. I have never had any doctor mention reactive attachment disorder which is kind of alarming given that they all know my history in pretty great detail (if they even read all the fucking records).
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Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge. - My hero, who will be forever remembered, Carl Sagan.
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Enthrall
Mr ?
Registered: 04/07/07
Posts: 2,097
Last seen: 2 years, 1 month
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Re: Post acute withdrawal and triggers... [Re: 5HTSynaptrip]
#12433300 - 04/21/10 05:11 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Also i grew up with only my animals. No friends or family around. So I have a strong connection with animals. And just like you said. Miss them when there gone more than my family? 
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 playedbyfire
superrslueth
Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 19
Loc: So many roads...
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Re: Post acute withdrawal and triggers... [Re: Enthrall]
#12456095 - 04/25/10 08:33 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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mad props on maintaining and going through the detox periods. i've been off opiates and benzos for over 7 months, and i'm still dealing with the withdrawal symptoms and the physical ailments it procured and complicated. i've heard it can take weeks, months, or years, with no promise of full cognitive function returning. its discouraging, and that's why the last thing to do is allow any more poison in your body, especially antidepressants. what helped me was going on a natural kick since detoxing. diet, lots and lots of cardio and strength training, yoga, pampering with massage and connecting through spirituality. think of the damage done and vow to repair it. its hard to move on after those pills because they engulf a person and become the identity. take this time especially with the future life you posses to reinvent what you do, and reestablish the beautiful person you are. you've already proven to yourself how strong you are, its time to apply it.
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Tangerines
Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 17,918
Loc: woodwork
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
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Re: Post acute withdrawal and triggers... [Re: playedbyfire]
#12456292 - 04/25/10 09:01 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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I am 45 days clean from a dope habit and still deal with all sorts of mental shit. It sucks, but then I think where I was a mere couple months ago and I keep on truckin.
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Adden
Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 39,201
Loc:
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Re: Post acute withdrawal and triggers... [Re: Tangerines]
#12458708 - 04/26/10 09:43 AM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Looking back at who you were when you were using is definitely a good way at staying clean.
RP, I think you may be taking on too much to handle. You're battling PAWS and some very emotional stuff. Definitely a  for everything you're doing to keep on looking at the road ahead - a lot of people don't. Maybe you're looking more at your feet instead of the horizon...
Judging by your post you're doing what sounds like the best thing you've ever done for yourself. You've accomplished things a lot of people never will and you realized it early.
When I had to detox I read a lot of great threads in which people said "just do it yourself, you're stronger than that". The general consensus also was was that people agreed, for the most part, that rehab etc. was a bunch of crap and doctors just playing with your head. Your PAWS will go away just like the detox did.
My girl puts all drug-related things in the same category. Just stop. Remember that every day, you're going out there to do what you have to do to reach whatever finish line you're aiming for. PAWS is terrible, yes, but remember how detox was?
You've weathered the storm, just tilt your head up a bit and look at the beautiful horizon. You'll be there soon enough - on your own, or with your wife - and look back at this like you can now look back at detox.
I can attest to the fact that emotional stuff can be covered by therapy alone. I see one doctor for my head-stuff, and another for a terrible childhood. All things considered, the one who I just talk to seems to be doing a hell of a lot better for me right now than the one who cuts scripts.
My soon-to-be wife accompanies me on occasion, and I've found it helps me not only understand myself and my problems, but it also helps her understand what I go through - therefore preventing any rifts in our relationship. You've got a kid on the way, perhaps you two can find someone to talk to together, so you'll stay on the same page. The walk is hard enough alone, but it's not that bad with a wonderful woman on your arm as you take the journey together.
Peace and love man, keep at it. Your wife and child need(s) you.
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5HTSynaptrip
Dopamine Enthusiast
Registered: 09/14/08
Posts: 4,360
Loc: USA
Last seen: 6 years, 4 hours
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Re: Post acute withdrawal and triggers... [Re: Adden]
#12461578 - 04/26/10 06:52 PM (13 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thank you guys so much for the kind words. I haven't updated this because I've been working a lot lately, saving up for when my wife is on maternity leave...
I saw my Psych. on Friday of last week. Sadly I have to go to Veteran's Affairs medical facilities and these places lick total ass. I did decide to go back on the mirtazapine but very low doses... 7.5mg a night. The main reason I did it was because the best I've ever done in school was when I took mirtazapine, somehow it has been the most powerful nootropic drug I've ever taken (I ponder this wondering if it's the increase in appetite supplying more nutrients or the much deeper REM sleep it causes). I've lost so much weight and forget half the shit I did a day ago anymore, so I'm on mirtazapine and that only. As of this week I'm down from 7.5mg of diazepam a day to just 5mg a day... it feels good but I've been noticing really weird shit going on in my head and with my balance for some reason.
I'm at the point now with the mirtazapine that I sleep 7-8 hours a night finally!! That in and of itself is fucking incredible! Just since Friday I've put on 4 pounds and have been eating like a horse again, which makes working out absolutely phenomenal!
Also, as it's been almost 2 weeks since our move my emotional distress about the change of place has been greatly diminished. I'm pretty comfortable now and actually being here has caused me to be more active and to get out more. I'm working about 6 days a week too atm and that feels good. Next week I see another psychologist for therapy/CBT as the move triggering those emotions showed me how much I'm repressing shit from my childhood and that has me wondering how perhaps my subconscious may be playing a larger role in my overall mood than I may have given it credit for.
This past two days has been the first time in over 60 days that I've actually said to myself, "Wow, I feel really good today."
It will be even better when I'm finally done w/ the benzos... this is certainly a long and hard road to travel but it does instill a great deal of pride and profound accomplishment knowing I did these 60 days with no medical help. Thanks again to all of you, I'll probably keep this updated as I like to see how I felt before as it keeps my progress in perspective. Much love shroomery!
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Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge. - My hero, who will be forever remembered, Carl Sagan.
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