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Anonymous #1
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 attempted suicide last night *DELETED* 
#11494533 - 11/20/09 05:31 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Post deleted by AnonymousReason for deletion: blah, dont wanna think about it or talk about it anymore
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 briant230
 
Registered: 08/20/06
Posts: 656
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494550 - 11/20/09 05:35 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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sounds like you could use some therapy, how did you try to do it?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: briant230]
#11494569 - 11/20/09 05:38 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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I was thinking therapy will help me too.
I have to get a psyche evaluation anyway because of it.
I tried to open my veins lengthwise by chewing through my wrists. I really mangled one of them up and I think messed up my tendons too.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494593 - 11/20/09 05:42 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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I havent eaten or slept in a couple days and havent been able to. My once impeccable hygiene is being neglected too.
None of the things that used to bring me joy are doing it for me now.
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BothHands
Dog Coffee
Registered: 10/28/09
Posts: 13,177
Loc: 
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494629 - 11/20/09 05:48 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well you claim to be an asshole, so I'm not sure what to say. We really don't need anymore assholes...
You could start being nice to people. Being a polite, decent human being can be quite fulfilling. Maybe you should do some volunteering. Find your purpose. Do some good. Have a positive effect on the world around you. That's what gives me a reason to live.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: BothHands]
#11494646 - 11/20/09 05:50 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Im nice, polite and kind to most people I meet, often going out of my way to help strangers and acquaintances alike. The asshole in me is an internal thing.
I came to the realization that I had no purpose a few months ago and it's driven me insane.
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BothHands
Dog Coffee
Registered: 10/28/09
Posts: 13,177
Loc:
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494673 - 11/20/09 05:55 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Have you tried psychedelics? I'm not sure if I recommend them now or not. Psychedelics completely killed my inner bitch, and showed me that everything happens for a reason. The thing is, I've also heard of psychedelics accentuating depressive behavior.
You can create your own purpose. How old are you?
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 3 years, 1 month
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494684 - 11/20/09 05:57 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Why do you feel the need to have a purpose, and, most importantly, what do you understand by it?
Was there a point in your life where you simply enjoyed being, without having to do anything in particular?
Also, why do you feel like a failure? I am sorry you had to put yourself through such a heavy trial, but try to remember that this is nothing more than just an experience, just like any other, and that you as a person are much more that a suicidal act, a polite gesture, or any other fragmented side of your behavior.
--------------------
    
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
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Anonymous #1
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: BothHands]
#11494696 - 11/20/09 05:58 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Im 24 and have tripped hundreds of times.
Tripping is what showed me I had no purpose. I tripped for years seeking a purpose and the light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be abysmal nothingness.
I used to think everything happened for a reason but something about the aftermath of my last trip completely killed that notion and I have not tripped since. I used to be a weekly tripper but I cant bring myself to do it.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494732 - 11/20/09 06:06 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
MushroomTrip said:
Why do you feel the need to have a purpose, and, most importantly, what do you understand by it?
Was there a point in your life where you simply enjoyed being, without having to do anything in particular?
Also, why do you feel like a failure? I am sorry you had to put yourself through such a heavy trial, but try to remember that this is nothing more than just an experience, just like any other, and that you as a person are much more that a suicidal act, a polite gesture, or any other fragmented side of your behavior.
I dunno, Ive talked to you about this in depth before, the ramifications of the difficult trip and my anxiety about not having anything to do (please dont tell everyone who I am) I actually got better for a while, before I got worse. I never sent you the trip report as I got very insecure about it at the last minute. My old metaphysical delusions are mostly gone, but in their wake was left a hole that got filled with destructive nihilistic ideologies.
I often enjoy being in short bursts...I just feel so much pressure from everyone else to "be something" and soo confused by their questions of "what are you?" that it leads to panic attacks.
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BothHands
Dog Coffee
Registered: 10/28/09
Posts: 13,177
Loc:
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494738 - 11/20/09 06:07 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sounds like you might have been tripping too often.
I'm really not sure what to say.. Like Mushroom said, it is possible to be happy just being alive, even without a purpose, though it is more difficult.
Personally, when I was in middle school, I went to the psyche ward 8 different times for overdoses. Only 3 of them were suicide attempts, and others were just attempts to escape for a period of time.
Honestly, I'm not quite sure how I got through it. Anti depressants really didn't help much. I just smoked a little bit of weed every day (but never got *STONED*), and tripped once every 1-3 months. But I can tell you with confidence, it can pass. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.
You're still young. There's still so much to look forward to. Get a job that you love. I'm studying to be a veterinarian, because I love animals. It's a lot of work now, but I know it's going to pay off in the end. What about kids? Don't you ever want to experience being a parent? Personally, I really can't wait. There's so much ahead of you.
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Railrider
Chronic contaminator
Registered: 07/10/09
Posts: 598
Loc: a van down by the river.
Last seen: 10 months, 28 days
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494815 - 11/20/09 06:19 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well I say don't do it If you really don't care do something useful or fun.Live like there's no tomorrow travel the world ya know fuck it.
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Any post I post here is pure speculation from other read posts
Best tip for cultivation!
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Anonymous #1
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Railrider]
#11494841 - 11/20/09 06:22 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Not planning on doing it anymore, the attempt is done and over with.
I love to travel and it is one of my greatest passions but Im stuck here on probation.
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MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 3 years, 1 month
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11494857 - 11/20/09 06:25 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
I often enjoy being in short bursts...
This is a clear sign telling you that you have all the resources to feel this way, and it's only natural that you go back to feeling despair too, especially considering all your experiences from a young age, and the fact that your neural networks have a deeper programming in that sense. he good thing is that, the more you manage to get yourself out of depression, the more you create a habit of doing so, and that we as humans we're deeply oriented to looking for our best interests, so in the long run you'll have only to gain.
In all honesty, you don't have any reason to feel worthless, what you just went through will become nothing more than another thing you experienced. It doesn't hold any value or influence on you, other than the one you attribute to it. And why would you give it an absolute bad meaning, when you know that you can get yourself out depression at times?
Try thinking about it in these terms: you have an old programming that sabotages your mental peace and health, deeply rooted in your conscious and subconscious, and a newer one, that has a healing power, that fights against the older program, and it's incontestable advantage is that you're the one who consciously created it, as opposed to the one who was imprinted on you as a child. Hell, other people wouldn't have been able to do all what you did, considering all your traumatic experiences. These are not the actions of a worthless person to me, these are the actions of a person who is doing their best to overcome all the bad programming of a lifetime, and this takes effort and ups and downs.
I wish you all the best, and hope to hear from you more. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me at any time.
--------------------
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
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BothHands
Dog Coffee
Registered: 10/28/09
Posts: 13,177
Loc:
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: MushroomTrip]
#11494894 - 11/20/09 06:31 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Couldn't have said it any better.
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lines
Stranger
Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 1,409
Loc: USA
Last seen: 4 years, 5 days
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: BothHands]
#11495688 - 11/20/09 08:42 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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I have found that playing basketball gives my life meaning and purpose
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 Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly
Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,689
Loc: On the Border
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11495810 - 11/20/09 09:04 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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I think you just saw the ultimate purpose...none. There is no purpose in anything. As far as I can tell it is quite random. The good thing is that your purpose is SELF DEFINED. This is the ultimate freedom...freedom from the restrictions of purpose...freedom from being tied down by the culture and the thoughts of others. Now decide what you want to do with yourself and just do it...for fun. I decided fun was my purpose when I hit that point and my life has been one hell of a roller coaster. This pointlessness your perceive is the truth...now quit being destructive and negative about being free.
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"A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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Anonymous #1
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Huehuecoyotl]
#11495826 - 11/20/09 09:07 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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I want to take better care of myself. I dont want to hurt myself and let others hurt me as much as I have. I need to love me again.
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Railrider
Chronic contaminator
Registered: 07/10/09
Posts: 598
Loc: a van down by the river.
Last seen: 10 months, 28 days
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11495850 - 11/20/09 09:13 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Have you done crazy stuff like jump off of bridges for fun,skydive,ride atvs or motorcycles,bull riding,ect.Stuff to make you value your life and spirit.I'm not saying you haven't risked you life other than the attempted suicide,but if I was you I would go try the adrenaline thing and take a break from the drugs.
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Any post I post here is pure speculation from other read posts
Best tip for cultivation!
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Mufungo
Coming at ya
Registered: 04/03/07
Posts: 2,743
Loc: Knowhere
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Re: attempted suicide last night [Re: Anonymous #1]
#11495925 - 11/20/09 09:35 PM (14 years, 4 months ago) |
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Failing at suicide and not seriously injuring yourself is a very good outcome.
Glad you're here to tell your story!  
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